it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.

"i rarely apologize because i seldom make any mistakes."

just a few random things seeing as how there's not much going on in my life (except getting a job :) and looking for a new place to live) and i have no real social commentary:

well for starters, i think i just ruptured my eardrum, or am about to. when i was 18, my eardrum ruptured in my sleep and i woke up in the morning covered in blood. i had irreversible hearing loss. yeah, that sucked. (sorry, i told you this was random) no matter how often i drive/walk around, i will never get over how awesome it is to be in raleigh where everyone says "hi". some people may not understand just how valuable that is but i like being able to talk to be on the street or that when i call up my pharmacy, go to the bank or order food, the person on the other side calls me "baby" or "darling" in the way only a southerner can (all three of those things happened to me today) why anyone would ever want to leave that is beyond me.

i love going through my library and discovering new things. right now i'm listening to bernstein's MASS and i hadn't really listened to it after i had gotten it. and of course, i totally love it. listening to the responsory, i could just imagine doing this with the jazz vocal ensemble at app or a handful of people from v/e. but i can't start thinking about v/e and all of the wonderful things i could do with them cause i'll get really sad (damn you hamish maccunn part songs!) and i've been listening to britten's the turn of the screw like a fiend. i mean how powerful is the line "the ceremony of innocence is drowned". holy moly. and all of this after listening to hours of handel today (i watched rodelinda on ovation which was four hours long, fell asleep during the last fifteen minutes and didn't find out what happened so i had to watch it all over again) that's a lot of music.

well like i mentioned above, i got a job working at peabody as a lab assistant. not much but it pays the bills. and next week, i'll be going up to baltimore to find a place to live. so then i'll have something interestant to write about, i hope.

well, i don't envy you at all.

it is very difficult to explain to someone why you would choose a school whose tuition is $45,000 with no scholarship than one who gave you 90% of your expected tuition. it's even harder to hear it come out of your own mouth and make the justification. but i did it and as much as i sometimes agonize over my decisions, i know that they are the right ones. i have the support of my parents (which means more to me than just about anything else), my teacher and all of my friends.

i gave up a teaching position, relative financial stability and a virtually easy degree program to take a risk. so many people have told me that it's only the risk takers that truly achieve great success. i am willing to lose everything to gain everything. but god damn, if that's not the scariest thing in the world. some people may think that this is not really a risk but the smartest decision i could make. well, that might be true but the thing is, i don't know what's going to come on the other side of this. and giving up your stability and letting go of your comfort zone. that's a fucking big risk.

but hey, i'm a fighter.

oh come now, so much modesty.

this morning while i was eating breakfast, i watched a very interesting episode of babar.

yes, babar, the show about the elephants.

anyway, babar was telling his son a story about when he was a young king and how the great leopold, "the greatest pianist of our generation" was coming to celesteville. well babar was going to give a speech but was so transfixed by a piece that the old lady was playing and decided that, not only did he want to learn how to play the piano and that song, but that he was going to welcome the great leopold with a concert. (and yes, they get around the fact that he's an elephant and doesn't have fingers) now he has four weeks to do this and he gives up all of his spare time to practice. of course, that plan goes awry (and one who was a kid and had to practice will attest to that) and at the end of the four weeks and after countless nightmares, is not able to perform the piece. but with the old lady's help, he plays the only piece he knows how, "baa baa black sheep", which just happens to be a similar theme in haydn's surprise symphony, one of the great leopold's favorite pieces.

now the theme of this story is to take on tasks you are prepared to handle, but of course i saw it as an ode to practicing, or lack thereof. i mean, how do you teach a child (or anyone for that matter) to practice? it's hard. it took me a very long time to understand really how to practice and now i love to do it because i've seen the results. but i remember being 12 and not really having the best experience. there was a moment in the show where all of the notes blurred together and babar sort of had sheet music tunnel vision. i laughed cause that still happens to me. you practice for more than two hours and its 2:05 in the morning and you sort of lose your grip on reality and your own sanity.

but it made me laugh and i need laughs nowadays. babar was always a great show.

let golden sleep charm your star-brighter eyes.

ignore the time. i have an absolutely valid reason for being awake at this time. i'm about to get on a plane leaving for home (about meaning an hour and a half) and this is usual fare for me so it's all good. moving on.

