the little lion

end of the year wrap-up

2009-12-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

yes, i understand, it's not the end of 2009. this is more of an end of school wrap up as tuesday was the last day of classes. so here we go:

i need to understand and just believe that i am smart. i know that the application process is daunting but for god's sake, i'd like to think that someone would have stopped me if they thought i couldn't handle it.
there are always new friends. and those new friends are great. thank you, new friends, for keeping me *moderately* sane.
all that practicing really pays off.
"ego" ≠ "competitiveness" (nor should it have to)
though the musicology department at peabody drives me literally insane, i love them. they have shown me that they have my back & care about my growth and development as a musicologist and a scholar. so i'll forgive them when they get me lost or make jokes about me to my face...
even if it's as bad as you thought it might be, it's not that bad.
family can suck & family can be awesome. it's a tossup.
this was the best summer of my life. also, AMS Philly was quite possibly the most hilarious four days i've had in a LONG time.
i will be a good teacher.
if i'm ignoring you, don't take it personally. that means i can't afford to have the drama that follows you in my life. i'm busy.

so i can relax a little bit, three out of six grad school apps are turned in. i'm hoping i'll be so busy with teaching, trying to find a job and writing my thesis that i'll completely forget about waiting to hear back. one can only hope. this has been a tough semester but something is different. i feel different. and i like it.

you are getting on your grind

2009-11-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

well this past month has been ridiculous and i think it's quite peculiar that when i have the most to say (because i'm the most busy) that it's the most difficult for me to put it down. but tonight, i was good. i bought groceries (for the first time in say four months) and cooked (probably the same amount on that one) and here it is, 7:14 and i'm all caught up. so, obviously, the next most important thing to do would be to blog. ;)

this past month has been oh so revelatory for me...teaching jobs have come and gone and things seem like they're getting accomplished. and maybe, just maybe, i've established some sort of routine? i grade, practice, work on grad school apps, edit papers and of course, play on my iphone (it has CHANGED my life, can't even lie) and even though i see nothing but transition up ahead, i'm preparing myself.

(by transition i mean leaving my job. sssshhhhh!)

but hey, i survived a swine flu frenzy, both at work and at school, fellowship applications and a ridiculous halloween (i went dressed as Krishna!) so i think i'm doing pretty well for myself right now (i'm pulling down about 80 thou/my wife makes 40/she's a vassar grad/and hey for a woman/that's not half bad)*

also, i don't want the little lion to get jealous of talks of a new, shinier blog. that blog (which you should all look at: http://anothermusicologyblog.wordpress.com) is just a chance for me to talk about all things musicology. not nearly as interesting as what goes on over here. debauchery! wickedness! idolatry! wait, wait...that's the ten commandments. never mind. point is, i am a multi-platform blogger with plenty of craziness to go around. capisce?

good.

*if you get that reference, you get cookies. lots of cookies.

there's nothing there

2009-10-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

I know a little something about heartaches. literally.

when I have episodes, it feels like someone has my heart balled up in their fist and they squeeze and squeeze. my metaphorical heart, the one I don't take medication for (unless you count cabernet sauvignon & year-old mixtapes), hurts in that same way. when you want someone so badly, miss someone so badly that your heart screams out for mercy. that's how I feel now; forlorn, ripped apart. but what's notable is that in some venus-in-furs way, I savor it. longing for something so beautiful gives me hope, even while my heart is in a chokehold.

for those looking for more factual elements of my life, I won't bore you. I find out tomorrow if I will, indeed, be teaching at Homewood come january, I am up to my eyebrows in musicology and I work all the time. when I'm not listening to such sappy music, I'll give the whole rundown. till then, I'll sit back and wait to be with one of my great loves, new york.

and i'll cherish that moment for life

2009-08-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

how do you recount something that's bigger than you?

i've never really been faced with this challenge before but i figured it would happen and hey, better sooner than later, no? i have been back in baltimore for a little over 24 hours now so i've had some time to think (yeah, right) about the last month. so what have i come up with? well all of the words that seem to describe this trip in the most apt of ways don't seem to be, well, real words...

clusterfuck, kerfuffle, ginormous, etc.

still, i found myself sitting on the floor in london heathrow with tears in my eyes. ah, the power of connection, even under the most trying of circumstances. so first, for the facts. i left DC for munich and after that went whirlwind through germany, austria, italy, the UK and iceland. many a concert were played (some were missed), and boy, did people attend. more than i ever would have imagined. (our concert at St. Martin-in-the-fields was PACKED) the entire time in iceland was spent working on and performing The Vision of the Apocalypse, an oratorio written by the ensemble's conductor and founder. that is a catchy little tune right there. not as hard as Rite but just as (musically) annoying. :) though the music we played wasn't beyond anything that i've done in my performing career, my ability to be flexible, to follow, to listen and interpret were stretched to the max. plus, there's no better way to build up endurance than playing three concerts in one day. no better way to get gigger's chops, too.

next: europe. seeing europe was everything i had imagined and more. salzburg was a fairy tale, i know i've been separated from england at birth and iceland is quite possibly the most breathtaking, mindblowing place i've ever been (yes even more serene than my dear lovely boone). in the few moments i had alone on this trip (and i tried to take as many as possible), i allowed myself to just be, wherever it was. i think some of my favorite moments were those, especially my solo trip to aldeburgh. if there was ever a time that i felt alive, that was it.

but the thing that meant the most was the people. walking into this thing, i was terrified. i really felt like i was the girl in the nudist colony who refused to take off her bra. would they accept me? would they like me? but, aha! my powers of persuasion over came fear and the whole lot. slowly but surely, i began to feel close to these people who were undergoing these hardships with me. i mean if anything brings people together, it's frustration. now granted some relationships were easier to forge than others, like missed connections with now-known hometown friends, musical colleagues and faux siblings. and of course, there were people who i thought i'd never win over (and maybe i didn't, who knows) but overall, there was a general feeling of pleasantness that kept me going (that and in usual imani style, a crush that kept me very busy). i even made friends outside of the tour, which was amazing and i'm hoping to keep those connections alive as well.

now yes, a lot of things went wrong and a lot of things made me pretty unhappy. the only reason i even choose to bring them up is as a reminder to me for the future. i've been asked by several if i would do a tour like this again and i've said no. not just because of my experiences but because i don't see a time in my life where it would be feasible again. and that leads me to another good thing. in less than two weeks lives the world that i've been anticipating for quite some time now. and let me tell you, i am terrified. i feel in no way prepared for Ph.D. applications, teaching and writing my thesis. this entire summer, including this trip, has given me the opportunity to enjoy myself in a way i never really thought possible. i've felt so alive and free and though i fear it may never be like this again, i am so grateful.

so yes i'm tired, my bassoon is tired, everything is tired. and yes, i'm ready to go back to work and i'm thankful to be back in the states. but i have no regrets. and that's all you'll get out of me. :)

i choose to mourn the artist.

2009-07-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

it would be completely unnecessary for me to rehash the last seven-day news cycle for you, so i won't. i will say, however, that all of the talk, on TV, in the streets and online has caused me to take a hard look at michael jackson and not just that but our artist culture. the title of this blog came from an incredibly inspiring comment found on, of all places, livejournal's favorite gossip community, Oh No They Didn't!. to summarize, the comment stated that we have to make a choice whether to mourn the person or mourn the artist in their passing. but why are we forced to make this choice? well, because doing one is not as simple as doing another. to mourn michael jackson the person means mourning all of the baggage that comes with him: the prescription drugs, the weird behavior, the loss of childhood, the possible molestation, etc. and let's just say that makes most people uncomfortable, let alone reverent. mourning the artist is much easier: recognizing the genius of someone who was able to create music that has stood the test of (pop) time and influenced, touched and inspired so many people across the world for so many years. now for many, the existence of the "person" just gets too much in the way of the "artist" and we come back to square one. what to do? ah, if only there were other instances like this...

Gesamtkunstwerk
wagner is not a subject easily broached in musical academia. the study of wagner is fraught with problems: do we read wagner's prose? how do we address works such as Die Meistersinger and Parsifal? do we acknowledge the effect of wagner post-wagner and, if so, do we speak of it musically, extra-musically or both? but no matter how you slice it, it's always staring you in the face (unless you're a wagnerite and choose to ignore it, which i do not recommend). this dilemma stared at me earlier this spring when one of my colloquia centered around Die Meistersinger and the ideal man. when discussing the opera, the question arose: do we say that the work is filled with musical subtleties, poignant and witty or is it all about "the jews"? for many in the class, it was hard to reconcile themselves especially after watching scenes from the opera and having the "jew" problem be pointed out. you would laugh at one part, which was admittedly funny, staged well, witty and humorous and then someone would say "but he's caricaturizing and denegrating jews!" and then you feel bad. but on the side you say, "well that was still kind of funny and brilliantly sung". wagner's feelings towards jews (along with frenchmen, britons, christians and those trying to destroy art) is well known. the part its plays in his musical creations is more problematic. the point of all of this is, how can we respect and admire someone with such racial hatred and vitriol and someone so easily co-opted by the like of the third reich? for some there is no respect and admiration. from its founding and inception, the nation of israel has made it illegal to perform wagner's music within its borders. there is no separating the "person" from the "artist". but for others, myself included, it's not that easy. and though it might not be as pertinent to some and may seem blasphemous to others, like wagner, the tale of the two michael jacksons are os strong, each, on their own, that it seems impossible to ignore one for the other.

anyone in musical scholarship who tells you that they have a definitive point of view on wagner is lying to you. my dealings with jewish musicians, scholars and performers who tell me about the utter disdain they have for wagner don't seem to have completely closed the book on him, meaning, they are still willing to discuss him. and again, it's never about the music. they have every right to their opinion as does anyone else. for me, i'm always conflicted about wagner and i'm actually happy about that because i am constantly rethinking my feelings about music in general.

Mein liebes Kind, komm, geh mit mir...
thinking about all of this also made me think of someone in whom i have invested a lot of time researching, benjamin britten. in my dealings with many, it seems that britten's relationship with young boys may have overshadowed the genius of his music. a dear friend of mine had the privilege to work with britten as a young boy, singing as a male alto in premieres/performances of works such as the War Requiem and Noye's Fludde. in talking with me, he explained how pained he was that, when recounting his stories to others, the first thing they ask is "did britten have an inappropriate relationship with you/did he ever touch you" or make some kind of snarky comment. he loved his time working with britten and his ilk and he calls it one of the greatest musical experiences of his life but feels like he can't share how much these events have shaped him because of this. whenever this discussion arises, he becomes very defensive. for those who aren't aware of this part of the composer's history, britten struggled for quite some time with his need to be surrounded by teenage boys. to him, they were an inspiration and "boy as inspiration/muse/representation of another life" appears in many of britten's operas: Peter Grimes, Turn of the Screw and, most notably, Death in Venice. these muses represent the part of britten's life that britten was reticent to leave behind. ahead of him were the adult representations of life that britten had trouble acknowledging: an adult relationship with partner peter pears, dealing professionally with those who stood by him and cared about his well-being, etc. auden, who collaborated with britten on some of his most well known works, wrote in a letter to britten that he needed to forgo these relationships with boys. it was shortly after britten received this letter that britten did what he did to so many before: he dissolved his ties with the poet (it should also be known that auden also encouraged britten to reconcile himself with his homosexuality, another adult aspect of britten's life with which the composer had great difficulty).

the role that these relationships play in the creation of britten's music is undeniable. and it is worth asking the question whether or not some of these works would have even existed with out them. again, the separation between the man and the artist is difficult. while there is no proof and no real allegations that britten ever did anything illicit with any of these boys, the rumors still remain and cast a cloud over his musical achievements. is it on the scale of the molestation charges placed before michael jackson? most likely not but the comparison remains. in my scholarship of britten, this question will always arise no matter how much i choose to focus on the music and i am faced with the decision of whether or not to deal with it. while i feel this adds a fascinating layer of depth to him, for many, its more of a hinderance.

Epilogue
now is the accusation of molesting boys as bad as a glaring hatred for others? for some, yes. for some this behavior is irreconcilable. for some, no matter how genius the music, no matter how large the impact, there is just no getting around this. the personal acts of one's life can sometimes, and often, get in the way of one's contributions to society. yet for some reason, artists never seem to be forgiven. for great political figures who have committed indiscretion after indiscretion in their personal lives, history forgives. however, the good that art does, the way it changes and shapes our lives, the profound impact it has seems to not be enough to forgive any artist, no matter how great. is that because the lives of our great geniuses are filled with so much turmoil and discrepancy? people tend to forget that these all-too-human failings motivate genius. are their actions excusable? most likely not. does revering that genius mean that we have ignore, forgo and block out those actions? not by any means. if anything, it is the human element that gives insight to the creative one. i don't know whether or not "man" and "artist" can ever be separated or if they should. michael jackson's loss of childhood and indescribable young life motivated him to write the music that is not only biographical for him but has proven to be biographical for so many, so many without childhoods, for those who have felt lost and alone and for those who have just experienced any type of hardship in their lives. wagner's view on total art pushed him to create works unlike anything that had been seen up to that point and just like the end of Götterdammerung, the fiery demise of the musical gods of the pan-austrian empire in the destruction that was the end of WWII, paved the way (unbeknownst to wagner) for a new musical rebirth. the struggle between childhood and adulthood, what one wants and what one realizes, our dreams and our base nature manifested itself in the darkness of britten's most autobiographical operas and allowed for a new direction in opera, one that is being, slowly but surely, rediscovered. i am saddened that these human elements have taken over and claimed the lives of those who lived and experienced them. i, for one, ask that we not forget the music, for it is important. but what i really ask, of all of those who encounter this dilemma, is to let the music and the life speak for themselves, and after considering both of these things, that you make your decision or at least try to. don't ever let it be as simple as choosing between the "man" and the "artist" because, in reality, those two things are never really separate. they are a part of each other and need each other to survive.

let's both go outside and play

2009-06-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure if this post will be two-fold, we'll see as i get into it. the personal, first.

as a very good friend and wise woman told me, today, actually, sometimes you need to have time to be wild. i couldn't agree more. these past three weeks have allowed me to connect with my inner club kid/amazon woman/sex goddess/barfly and it's been amazing. even with all of the downs (my stuff being stolen/lost/whatever you want to call it) i wouldn't trade it for anything. the moments were just too precious. but there is one thing that has come out of this that's changed my outlook on everything, most specifically, my own self-esteem.

