let's both go outside and play

i'm not sure if this post will be two-fold, we'll see as i get into it. the personal, first.

as a very good friend and wise woman told me, today, actually, sometimes you need to have time to be wild. i couldn't agree more. these past three weeks have allowed me to connect with my inner club kid/amazon woman/sex goddess/barfly and it's been amazing. even with all of the downs (my stuff being stolen/lost/whatever you want to call it) i wouldn't trade it for anything. the moments were just too precious. but there is one thing that has come out of this that's changed my outlook on everything, most specifically, my own self-esteem.

my father told me once that the reason why guys don't hit on me in clubs/bars is because i frighten men. that might be partly true and i'm willing to concede that but i don't want that to be the case. so i went to NYC to shed that visage. and boy, did i. for the first time in many years, i've felt free and unattached. i told myself to loosen up and let whatever was going to happen, happen. so i danced with many a man, some nice and sweet, others scary as shit but i enjoyed myself and danced like i meant it. and then i met a fabulous guy who caught my eye immediately. we hit it off and i ended up spending the rest of the night with him. that night has now turned into us talking and seeing each other over the past two weeks. it's not anything at all, which my previous self is having a little trouble with but my new self is absolutely relishing and i'm enjoying it to the best of my ability. could it be something in the future? maybe, but even if i never speak to him again, i've now come to believe that i am an attractive young woman with things to offer to people other then my usual musician-boyfriend fare. i can't tell you how thankful i am (to him) for that, it has changed me completely.

well at this point, i've decided that this will not be a two-part post. the personal stuff takes enough out of me. but the next post is about...WAGNER. yeah you'll want to read it, i promise. (it's really about michael jackson but good old richard shows his face) till next time...

toccata, mazurka, prelude and fugue

summers are usually the bane of my existence. i have nothing to do and my brain rots. i get really fat (or really thin, depending) and spend most of my nights in bed, mostly naked, sweating and wide awake from unshakeable and insufferable heat. this summer, not so much?

i spent my first week back in baltimore after my vacation at home searching for roommates and jobs, eating out (and drinking) with friends and playing the stravinsky octet (?) much to my surprise. maybe a fluke? doesn't seem that way. i now have a full time job at a realty/property management company in charles village where i spend my days answering phones, filing and being all around awesome (remember, my days are usually spent with me...sleeping) and my nights are spent cooking dinner with friends, going to concerts (earlier this week Hilary Hahn with the BSO (premiering Jenifer Higdon's new concerto) and last night Fleetwood Mac!) and studying.

did i mention studying? cause i'm doing a LOT of that. i have six books and one score checked out from friedheim, all books by professors with whom i'm looking to study at various Ph.D. programs. the score...the score is for my thesis.

[side note: there was a category on jeopardy! last night ENTIRELY ABOUT BRITTEN?! amazing.]

the score is for my thesis on which i am doing research as we speak. not impressive research but research nonetheless. i'm also reading doctor faustus for my thomas mann class in the fall, doing work in my italian workbook (with a little bit of german?), now i have the new task of updating the IDRS website with new bassoon theses/dissertations and practicing. lots and lots of practicing. i'm playing the Hindemith sonata in a week and a half, i have excerpts to prepare, baroque bassoon and a now possibly extended european tour. (that's right...iceland has now turned into iceland, austria, italy, france and the UK)

whew.

just typing that is exhausting. and typing that helps me to realize just how much i have to do in such a short time. but guess what folks? this makes me happy. the only thing is i won't be able to work out quite as much as i did last summer. but you know what, it's okay because this weekend, i'm going back to NYC to see the ny phil do the war requiem and then party at webster hall.

i think i might like summer after all.

i will lift up my voice to the lord

one of the jobs of great art is to make us uncomfortable.

uncomfortable in the sense that it causes internal conflict, makes us rethink how we look at everything, questions our very being. you're supposed to come out of the other side, challenged, maybe even experiencing a catharsis, in the sense of a resolution. and it's an unmistakable feeling. this past sunday, i attended the performance of Bernstein's MASS at the Kennedy Center with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (the importance was not lost on me that the piece was written for the inauguration of that very hall) and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable. the work is not new to me but listening to the recording and seeing it live is like comparing apples to giraffes. the dramatic elements, i found, at times, spellbinding. and in the Celebrant's bel canto style mad scene, i felt the anguish to the point of fear. it was a feeling that i have not felt in quite some time. i left feeling differently about the piece (and myself), more so than i could have imagined.

