i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.