my father told me once that the reason why guys don't hit on me in clubs/bars is because i frighten men. that might be partly true and i'm willing to concede that but i don't want that to be the case. so i went to NYC to shed that visage. and boy, did i. for the first time in many years, i've felt free and unattached. i told myself to loosen up and let whatever was going to happen, happen. so i danced with many a man, some nice and sweet, others scary as shit but i enjoyed myself and danced like i meant it. and then i met a fabulous guy who caught my eye immediately. we hit it off and i ended up spending the rest of the night with him. that night has now turned into us talking and seeing each other over the past two weeks. it's not anything at all, which my previous self is having a little trouble with but my new self is absolutely relishing and i'm enjoying it to the best of my ability. could it be something in the future? maybe, but even if i never speak to him again, i've now come to believe that i am an attractive young woman with things to offer to people other then my usual musician-boyfriend fare. i can't tell you how thankful i am (to him) for that, it has changed me completely.

well at this point, i've decided that this will not be a two-part post. the personal stuff takes enough out of me. but the next post is about...WAGNER. yeah you'll want to read it, i promise. (it's really about michael jackson but good old richard shows his face) till next time...

toccata, mazurka, prelude and fugue

2009-06-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

summers are usually the bane of my existence. i have nothing to do and my brain rots. i get really fat (or really thin, depending) and spend most of my nights in bed, mostly naked, sweating and wide awake from unshakeable and insufferable heat. this summer, not so much?

i spent my first week back in baltimore after my vacation at home searching for roommates and jobs, eating out (and drinking) with friends and playing the stravinsky octet (?) much to my surprise. maybe a fluke? doesn't seem that way. i now have a full time job at a realty/property management company in charles village where i spend my days answering phones, filing and being all around awesome (remember, my days are usually spent with me...sleeping) and my nights are spent cooking dinner with friends, going to concerts (earlier this week Hilary Hahn with the BSO (premiering Jenifer Higdon's new concerto) and last night Fleetwood Mac!) and studying.

did i mention studying? cause i'm doing a LOT of that. i have six books and one score checked out from friedheim, all books by professors with whom i'm looking to study at various Ph.D. programs. the score...the score is for my thesis.

[side note: there was a category on jeopardy! last night ENTIRELY ABOUT BRITTEN?! amazing.]

the score is for my thesis on which i am doing research as we speak. not impressive research but research nonetheless. i'm also reading doctor faustus for my thomas mann class in the fall, doing work in my italian workbook (with a little bit of german?), now i have the new task of updating the IDRS website with new bassoon theses/dissertations and practicing. lots and lots of practicing. i'm playing the Hindemith sonata in a week and a half, i have excerpts to prepare, baroque bassoon and a now possibly extended european tour. (that's right...iceland has now turned into iceland, austria, italy, france and the UK)

whew.

just typing that is exhausting. and typing that helps me to realize just how much i have to do in such a short time. but guess what folks? this makes me happy. the only thing is i won't be able to work out quite as much as i did last summer. but you know what, it's okay because this weekend, i'm going back to NYC to see the ny phil do the war requiem and then party at webster hall.

i think i might like summer after all.

don't let the klingons get you down

2009-05-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

a lot happens when you're tucked away in your own little paper-writing cubicle of death. so i'm here to clean house (literally, i was just cleaning my house) and reflect on the past six months.

1) you find out a lot when you open up netnewswire for the first time in MONTHS. you see one of your college friends (and someone you had a crush on) talked about in alex ross's the rest is noise (congrats), that your favorite lighthouse is getting funding, a professor that you had an immediate connection with is blowing up all over the place (thanks, bush administration?) and all sorts of happy things.

2) i am now a master of music (and not just a bachelor). well, okay, i'm one paper away but it's pretty much in the lock. unfortunately, due to logistics and stupid technical things, i don't get to celebrate with all of my other masters of music in the traditional way (i get a fancy pink stole and a hat and a GIANT sheet of paper) but i will be celebrating. these past two years have been interesting and revelatory. i've come out the other side a better bassoonist, a better musician and, um, cuter? i'm just glad it's over. now to spend another year to become doubly masterful at...um...music.

3) i'm going to iceland! i am so excited about this. i'm going to the land of bjork and thermal spas to go play some new music in the beginning of august and i can't think of a better way to end my summer vacation. more to come as i get more info.

i've learned a lot about myself in these past six months and i think i'm pleased with the outcome. one academic meltdown aside, i think i have the respect of my professors and peers. i mean, i'll be playing baroque bassoon in the fall, writing my thesis on britten's chamber operas, TAing three classes (including at class at JHU's homewood campus) and applying for some of the most prestigious Ph.D. programs in the country. and on a personal level, a lot of rough things went down. and you know, it's still hard but i'm in a happy place.

and hey, i cut off all of my hair. that has to speak for something.

it's only love

2009-04-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

i am alive. when my life starts to even out, then i'll have a story to tell.

just don't let the spin get you down

2009-03-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

there are things in life that are good of which people tend to be afraid. i should know. but realizing these things and coming to terms is a huge first step.

1) change is good. i went home to north carolina, turned 25 and cut off (most of) my hair. i thought i was going to be afraid of the hair thing, as i have been for so long, but it worked out. better than i could have imagined really. the first quarter-century was rocky so i'm trying to make the next one be a little more smooth.

2) distance is good. now this is the one that scares me the most because even though i need my space when i'm going through things (and most people in my life know this) i don't want anyone to think that i don't care about them. but they don't so why am i worrying? plus, there are some people who i just need to be away from. they are the ones who i thought my life depended on constant contact with them. i think they might know better than i do. i've been scared that if i don't keep up with someone that our relationship will fizzle. but distance is giving me the time and ability to reevaluate my feelings. and that is very good.

3) stress can be good. as long as it doesn't paralyze you. i'm still working on that one.

so all and all i'm trying to get my act together. i'm giving a recital in a month and it will be great (the first time i've ever been able to say that) and i will not freak out about academic things like teaching, program notes, theses, commentaries, etc. i will not be afraid.

the thing is, everyone knows you're brilliant.

2009-03-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

hiatuses are necessary, nay, important to one's sanity. plus, when you come back, you've really missed things. a few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away and to be honest, it has plunged my life into disarray, not because of grief but because i feel like i've lost my footing in reality. my room's a mess and my mind's a mess. the two being in the same state says a lot about me right now. but i digress --- i just have to make it through this week.

about that. i'm not making it through this week. i spent the majority of my dress rehearsal for La traviata fighting back tears. why? i have no idea. okay, that's actually a lie. very recently, it has been put upon me to be, well, a genius. or at least smarter than most. i'm not very comfortable with this idea. it has been made very clear to me (by several) that if i don't get my act together, i'll be ruining the shot my immensely talented and promising mind has at becoming an academic/scholarly superstar. but you know, no pressure. how was i supposed to know that under all of this hair lay a thriving, pulsating superbrain? so now, all of my work falls short of my standards, everyone's standards blah blah blah and it's really getting to me. all i want to do is talk about music.

i spoke with one of my professors today about my thesis, asking him to be my advisor. let me tell you, scary! but he seemed up to it, though he may regret it. talking about my thesis scares the shit out of me, i'm not going to lie. there is no turning back from that. and i have to put out 60+ pages of cohesive thought by this time next year and the whole process/outcome will change my life.

now wouldn't that make you want to cry, too?

even when they're alone, they're not really apart.

2009-02-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

fourth corner trio, on the steps in mt. vernon, january 2009

fools rush in, where wise men never go

2009-02-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

it's been a while. i've been busy. very busy, but i don't know if that's important at all. have you ever had a period in your life where you're confronted with revelation after revelation? that's what now feels like. sort of.

it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?

peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.

so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.

more revelations, maybe?

next, i will read a selection from walt whitman's "leaves of grass"

2009-01-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

it was cold, but worth it. nothing like doing the cha cha slide to "ain't no stoppin' us now" on the field at war memorial plaza in 18-degree weather with thousands of strangers (and being one of the people who started it) and just feeling happy about life and one's country. it's too late for me to explain now, just know it was worth it.

and i love you back.

sleep in heavenly peace

2008-12-29T00:04:00.000-08:00

it's been a long and busy month. that's the only way it can be explained, i think. for the first time in a really long time, school kicked the shit out of me and i did not come out unscathed. if you looked at my grades, you might not believe it but i struggled. i did get a 20-page thesis paper out of it ("What have we done between us?" Guilt, Innocence, Musical and Sexual Violence in Britten's The Rape of Lucretia and The Turn of the Screw) but that's slim pickings...

so for the past week i have been doing nothing but sleeping. had a great christmas with the fam, enjoying the beautiful weather in raleigh but mainly sleeping. sleeping for the reasons above but also because my problems have not really gone away. i lost my job last week which is financially crushing, i'm trying to make the transition if having a new roommate and i still have so much school stuff left to take care of. yes, not the most carefree break in the world.

i have much hope for the new year. 2008 by all accounts has been awful. so 2009 can only go up, right? i mean, my recital, my friends' graduation, the finishing of the academic part of my degrees and beginning of my thesis and obama! looks good from here. happy new year, mes amis!

in this tender night

2008-11-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

an unfortunate incident worth noting:

david fedderly: have you ever lost someone close to you?
me: yes.

this was on tuesday, two days after attending my great-grandmother's funeral. now of course, he didn't know that he was touching on a nerve as live as an exposed telephone cable. but there i was, in my lesson, doing everything in power to keep myself from erupting in tears. not surprisingly, though, i played better. whether or not roger's piece was as he was describing, it mattered to me all of a sudden. it meant something.

now this is an adage that is all too familiar. music is supposed to convey every experience, every emotion and its our job as musicians to make that audible and palpable to the audience. this concept is something that came much more naturally to me years ago, when i was less afraid to confront my emotions through my playing (save performing on stage, which i guess, is all that matters --- i get really emotional and raw on stage, it seems) and he's been pushing me to the edge, one that really frightens me. but i think, at least i hope, that its necessary.

my great-grandmother's death was a huge blow to me. a friend of mine said to me, "do they even make great-grandparents anymore?" and it was a fair thing to note. i guess a little family history was needed: my grandparents died when i was young and therefore, when everyone was young --- my mother, my uncle and my great-grandmothers. i think we all took the places of loved ones lost. they were my new grandmothers. my father remarked to me that he thought it was funny that there were more pictures of me in my great-grandmother's house than almost anyone. more of me then in my own house. i was the baby. and then that part of my life was gone.

i've talked about death before and i don't mean to go into a great deal of detail. i just think it was important to note the connection between those parts of my life. they are, forever, inextricably linked. hopefully, conveying that emotion to the audience will help me find a peace i've been looking for these past few days.

tell me again, what is the name of this place? ohio. it means "beautiful".

2008-11-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

you know, some things just never work out right, or the way you want them to. and personally, when it happens over and over again, i tend to get suspicious. i will give you an example. i have just come back from a long weekend in cincinnati, which was wonderful, by all accounts. and just when i thought i was going to make it through unscathed, i get a call from my parents telling me that my great-grandmother had passed away that morning. and cue imani's guilt factor! i have a happy habit of being away, trying to act like a normal human being and have fun when someone close to me dies. true, one has nothing to do with the other but there are other circumstances. let's just say i've never been able to handle it very well.

but that's not really the point of this post. even with that bump in the road, i had a great time. it was good to be in a place that i had never been, meet new people and catch up with old friends. and ohio is beautiful. being the country girl i am, i miss, well, being in the country. or at least seeing things that take my breath away. (yes there are not a lot of those moments here in baltimore) and standing in eden park overlooking the ohio river as the sun set was a moment i DRASTICALLY needed. it was a wonderful four days and it was a little tough to come back.

exacerbating that was the fact that the Peabody community et al, will not get off of my back. my old job is hounding me to find stuff for them which i don't have a problem with (well except for the hounding), people are calling me up about recitals (still!) and everything is falling apart. how is that possible? i mean, honestly? no one wants to come back to that but i'm going to deal with it head first...after i sleep in through Stone's 1900-1945 class (sorry Dr. Stone, i really need to sleep)

so i guess the moral of the story is that good things and bad things are not independent of each other, they happen, sometimes one on top of another and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. my way is remember all the good things in my dreams until i've squeezed all of the goodness out of them like an orange.

i will lift up my voice to the lord

2008-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

one of the jobs of great art is to make us uncomfortable.

uncomfortable in the sense that it causes internal conflict, makes us rethink how we look at everything, questions our very being. you're supposed to come out of the other side, challenged, maybe even experiencing a catharsis, in the sense of a resolution. and it's an unmistakable feeling. this past sunday, i attended the performance of Bernstein's MASS at the Kennedy Center with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (the importance was not lost on me that the piece was written for the inauguration of that very hall) and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable. the work is not new to me but listening to the recording and seeing it live is like comparing apples to giraffes. the dramatic elements, i found, at times, spellbinding. and in the Celebrant's bel canto style mad scene, i felt the anguish to the point of fear. it was a feeling that i have not felt in quite some time. i left feeling differently about the piece (and myself), more so than i could have imagined.

now is the MASS a great work of art? that is not really for me to say. it is so underperformed and still, to this day, so controversial on so many levels that i don't know if it would ever have a chance to be considered as such. but i must thank the BSO and Maestra Alsop (and of course, Lenny, himself) for giving me something to think about. it has been a while.

post-script: i have not stopped listening to "A Simple Song" since. i think it is too beautiful. listen here
post-post-script: i just saw in my RSS reader that Charles Neidich is playing Quartet for the End of Time at Merkin Hall tomorrow. it's one of those moments that i miss NYC. as much time as i spent working with Neidich, i barely got to see him perform 20th century music.

you know nothing of madness

2008-10-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

hormones, repressed feelings and anxiety make us do wild things.

like act like a child when you're a grown-up or act like someone who's looking to be casual and fancy free when you really want a relationship. it's the "i'll-take-anything" mentality. and sometimes, it's nice to indulge it (even at the sake of your own embarrassment) but then comes that adage of curiosity killing some cat somewhere and you realize that it could be a dangerous path.

who really wants to singe their whiskers?

especially when there might be greater things around the corner? i've grown pretty impatient with a lot of of things --- mainly, being an adult and all that comes with it; worrying about school and the economy, paying my rent, taxes, bills, and of course, wondering why i'm not married yet. so why not have dalliances and run around with people twice one's age (or the square root of one's age) and laugh and be silly in the face of such terrifying danger? because, i know better or at least, a little more. i know that if i just wait all my questions will be answered, desires and urges squashed. and as fun as it may be to have those desires, it's also a lot more fun just to be calm. (everyone else enjoys it, too)

so i'll wait, sit on my hands and stop myself from doing anything too rash. i can not get too close and still be warm.

you know, the birds who can't sleep at night

2008-10-09T22:27:00.000-07:00

it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here at my computer, listening to Ravel's Piano Trio in A minor (III. Passacaille), ruminating over my life, as is the profound effect that music has on me when i really listen to it, wondering just what the hell is going on. i leave for raleigh not too long from now and i think that will help clear things up for me.

the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?

i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.

but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.

okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...

when two worlds collide

2008-09-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

how do the mata haris of the world do it? and no i don't mean espionage and double-crossing. i mean leading two lives. it is a complicated balance that could give way at any moment. most of the time, i do it pretty well. today is an example of how i can and can't at the same time.

i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.

plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.

but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.

in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.

back to the debate!

no one asks my opinion, i'm an independent.