now is the MASS a great work of art? that is not really for me to say. it is so underperformed and still, to this day, so controversial on so many levels that i don't know if it would ever have a chance to be considered as such. but i must thank the BSO and Maestra Alsop (and of course, Lenny, himself) for giving me something to think about. it has been a while.

post-script: i have not stopped listening to "A Simple Song" since. i think it is too beautiful. listen here
post-post-script: i just saw in my RSS reader that Charles Neidich is playing Quartet for the End of Time at Merkin Hall tomorrow. it's one of those moments that i miss NYC. as much time as i spent working with Neidich, i barely got to see him perform 20th century music.

it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

let golden sleep charm your star-brighter eyes.

ignore the time. i have an absolutely valid reason for being awake at this time. i'm about to get on a plane leaving for home (about meaning an hour and a half) and this is usual fare for me so it's all good. moving on.

completing a task is amazing. everything with queens college is finally squared away and i feel like i can leave with no worries or concerns. of course, there's always my paranoia that i didn't cross some t or dot some i but that's not happening. there's too much at stake. but it's nice to feel like you've accomplished something. on a distant yet related topic, i kind of feel bad when people in new york say, "well you'll be back to visit." they haven't known me for very long. i have no reason to come back so why would i? people say family. i pretty much have no desire to visit my family now or at any time in the future. and i rarely go out of the way to visit friends. didn't people see me tying up loose ends? (like take the fact that i asked my ex to lunch, he wasn't in town but he told me to call him when i came back to visit. i laughed for the sole reason that me coming back was not happening) i can count on one hand hand the people i have gone to visit while in college and two of those people live in north carolina. it's nothing personal, i just know how i am. and i love the people here greatly and i will be back...eventually. but it's nothing personal. and why does no one ever visit me? (well that's not true. those same people who i went to visit have all stayed with me in new york) if they want to see me so bad, they can get on the train for three hours and see me in baltimore. their call.

is it bad to love the line "hath eased you and pleased you"? it's more like eeeeeeased you and pleeeeeeeased you. it makes me think terrible thoughts. thanks, peter warlock. and i've said it once, but i'll say it again. ian bostridge's the english songbook is one of the best albums i own. it's a "listen all the way through" album. it'll go on my list with stevie nicks' bella donna and a whole bunch of albums to which i can listen to every track. brilliant.

and on an even more distant topic, i just heard a cover of pink's get this party started by shirley bassey. and i dare say, it might just be the most genius thing i've ever heard.

zueignung

i realized something the other day as i was watching the english national ballet perform at wembeley stadium in the concert for diana: i could imagine people in the audience being annoyed at the fact that they had to watch ballet (maybe emasculating?) and as i was watching it, i was like, "boring. i've seen swan lake a BILLION times, you've got to be kidding me." me, the ballet enthusiast/lover/participant. then it came to me. everyone who thinks the arts are girly/pansy/boring/hoity-toity have never been to a rehearsal. if everyone could see the way we as artists rehearse, they would see things differently. they'd see things the way i see them.

rehearsals are rough.

there is a lot of sweating, cursing, pencil-erasing, yelling, laughing, etc. i think every dance rehearsal i've come back from, i've lost my nerve and hurt something/bled. every choral rehearsal i've ever had i've come back with some sort of hope for the future or utter disdain (depending on the choir) and every chamber music rehearsal, well, a lot of yelling takes place. and that's just the shit i do. go to an english national ballet rehearsal and see how hard they work. realize that every woman in there is made of lean muscle and could kick your ass if need be. do you think you could handle the gaggle of tyrannical conductors and their non-stop abuse? (and oh yeah, playing music is very physical. that's a whole different story) we rehearse for hours, late into the night with very little stopping. and there are not tuxes or fancy costumes. it's sweats, beat up jazz and pointe shoes and reading glasses. music in hand, pencils in hair, standing next to the barre, it's on.

maybe if that's what we as a whole saw, the intensity, emotion, work and sheer force, opinions would change. whether that matters or not is another story.

