it's been a long and busy month. that's the only way it can be explained, i think. for the first time in a really long time, school kicked the shit out of me and i did not come out unscathed. if you looked at my grades, you might not believe it but i struggled. i did get a 20-page thesis paper out of it ("What have we done between us?" Guilt, Innocence, Musical and Sexual Violence in Britten's The Rape of Lucretia and The Turn of the Screw) but that's slim pickings...
so for the past week i have been doing nothing but sleeping. had a great christmas with the fam, enjoying the beautiful weather in raleigh but mainly sleeping. sleeping for the reasons above but also because my problems have not really gone away. i lost my job last week which is financially crushing, i'm trying to make the transition if having a new roommate and i still have so much school stuff left to take care of. yes, not the most carefree break in the world.
i have much hope for the new year. 2008 by all accounts has been awful. so 2009 can only go up, right? i mean, my recital, my friends' graduation, the finishing of the academic part of my degrees and beginning of my thesis and obama! looks good from here. happy new year, mes amis!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
in this tender night
an unfortunate incident worth noting:
david fedderly: have you ever lost someone close to you?
me: yes.
this was on tuesday, two days after attending my great-grandmother's funeral. now of course, he didn't know that he was touching on a nerve as live as an exposed telephone cable. but there i was, in my lesson, doing everything in power to keep myself from erupting in tears. not surprisingly, though, i played better. whether or not roger's piece was as he was describing, it mattered to me all of a sudden. it meant something.
now this is an adage that is all too familiar. music is supposed to convey every experience, every emotion and its our job as musicians to make that audible and palpable to the audience. this concept is something that came much more naturally to me years ago, when i was less afraid to confront my emotions through my playing (save performing on stage, which i guess, is all that matters --- i get really emotional and raw on stage, it seems) and he's been pushing me to the edge, one that really frightens me. but i think, at least i hope, that its necessary.
my great-grandmother's death was a huge blow to me. a friend of mine said to me, "do they even make great-grandparents anymore?" and it was a fair thing to note. i guess a little family history was needed: my grandparents died when i was young and therefore, when everyone was young --- my mother, my uncle and my great-grandmothers. i think we all took the places of loved ones lost. they were my new grandmothers. my father remarked to me that he thought it was funny that there were more pictures of me in my great-grandmother's house than almost anyone. more of me then in my own house. i was the baby. and then that part of my life was gone.
i've talked about death before and i don't mean to go into a great deal of detail. i just think it was important to note the connection between those parts of my life. they are, forever, inextricably linked. hopefully, conveying that emotion to the audience will help me find a peace i've been looking for these past few days.
david fedderly: have you ever lost someone close to you?
me: yes.
this was on tuesday, two days after attending my great-grandmother's funeral. now of course, he didn't know that he was touching on a nerve as live as an exposed telephone cable. but there i was, in my lesson, doing everything in power to keep myself from erupting in tears. not surprisingly, though, i played better. whether or not roger's piece was as he was describing, it mattered to me all of a sudden. it meant something.
now this is an adage that is all too familiar. music is supposed to convey every experience, every emotion and its our job as musicians to make that audible and palpable to the audience. this concept is something that came much more naturally to me years ago, when i was less afraid to confront my emotions through my playing (save performing on stage, which i guess, is all that matters --- i get really emotional and raw on stage, it seems) and he's been pushing me to the edge, one that really frightens me. but i think, at least i hope, that its necessary.
my great-grandmother's death was a huge blow to me. a friend of mine said to me, "do they even make great-grandparents anymore?" and it was a fair thing to note. i guess a little family history was needed: my grandparents died when i was young and therefore, when everyone was young --- my mother, my uncle and my great-grandmothers. i think we all took the places of loved ones lost. they were my new grandmothers. my father remarked to me that he thought it was funny that there were more pictures of me in my great-grandmother's house than almost anyone. more of me then in my own house. i was the baby. and then that part of my life was gone.
i've talked about death before and i don't mean to go into a great deal of detail. i just think it was important to note the connection between those parts of my life. they are, forever, inextricably linked. hopefully, conveying that emotion to the audience will help me find a peace i've been looking for these past few days.