2008-09-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

this year has not started with a bang, like i may have previously surmised. more like a crash and possibly, a thud? i am starting to feel like an academic (oh, that word.) and the weight of all of my music academic classes is hitting me pretty hard, not to mention learning my, what, seventh language? (although, the most i can do at this point with any amount of confidence is Comment t'appelles-tu?). my analysis of an article by taruskin on the mediant relations connection between schubert/liszt and the mighty five turned out to be quite in depth and the act of plumbing the scholarly deep has left me craving for more.

next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.

the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...

i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.

time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me

2008-09-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.

right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.

so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.

Ein Komma an der falschen Stelle kann viel anrichten.

2008-08-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

(tell me about it)

so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?

it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.

the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.

but yeah, who looks forward to that?

as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.

i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.

Es sei uns dein gnädiges Antlitz erfreulich!

2008-08-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

this summer has been an odd one at best.

i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.

but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.

but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.

again, the beauty of summer.

so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?

the office

2008-07-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

okay, now a lot of things have happened since i last wrote (i don't have the internet...AGAIN) but i'll get to all of that later. first, the post which derives from this title.

i am temping in an office until school starts and it's a really nice job, admin assistant/front desk sort of deal, full time. but here's the thing. i'm working in an office filled with normal people. that's right, i said it. now first let me clarify: normal does not equate to "unintelligent" or "droll" or anything like that. it just means they have a 9-5 job, homes, families, the whole kit and kaboodle.

and for me that is effing weird.

the offices are cubicles, there is a casual friday, it's surreal. you have to remember that i've been working in non-normal places for over five years. (i mean new york city opera? give me a break. my office was a restored coat room in the state theater) and it's almost comforting. the problems are normal (and very intense - it's in mental health care) and i don't have to hear anything about bossy parents or anyone's school system or finding somewhere to buy pointe shoes/lieder/costumes/wigs/sheet music/metronomes, etc.

but it is obvious that i am the odd man out. in my few days here, i've become the public transportation riding, über-recycling, homemade lunch bringing, 800 page non-fiction book reading, opera-singing girl who is studying TWO degrees that no one knows about and talks to herself at the front desk in foreign languages. but it doesn't matter because i'm funny and talk to people and listen and am courteous and that's all people really need, sometimes. (one small caveat, however. since i AM the girl mentioned above, maybe, people in and around this office should not hit on me. it's dead in the water)

so even though it's full time work for the next month or so, which is exhausting (i get up every morning at 6 and don't get home until 6), it's a breath of fresh air. and money, don't forget money.

wherever you stand be the soul of that place.

2008-06-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

today was finally what my summer should have been like all along. too bad it seems increasingly fleeting. but the tale i must impart.

i woke up this morning planning on be productive. claire and i ran errands for the house, including applying for a job at plaza art materials. claire then told me that she and ben were going to the american visionary art museum in federal hill to watch, as part of an installment, monks make a sand mandala. for those of you who don't know what that is, it looks like this:

it is created painstakingly by monks tapping out colored sand. it teaches the beauty of impermanence and non-attachment in that after the mandala, which takes hours/days to create, is finished, it is blown away like so much sand on a beach. so of course, i had to go. claire proposed that i take a cab since they were riding their bikes. at the last minute i decided to walk all two miles from my house to federal hill. it was not really that bad and it was a beautiful day. the exhibit, "all faiths beautiful" was beautiful and beyond inspiring and watching the monks awakened something inside me long dormant. my commitment to study and practice buddhism (as much as anyone can actually do those things) has waned as of late and i felt reinspired. (my tweets also mention honeybees. i've been reading so much on our current honeybee plight and i feel this becoming a cause) so after the museum, i walked to the harbor, got some italian ice and dinner and just looked out on the water. it felt good.

four miles later, my body is hurting but it's the good kind. i'm so glad that i've really stuck to exercising. i think i'm starting to see the results which is happy. don't get me wrong, i'm still bored out of my mind and sad that all of my friends have gone away but at least i'm content with my life. that's saying quite a lot.

it really says something about lovers leaping like gazelles

2008-06-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

so it seems that i may have jinxed myself, you be the judge.

shortly after i wrote my last post, i found out that the savage mountain arts chamber music institute, to which my trio and i were to be a part, canceled this summer, due to low enrollment. this was a crushing blow, let me tell you. i had been looking forward to this since last fall. however, these things happen, especially to smaller camps. i've seen similar during my time at nyu. it just seems that all of my fabulous plans for the summer imploded on themselves (arabian nights, summer opera theatre, savage mountain) which leaves me at home to practice and prepare for the fall, which would be great except for the fact that i have carpal tunnel in both hands, the reason why i couldn't do some of these things in the first place. so this turns into another one of those summers where i'm at home, nursing my broken and feeble body. don't worry, it's nothing new.

so i guess part of me is counteracting that by working out. hard. i mean i worked out a lot last summer with my father after my unsightly (and unexpected) weight gain due to massive traveling on the part of grad school auditions. and i did lose weight and get myself back. but this summer it's all about getting stronger...

we can rebuild her, make her stronger, faster.

...and losing some of that baby fat that refuses to go away. that and the fact that i'm bored as hell and working out every day helps me to relieve my every day stress. my injuries feel better, too, but that's not rocket science. (i'm actually typing this after i finished about 40 minutes of yoga). hopefully, something will come to show of it.

as you know, i've shown some real disdain for baltimore this summer due to my incessant boredom. but something has come along to make me proud to be a resident of charm city. thanks to alex ross for bringing this to my attention. baltimore's own, hybrid groove project have just put out "hgp anthem" dissing the likes of peabody faves alarm will sound and so percussion not to mention bang on a can, james levine and many more. this might be the best battle rap i've heard in a while. okay, maybe not but it's pretty badass. read about it here and, well, big ups to mobtown.

there were a lot of no's in that sentence

2008-06-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

there's something very cathartic about cleaning. it lets you get your physical space together as well as your mental one. since i have, virtually, nothing to do, i've been cleaning quite a bit. washing everything in sight, sweeping a whole house of wood floors, watering plants, folding clothes, you name it. it helps keep me at peace and let me sleep at night. because let me tell you, the terrors and fears are never too far behind.

today i got an email from PK. it was really sweet. he asked me about my trip to the caribbean. he also told me that he thought the playing in my jury was the best he had heard from me. that really meant a lot. he discussed a summer plan for me to really get me moving this fall and i was just so grateful that he took the time to do that. it wasn't degrading or anything like that. just a teacher being helpful. i really took it to heart. if i had a ridiculous ego and no shame i would have taken it as an offense. good thing that's not me at all. unfortunately, i have to email him and let him know about the CTS. i'm sure that will invariably change his plans for me.

like the line in one of my favorite movies, "we never seem to get a break."

so june has been pretty pointless for the most part even though i had to miss one of my very dear friend's wedding and the senior recital of one of my favorite people. you know, tied to a very nonsense job that leaves even my co-workers confused. next week, however, i will be up in NYC for a bridal shower (its the summer of weddings!) so that will be an experience. i'm really just counting down to july. i miss my trio and i can't wait for the time we'll have up in frostburg.

i'm reminded of father's day. my own father and other fathers. i feel like maybe dads get the short end of the stick sometimes. i'll be the first person to say that the relationship between my father and i is much different from that between me and my mother. don't get me wrong, i love them more than life itself and i couldn't get along without them. but i'm a girl and have always been attached to my mother. but i'm not going to leave it to one day to express the love i have for my father. he and i have been through a lot and he's number one in my heart. i was deeply saddened by the passing of tim russert on friday, moreso than by any other "celebrity" figure i can think of, especially upon hearing the touching stories of him, his father and his son. too little do we hear stories about great fathers. maybe because we don't think they deserve the credit, or "that's their job" (a phrase i loathe) i know for a fact that i would not be where i am without my father and i grieve for the russerts in this loss of their father, son and husband.

i'd really rather not end this on such a sad and poignant note so i'll have to come up with something...i don't know, thoughts escape me. i guess i'll just wish everyone a very happy father's day! (love you daddy!)

i heard it in the wind last night, sounded like applause.

2008-06-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

music is a funny thing.

this weekend was one for which i wasn't really prepared. it involves music and, i guess, the past. my two great loves. part of my vacation was to be part of two alumni concerts, one at my high school and the other involving my youth orchestra. and it seems like everything that occurred around those two events showed me how much the passing of time can either romanticize things or harden our hearts.

the first thing that i noticed was the litany of phone calls i received in a few short days. people with whom (unfortunately) i had not spoken to in years, called me. and immediately, it was like restarting a conversation that had been cut off. it was so easy and natural and surprising in that way. being the sentimentalist that i am, i welcomed it. they are all people that i love and had missed dearly. not to mention that in that wave of phone calls came others from people in my present that i also love dearly. it had a profound impact on me.

the next thing was the concerts themselves. and here comes the divide. i had a lot of problems in high school. sometimes, my band program and i were not on the best of terms and that is most definitely not how i left. i carried around a lot of resentment because being in that program became my whole life. certain people left me feeling jilted and after so many years of believing in them, that's a hard feeling to stomach. but the thing about all of that is, underneath all of that pain lay a deep love which i have always wanted to rekindle. and the moment that i walked into the building and set my eyes upon a man that i had not talked to in almost eight years, and those last words were an argument between us, all of the hurt inside me melted away. i had missed him. what i didn't realize was that while i had thought i still felt the initial pain from my past, time had worn it away and only left the feelings with which i had started. it felt good. i felt good. yes, being at my high school, playing on that stage is mildly unnerving, considering. but i definitely left feeling that the whole thing had been worth doing. i even left with a few tears in my eyes. now today was the youth orchestra alumni concert and i will just say that it was the complete and total opposite, the antithesis, really of what had happened before. the anger that i felt came welling back to the surface (i will make an EXTREMELY long story short by saying that we were never on good terms) and what it turned into was a complete reversion --- i turned into the 17 year old troublemaker. and it felt kind of good, i'll be honest. i made wisecrack remarks in the back, making everyone around me laugh and tossed everything to the wind. here, i felt like nothing had changed and i hated that. it even seemed like things had gotten worse over the years rather than better. i think people wonder how i remember such small things with such veracity. they just made such an impact on me...but what i realized was that i don't care anymore the way i used to. i cared then because i had to care, had to believe that i was committed to something and was going to make it work. i am now free of those shackles, thanks to time and the advancement of age. i think i understand that some things will never change but i have to. doing this makes that tangible.

funny how music can bring everyone back...back together, back to life. i saw people i haven't seen in years and worried that i would never see again. a lot of them are working in the real world (it's the real world to me, my own world seems quite imaginary), starting families and creating new lives for themselves. if anything, i envy them because they've made so much change in their life. i'm still the girl behind the bassoon. but in any case, i respect them and they respect me. we sit down together and just make music. it couldn't be any more simple. and i honestly wish that it could always be that way. i know, however, that that is not the case. i am happy that these past couple of days have allowed me to regenerate new connections. those ties that we make to people never really break. i think in the end, that's how our lives will be measured, by the connections that we make. i hope that people will come to remember and think well of me.

yes, if you're looking for infinity, just close your eyes!

2008-05-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

my vacation to the cayman islands was strange, in some regards.

i found myself sitting on my patio at 1:30 in the morning, reading milan kundera's the unbearable lightness of being and listening to ian bostridge sing grainger's brigg fair on constant repeat, feeling the breeze from the night sea, crying on the inside.

it reminded me of things and people whose names are not as important as the impact they have had on me recently. i've felt this indescribable feeling of emptiness. when i say empty, i mean poured out from a vase. not lacking but there was something there, something of which i am conscious but not clear. my alone time was pretty much spent that way for the entire trip. while wrapped up in the intoxicating prose of kundera and hearing (what i believe to be) the utterly quixotic and sensual sound of this song from the english countryside, i thought about my own spirit and what it would be like to complete someone. how devastating, painful and beautiful that would be. i know that doesn't really make any sense. it's so damn hard to explain.

but i promise, it wasn't depressing. it was transcendent. it was like i didn't feel anything at all, i just existed. and in that existence, i relived memories that really touched me. there is more but i can and will not say at this time, if ever. i have learned over the years (the hard way, unfortunately) that some things are best kept private.

aside from those moments, grand cayman was wonderful. i snorkeled with cute little fish, spoke italian, got hit on by many an island man and bought the best rum cake EVER. jealous, eh? i know, i know. but we can't all vacation forever...

if you want someone to write about jazz, then you do it.