and msnbc has just announced that beverly sills has passed away. it was just the other day that i found out that she was sick. not only was she an amazing talent, she was a powerhouse on the new york arts scene. she will be missed. and fuck you msnbc for butchering her name. check your shit.

there's a red moon out tonight low on the horizon. sad night here in the city.

the floor lay paved with broken hearts

you know, apple, i'm really not happy with you right now. yes, the iPhone came out today, we are all aware. but playing the commercials every 30 seconds does not make me any more able to buy it than before. but that's not even why i'm angry. i'm angry because my notebook adapter just shorted out and the replacement costs $80! i'm tired of giving you my money on replacement stuff. thank god there are non apple brands for this sort of thing so i'm buying one that's more than half of yours. if stuff like this keeps adding up...

oh yeah, another thing. itunes store? don't offer only some of the tracks from an album and not all. i went to buy the tracks i was missing from britten's the turn of the screw and i was missing the last track from disc one, the one i had been LONGING to get (oh ian bostridge, even the reviews talk about how seductive you are --- even if in this case it's a thinly veiled description of someone's homosexual overtures towards boys wrapped up in james' guise of evil from beyond the grave) and i have to buy the whole album to get that track. are you kidding me? i'm on the fence about all of this.

moving away from the corporate, i've been talking a lot to people about (them) moving out of new york. too many blackouts. not enough trees. it does me good, partly because i think i'm ready to go. i think as you become an adult, the more stability you crave. i refuse to believe that new york can ever be stable. and that's not a bad thing, just my opinion. good thing north carolina is always waiting for me.

and yes, there are other reasons to leave new york. i'm reminded of this every single day. i went out to the island last night and had an encounter with a beautiful man. of course that did not come to fruition in any way imaginable. it just wasn't possible. i was in bay shore and i wasn't white, blonde and wearing a skirt. i wasn't meant to be.

okay, i should shut off my computer before it completely dies on me.

Dann sternlose Nacht, sei willkommen.

oh, there's so much i've wanted to say over the past three days or so i don't even know where to begin. let's see if i can put this into some kind of coherent order.

yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.

continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.

friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.

the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?

i've grown tired of [t]his puppyhood.

well it's day three of the institute and things have made a turn for the better. i really like my group --- the three high school boys are really great and cute, you know, eager. and lauren, the flautist is a riot. great flute player. i'm really starting to sink into my role as "assistant" and my ego is definitely more in check...

"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."

cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.

today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.

i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)

okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!

did you say that i was nice? and studious? and pretty!

i have to get over the fact that we all have to and want our egos to be stroked. it's subconscious, i think. me being a musician makes it even worse and i don't know how to feel. maybe i should just acknowledge it and move on and have that be the best thing. it's really not as serious as it sounds, folks! i started the NYU summer institute for wind quintet and chamber music today. i've been doing it for the past four years and i've loved it. i was especially happy to do it this time considering this is the last time i will be able to...i get to spend time with great musicians and of course my wonderful teacher and her equally wonderful quintet. we were placed in our quintets and the piece my quintet is working on is one of the danzi quintets. and what do i do? i get upset (internally) because someone else is playing the ligeti and the francaix blah blah blah. i know how silly it was of me to get that way. i was asked to play not just because they needed a bassoonist but because they know me and my chamber music experience. i'm playing in a group that doesn't have as much experience and i'm there to help them out which i LOVE. but no, all of that got lost in my ego. well after a nice ride on the train, i think i set my self straight. i thought about how great i felt after working with my mendelssohn trio and then i just realized i was being silly. and the worst part is, i know it's from insecurity. the fact that i'm always trying to prove myself. "yeah, i can play that music, too." i don't know why its still in me. i know how good i am. people respect me. old habits die hard, i guess.

on the happier side of things, the institute is going to be great. my friend sam is there along with some other people i know. everyone there seems really excited. i hate that i'm going to be so separated from them due to summer school but i'll do what i can. and of course, laura never lets me down. i love her and i'm not ready to leave her! i hope to have a great experience, i really do. i know i can be off-putting (shock of shocks) but i'm here to learn like everyone else.

ugh, could i get any more sappy/motivational poster-ish?

wow, now that i've vented all of that, i feel like i don't have anything else to say. i think there will be more as the week progresses...that and an update from the q (marvin hamlisch) gala, make music new york and the close of the new york phil season: mahler 9, deborah voight conducted by maazel. oh yeah. happy father's day!

but an unconstant lover is worse than any thief.

is it possible for a song to make you feel in love?

new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.

with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.

but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.