Monday, November 17, 2008
tell me again, what is the name of this place? ohio. it means "beautiful".
you know, some things just never work out right, or the way you want them to. and personally, when it happens over and over again, i tend to get suspicious. i will give you an example. i have just come back from a long weekend in cincinnati, which was wonderful, by all accounts. and just when i thought i was going to make it through unscathed, i get a call from my parents telling me that my great-grandmother had passed away that morning. and cue imani's guilt factor! i have a happy habit of being away, trying to act like a normal human being and have fun when someone close to me dies. true, one has nothing to do with the other but there are other circumstances. let's just say i've never been able to handle it very well.
but that's not really the point of this post. even with that bump in the road, i had a great time. it was good to be in a place that i had never been, meet new people and catch up with old friends. and ohio is beautiful. being the country girl i am, i miss, well, being in the country. or at least seeing things that take my breath away. (yes there are not a lot of those moments here in baltimore) and standing in eden park overlooking the ohio river as the sun set was a moment i DRASTICALLY needed. it was a wonderful four days and it was a little tough to come back.
exacerbating that was the fact that the Peabody community et al, will not get off of my back. my old job is hounding me to find stuff for them which i don't have a problem with (well except for the hounding), people are calling me up about recitals (still!) and everything is falling apart. how is that possible? i mean, honestly? no one wants to come back to that but i'm going to deal with it head first...after i sleep in through Stone's 1900-1945 class (sorry Dr. Stone, i really need to sleep)
so i guess the moral of the story is that good things and bad things are not independent of each other, they happen, sometimes one on top of another and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. my way is remember all the good things in my dreams until i've squeezed all of the goodness out of them like an orange.
but that's not really the point of this post. even with that bump in the road, i had a great time. it was good to be in a place that i had never been, meet new people and catch up with old friends. and ohio is beautiful. being the country girl i am, i miss, well, being in the country. or at least seeing things that take my breath away. (yes there are not a lot of those moments here in baltimore) and standing in eden park overlooking the ohio river as the sun set was a moment i DRASTICALLY needed. it was a wonderful four days and it was a little tough to come back.
exacerbating that was the fact that the Peabody community et al, will not get off of my back. my old job is hounding me to find stuff for them which i don't have a problem with (well except for the hounding), people are calling me up about recitals (still!) and everything is falling apart. how is that possible? i mean, honestly? no one wants to come back to that but i'm going to deal with it head first...after i sleep in through Stone's 1900-1945 class (sorry Dr. Stone, i really need to sleep)
so i guess the moral of the story is that good things and bad things are not independent of each other, they happen, sometimes one on top of another and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. my way is remember all the good things in my dreams until i've squeezed all of the goodness out of them like an orange.
Monday, October 27, 2008
i will lift up my voice to the lord
one of the jobs of great art is to make us uncomfortable.
uncomfortable in the sense that it causes internal conflict, makes us rethink how we look at everything, questions our very being. you're supposed to come out of the other side, challenged, maybe even experiencing a catharsis, in the sense of a resolution. and it's an unmistakable feeling. this past sunday, i attended the performance of Bernstein's MASS at the Kennedy Center with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (the importance was not lost on me that the piece was written for the inauguration of that very hall) and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable. the work is not new to me but listening to the recording and seeing it live is like comparing apples to giraffes. the dramatic elements, i found, at times, spellbinding. and in the Celebrant's bel canto style mad scene, i felt the anguish to the point of fear. it was a feeling that i have not felt in quite some time. i left feeling differently about the piece (and myself), more so than i could have imagined.
now is the MASS a great work of art? that is not really for me to say. it is so underperformed and still, to this day, so controversial on so many levels that i don't know if it would ever have a chance to be considered as such. but i must thank the BSO and Maestra Alsop (and of course, Lenny, himself) for giving me something to think about. it has been a while.
post-script: i have not stopped listening to "A Simple Song" since. i think it is too beautiful. listen here
post-post-script: i just saw in my RSS reader that Charles Neidich is playing Quartet for the End of Time at Merkin Hall tomorrow. it's one of those moments that i miss NYC. as much time as i spent working with Neidich, i barely got to see him perform 20th century music.
uncomfortable in the sense that it causes internal conflict, makes us rethink how we look at everything, questions our very being. you're supposed to come out of the other side, challenged, maybe even experiencing a catharsis, in the sense of a resolution. and it's an unmistakable feeling. this past sunday, i attended the performance of Bernstein's MASS at the Kennedy Center with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (the importance was not lost on me that the piece was written for the inauguration of that very hall) and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable. the work is not new to me but listening to the recording and seeing it live is like comparing apples to giraffes. the dramatic elements, i found, at times, spellbinding. and in the Celebrant's bel canto style mad scene, i felt the anguish to the point of fear. it was a feeling that i have not felt in quite some time. i left feeling differently about the piece (and myself), more so than i could have imagined.