2008-05-23T21:25:00.001-07:00

self-hatred and self-doubt is an ugly thing. it took me a long time to realize that it was external doubt that was fueling my inner demons. right now, i'm still trying to get over something said about me by someone i love who i am just starting to see never really understood me. i have never fit into anyone's plan as a musician. and no one seems to get it, my father doesn't even seem to get it. i have such big plans for myself and this career. whether or not i'll achieve them is another story but just because i don't fall into your idea of what my future should be doesn't make me any less of a musician. i don't like to compared to other people cause i'm not them. they're not me, it's very simple.

and let me make it clear, it's not vanity. i just feel very clearly about what i'm supposed to do with my life. and i hurt because i feel alone because i live in a world of other people's standards. that's not uncommon, i know but the uncertainty it caused in me...it makes me resentful. or made me resentful, shall i say. i guess it just hurts more than anything.

luckily for me, i've finally found a reason to be proud of myself. and i don't think anyone can take it away no matter what's said. i had to get that off of my chest before i left for vacation. it's been a big hump this year. i allowed myself to live with a certain amount of pain and i don't think i'll let myself do it again. on more important terms, my mother's birthday is today (or i guess, yesterday) and i'm so proud of her. she's going through a lot (she quit smoking) and she means the world to me. a very close friend of mine just lost a parent and i grieve for her, immensely. i don't really know what to say to her because i can't fathom what she's dealing with but i just want to put my arms around her. family, i think, can give us purpose. i've had my own problems with my family over the years but these things really make you reevaluate your relationships.

i am a rock in a sea of chaos.

2008-05-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

in a lot of ways, i am a very lucky girl.

i have thought about this recently when it comes to relationships. and by relationships, i mean, connections between one person and another. on the whole, i have found people with whom i can make lasting and meaningful connections. every now and then there is an aberration of sorts but not every person is a person you want to know. but here's the thing. we go through a lot of adversity in our lives, some of it private and solitary and some of it public. there are people in my life with whom i've had serious problems that had to be overcome. and somehow, in spite of that, we've remained close. mainly because there was a foundation there upon which to build.

i never thought that my friendship would mean so much to people. i never thought that someone would trust me with their private lives, their secrets and feelings. the fact that someone confides in me and cares about my feelings, even after traversing through dangerous ground is pretty mind-blowing. i was reminded of this very recently and i'm still kind of awestruck by it. and what amazes me is the fact that over the course of my life, i'm able to find these people and connect with them.

if that's not luck, i don't know what is. :)

i am listening to messaien's des canyons aux étoiles right now. i figured it would get me in the right frame of mind before my trip. i don't know if i was right on that accord but hey, a little messaien never did anyone any harm, now did it?

don't ruin my artistic vision!

2008-05-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

i love how no one takes to my meaning.

i wrote a note on facebook complaining about how upset i was about my grades this semester. for some reason everyone thought it meant one thing and said, "cheer up, imani, your grades aren't that bad, it doesn't matter." well i KNOW that. the issue is the fact that every class that could have been an A wasn't because i let myself get caught up in a job that has no bearing on my life and has made my overall life increasingly difficult. that makes me angry and rightfully so. whatever...

so my carpal tunnel is back in my left hand (i really shouldn't be typing then, should i?), just one more thing in my list of grievances. but as someone i know would say, life is good. two more days of the tech week from hell and then i'm on vacation. it's a very happy thing, sunny prospects lie ahead, literally.

as whole enamored worlds will say

2008-04-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."

i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.

i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.

i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.

it's enough to move me to tears.

you are the forest.

2008-04-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.

on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.

it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.

when she performs, in such a way

2008-03-29T21:38:00.001-07:00

the great thing about music as opposed to dance (and opera, theater, etc) is no crazy theatrics that cost tons of money. stage+stands=success.

the great thing about dance as opposed to music? beautiful, shirtless men. if male musicians were required to play without THEIR shirts, i'd leave the profession immediately. that being said, i'm in the right line of work. the pay is okay and the rules are pretty flex. plus, i have plenty of opportunities to watch shirtless men dance (and dance with them, i might add). our showcase tonight went very well save a few glitches which is to be expected. but i finally got to see our dancers and i will say that they are meant to do what they are doing. and you know how, and this is in any art, there are always the ones from whom you can't look away? i saw that tonight. one girl has the most beautiful face i've ever seen, beyond her years, not in age, but in flirtation. with a very subtle glance she seems to hint at the most seductive and beautiful things. and then in the next moment she is smiling, radiantly. another girl was just magnetic, agile and strong. she slinked across the stage, the power and strength just rippling in her lean muscles. and my other particular favorite just had the look of wisdom and girl-next-door beauty. she's a funny girl outside of the stage and her effervescence just shines through. that does not mean that all the dancers weren't fantastic. but you always know. i've known some young musicians like that who just awe me every time i watch them perform. they are filled with something magical. that magic gives me hope.

(wow, that was corny)

but now i can somewhat regain control of my life which is comforting. it's been pretty rough but i think i'm finally reaching calm air. i don't have any time for anything else, anyway.

and they were staring at her shoes all night

2008-03-16T22:07:00.001-07:00

i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.

freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.

i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)

but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?

and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.

that's such a lonely thing to do.

2008-02-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

self-reflection and introspection always seemed to come easy to me. as if i had to say it to myself, out loud, to fully comprehend what was going on in my own mind. my feelings? your guess is as good as mine. but there's something that comes along with that revelation when you actually speak the words.its as if you give it life, it comes into existence. and in that existence comes some sort of truth about yourself. whether or not you're ready to handle that is another story.

so i keep saying things as if to validate my own existence. that can be troublesome (and burdensome) at times but i do it. i think, therefore...and all that. and what do i learn about myself? that i am a complex organism. understatement, no? but think about it for a minute. that thought helps to give all of our emotions and actions some sort of relevance and sense. it all can't be just because. talking to my housemate about love gives me closure about love (yes, i NEED closure) and giving my best friend advice allows me insight to that same advice.

ah, love. it all comes back to that, doesn't it. sometimes i think i'm "unlucky" but that's not it at all. unfortunately, i've yet to find a better adjective. i seem to be out of time while all of my friends are inside of time, and i watch over and smile but feel separated and incapable. but i am capable and have been loved. for now, i'll continue to float.

i don't just feel that way about love --- i feel that way about my life's work, like i'm existing outside of myself and someone/something else is doing everything, pulling the strings. maybe i have to separate my consciousness from my emotion in order to accomplish anything of worth, i don't really know. but so far, so good.

are you gonna let me go there by myself?

the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged

2008-01-23T18:02:00.001-08:00

we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.

however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.

so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.

this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?

right.

...all the terrible things i'm about to unveil.

2007-12-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

so many things this holiday season. i feel like i started this blog a year ago with the same sort of feelings in mind. i guess some things never change.

benazir bhutto was assassinated. i don't know what to say about this, honestly, because i don't feel like i know the whole story. does anyone ever? in these instances, and we know them all too well, it's more than the actual death of the person that impacts us. it's the impact that that person could have had on us as a society, the world --- the loss of that opportunity that hurts us. who knows what she could have accomplished. and in all honesty, i can't be too sad about it because i feel like people like her know the path they're taking and have reconciled themselves. at this point in history, i almost feel like its a necessary part of the journey. sad but maybe elemental.

two other people who i respect and admire passed away (of less severe causes) around the season --- oscar peterson and michael kidd. more and more people of that stature, those who have created great art are meeting their end, an unavoidable fact but as that occurs, i feel as if i'm walking in a wasteland. to whom do i prostrate? maybe the time of gods are over, i don't know. but i've never yearned for something more, to bask in the glory of one's greatness. to be a part of their dual nature, other-worldly and amazingly human. maybe it's the curse of my generation. maybe someone will create new gods. till then, i'll pay my respects.

the end of 2007 is in sight. i don't know how i feel about looking back upon this year. it is one of massive change in my life but, fortunately, was not the most life-changing in regards to the last couple. i've learned a lot, that's for sure and i guess that's all that anyone can take out of it, no? i mean come on. have i had better luck with men? god no. have i run into obstacles in my professional life? oh yes. and there is nothing out there that says it gets easier but for the first time in a truly long time, i feel happy and at peace. now, i'm not working to escape, i'm working to reach the goals of which i've been dreaming.

and i can't ask for more than that.

the guardian of your challenge does not cry

2007-11-18T13:53:00.001-08:00

so this has definitely been the largest stretch of time i've gone without writing here. i guess it begs the question: has my life been memorable enough to put down in words. on one hand yes, on the other, definitely not. a strange dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

let's see --- i'm trying to live a new life and be a new person here in baltimore and it's happening for me. i finally have found a community within which i feel comfortable so i exercise that comfort. i go out to parties and concerts and try to be as visible as i can. there's no reason for me to stay locked up in my basement. and i've definitely found a few people that i have really connected with which is so exciting. i don't feel quite so alone. however, i have come to a crossroads musically. on the one hand i'm getting better and better every day and on the other, i have to go back to the basics because there's so much internal stuff to fix and that makes me feel like i'm at square one. it just reminds me that i'm choosing the right path. i'm feeling so much love from the musicology department and things are crystallizing for me which is nice. don't get me wrong. the bassoon is my first love and i still want to teach and perform and be the best bassoonist i can be but it's just this: at app everyone wanted to be a secondary education teacher and i didn't want that. at queens everyone wanted to freelance and be a part of the NYC scene and i didn't want that. at peabody, everyone wants to have a ridiculous solo performing career and i don't want that either. i want to be me and do what i want to do and i've grown tired of trying to fit into other people's molds. so i have to make what i want to do work for me where i am.

there are not many places where you can learn to be a matriarch. :)

personally, i've been through a few conflicts in my life. first, a health scare and second, a reevaluation of just who i am. now that thats past, i'm looking over the relationship thing. i'm so comfortable being single just because i think it's easy. so says the introvert only child. but there are so many other things that i have to think about that i have to face (you know, stuff that requires a great deal of therapy) and i have to make the decision to face them. unfortunately for me, i've run into a lot of my past here in baltimore and it's been a challenge to move forward. but i'm doing it. speaking of, another conflict is that of what happens after all of this. i'm going home it's never been more clear to me. and i think i could be the only person around who would be unhappy if i didn't get into carolina and got into yale. i'm ready to be back home around my parents and happy. not that i'm doing badly here, it's a start (much better than new york) but the older i get the more nostalgic i become.

i wonder what gingerich would say about that. (schubert class reference, don't worry about it)

so in two weeks, PSO is playing at the kennedy center honors so watch for it on CBS. i plan on being back in new york in a couple of weeks...i don't know how that's going to work but you know it's worth a shot. :) i'll be home on tuesday and that's going to be amazing i can feel it. it's about time.

what has she written?

2007-09-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

wow. i guess i didn't really do things during my undergrad i was posting in here non-stop. and to be honest, i didn't really have anything to talk about. i do now but i don't have time.

oh, the irony.

but it's friday night, i don't have school tomorrow (which is a rarity) so i figured i'd sit down and recollect.

i'm going to go on a rant for a little bit and you must forgive me but i totally agree with whoever says there can't be an intelligent designer when they could make things so imperfectly. i hate my body. i hate the fact that it can't do the simple things, like walking, without feeling that i'm going to need to go to the hospital. i hate feeing like i'm letting people down because i can't do what's asked of me. i couldn't play in my lesson today and even though my teacher insisted that i not play, i couldn't help feeling like a failure. i know that this is a very warped sense of reality and i am dealing with it accordingly but i wish i didn't have to be put in this situation in the first place.

on more down-to-earth news, two weeks till my fall break. i'm very excited...i should find out about my (new) car on monday. tomorrow is my very first orchestra concert at peabody. it's really occurring to me just how different my life is here. this ocncert is sold out. what? oh yeah. i think i could get used to this.

there isn't much very special going on in my life, i'm too busy for that but i'm hopeful.

can't you just come back for a couple of weeks?

2007-09-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

just a quick little post to whittle away my last half hour at work.

i called the boss lady at work today. she and martha were very happy to hear from me. apparently, it's swamped in the office and they have no one to replace me (which saddens me, of course) they asked me how i was doing and if i had settled in. it was nice to hear their voices. lisa was like "i can't even imagine starting a new year without you...i need someone that i can, like, do stuff with." that job was a very important part of my life for almost four years. they became my family and that's not something that's easy to give up. i can't wait till i go back and see them. just watch, everything will have changed.

i really wish i could explain to others, and to myself, why i love my home state so much. it's something so uniquely american, i feel. i've just been mad digging on n.c. the past couple of weeks. going to obx inspired me, i think. that and when i invited all of my friends list to join "race for the states - north carolina" that they did! and after app state beat michigan, i felt like it was freaking christmas (i'm still talking about it and it was saturday) i don't know. no place beats home, anyone's home and that's a big part but i'll be damned --- i've been to a lot of places and none of them are as beautiful as north carolina.

we're all growing up, the way it's supposed to be.

2007-08-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

long time, no see.

i've been absurdly busy over the past few weeks with my move to baltimore. that and starting at a new school had taken over my life but i'm finally at a point where i can at least write --- sit down, catch my breath. this is an entirely new experience for me. when i walk to the bus i take to school, i walk through these beautiful neighborhoods filled with painted lady row houses, hidden by trees saying in the breeze. i can't explain to you how different that is from a walk i used to take to achieve the same purpose. it's just so invigorating. but then again, so is the newness of everything. but honestly, as i sit here in my new room, i feel old hat at at least most of it. i'm just glad this isn't like five years ago. i don't feel lonely like i did when i moved to new york or when i moved to boone for that mater. i just feel good.

i realized the other night that this is the first time in a long time that i've been really stable. like i have nothing in my life to complain about. i'm not depressed and i feel really good about life and where it's going. did i just have to move out of new york to achieve all of that? i don't think so, but it helps. i've been calling people and reaching out to people and feels so nice. like why hold back? everyone, i'm cool with you. it's all good.

i am scared of what lies ahead. can i handle it? yeah but who knows how... but that is life. i'm not worrying about it too much.

the transition from summer into fall is, in my opinion, the best time of year (after the beginning of spring, of course) i wish it stayed this way all the time. now all i have to do is start playing and find me a relationship, oh yeah and buy a car, and i'll be set.

from murphy to manteo, city streets or a country mile.

