can't you just come back for a couple of weeks?

just a quick little post to whittle away my last half hour at work.

i called the boss lady at work today. she and martha were very happy to hear from me. apparently, it's swamped in the office and they have no one to replace me (which saddens me, of course) they asked me how i was doing and if i had settled in. it was nice to hear their voices. lisa was like "i can't even imagine starting a new year without you...i need someone that i can, like, do stuff with." that job was a very important part of my life for almost four years. they became my family and that's not something that's easy to give up. i can't wait till i go back and see them. just watch, everything will have changed.

i really wish i could explain to others, and to myself, why i love my home state so much. it's something so uniquely american, i feel. i've just been mad digging on n.c. the past couple of weeks. going to obx inspired me, i think. that and when i invited all of my friends list to join "race for the states - north carolina" that they did! and after app state beat michigan, i felt like it was freaking christmas (i'm still talking about it and it was saturday) i don't know. no place beats home, anyone's home and that's a big part but i'll be damned --- i've been to a lot of places and none of them are as beautiful as north carolina.

just one moment, good people.

one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.

okay, on to the rant.

so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.

but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?

so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.

see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?

no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.

okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.

but an unconstant lover is worse than any thief.

is it possible for a song to make you feel in love?

new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.

with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.

but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.




(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)

this gives me faith for the future.

talk about an extra-musical experience.

i have to write about this because it gripped me so fiercely. the preparatory school where i work gave a chamber music concert with all of the chamber groups. i was in a group and we played mendelssohn. it went very well, i'm proud of them. me, however, could have been better but that's neither here nor there. the last group played shostakovich's string quartet no. 8 and it was mindblowing. these are high schoolers, on the young side and the ferocity and energy with which they played was infectious. now i must mention that i take on all of these kids as my own (which makes this even more fantastic) and hearing them play filled me with such pride. not just them but all of the groups that performed today. like i told one of my co-workers, it makes me happy about my chosen profession.

so yes, my kids are amazing. and shostakovich is fucking metal. and nothing in the world could make me happier.