Sunday, December 31, 2006

you can go stay with imani, now.

this is our dog, bandit, after taking a bath. he's a shih tzu, very cute (much to my dismay --- helps him get into all sorts of trouble)

there was no real reason behind this post. just one of those things i like talking about when i'm home. i don't have a dog in new york and if i did, i wouldn't get pictures like this. so i savor it and feel the need to share. i mean every now and then, i miss certain things about nyc but then i lay in my queen-sized bed with my puppy in my lap looking out the window at the woods and i forget all of those things and am just glad i'm home.

like the song says: "my heart will always be in carolina."

Saturday, December 30, 2006

they were dancing around his body.

today is a day of anamoles.

within fifteen minutes of watching msnbc, i saw the solemn services for fmr. president gerald ford, the uplifting homegoing services for james brown and the grave accounts of the execution of saddam hussein. and i suppose that i'm supposed to feel different about all three; me as an american, historian, musician, black woman and human being. but somehow, i don't know if i can. i don't know if that's right. by all means, i acknowledge the impact they have had on our lives, for the positive or negative, but in the end, death is the equalizer. who they were as men is now left up to history.

maybe this is why i shouldn't watch 24-hour news channels when i'm on vacation.

Friday, December 29, 2006

...goodwill towards men.

completely off topic --- as i was typing the previous entry, i turned to cnn to hear about saddam hussein's execution. they are waiting for pictures and video. there is now celebratory gunfire in baghdad as it approaches 7 am. and i wonder, was it all worth it? because i feel empty, almost hardened by it. i'm not sure exactly what it accomplishes. it's like that moment in the miniseries band of brothers, when they find out that hitler has killed himself. it brings no lasting pleasure when a man like that dies. for me, it's a reminder of what we as humans will allow. somehow, in some way, these people gain power and the control to change millions of lives. and now we are being asked to put our support behind a war that was too little, too late. we, meaning the people who unfortunately run our governments, let these things occur for whatever reason. and it is only now that the people who really matter, you and i, have to do our civic duty to never let these things happen again. and i would like to have hope. but people like hussein only make me wonder.

for those people whose lives were affected by this madman, you are justified in your feelings. no one can take those things away from you. as an outsider, i don't know what i'm expected to feel but i don't think it's this.

peace on earth...

this is the christmas tree at rockerfeller center. i was there on christmas eve. it was hard for me to be in the christmas spirit at this particular moment (not that i'm a scrooge or anything like that --- far from it) because i was carrying my bassoon on my back and the streets were closed off due to the ridiculous amount of people around. but i stopped and took a picture of it for a few reasons.

it really is a sight. at that moment, i realized that in all my time living in new york (now and as a kid) i had never come to see it. it felt odd being there because it was when i saw it that i noticed that i was there. i stumbled upon it. it was like i had no idea as to where my feet were taking me. and it is vast and huge --- not really the best looking tree, the epitome of trees, one would say but it is massive. but the big thing was i felt all alone right then, as if i wasn't surrounded by the thousands of people that were milling about on the streets. it was just me and the tree. but the tree acts as something bigger, obviously. and so, in a very unbecoming manner for a new yorker, i stopped and took this picture.

don't drink when you're tired.

i hate the fact that i've associated being emotionally vulnerable with being weak in character and resolve. i want myself to feel what everything inside me is trying to feel right now because it's true, honest. instead, i'm pushing it down because i don't want to seem weak. well, i have to stop that and just go on feeling.

on a happier note, peabody confirmed the processing of my application. i'm just waiting on yale and hartt (i think i might forego northwestern --- still thinking) my mother and i sat down and planned my trips to all my auditions. it's so funny because sitting down with her working on something that's so pivotal and ensures, even, a little slice of adulthood, i still feel like a baby. but then again, having all of your friends get married and you yourself dating an older man will definitely highlight those feelings.

speaking of marriage, i got a christmas card from james and meagan today. they're doing so well. i really need to go out to utah and visit them. i hope they have kids soon, they'll be such great parents.