2007-08-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

so i've been noticeably absent --- traveling all over the place getting things ready for the big move. but it hasn't all been work. i just got back from a trip to the outer banks with a friend of mine and man oh man, was that what i needed. i'll break it down to you in a nutshell (aka, list form) as to why this trip was amazing:

- THE OUTER BANKS!
- at the beach during the hottest week on record
- sea kayaking with dolphins (at high tide no less)
- the wright brothers memorial at night
- walking along the beach at night with TONS of ghost crabs
- dairy queen and a putt-putt golf course with a train ride
- riding in the back (flatbed) of a truck to said dairy queen
- driving down 12 south
- jockey's ridge, the cape hatteras national seashore and the bodie island lighthouse
- real north carolina barbecue

it was jampacked and i didn't get much time to rest. so i should be resting now. and i will...i'm just having such a good time reminiscing. i mean i really love north carolina for those of you who don't know. it's just such an amazing place. i mean you know the saying...."you know how i know god's from north carolina? cause he made the sky tarheel blue."

it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

2007-07-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

2007-07-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.

"i rarely apologize because i seldom make any mistakes."

2007-07-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

just a few random things seeing as how there's not much going on in my life (except getting a job :) and looking for a new place to live) and i have no real social commentary:

well for starters, i think i just ruptured my eardrum, or am about to. when i was 18, my eardrum ruptured in my sleep and i woke up in the morning covered in blood. i had irreversible hearing loss. yeah, that sucked. (sorry, i told you this was random) no matter how often i drive/walk around, i will never get over how awesome it is to be in raleigh where everyone says "hi". some people may not understand just how valuable that is but i like being able to talk to be on the street or that when i call up my pharmacy, go to the bank or order food, the person on the other side calls me "baby" or "darling" in the way only a southerner can (all three of those things happened to me today) why anyone would ever want to leave that is beyond me.

i love going through my library and discovering new things. right now i'm listening to bernstein's MASS and i hadn't really listened to it after i had gotten it. and of course, i totally love it. listening to the responsory, i could just imagine doing this with the jazz vocal ensemble at app or a handful of people from v/e. but i can't start thinking about v/e and all of the wonderful things i could do with them cause i'll get really sad (damn you hamish maccunn part songs!) and i've been listening to britten's the turn of the screw like a fiend. i mean how powerful is the line "the ceremony of innocence is drowned". holy moly. and all of this after listening to hours of handel today (i watched rodelinda on ovation which was four hours long, fell asleep during the last fifteen minutes and didn't find out what happened so i had to watch it all over again) that's a lot of music.

well like i mentioned above, i got a job working at peabody as a lab assistant. not much but it pays the bills. and next week, i'll be going up to baltimore to find a place to live. so then i'll have something interestant to write about, i hope.

well, i don't envy you at all.

2007-07-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

it is very difficult to explain to someone why you would choose a school whose tuition is $45,000 with no scholarship than one who gave you 90% of your expected tuition. it's even harder to hear it come out of your own mouth and make the justification. but i did it and as much as i sometimes agonize over my decisions, i know that they are the right ones. i have the support of my parents (which means more to me than just about anything else), my teacher and all of my friends.

i gave up a teaching position, relative financial stability and a virtually easy degree program to take a risk. so many people have told me that it's only the risk takers that truly achieve great success. i am willing to lose everything to gain everything. but god damn, if that's not the scariest thing in the world. some people may think that this is not really a risk but the smartest decision i could make. well, that might be true but the thing is, i don't know what's going to come on the other side of this. and giving up your stability and letting go of your comfort zone. that's a fucking big risk.

but hey, i'm a fighter.

oh come now, so much modesty.

2007-07-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

this morning while i was eating breakfast, i watched a very interesting episode of babar.

yes, babar, the show about the elephants.

anyway, babar was telling his son a story about when he was a young king and how the great leopold, "the greatest pianist of our generation" was coming to celesteville. well babar was going to give a speech but was so transfixed by a piece that the old lady was playing and decided that, not only did he want to learn how to play the piano and that song, but that he was going to welcome the great leopold with a concert. (and yes, they get around the fact that he's an elephant and doesn't have fingers) now he has four weeks to do this and he gives up all of his spare time to practice. of course, that plan goes awry (and one who was a kid and had to practice will attest to that) and at the end of the four weeks and after countless nightmares, is not able to perform the piece. but with the old lady's help, he plays the only piece he knows how, "baa baa black sheep", which just happens to be a similar theme in haydn's surprise symphony, one of the great leopold's favorite pieces.

now the theme of this story is to take on tasks you are prepared to handle, but of course i saw it as an ode to practicing, or lack thereof. i mean, how do you teach a child (or anyone for that matter) to practice? it's hard. it took me a very long time to understand really how to practice and now i love to do it because i've seen the results. but i remember being 12 and not really having the best experience. there was a moment in the show where all of the notes blurred together and babar sort of had sheet music tunnel vision. i laughed cause that still happens to me. you practice for more than two hours and its 2:05 in the morning and you sort of lose your grip on reality and your own sanity.

but it made me laugh and i need laughs nowadays. babar was always a great show.

let golden sleep charm your star-brighter eyes.

2007-07-13T01:53:00.000-07:00

ignore the time. i have an absolutely valid reason for being awake at this time. i'm about to get on a plane leaving for home (about meaning an hour and a half) and this is usual fare for me so it's all good. moving on.

completing a task is amazing. everything with queens college is finally squared away and i feel like i can leave with no worries or concerns. of course, there's always my paranoia that i didn't cross some t or dot some i but that's not happening. there's too much at stake. but it's nice to feel like you've accomplished something. on a distant yet related topic, i kind of feel bad when people in new york say, "well you'll be back to visit." they haven't known me for very long. i have no reason to come back so why would i? people say family. i pretty much have no desire to visit my family now or at any time in the future. and i rarely go out of the way to visit friends. didn't people see me tying up loose ends? (like take the fact that i asked my ex to lunch, he wasn't in town but he told me to call him when i came back to visit. i laughed for the sole reason that me coming back was not happening) i can count on one hand hand the people i have gone to visit while in college and two of those people live in north carolina. it's nothing personal, i just know how i am. and i love the people here greatly and i will be back...eventually. but it's nothing personal. and why does no one ever visit me? (well that's not true. those same people who i went to visit have all stayed with me in new york) if they want to see me so bad, they can get on the train for three hours and see me in baltimore. their call.

is it bad to love the line "hath eased you and pleased you"? it's more like eeeeeeased you and pleeeeeeeased you. it makes me think terrible thoughts. thanks, peter warlock. and i've said it once, but i'll say it again. ian bostridge's the english songbook is one of the best albums i own. it's a "listen all the way through" album. it'll go on my list with stevie nicks' bella donna and a whole bunch of albums to which i can listen to every track. brilliant.

and on an even more distant topic, i just heard a cover of pink's get this party started by shirley bassey. and i dare say, it might just be the most genius thing i've ever heard.

north carolina yields to south carolina?

2007-07-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

happy fourth of july, mes amis américains! it's been a pretty low-key holiday for me considering my history but it was rainy here in new york so i wasn't really inspired to go out. so instead, i stayed in watching all thirteen episodes of the revolution on the history channel and the inevitable law and order marathon. 'twas a beautiful thing. but it hasn't been all fun and games. a lot of thinking being done. in a state of half-consciousness, listening to the history channel, i dreamt up my subconscious thoughts about america and this war and all of this nonsense. it went back to the beginning of the declaration of independence, of course. this work in progress that we call america is such a grand and valued experiment, necessary. it is not our place to toy with the power we've accrued over the past centuries. we are to grow and to never think that we've achieved some sort of invincibility. we are rebels, independent thinkers, brave and full of reason. let that continue to be our legacy. not...not this.

i'm sitting here watching one of my favorite musicals ever, 1776 and i had failed to realize till now just how relevant a piece of art it is. just listen to cool, considerate men and you can see just how eerie it is. at times this was always a hard musical for me to watch, especially when rutledge sings his aria about slavery. but nonetheless, it is compelling and moving. go watch it, everyone.

but that's enough of that for one day.

i hope you all had your fill of barbecue, fireworks and other flammable goodies, good music and whatever it is that you drink on these holidays. i'll save my standard forms of celebration for another day when i have the opportunity. did i mention that this is my favorite holiday? oh yeah.

zueignung

2007-07-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

i realized something the other day as i was watching the english national ballet perform at wembeley stadium in the concert for diana: i could imagine people in the audience being annoyed at the fact that they had to watch ballet (maybe emasculating?) and as i was watching it, i was like, "boring. i've seen swan lake a BILLION times, you've got to be kidding me." me, the ballet enthusiast/lover/participant. then it came to me. everyone who thinks the arts are girly/pansy/boring/hoity-toity have never been to a rehearsal. if everyone could see the way we as artists rehearse, they would see things differently. they'd see things the way i see them.

rehearsals are rough.

there is a lot of sweating, cursing, pencil-erasing, yelling, laughing, etc. i think every dance rehearsal i've come back from, i've lost my nerve and hurt something/bled. every choral rehearsal i've ever had i've come back with some sort of hope for the future or utter disdain (depending on the choir) and every chamber music rehearsal, well, a lot of yelling takes place. and that's just the shit i do. go to an english national ballet rehearsal and see how hard they work. realize that every woman in there is made of lean muscle and could kick your ass if need be. do you think you could handle the gaggle of tyrannical conductors and their non-stop abuse? (and oh yeah, playing music is very physical. that's a whole different story) we rehearse for hours, late into the night with very little stopping. and there are not tuxes or fancy costumes. it's sweats, beat up jazz and pointe shoes and reading glasses. music in hand, pencils in hair, standing next to the barre, it's on.

maybe if that's what we as a whole saw, the intensity, emotion, work and sheer force, opinions would change. whether that matters or not is another story.

and msnbc has just announced that beverly sills has passed away. it was just the other day that i found out that she was sick. not only was she an amazing talent, she was a powerhouse on the new york arts scene. she will be missed. and fuck you msnbc for butchering her name. check your shit.

there's a red moon out tonight low on the horizon. sad night here in the city.

our anxieties about life and the passing of time and our emotional life … love lost.

2007-06-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

so just an update on the adapter situation from yesterday...so my adapter shorted out for like five minutes. so now i have an adapter that works and another on the way. i couldn't be more furious. but we have to look at the upsides, right? and the upside is, this adapter is on the way out and as soon as this one comes, i'm going to stop using this flimsy apple adapter. my god, you'd think they'd know better.

my teacher called me today from her new house upstate. she had been meaning to call me all week to say thank you for the card i wrote her. she told me how incredibly sweet it was and that it moved her. and she read it out loud to her husband who was also moved. of course, i got choked up, as is my way. i'm ridiculously sentimental and i have a tendency to make adults cry (which only leads to me crying and it's a whole vicious cycle) so this is par for the course for me. apparently, people don't thank her --- at all. that surprised me. everyone i talk to loves her. but whatever to them, i definitely let her know how much of an impact she's had on me over the past four years. so of course after we talked and she talked about keeping in touch, i let out this faux cry/whine to which she laughed. she sounded a little sad, though. but she doesn't have time to be sad, she's too busy.

so yes, i changed the layout, color-wise. it was getting a little too dark for me and i usually end up gravitating towards white for my blogs. greater color palette, i suppose. i really should change the song (not that i don't love v/e's recording of the saint-saens), to what i don't know. and the screenshot isn't even right. yikes.

the floor lay paved with broken hearts

2007-06-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

you know, apple, i'm really not happy with you right now. yes, the iPhone came out today, we are all aware. but playing the commercials every 30 seconds does not make me any more able to buy it than before. but that's not even why i'm angry. i'm angry because my notebook adapter just shorted out and the replacement costs $80! i'm tired of giving you my money on replacement stuff. thank god there are non apple brands for this sort of thing so i'm buying one that's more than half of yours. if stuff like this keeps adding up...

oh yeah, another thing. itunes store? don't offer only some of the tracks from an album and not all. i went to buy the tracks i was missing from britten's the turn of the screw and i was missing the last track from disc one, the one i had been LONGING to get (oh ian bostridge, even the reviews talk about how seductive you are --- even if in this case it's a thinly veiled description of someone's homosexual overtures towards boys wrapped up in james' guise of evil from beyond the grave) and i have to buy the whole album to get that track. are you kidding me? i'm on the fence about all of this.

moving away from the corporate, i've been talking a lot to people about (them) moving out of new york. too many blackouts. not enough trees. it does me good, partly because i think i'm ready to go. i think as you become an adult, the more stability you crave. i refuse to believe that new york can ever be stable. and that's not a bad thing, just my opinion. good thing north carolina is always waiting for me.

and yes, there are other reasons to leave new york. i'm reminded of this every single day. i went out to the island last night and had an encounter with a beautiful man. of course that did not come to fruition in any way imaginable. it just wasn't possible. i was in bay shore and i wasn't white, blonde and wearing a skirt. i wasn't meant to be.

okay, i should shut off my computer before it completely dies on me.

Dann sternlose Nacht, sei willkommen.

2007-06-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

oh, there's so much i've wanted to say over the past three days or so i don't even know where to begin. let's see if i can put this into some kind of coherent order.

yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.

continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.

friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.

the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?

i've grown tired of [t]his puppyhood.

2007-06-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

well it's day three of the institute and things have made a turn for the better. i really like my group --- the three high school boys are really great and cute, you know, eager. and lauren, the flautist is a riot. great flute player. i'm really starting to sink into my role as "assistant" and my ego is definitely more in check...

"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."

cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.

today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.

i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)

okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!

did you say that i was nice? and studious? and pretty!

2007-06-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

i have to get over the fact that we all have to and want our egos to be stroked. it's subconscious, i think. me being a musician makes it even worse and i don't know how to feel. maybe i should just acknowledge it and move on and have that be the best thing. it's really not as serious as it sounds, folks! i started the NYU summer institute for wind quintet and chamber music today. i've been doing it for the past four years and i've loved it. i was especially happy to do it this time considering this is the last time i will be able to...i get to spend time with great musicians and of course my wonderful teacher and her equally wonderful quintet. we were placed in our quintets and the piece my quintet is working on is one of the danzi quintets. and what do i do? i get upset (internally) because someone else is playing the ligeti and the francaix blah blah blah. i know how silly it was of me to get that way. i was asked to play not just because they needed a bassoonist but because they know me and my chamber music experience. i'm playing in a group that doesn't have as much experience and i'm there to help them out which i LOVE. but no, all of that got lost in my ego. well after a nice ride on the train, i think i set my self straight. i thought about how great i felt after working with my mendelssohn trio and then i just realized i was being silly. and the worst part is, i know it's from insecurity. the fact that i'm always trying to prove myself. "yeah, i can play that music, too." i don't know why its still in me. i know how good i am. people respect me. old habits die hard, i guess.

on the happier side of things, the institute is going to be great. my friend sam is there along with some other people i know. everyone there seems really excited. i hate that i'm going to be so separated from them due to summer school but i'll do what i can. and of course, laura never lets me down. i love her and i'm not ready to leave her! i hope to have a great experience, i really do. i know i can be off-putting (shock of shocks) but i'm here to learn like everyone else.

ugh, could i get any more sappy/motivational poster-ish?

wow, now that i've vented all of that, i feel like i don't have anything else to say. i think there will be more as the week progresses...that and an update from the q (marvin hamlisch) gala, make music new york and the close of the new york phil season: mahler 9, deborah voight conducted by maazel. oh yeah. happy father's day!

what have you done for me lately?