now is the MASS a great work of art? that is not really for me to say. it is so underperformed and still, to this day, so controversial on so many levels that i don't know if it would ever have a chance to be considered as such. but i must thank the BSO and Maestra Alsop (and of course, Lenny, himself) for giving me something to think about. it has been a while.
post-script: i have not stopped listening to "A Simple Song" since. i think it is too beautiful. listen here
post-post-script: i just saw in my RSS reader that Charles Neidich is playing Quartet for the End of Time at Merkin Hall tomorrow. it's one of those moments that i miss NYC. as much time as i spent working with Neidich, i barely got to see him perform 20th century music.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
you know nothing of madness
hormones, repressed feelings and anxiety make us do wild things.
like act like a child when you're a grown-up or act like someone who's looking to be casual and fancy free when you really want a relationship. it's the "i'll-take-anything" mentality. and sometimes, it's nice to indulge it (even at the sake of your own embarrassment) but then comes that adage of curiosity killing some cat somewhere and you realize that it could be a dangerous path.
who really wants to singe their whiskers?
especially when there might be greater things around the corner? i've grown pretty impatient with a lot of of things --- mainly, being an adult and all that comes with it; worrying about school and the economy, paying my rent, taxes, bills, and of course, wondering why i'm not married yet. so why not have dalliances and run around with people twice one's age (or the square root of one's age) and laugh and be silly in the face of such terrifying danger? because, i know better or at least, a little more. i know that if i just wait all my questions will be answered, desires and urges squashed. and as fun as it may be to have those desires, it's also a lot more fun just to be calm. (everyone else enjoys it, too)
so i'll wait, sit on my hands and stop myself from doing anything too rash. i can not get too close and still be warm.
like act like a child when you're a grown-up or act like someone who's looking to be casual and fancy free when you really want a relationship. it's the "i'll-take-anything" mentality. and sometimes, it's nice to indulge it (even at the sake of your own embarrassment) but then comes that adage of curiosity killing some cat somewhere and you realize that it could be a dangerous path.
who really wants to singe their whiskers?
especially when there might be greater things around the corner? i've grown pretty impatient with a lot of of things --- mainly, being an adult and all that comes with it; worrying about school and the economy, paying my rent, taxes, bills, and of course, wondering why i'm not married yet. so why not have dalliances and run around with people twice one's age (or the square root of one's age) and laugh and be silly in the face of such terrifying danger? because, i know better or at least, a little more. i know that if i just wait all my questions will be answered, desires and urges squashed. and as fun as it may be to have those desires, it's also a lot more fun just to be calm. (everyone else enjoys it, too)
so i'll wait, sit on my hands and stop myself from doing anything too rash. i can not get too close and still be warm.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
you know, the birds who can't sleep at night
it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here at my computer, listening to Ravel's Piano Trio in A minor (III. Passacaille), ruminating over my life, as is the profound effect that music has on me when i really listen to it, wondering just what the hell is going on. i leave for raleigh not too long from now and i think that will help clear things up for me.
the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?
i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.
but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.
okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...
the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?
i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.
but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.
okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
when two worlds collide
how do the mata haris of the world do it? and no i don't mean espionage and double-crossing. i mean leading two lives. it is a complicated balance that could give way at any moment. most of the time, i do it pretty well. today is an example of how i can and can't at the same time.
i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.
plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.
but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.
in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.
back to the debate!
i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.
plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.
but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.
in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.
back to the debate!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
no one asks my opinion, i'm an independent.
this year has not started with a bang, like i may have previously surmised. more like a crash and possibly, a thud? i am starting to feel like an academic (oh, that word.) and the weight of all of my music academic classes is hitting me pretty hard, not to mention learning my, what, seventh language? (although, the most i can do at this point with any amount of confidence is Comment t'appelles-tu?). my analysis of an article by taruskin on the mediant relations connection between schubert/liszt and the mighty five turned out to be quite in depth and the act of plumbing the scholarly deep has left me craving for more.
next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.
the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...
i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.
next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.
the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...
i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.
right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.
so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.
right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.
so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ein Komma an der falschen Stelle kann viel anrichten.