(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)

your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.

this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.

but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.

right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.


i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.

the most beautiful place on earth.

i had an interview at new york city opera today. i went in through the stage door at the new york state theater (home of city opera and new york city ballet) but that's another story. i am often at lincoln center but every now and then i go stand at the fountain in the middle and go "damn, this place is amazing."

now it's not just because i'm a musician blah blah blah. the architecture there is simply gorgeous. and if you want to see it at its best, and presumably, new york at its best, go to the fountain during the summer in the mid afternoon. kids playing in the fountain, people running around and taking pictures, beautiful blue skies above...you can't beat it. now i do feel the same way about other fountains and other parks in the city, i.e. washington square park but go to lincoln center and you know, you just know. any time of the year, any time of day (oh, ESPECIALLY at night when the met is all lit up) it evokes a feeling of wonder and elegance that i think is really unmatched anywhere in the city.

but that might just be me. ;)

do you consider yourself a lucky person?

"the more i see, the more i find reason for those who love this country to weep over its blindness." - alexander hamilton

i ran across this quotation while reading ron chernow's alexander hamilton and i was just struck but how incredibly apropos it is. this is by no means my trying to turn this blog into some sort of politically motivated force. my politics for the most part are my own. but as a historian-in-training (one who at one point in her life wanted to teach american history and study constitutional law --- and be secretary of state but that is another story!) i can't not mention these things. could there be anything worse then seeing your past mistakes and choosing to repeat them?

that was a rhetorical question. i don't honestly know the answer.

i think i'm sabotaging my grad school auditions. i'm so tired from last semester that i feel like i can muster no drive to do what i know i need to do. i'm about to practice right now (yes, at 1 in the morning as is my way) and this is the thing i've wanted more than anything in my life but it is a giant weight on my shoulders and i feel like the more i accomplish, the heavier it gets. like will it ever get lifted? i ask that a lot. but i know the answer. right now, i have to suck it up and fight through the pain as my indomitable 5 foot tall blonde wisp of a teacher would say. so i'm going to write this, put everything away and take a big bite into the mozart.

the woman i interviewed for was amazing. social dance among strangers. i can't find her website, but when i do, i'll put it up. you should all check it out. she probably won't hire me though cause i'm working short term. but i did apply for a job at the brooklyn philharmonic which is literally perfect for me. so maybe it'll all work out.

i think we can call that exigent circumstances.

had i gone into constitutional law like i had originially planned, i'd have a lot to do right about now.
(but that's for another day)

colleges are funny things. every school i've talked with has been more than gracious with me regarding applications (not that i've been that bad) yale has given me a week to get them a recording, n'western told me to just send in my application --- i'm not so disheartened (and trust me, i've lost my share of sleep over this) i mean this is the moment, you know?

colleges also cost a lot of freaking money. i'm going back to new york without money which was so not my plan. i kind of forgot that it would cost $72 to get old grades. yeah.

and by the way, what is a world memory champion anyway?!

peace on earth...

this is the christmas tree at rockerfeller center. i was there on christmas eve. it was hard for me to be in the christmas spirit at this particular moment (not that i'm a scrooge or anything like that --- far from it) because i was carrying my bassoon on my back and the streets were closed off due to the ridiculous amount of people around. but i stopped and took a picture of it for a few reasons.

it really is a sight. at that moment, i realized that in all my time living in new york (now and as a kid) i had never come to see it. it felt odd being there because it was when i saw it that i noticed that i was there. i stumbled upon it. it was like i had no idea as to where my feet were taking me. and it is vast and huge --- not really the best looking tree, the epitome of trees, one would say but it is massive. but the big thing was i felt all alone right then, as if i wasn't surrounded by the thousands of people that were milling about on the streets. it was just me and the tree. but the tree acts as something bigger, obviously. and so, in a very unbecoming manner for a new yorker, i stopped and took this picture.