2007-06-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

so my alarm didn't go off this morning (or i didn't hear it) and i was sleeping, too busy dreaming about the release of leopard os 10.5 (and someone giving me an 17" apple cinema display for free) and when i woke up and went immediately to macthemes and macrumors, i realized that i've been spending too much time on the forums talking to developers and programmers.

i know i've mentioned about being a nerd here --- i don't think people really understand how deep it goes. i was out with some of my friends the other day and i was talking about way back in the day when my first computer was a tandy and i was typing out all of this dos stuff on a black screen. what a childhood.

there's nothing like learning about human nature and the state of your society as a whole by being in school, namely a political science class. and not because of what's being taught but because of what's coming out of people's mouth. i should learn to stop being so surprised at what people say. sometimes i worry. sometimes i'm amazed at the things that i don't know (which of course saddens me), i'm never amazed at what other's don't know (which also saddens me) and i mean i guess that's what college is for blah blah blah but i really wonder.

going back to the beginning of this post for a hot sec, i got my graduation present --- a new battery for my laptop. i know that sounds silly but it's making my life so much easier right now i can't even tell you. and i'm watching free stuff hoping that maybe just once in my life i could get some free stuff. maybe that's what my dream was for! i'll update you on that one.

in other very random not-tech news, the real world (mtv not the actual real world) is ridiculous. i used to be an overly dramatic person, like to the point of sheer mania. thanks to experience and some people with a knack for tough love (and being jackasses) i grew out of it. to think that people could be that dramatic is beyond words to me, like serious. how do people make it through life acting in such a way? oh yeah, i guess by being on tv.

and i would have no problem having dinner with an ex. it shows a certain level of maturity. and though i hate to admit it, my exes are all pretty good good guys...

those of you who know how i talk and my sense of humor will understand that immediately. and for those who don't, i'm being serious, just with a smile on my face.

just one moment, good people.

2007-06-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.

okay, on to the rant.

so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.

but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?

so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.

see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?

no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.

okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.

but an unconstant lover is worse than any thief.

2007-06-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

is it possible for a song to make you feel in love?

new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.

with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.

but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.

(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)

your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.

2007-06-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.

but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.

right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.

don't you believe it's worth something?

2007-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

i guess there's something to be said for formality and ceremony. it can bring out the best (and the worst) in people, but we're going to focus on the good stuff.

today was my commencement ceremony and i will say, the actual commencement --- shoot me in the face. it was HOT beyond belief and the whole host of speakers really let me down. siri sounded fantastic singing the national anthem, of course. and my quartet's rendition of the alma mater "blue and silver" was apparently, 'the best ever sung'. but the thing that got me took place after commencement. there was a music majors brunch and all my faculty were there and my classmates and it got me, you know, emotional because they have been my one point of inspiration throughout this quagmire and they are worth talking about, praising and missing. oh man, i have got to stop with this.

so now...pictures!

i love this picture. me with two of my favorite professors (and people) in the world, prof. john (l) and prof. oates (r)

the alma mater quartet

my theatre kids

if you'd like to see more (and there are more) you can go here. i'm going to look back on this as something special, i know it. you know when i was finally on my way out of the building, my professors started to get like sad that i was leaving, like that's the last that they'll see of me. no way, just ask the mac. you'll see this face again.

a perfect world begins and ends with us.

2007-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.

this gives me faith for the future.

2007-05-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

talk about an extra-musical experience.

i have to write about this because it gripped me so fiercely. the preparatory school where i work gave a chamber music concert with all of the chamber groups. i was in a group and we played mendelssohn. it went very well, i'm proud of them. me, however, could have been better but that's neither here nor there. the last group played shostakovich's string quartet no. 8 and it was mindblowing. these are high schoolers, on the young side and the ferocity and energy with which they played was infectious. now i must mention that i take on all of these kids as my own (which makes this even more fantastic) and hearing them play filled me with such pride. not just them but all of the groups that performed today. like i told one of my co-workers, it makes me happy about my chosen profession.

so yes, my kids are amazing. and shostakovich is fucking metal. and nothing in the world could make me happier.

i think i should lock the door.

2007-05-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.

Si je dois reparaître, au jour fixè devant toi, ne m'accuse pas, pleure - moi! Pleure - moi!

2007-05-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

so regarding the previous post...it encompasses many things, things for which i wasn't even prepared. the original intention of the statement was to imply that i'm not necessarily made for anything else anymore. sometimes i'm barely a musician, i feel. but i guess i was just exhausted from school and all of these people asking things from me.

but let's talk about the good side to this comment (yes, there is one) i was on my way to call for the vocal ensemble concert tonight and this woman stopped me in the hallway. she said, "i know you don't know me but i was at the [wind ensemble] concert and i just wanted to tell you that you're one of the most amazing bassoonists i've ever seen." and she went on to tell me that her daughter used to play bassoon and her friend next to her is a music teacher and she said the same thing. she asked me if i was getting offers and she was just so amazed at how good i was. i was just so shocked after she said all of this to me. that's the stuff i live for. i mean honestly, it really means a lot to me and i told her so. its moments like that remind me that maybe somewhere along the way, i made the right choice.

i'm not in my right mind right now...i've just ended a great love affair with my vocal ensemble. like with any love affair, there were fights, some disappointment but in the end, they have my heart. and they know it. so now i'm just going to sit and reflect and cry a little more. i'm such a girl.

i've gone past swallowing my pride

2007-05-08T22:46:00.000-07:00

all i ever claimed to be was a musician. that was all...
[more on this to follow]

this queasy view of the future.

2007-05-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

i know i said i wouldn't do this but i was so struck by this when i read it that i had to write it somewhere.

"ah, this is the constitution," he said. "now mark my words. so long as we are a young and virtuous people, this instrument will bind us together in mutual interests, mutual welfare, and mutual happiness. but when we become old and corrupt, it will bind us no longer."

ron chernow, alexander hamilton

the lord will fight for you, just be still.

2007-04-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

right now i'm watching the trial of darryl hunt on HBO, something that i was excited about watching when i first heard about it. watching it, however, hurts my heart. it's about a rape and murder trial that took place in winston-salem in 1984. anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about my home state. it hurts to know just what kind of racism and injustice existed(s) there. also, watching the judicial system fail time and time again also hurts. but it's an ugly truth, which of course is not something i like to admit.

on a much more pleasant note, i got accepted to northwestern today. unfortunately, i had to turn them down seeing as how i sent in my deposit to peabody (i really didn't want to wait until today, i thought it would be way too late) but it was hard for me because i hate to say no. they seemed very enthused and i told cory wikan (head of graduate admissions) how much i loved the school. i really would have considered them had i had time to think about it. but i was down to the wire and i was not going to let peabody go.

my mother asked me if my friends were mad at me for getting into all of these grad schools. i laughed (only my mother could ask that question) and i told her no...we all want the best for each other. but after i talked to my parents, i went to my office and cried only because these results seem so unfathomable to me. but even more than that, these acceptances are proof that all of my hard work, agony and suffering have not been in vain. its the only thing that makes me happy, to be completely honest. i have worked damn hard and i am the LAST person to call myself deserving (because of my severe lack of self-esteem...another story) but i work because this is the thing that runs through my veins. do yo know what that feels like? does anyone? do i, honestly? do i understand the working of my own heart that sends blood through my own body? it's like that. it is involuntary and lifegiving.

if i think about it, i'll just continue to cry so i won't.

if there are noises...

2007-04-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

so before i get to the task of writing my behemoth of an art history paper (maybe i won't go to math?) i figured i'd put a few things down to get me in the writing mood.

people continuously surprise me. in a positive way, of course but still. i will give you some examples (hopefully no one will attack me for this later) today after my choir concert in the city (which was fantastic by the way) a whole bunch of us went to the bar and had some drinks/ate dinner. there was a moment when i was standing next to my ex-boyfriend and our hands touched. this is meaningless to this story, honestly. i flinched, he flinched, whatever. but as we all left, he reached out to hug me. we hugged and i called him darling. again, this means nothing but it was comforting in a way. i'd like to think that i'm tying up loose ends. in that same vein, my other two exes (well the other recent ones) had contacted me in some way today. again, random, out of the blue and surprising.

i feel bad for disliking bad musicians. let me clarify --- bad musicians with nasty attitudes. i feel i just need to get that out there. but to be honest, being surrounded by amazing musicians who don't take themselves too seriously makes up for it.

(and if this is the blog she reads, i just want to give a shout out to oboist toyin spellman from the imani winds who found me by accident --- the story was very funny as it was told to me and i hope you enjoy my little tales of adventure and intrigue)

these past couple of weeks have been murder and will continue to be for quite some time. as much as i hate it, it's pretty much necessary. this week is the last week of my internship so i have to make up a lot of work to finalize everything. on top of that, this massive copying job for choral society has to be finished by the end of this week, blah blah blah. it's the same usual thing so i'm not going to sit here and whine. remember, i only wrote so i could get ready to talk about leger and synthetic cubism.

and i think that's my cue.

when music and lights are gone and we're saying goodbye.

2007-04-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

with the flood of negativity that seems to have swept everything, it's good to remember how good life can be.

last night, i went out with a handful of friends to celebrate our friend and our professor's respective birthdays. a great time was had by all, laughter and genuine love. i find those moments are few and far between, but when they happen --- magic! i've actually been lucky enough to have had a few of those in the past couple of weeks. the time spent with my high school orchestra conductor last weekend was time i will treasure for the rest of my life (she has a very special place in my heart, one of those teachers/people who really impacts one's life) working with my "kids" in opera studio is great as well. i try to bring a little levity to italiana, if that's at all possible. and tomorrow night, i'll be out on the town celebrating another birthday and i'm very excited. i don't really go out too much but i need it.

i came to the decision that come hell or high water, i am getting out of here, here meaning queens college, new york, whatever! i don't care if i have to take all four summer sessions, it is getting done. i don't know how i got to this memory, but i was thinking about my graduation recital and a conversation i had with my parents. they told me that right after i had finished, my teacher came up to them and said, "she can do whatever she wants in life. there's nothing she can't do." and i cried. at the time, i didn't realize people believed in me in quite that way. and when i got home today, i got a letter from ACSM in regards to the awards ceremony and the school of music graduation ceremony after commencement. it was a form letter, of course, but where it said "dear ms. mosley:" it was crossed out and my name was written over it. that was from my director. there are several graduates. mine was hand addressed and hand signed.

yeah.

so it's on. i'm not going to be depressed any more. i'm more determined than i ever was. and that's a pretty nice feeling. but along with all of that is the total exhaustion i'm feeling in regards to all of this extra work i'm doing but that's nothing new.

and speaking of the awards ceremony...once again, i can't attend. why? because i have a performance down the street. even though i love people telling me how awesome i am, i'm a musician 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i mean, isn't that what "bachelor of music in performance" means, anyway?

in other news, thank god for spring! it took long enough for it to get here. i was all alone in the office today so i did my work for prof. john and part of that was going to staples and kinko's (oh and i am never going to staples again) and i decided to walk back to work. on the way, i did a little reminiscing...i went to a certain haagen-dazs on 72nd and amsterdam and thought about plans i had made not too long ago. surprisingly enough, it made me smile. because luckily for me, i still have the brooklyn bridge, it's not going anywhere, and i may have the opportunity to cross over it yet.

it will allow you to see them with fresh, clear eyes.

2007-04-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

my goodness, world, so much is going on and i don't think i can touch on it all with any sort of accuracy or relevancy.

my thoughts on va tech? first, i thought of my friends who are at the university and those who are recent alumni. they are fine, much to my relief. but after that, where do you begin? so much emotion --- sadness, grief, confusion. i've tried not to think about it too much in the days passing because so many conflicts arise within me, maybe those should be discussed i don't know. but it causes so much upheaval...tis a strange place.

my personal life is not salvaging very well but i haven't come here to whine about it. i know what i have to do to get it together, so get it together i shall.

right now a very good friend of mine is dealing with a very difficult crisis and it is only becoming more and more complicated and it only makes me wonder...what is it about ourselves that allows us to put ourselves through such pain? every time we talk, i always tell her that i'm speaking from experience. i have gone through everything she is going through and how. you'd think we care about ourselves more. i don't know. i wish she'd see that this is only one singular moment in time, one that will not define her whole life. it took me a long time to come to that realization.

this time of year brings it out in people, i swear. i have a lot on my plate, that is certain. but when is that never true?

we are building ourselves a glass house.