(tell me about it)
so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?
it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.
the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.
but yeah, who looks forward to that?
as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.
i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.
so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?
it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.
the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.
but yeah, who looks forward to that?
as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.
i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Es sei uns dein gnädiges Antlitz erfreulich!
this summer has been an odd one at best.
i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.
but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.
but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.
again, the beauty of summer.
so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?
i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.
but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.
but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.
again, the beauty of summer.
so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
the office
okay, now a lot of things have happened since i last wrote (i don't have the internet...AGAIN) but i'll get to all of that later. first, the post which derives from this title.
i am temping in an office until school starts and it's a really nice job, admin assistant/front desk sort of deal, full time. but here's the thing. i'm working in an office filled with normal people. that's right, i said it. now first let me clarify: normal does not equate to "unintelligent" or "droll" or anything like that. it just means they have a 9-5 job, homes, families, the whole kit and kaboodle.
and for me that is effing weird.
the offices are cubicles, there is a casual friday, it's surreal. you have to remember that i've been working in non-normal places for over five years. (i mean new york city opera? give me a break. my office was a restored coat room in the state theater) and it's almost comforting. the problems are normal (and very intense - it's in mental health care) and i don't have to hear anything about bossy parents or anyone's school system or finding somewhere to buy pointe shoes/lieder/costumes/wigs/sheet music/metronomes, etc.
but it is obvious that i am the odd man out. in my few days here, i've become the public transportation riding, über-recycling, homemade lunch bringing, 800 page non-fiction book reading, opera-singing girl who is studying TWO degrees that no one knows about and talks to herself at the front desk in foreign languages. but it doesn't matter because i'm funny and talk to people and listen and am courteous and that's all people really need, sometimes. (one small caveat, however. since i AM the girl mentioned above, maybe, people in and around this office should not hit on me. it's dead in the water)
so even though it's full time work for the next month or so, which is exhausting (i get up every morning at 6 and don't get home until 6), it's a breath of fresh air. and money, don't forget money.
i am temping in an office until school starts and it's a really nice job, admin assistant/front desk sort of deal, full time. but here's the thing. i'm working in an office filled with normal people. that's right, i said it. now first let me clarify: normal does not equate to "unintelligent" or "droll" or anything like that. it just means they have a 9-5 job, homes, families, the whole kit and kaboodle.
and for me that is effing weird.
the offices are cubicles, there is a casual friday, it's surreal. you have to remember that i've been working in non-normal places for over five years. (i mean new york city opera? give me a break. my office was a restored coat room in the state theater) and it's almost comforting. the problems are normal (and very intense - it's in mental health care) and i don't have to hear anything about bossy parents or anyone's school system or finding somewhere to buy pointe shoes/lieder/costumes/wigs/sheet music/metronomes, etc.
but it is obvious that i am the odd man out. in my few days here, i've become the public transportation riding, über-recycling, homemade lunch bringing, 800 page non-fiction book reading, opera-singing girl who is studying TWO degrees that no one knows about and talks to herself at the front desk in foreign languages. but it doesn't matter because i'm funny and talk to people and listen and am courteous and that's all people really need, sometimes. (one small caveat, however. since i AM the girl mentioned above, maybe, people in and around this office should not hit on me. it's dead in the water)
so even though it's full time work for the next month or so, which is exhausting (i get up every morning at 6 and don't get home until 6), it's a breath of fresh air. and money, don't forget money.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
wherever you stand be the soul of that place.
today was finally what my summer should have been like all along. too bad it seems increasingly fleeting. but the tale i must impart.
i woke up this morning planning on be productive. claire and i ran errands for the house, including applying for a job at plaza art materials. claire then told me that she and ben were going to the american visionary art museum in federal hill to watch, as part of an installment, monks make a sand mandala. for those of you who don't know what that is, it looks like this:
it is created painstakingly by monks tapping out colored sand. it teaches the beauty of impermanence and non-attachment in that after the mandala, which takes hours/days to create, is finished, it is blown away like so much sand on a beach. so of course, i had to go. claire proposed that i take a cab since they were riding their bikes. at the last minute i decided to walk all two miles from my house to federal hill. it was not really that bad and it was a beautiful day. the exhibit, "all faiths beautiful" was beautiful and beyond inspiring and watching the monks awakened something inside me long dormant. my commitment to study and practice buddhism (as much as anyone can actually do those things) has waned as of late and i felt reinspired. (my tweets also mention honeybees. i've been reading so much on our current honeybee plight and i feel this becoming a cause) so after the museum, i walked to the harbor, got some italian ice and dinner and just looked out on the water. it felt good.