completing a task is amazing. everything with queens college is finally squared away and i feel like i can leave with no worries or concerns. of course, there's always my paranoia that i didn't cross some t or dot some i but that's not happening. there's too much at stake. but it's nice to feel like you've accomplished something. on a distant yet related topic, i kind of feel bad when people in new york say, "well you'll be back to visit." they haven't known me for very long. i have no reason to come back so why would i? people say family. i pretty much have no desire to visit my family now or at any time in the future. and i rarely go out of the way to visit friends. didn't people see me tying up loose ends? (like take the fact that i asked my ex to lunch, he wasn't in town but he told me to call him when i came back to visit. i laughed for the sole reason that me coming back was not happening) i can count on one hand hand the people i have gone to visit while in college and two of those people live in north carolina. it's nothing personal, i just know how i am. and i love the people here greatly and i will be back...eventually. but it's nothing personal. and why does no one ever visit me? (well that's not true. those same people who i went to visit have all stayed with me in new york) if they want to see me so bad, they can get on the train for three hours and see me in baltimore. their call.

is it bad to love the line "hath eased you and pleased you"? it's more like eeeeeeased you and pleeeeeeeased you. it makes me think terrible thoughts. thanks, peter warlock. and i've said it once, but i'll say it again. ian bostridge's the english songbook is one of the best albums i own. it's a "listen all the way through" album. it'll go on my list with stevie nicks' bella donna and a whole bunch of albums to which i can listen to every track. brilliant.

and on an even more distant topic, i just heard a cover of pink's get this party started by shirley bassey. and i dare say, it might just be the most genius thing i've ever heard.

north carolina yields to south carolina?

happy fourth of july, mes amis américains! it's been a pretty low-key holiday for me considering my history but it was rainy here in new york so i wasn't really inspired to go out. so instead, i stayed in watching all thirteen episodes of the revolution on the history channel and the inevitable law and order marathon. 'twas a beautiful thing. but it hasn't been all fun and games. a lot of thinking being done. in a state of half-consciousness, listening to the history channel, i dreamt up my subconscious thoughts about america and this war and all of this nonsense. it went back to the beginning of the declaration of independence, of course. this work in progress that we call america is such a grand and valued experiment, necessary. it is not our place to toy with the power we've accrued over the past centuries. we are to grow and to never think that we've achieved some sort of invincibility. we are rebels, independent thinkers, brave and full of reason. let that continue to be our legacy. not...not this.

i'm sitting here watching one of my favorite musicals ever, 1776 and i had failed to realize till now just how relevant a piece of art it is. just listen to cool, considerate men and you can see just how eerie it is. at times this was always a hard musical for me to watch, especially when rutledge sings his aria about slavery. but nonetheless, it is compelling and moving. go watch it, everyone.

but that's enough of that for one day.

i hope you all had your fill of barbecue, fireworks and other flammable goodies, good music and whatever it is that you drink on these holidays. i'll save my standard forms of celebration for another day when i have the opportunity. did i mention that this is my favorite holiday? oh yeah.

zueignung

i realized something the other day as i was watching the english national ballet perform at wembeley stadium in the concert for diana: i could imagine people in the audience being annoyed at the fact that they had to watch ballet (maybe emasculating?) and as i was watching it, i was like, "boring. i've seen swan lake a BILLION times, you've got to be kidding me." me, the ballet enthusiast/lover/participant. then it came to me. everyone who thinks the arts are girly/pansy/boring/hoity-toity have never been to a rehearsal. if everyone could see the way we as artists rehearse, they would see things differently. they'd see things the way i see them.

rehearsals are rough.

there is a lot of sweating, cursing, pencil-erasing, yelling, laughing, etc. i think every dance rehearsal i've come back from, i've lost my nerve and hurt something/bled. every choral rehearsal i've ever had i've come back with some sort of hope for the future or utter disdain (depending on the choir) and every chamber music rehearsal, well, a lot of yelling takes place. and that's just the shit i do. go to an english national ballet rehearsal and see how hard they work. realize that every woman in there is made of lean muscle and could kick your ass if need be. do you think you could handle the gaggle of tyrannical conductors and their non-stop abuse? (and oh yeah, playing music is very physical. that's a whole different story) we rehearse for hours, late into the night with very little stopping. and there are not tuxes or fancy costumes. it's sweats, beat up jazz and pointe shoes and reading glasses. music in hand, pencils in hair, standing next to the barre, it's on.

maybe if that's what we as a whole saw, the intensity, emotion, work and sheer force, opinions would change. whether that matters or not is another story.

and msnbc has just announced that beverly sills has passed away. it was just the other day that i found out that she was sick. not only was she an amazing talent, she was a powerhouse on the new york arts scene. she will be missed. and fuck you msnbc for butchering her name. check your shit.

there's a red moon out tonight low on the horizon. sad night here in the city.