2007-04-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

okay, i guess it's my turn to weigh in on this whole don imus controversy. i don't really feel it's necessary (as my opinion is a drop in a colossal bucket) but it's just i have to get it out or i may just explode. so here it goes.

when i originally heard his comments, my reaction was small if any. i didn't take it too seriously (i have known about imus and have listened to him off and on for years now --- thanks ms. newmark) i did think "oh, well that was unnecessary." but that was about it. i can definitely understand why the women of the lady scarlet knights would be offended and ask for an apology (or at least an explanation) and i felt that was owed to them. what did they do to deserve that? that have no impact on any sort of social commentary (they're not famous NBA athletes, etc. they're just women in college playing college ball) i hoped that it would be resolved in that way and let the powers that be determine the fate of the players involved.

but no, that was not to be. people in the african-american community felt it necessary to say a lot of things. and then the rock that rolled down the mountain went from a snowball to an avalanche. that's all i heard on TV and in the papers and all i could think about was "who are you to comment on this?", i mean honestly. if you're outraged by this man's comments, that is your right. if you want to do something about it, it is your right as well. people, however, were acting as if someone slapped their mother. just because you're offended doesn't mean that i have to be offended as well and that your opinion has to determine the fate of a man who hasn't done anything that, unfortunately, scores of people have not done and do on a daily basis (i.e., use the airwaves to say what could be considered by some/most as "hate speech", derogatory and plain stupid comments) we're making examples now of people who choose to be ignorant in their thought process? because it's more public than most?

and the thing that gets me the most was listening to the president of the nbc news department regarding the removal of the simulcast on msnbc. it was evident that he didn't want to do it. he caved under the pressure not only from activism but sponsorship withdrawal. and if the only reason he feels it's necessary to remove the show is for those reasons and not because he feels some moral obligation to do so (meaning msnbc does not represent these sentiments) then really, what are we doing? what is the point that's being made? don imus is not off of the air because he's being held accountable for his actions --- he's off the air because his actions (and the ridiculous response to those actions) have given his bosses no choice. now maybe that would be the impetus for others who speak in this way not to do so but somehow i doubt it. why? because i know who controls the media. and those people have nothing to fear.

the media response to this was intolerable. i do not care about john mccain's opinion or barack obama's opinion or anyone else for that matter. the only people i listened to were the women on this team and they astounded me with their level of understanding, dignity and composure. i have been told that now, they are receiving death threats due to imus' removal. they don't deserve any of this and the media has guaranteed that this incident will be a deep scar for the rest of their lives. everyone in the press owes them an apology as well.

the timing of this and the acquittal of the duke lacrosse players could not be more perfect. for those who don't live in north carolina, more so, the triangle area can not possibly understand how divisive this ordeal was. it played on the race relations that have served as a constant problem in my hometown. it was volatile. and these same people who demanded so much from don imus in the press, went to the press to condemn these young men. and it was the press and use of the press that blew this up WAY out of proportion (note: any rape case is serious but this sort of thing, unfortunately happens everywhere all the time --- it was due to the people involved, who they were, i.e. rich white boys of prestige and a young black woman, that started this whole nonsense) and no one's taking any sort of responsibility for that. my town deserves an apology. but no one will talk about that, will they?

as a young black woman, i do feel the comments were inexcusable. but my feelings don't mean a thing. only the feelings of the young women involved --- for them, this was personal. the "divisiveness" that exists in america is constantly being exploited by pundits and figures of power whether they know it or not. honestly, i don't feel that split is a real thing, or was a real thing. we all disagree on many issues. but if anyone wants to make it real, it's those in the media and i'm tired of it. do you're job, inform me. do not make this a bully pulpit where anyone can say what they wish and we as the american people have to pay for it in one way or another.

this goes out to all of the al sharptons, don imuses, and anyone else out there. take your bait somewhere else.

self-professed, profound//till the chips were down.

2007-04-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

today, i asked my friend charlie, along with others, if they ever have days where they feel like no matter how much they try, they can't get anything to work out and they feel like a failure at life. his response?

"um, you mean every day?"

at least that made me laugh. i'm just overwhelmed as usual with little things that scare the nonsense out of me. if i think about it now, i'll cry and i'd rather not do that so that's the end of that conversation.

i got a letter from hartt today telling me what i already knew --- that i didn't get a spot in the performance 20/20 program. it does help the decision i'm already making but trust me, i understand how hard it is for a sane person to turn down $15,000. and i'm far from sane.

i have a great urge to shout my feelings about certain things from the rooftops but alas, i have no roof. i don't even have a home. and it's eating away at me because, much to my and other's dismay, i have to vocalize everything. that's why i have all of these outlets, hoping someone will hear. hopefully, the right one. but then again, for those of you who've known me for the long haul know that this consistently gets me into trouble!

what can i say, i'm a glutton for punishment.

smiling faces, beautiful places

2007-04-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

this post serves two purposes:

1) i am amazed at how prophetic/foolish i can be. shortly after i wrote the previous post yesterday evening, i received word from my grandmother in new york that i had been accepted at the peabody institute at johns hopkins university. i was beyond emotional. i laid in my parents' bed and wept. i'm still in shock right now and i fear i will be every day until i get there.

that's right. despite the fact that i received no scholarship money, i will be attending school there in the fall. this is my dream. as i told my parents, my only goal in life is to do what i love. i never thought in a million years that it would become a reality. even typing this is difficult. amazing, but difficult.

these are signs to me that i am worthy of all that i've wished for and believed in and believed myself to be. you have no idea how hard that is for me to accept --- that i am worthy of such great things. all i know is the work i do. it is my life.

2) another thing in regards to my future:

this is one of the many pictures i took while i was in savannah this past week. this town is everything i imagined it to be. i asked my mother if she could envision me living there and she said of course. it is filled with history and beauty and of course, happy southern people. i felt nothing but warmth and pleasantness. i miss all of those things so desperately. it's really the only life i know. moving back to baltimore is a step in the right direction --- these are things in life that i feel are important. raising my kids in a town where they can run barefoot in the woods and teach my students on beautiful clear days.

who knew such dreams were possible?

for you i was a flame.

2007-04-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

i wanted to wait until tomorrow to write when i return to new york because i wanted to post my beautiful pictures but i suppose you wouldn't mind two entries back to back, eh? plus i have a lot to write about, it seems.

there's been so much in my mind bouncing around, i don't know where to start exactly. i went on vacation with my mother to hilton head island/savannah. it was great at first and then when we went to the library i checked my email only to see that i had received an email from julie at NYCO. to make a long story short, i'm pretty sure i'm about to lose my job. and i don't blame them if they fire me but after this was a sort of ripple effect. over my vacation, i became extremely depressed. moreso than any time recently. i mean here i was, sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean thinking about how i singlehandly, in one month's time, had lost what i thought was a friend, lost a boyfriend, lost a job and been rejected from two colleges. the key word is lost here because not only was to lose as a verb a factor but lost as an adjective very much plays a part. i feel lost. i'm so worried about graduating and where i'm going to go to school and making sure i take care of EVERYTHING that it kind of overwhelmed me. i had been putting all of those feelings off during cinderella but now i had nothing but time.

but that's not surprising.

and this is way too personal to be honest and i'm sure that none of you care. (this is NOT livejournal, imani) the point is, i went to a funeral yesterday of a childhood family friend and it kind of sobered me up a bit. i don't want people to say that i worried myself to death. i'm not ashamed to admit that i also thought about things that i don't want to think about but no worries. i love my life and i'm trying to make the best of it. who knew these past five years would turn me into such a crazy person?

on verrouilla le ciel [if one could bolt the sky]

2007-03-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

one small diatribe before i get on with the business of catching up: we are (or at least i am) musicians. part of our job as musicians is keeping our craft alive by performing new works. now granted, not all new works are going to be good. i think we as students of the western art music school are tricked into believing that all music that precede us is great music. wrong! there were plenty of mediocre and bad composers who wrote bad and mediocre music. thankfully, time has done what it always does and will continue to do so, in this generation and others. but we can't be the ones to decide by not performing works. so whatever you may think about a piece that you may be working on, keep it to yourself and understand the service you are doing.

i could go on about this but that would be getting into the personal and i don't want to do that. in other news, cinderella has taken over my life. but that's a beautiful thing, as it always is. go here to check out beautiful pictures from my ridiculous cast. but you can imagine how tired this would make, which it is.

i think spring makes people crazy. everyone is going out of their way to make other people's lives more problematic. i am trying to stay out of it as much as i can but god knows i have my own problems to deal with (more on that at iweepforwonder.livejournal.com --- if you care) and it's just more reassurance that i need to get out of here.

so everyone's getting rejections from grad schools, including myself. it's tiresome, no doubt but it's life. amazingly enough, i'm doing much better than others in similar situations. granted, i'm sure i have some sort of an edge given the instrument i play but you know it's doing as much harm as it is good. at this point, it's two out of four and you know what? that ain't so bad, kids.

...god opens a window.

2007-03-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

i hate that saying but i suppose sometimes it proves true. and trust me, that is not an easy thing for me to admit (i absolutely HATE being cliché) this weekend my romantic relationship ended after almost seven months and as sad as that is (just because of the simple fact that most if not all endings are sad) in the same night, something wonderful happened. i finally got in touch with another one of my so-called 'little sisters', who i hadn't seen or talked to in a couple of years. even more surprising was that she found me on the same night through another medium. but what tops it off is the news that she has a daughter.

she is my window. and it is calming and joyful, not to mention a pleasantly unexpected birthday present.

if you want me to talk more about how i feel about the breakup, well, sorry. and it's not just because i don't really have much to say. i've grown over the years and i have learned to temper myself in the things that i say and the way in which i say them. i think i've done a good job keeping the greater part of this relationship out of the public's purvey and i owe it to him to continue to do so. he's a good person. i'm not the kind of girl who would put him on blast, as it were. not unless he deserved it. :)

i feel like the world would be a much place if people would be as professional, mature and ready as i am. on the stage that is, but i won't get into that. that's why people hire me and not other people.

two days till the big 2-3. let's hope its something worth celebrating.

assume the (dance) position.

2007-03-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

insecurity can be a horrible thing. it can make you crazy. i criticize every move that i make because i'm insecure. i have always felt incapable of being loved so when i am in a relationship with someone, i get so paranoid trying to keep them. why am i paranoid? well i'm too crazy to be in a relationship, duh. and i hate these feelings because i'm so strong minded and strong willed. i think its because i'm trying to be the type of woman i think men want me to be when who i am is just fine.

this is why unlike other people i know (ahem) i can tolerate being single. its nervewracking being in a relationship, but its worth it.

putting someone's dirty laundry out on the street is also another terrible thing. so is lying to someone's face. but you know what, i've been all through that already and i have no desire to go through it again. let's just say that it is what it is (and i'm going down fighting)

aschenputtel, i mean, cendrillon, no, cenerentola...cinderella is going well and taking up all of my time. my dresses are amazing, i got new lines that are mad funny (funny because i say them) and i wonder if other people in the ensemble hate on me because everyone loves me. oh well. (repole gives me lines and confers with me, amanda tells me she trusts me and don't get me started on stephen...) this show has a long run and i don't know if i have it in me to do it without collapsing (especially how i have midterms coming up)

but all and all, i can't complain. i got fabulous news last night and i hope it keeps coming. one can only hope.

the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

2007-03-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

queens college is obsessed upon keeping me. but i won't let them.

i went to the political science and english departments and hit some road bumps, respectively. it looks like i will be taking political science over the summer to replace the class i took in spring 2005 with which i'm comfortable --- i will still walk at commencement and receive my diploma. however, english will not be quite as easy. the chair was not there and will not be in till tuesday. so what did i do? i went to my adviser. :) prof. schober was incredibly helpful and made me feel so much better. i sat in his office for about 30 minutes or so just discussing my situation. his solution? take his water gun to the registrar's office and attack them. i told him that i thought that might make things worse but that's just me.

i feel much more secure. all i have to do is corral prof. stone (god knows how hard that will be) and then all will be well. although, it's very funny that on the checklist the school gave me...oh wait, never mind. to be honest, if i get accepted to schools in the next couple of weeks, i may not go through the trouble of changing those FINs that i received that spring...we shall see.

it's difficult for me to think about, just like my incoming grad school letters (that everyone tells me i shouldn't worry about --- you'd think if enough people way the same thing, you'd change your mind but not me!) i can't help but be so utterly pessimistic. but that doesn't stop the drive. i trudge through the muck and mire, if you will, to get to my goal. the days just get harder.

ugh, i need ice cream.

out like a lamb.

2007-03-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

my first post for march, eh? time sure does fly.

march is and has always been an odd month for me. affectionately known as the month with no holidays, i commemorate a lot of things around this time. when i was in high school, this was always the busiest time for me by far. i'd be in a different city each weekend playing different concerts, always on the road. in a way, that much hasn't changed. i don't go quite as far but i'm still moving. and of course, the best part about march is my birthday. those who know me know that i'm a birthday nut. i think everyone should go crazy on their birthday and i've tried to live up to that. but since i turned eighteen it hasn't really been the case. i will spend this upcoming birthday in tech for cinderella, just like i've spent the last four birthdays in tech/performing for orpheus descending, hansel and gretel, and the pajama game.

but really i take time to reflect.

my best friend was killed days before my eighteenth birthday and i can not begin to explain how that has impacted my life. every year i've tried to honor her in some way, knowing that she would want me to go out and get my party on. i had to learn that she was so full of life --- to love her was/is to do the same.

so a lot is on my mind and on my plate. but honestly, when is that not the case? so to all of you who will be on spring break over the upcoming weeks, fuck you. but no, seriously --- enjoy it. i'm sure it will be cold and raining wherever you go. take lots of pictures and be sure to send a little birthday/vernal equinox love my way.

i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

2007-02-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

2007-02-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.

i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.

Meinem Groβeltern möchten der Fernsehen einschalten aus dasselbe Kanal.

2007-02-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

people who know me know that there are a few things that i am fiercely passionate about: the constitution, barbecue/pigs, chamber music...you get the idea. but one thing that i have a serious love for is the wind ensemble. you all may think that stupid of me but i've found myself on the defensive end especially moving to new york trying to convert people and make them see that, i don't know, it's an art form just like all the other types of classical music. i mean, you don't have to like it (by al means) but don't disrespect to my face the thing that has inspired my musical growth. i know that new york is all about the conservatory and symphonic music but my god, this is one of the most american art forms i can think of --- if anything, it has supported so many great american musicians/composers/conductors over the years. it's such an amazing vessel.

and the last thing i'll say is this: i can tell you the occasions upon which i have cried either playing or listening to a piece of classical music but i can NOT tell you how many times a wind ensemble piece has stirred my very soul. i have had moments.

i know it's been a while since i've written here. my life has been caught up around a lot of things and to be honest, i've just been too emotionally distraught to talk about things which is heady i know but that's how i get sometimes. but there have been little snippets of good here and there --- marc goldberg just emailed me about meeting him and having a lesson before my audition next week and i got notification in the mail from the registrar about filing for graduation. plus, when i told my boyfriend i needed a hug, he gave me a hug. can't get much better than that.

i don't know how the next couple of weeks are going to be, it's almost to the point of fearful but i can't psych myself out about it. who knew all of this would be so hard?

the most beautiful place on earth.