four miles later, my body is hurting but it's the good kind. i'm so glad that i've really stuck to exercising. i think i'm starting to see the results which is happy. don't get me wrong, i'm still bored out of my mind and sad that all of my friends have gone away but at least i'm content with my life. that's saying quite a lot.
i woke up this morning planning on be productive. claire and i ran errands for the house, including applying for a job at plaza art materials. claire then told me that she and ben were going to the american visionary art museum in federal hill to watch, as part of an installment, monks make a sand mandala. for those of you who don't know what that is, it looks like this:
it is created painstakingly by monks tapping out colored sand. it teaches the beauty of impermanence and non-attachment in that after the mandala, which takes hours/days to create, is finished, it is blown away like so much sand on a beach. so of course, i had to go. claire proposed that i take a cab since they were riding their bikes. at the last minute i decided to walk all two miles from my house to federal hill. it was not really that bad and it was a beautiful day. the exhibit, "all faiths beautiful" was beautiful and beyond inspiring and watching the monks awakened something inside me long dormant. my commitment to study and practice buddhism (as much as anyone can actually do those things) has waned as of late and i felt reinspired. (my tweets also mention honeybees. i've been reading so much on our current honeybee plight and i feel this becoming a cause) so after the museum, i walked to the harbor, got some italian ice and dinner and just looked out on the water. it felt good.
four miles later, my body is hurting but it's the good kind. i'm so glad that i've really stuck to exercising. i think i'm starting to see the results which is happy. don't get me wrong, i'm still bored out of my mind and sad that all of my friends have gone away but at least i'm content with my life. that's saying quite a lot.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
it really says something about lovers leaping like gazelles
so it seems that i may have jinxed myself, you be the judge.
shortly after i wrote my last post, i found out that the savage mountain arts chamber music institute, to which my trio and i were to be a part, canceled this summer, due to low enrollment. this was a crushing blow, let me tell you. i had been looking forward to this since last fall. however, these things happen, especially to smaller camps. i've seen similar during my time at nyu. it just seems that all of my fabulous plans for the summer imploded on themselves (arabian nights, summer opera theatre, savage mountain) which leaves me at home to practice and prepare for the fall, which would be great except for the fact that i have carpal tunnel in both hands, the reason why i couldn't do some of these things in the first place. so this turns into another one of those summers where i'm at home, nursing my broken and feeble body. don't worry, it's nothing new.
so i guess part of me is counteracting that by working out. hard. i mean i worked out a lot last summer with my father after my unsightly (and unexpected) weight gain due to massive traveling on the part of grad school auditions. and i did lose weight and get myself back. but this summer it's all about getting stronger...
we can rebuild her, make her stronger, faster.
...and losing some of that baby fat that refuses to go away. that and the fact that i'm bored as hell and working out every day helps me to relieve my every day stress. my injuries feel better, too, but that's not rocket science. (i'm actually typing this after i finished about 40 minutes of yoga). hopefully, something will come to show of it.
as you know, i've shown some real disdain for baltimore this summer due to my incessant boredom. but something has come along to make me proud to be a resident of charm city. thanks to alex ross for bringing this to my attention. baltimore's own, hybrid groove project have just put out "hgp anthem" dissing the likes of peabody faves alarm will sound and so percussion not to mention bang on a can, james levine and many more. this might be the best battle rap i've heard in a while. okay, maybe not but it's pretty badass. read about it here and, well, big ups to mobtown.
shortly after i wrote my last post, i found out that the savage mountain arts chamber music institute, to which my trio and i were to be a part, canceled this summer, due to low enrollment. this was a crushing blow, let me tell you. i had been looking forward to this since last fall. however, these things happen, especially to smaller camps. i've seen similar during my time at nyu. it just seems that all of my fabulous plans for the summer imploded on themselves (arabian nights, summer opera theatre, savage mountain) which leaves me at home to practice and prepare for the fall, which would be great except for the fact that i have carpal tunnel in both hands, the reason why i couldn't do some of these things in the first place. so this turns into another one of those summers where i'm at home, nursing my broken and feeble body. don't worry, it's nothing new.
so i guess part of me is counteracting that by working out. hard. i mean i worked out a lot last summer with my father after my unsightly (and unexpected) weight gain due to massive traveling on the part of grad school auditions. and i did lose weight and get myself back. but this summer it's all about getting stronger...
we can rebuild her, make her stronger, faster.