2007-01-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

i had an interview at new york city opera today. i went in through the stage door at the new york state theater (home of city opera and new york city ballet) but that's another story. i am often at lincoln center but every now and then i go stand at the fountain in the middle and go "damn, this place is amazing."

now it's not just because i'm a musician blah blah blah. the architecture there is simply gorgeous. and if you want to see it at its best, and presumably, new york at its best, go to the fountain during the summer in the mid afternoon. kids playing in the fountain, people running around and taking pictures, beautiful blue skies above...you can't beat it. now i do feel the same way about other fountains and other parks in the city, i.e. washington square park but go to lincoln center and you know, you just know. any time of the year, any time of day (oh, ESPECIALLY at night when the met is all lit up) it evokes a feeling of wonder and elegance that i think is really unmatched anywhere in the city.

but that might just be me. ;)

the splendor falls on castle walls

2007-01-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

i should not drink.

i have always known that one of these days, i would drink alone and slowly but surely become an alcoholic. it runs in the family. i don't drink as much as i used to because of the heart surgery. actually, i rarely drink at all but last night i was incredibly depressed and i have three bottles of wine in my refridgerator. now it's not like i went and got trashed or anything --- i sipped on a glass of wine but the thing is, i wasn't alone. throughout all of it, my boyfriend was reassuring me over the phone that all is well with me and that i have every reason to have a lot on my mind.

so tonight, i'm drinking water and ginger ale. i just finished practicing and have a healthy amount of trust and faith in myself. i'm a very lucky woman.

another man that i've welcomed into my life is tenor ian bostridge. as it often goes, i've found another thin pasty white boy with whom i can fall in love. now i have a bunch of recordings of his (right now i'm listening to Britten's Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings, op. 31 from his britten album (les illumnations, serenade for tenor, horn and strings, nocturnes) and i just got a recording of him singing schumann lieder) and the thing is, i watched a taping of a staged version of schubert's winterreise with him and it was then that i realized how small he is. he's a waif. puny with a schoolboy english accent. but his voice is amazing. you would never tell when you listen to him sing.

so there. i luff him. and i usually don't have a thing for singers. there's a disconnect with me for some reason that i'd rather not get into right now. but if anyone can get me a tape of that winterreise, i'll give you a cookie.

thank you for styling.

2007-01-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

now i may be a geek, to that i will testify but i am also a fashion icon in the making. (i will be the hottest musicology professor you will ever see) and since i've had my geeky posts on here, i figure i better balance out the scales. and what better way to do it than with the fashion from the golden globes.

let's get something straight here. i don't watch awards shows. why? because there are no awards for what i do. and i want shiny things. and to get dressed up. and it does nothing for my ego to see other people look all fancy, get things for free and get wasted on television.

but i do watch preshows because i have to see what everyone is wearing, see if i'm up with the times (or ahead as i sometimes am, living in new york city) and to see giant fashion disasters. so the golden globes...

helen mirren. my god, i have the biggest girl crush on her EVER. and she looked so amazing. i mean definitely not looking like anyone's grandma that i know. she was looking hot. and good for her on both of her wins (hbo's elizabeth I is captivating, i have watched it like a billion times, she is amazing and jeremy irons is so fine)

reese witherspoon, singleness becomes you (i understand that, girl). she lit up the red carpet with her straightened, breezy hair and yellow nina ricci gown. outstanding.

penelope cruz. i have nothing to say. if i could be salma hayek, i would and would propogate all sorts of rumors about us being lovers. this dress is beautiful and she never fails to astound. (that's right, chanel couture)

now all i'm hoping for is that someone, i don't know, like my boyfriend, will give me an opportunity to dress up and feel pretty. i mean, i act like a nerd all the time.

putting one foot forward

2007-01-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

now i'm switching back and forth between countdown with keith olbermann (which i usually catch at 8 but i was out having dinner) and sundance's iconoclasts, this episode dave chappelle and maya angelou which i had been dying to see and i listen to maya angelou say this one thing:

"don't pick it up and don't lay it down. when someone tells you 'you're the best, you're the greatest, you're the finest artist of your time. you say 'ah.' cause if you pick it up when they say that, you have to pick it up when they say, 'you lost it, you're worthless, you had it all.' don't pick it up, don't lay it down."

i think i've tried to live by something akin to that in my life. in this business of music, the ability to have an inflated ego (among other things) is not only prevalent, it's sometimes necessary. if you don't have the brash confidence in yourself to say, "yeah, i'm a bad mother fucker. i will get on stage and be the most amazing thing you've ever heard/seen." you won't get anywhere. and because of that, after years, it tends to stick. i've always believed that whatever talent i have (and the good sense to work at it and make it better) is god given (see LJ entry lift the body of christ with your spiritual gifts) and find myself being somewhat self-effacing in the process. but at the same time, i am also severly self-analytical and harsh.

so i think the attitude of not letting everything that people say determine where or who you are, well may be some what of an understatement but is true. i guess it's never been put quite so eloquently than this.

you're seriously blowing my mind right now.

2007-01-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

i have one word for you: iPhone.

it's like all of my dreams coming true --- sex, ponies, stardust and ice cream. now i am anxiously waiting the upload of the Macworld keynote address from yesterday on apple's website. i mean, i went to the website looking for the release date of leopard and instead this is what i find (what a happy surprise) so i signed up to get more information and all i can say is this --- as soon as it's released and i find out how much it is, i am switching from sprint to cingular and using all of my money to buy this phone. EDIT: it is $499 with a 2-year contract at cingular. i'll have to think about this, but i have till june. it's so so so tempting.

i suggest you all go and check out the specs here, it will blow your mind i guarantee it. (god, the nerdiness never ends, does it)

do you consider yourself a lucky person?

2007-01-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

"the more i see, the more i find reason for those who love this country to weep over its blindness." - alexander hamilton

i ran across this quotation while reading ron chernow's alexander hamilton and i was just struck but how incredibly apropos it is. this is by no means my trying to turn this blog into some sort of politically motivated force. my politics for the most part are my own. but as a historian-in-training (one who at one point in her life wanted to teach american history and study constitutional law --- and be secretary of state but that is another story!) i can't not mention these things. could there be anything worse then seeing your past mistakes and choosing to repeat them?

that was a rhetorical question. i don't honestly know the answer.

i think i'm sabotaging my grad school auditions. i'm so tired from last semester that i feel like i can muster no drive to do what i know i need to do. i'm about to practice right now (yes, at 1 in the morning as is my way) and this is the thing i've wanted more than anything in my life but it is a giant weight on my shoulders and i feel like the more i accomplish, the heavier it gets. like will it ever get lifted? i ask that a lot. but i know the answer. right now, i have to suck it up and fight through the pain as my indomitable 5 foot tall blonde wisp of a teacher would say. so i'm going to write this, put everything away and take a big bite into the mozart.

the woman i interviewed for was amazing. social dance among strangers. i can't find her website, but when i do, i'll put it up. you should all check it out. she probably won't hire me though cause i'm working short term. but i did apply for a job at the brooklyn philharmonic which is literally perfect for me. so maybe it'll all work out.

mrs. speaker, here's to you.

2007-01-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

two job interviews in two days, eh? that's a first, i think. it makes me feel good about the coming months --- i've never needed the money more than i do right now. and what's great is that they both put me around one of my first loves, dance. i feel more whole as an artist when i'm around dancers and when i dance myself. being a musician is great, it's my life but there's nothing like dancing.

at work yesterday, i had a scintillating conversation with one of my coworkers about social change. she and i are very similar in many respects. she's radical, a little more than me. i mean i am but its not so much on the surface. she claims i'm more liberal than i let on. that may be so, only time will tell. maybe it's the state of things, in the world and my life at this present moment.

speaking of, i'm in the middle of my sunday routine which consists of breakfast, reading the sunday paper (in this case, since i'm back in nyc, the new york times) and watching the chris matthews show, meet the press and the mclaughlin group back to back. they were just talking about saddam's execution; decency scale of 0 to 10. it's getting harder and harder for me to follow this routine each day but i feel it is my civic duty to do so.

you know, sundays have always been amazing days. i finally feel good after days of feeling horrible. that's a nice feeling, i will say. i miss my parents, though. and home, a lot. but then again, that's not something new.

i think we can call that exigent circumstances.

2007-01-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

had i gone into constitutional law like i had originially planned, i'd have a lot to do right about now.
(but that's for another day)

colleges are funny things. every school i've talked with has been more than gracious with me regarding applications (not that i've been that bad) yale has given me a week to get them a recording, n'western told me to just send in my application --- i'm not so disheartened (and trust me, i've lost my share of sleep over this) i mean this is the moment, you know?

colleges also cost a lot of freaking money. i'm going back to new york without money which was so not my plan. i kind of forgot that it would cost $72 to get old grades. yeah.

and by the way, what is a world memory champion anyway?!

your trip hasn't been very computer-friendly, has it?

2007-01-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

there are upsides to having OCD. okay, maybe not. but one of my most harmless and most fun obsessions are organizational things through the way of technology. school does not start for another month and yet, i'm up till 3 in the morning finding new things to put on my baby (PowerBook G4 Mac OS X Tiger 10.4.8 1.5 GHz PowerPC G4 512 MB) to make learning easy.

so a couple of the new faves:
Schoolhouse: an assignment manager with GPA calculator and customizable charts with a beautiful interface (i'm all about a beautiful interface)

gDisk: this has so much potential (for some reason, i can't figure parts of it out) but if you have a gmail account you can use it as a hard drive and store files there. for someone who uses multiple computers that are not mine (that's right, work computer and ACSM media lab --- i'm talking to you), it's great.

there are others, but i'm not going to bore you. onto the screenshots!
here's the dirty:[theme: "somatic by david lanham; programs on screen: Finder, MacFun Sudoku widget, Adium; dock (from l to r): finder, dashboard, system pref, stattoo, mail, adium, firefox, gDisk, iTunes, quicktime, VLC, acquisition, iCal, schoolhouse, microsoft word, journler, appzapper, snap n' drag, preview; menubar (from l to r): virtuedesktops, adium, weatherdock2, growltunes, menuet, growl, quicksilver, bluetooth]

and the clean:
[desktop picture: lacoste stripes by black diamond studio]

well that's my nerdy post for the day. i'm sure there will be more. ;)

well, they want to cut through the riff-raff.

2007-01-02T20:50:00.001-08:00

i am scared to death of this whole grad school thing. and it is manifesting through bad practicing. and so i freaked out and for a quick second i said to myself, "self, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" cause i'm not good enough to get my master's.

but i stopped and put the bassoon down for a moment. i realized i hadn't brought any of my etude books home but i knew a place to get at least the milde etudes. i said this is what i need to do --- go back to basics, play etudes, make your hands feel good and then go back to the music. it's already there (my recital is proof of that). i think i just got freaked when i got that email from yale this morning. those things will do that.

but i'm good at what i do. and i have ways of reassuring myself.

on a side note, i'm wondering when my suspicions will prove correct. i hope they don't but i know better. plus, that's what i want anyway, right? right. my obsession with the human condition is going to get the better of me one day. today might even be it, we'll never know.

we're going to the chapel.

2007-01-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

i hate talking about relationships in general, it wears me out but it seems that's going to be today's theme. i spent new years' with two of my closest friends. i can't wait till they get married. they love each other but not only that, they are grounded in reality. if there was ever to be a relationship that would succeed, it's them. they talked to me about marriage (no sleeping on the futon until then...) and kids (recessive genes, eye color...) and it just seemed so natural. they are totally the antithesis of all our friends that are of a particular (and strongly southern) mentality who have graduated from college and immediately got married. it's a nice change of pace.

today i found out that my friend's boyfriend bought an engagement ring. i didn't know how i was supposed to react because this is the complete opposite of grounded in reality. i love her, they are a great couple, i wish them luck. they'll be fine but i've been down this road --- i want them to avoid any unnecessary problems.

then there's me. well i won't be getting married any time soon, it seems. i would like this relationship to be that kind of serious but i don't think it can. and i'm okay with that if that ends up being the case. i've always been the big mama cat lady, anyway. plus, i had my little marriage fling and it was fun while it lasted. that was enough to last me a while --- i've finally got the taste out of my mouth.

you can go stay with imani, now.

2006-12-31T10:45:00.000-08:00

this is our dog, bandit, after taking a bath. he's a shih tzu, very cute (much to my dismay --- helps him get into all sorts of trouble)

there was no real reason behind this post. just one of those things i like talking about when i'm home. i don't have a dog in new york and if i did, i wouldn't get pictures like this. so i savor it and feel the need to share. i mean every now and then, i miss certain things about nyc but then i lay in my queen-sized bed with my puppy in my lap looking out the window at the woods and i forget all of those things and am just glad i'm home.

like the song says: "my heart will always be in carolina."

they were dancing around his body.

2006-12-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

today is a day of anamoles.

within fifteen minutes of watching msnbc, i saw the solemn services for fmr. president gerald ford, the uplifting homegoing services for james brown and the grave accounts of the execution of saddam hussein. and i suppose that i'm supposed to feel different about all three; me as an american, historian, musician, black woman and human being. but somehow, i don't know if i can. i don't know if that's right. by all means, i acknowledge the impact they have had on our lives, for the positive or negative, but in the end, death is the equalizer. who they were as men is now left up to history.

maybe this is why i shouldn't watch 24-hour news channels when i'm on vacation.

...goodwill towards men.

2006-12-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

completely off topic --- as i was typing the previous entry, i turned to cnn to hear about saddam hussein's execution. they are waiting for pictures and video. there is now celebratory gunfire in baghdad as it approaches 7 am. and i wonder, was it all worth it? because i feel empty, almost hardened by it. i'm not sure exactly what it accomplishes. it's like that moment in the miniseries band of brothers, when they find out that hitler has killed himself. it brings no lasting pleasure when a man like that dies. for me, it's a reminder of what we as humans will allow. somehow, in some way, these people gain power and the control to change millions of lives. and now we are being asked to put our support behind a war that was too little, too late. we, meaning the people who unfortunately run our governments, let these things occur for whatever reason. and it is only now that the people who really matter, you and i, have to do our civic duty to never let these things happen again. and i would like to have hope. but people like hussein only make me wonder.

for those people whose lives were affected by this madman, you are justified in your feelings. no one can take those things away from you. as an outsider, i don't know what i'm expected to feel but i don't think it's this.