...and losing some of that baby fat that refuses to go away. that and the fact that i'm bored as hell and working out every day helps me to relieve my every day stress. my injuries feel better, too, but that's not rocket science. (i'm actually typing this after i finished about 40 minutes of yoga). hopefully, something will come to show of it.
as you know, i've shown some real disdain for baltimore this summer due to my incessant boredom. but something has come along to make me proud to be a resident of charm city. thanks to alex ross for bringing this to my attention. baltimore's own, hybrid groove project have just put out "hgp anthem" dissing the likes of peabody faves alarm will sound and so percussion not to mention bang on a can, james levine and many more. this might be the best battle rap i've heard in a while. okay, maybe not but it's pretty badass. read about it here and, well, big ups to mobtown.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
there were a lot of no's in that sentence
there's something very cathartic about cleaning. it lets you get your physical space together as well as your mental one. since i have, virtually, nothing to do, i've been cleaning quite a bit. washing everything in sight, sweeping a whole house of wood floors, watering plants, folding clothes, you name it. it helps keep me at peace and let me sleep at night. because let me tell you, the terrors and fears are never too far behind.
today i got an email from PK. it was really sweet. he asked me about my trip to the caribbean. he also told me that he thought the playing in my jury was the best he had heard from me. that really meant a lot. he discussed a summer plan for me to really get me moving this fall and i was just so grateful that he took the time to do that. it wasn't degrading or anything like that. just a teacher being helpful. i really took it to heart. if i had a ridiculous ego and no shame i would have taken it as an offense. good thing that's not me at all. unfortunately, i have to email him and let him know about the CTS. i'm sure that will invariably change his plans for me.
like the line in one of my favorite movies, "we never seem to get a break."
so june has been pretty pointless for the most part even though i had to miss one of my very dear friend's wedding and the senior recital of one of my favorite people. you know, tied to a very nonsense job that leaves even my co-workers confused. next week, however, i will be up in NYC for a bridal shower (its the summer of weddings!) so that will be an experience. i'm really just counting down to july. i miss my trio and i can't wait for the time we'll have up in frostburg.
i'm reminded of father's day. my own father and other fathers. i feel like maybe dads get the short end of the stick sometimes. i'll be the first person to say that the relationship between my father and i is much different from that between me and my mother. don't get me wrong, i love them more than life itself and i couldn't get along without them. but i'm a girl and have always been attached to my mother. but i'm not going to leave it to one day to express the love i have for my father. he and i have been through a lot and he's number one in my heart. i was deeply saddened by the passing of tim russert on friday, moreso than by any other "celebrity" figure i can think of, especially upon hearing the touching stories of him, his father and his son. too little do we hear stories about great fathers. maybe because we don't think they deserve the credit, or "that's their job" (a phrase i loathe) i know for a fact that i would not be where i am without my father and i grieve for the russerts in this loss of their father, son and husband.
i'd really rather not end this on such a sad and poignant note so i'll have to come up with something...i don't know, thoughts escape me. i guess i'll just wish everyone a very happy father's day! (love you daddy!)
today i got an email from PK. it was really sweet. he asked me about my trip to the caribbean. he also told me that he thought the playing in my jury was the best he had heard from me. that really meant a lot. he discussed a summer plan for me to really get me moving this fall and i was just so grateful that he took the time to do that. it wasn't degrading or anything like that. just a teacher being helpful. i really took it to heart. if i had a ridiculous ego and no shame i would have taken it as an offense. good thing that's not me at all. unfortunately, i have to email him and let him know about the CTS. i'm sure that will invariably change his plans for me.
like the line in one of my favorite movies, "we never seem to get a break."
so june has been pretty pointless for the most part even though i had to miss one of my very dear friend's wedding and the senior recital of one of my favorite people. you know, tied to a very nonsense job that leaves even my co-workers confused. next week, however, i will be up in NYC for a bridal shower (its the summer of weddings!) so that will be an experience. i'm really just counting down to july. i miss my trio and i can't wait for the time we'll have up in frostburg.
i'm reminded of father's day. my own father and other fathers. i feel like maybe dads get the short end of the stick sometimes. i'll be the first person to say that the relationship between my father and i is much different from that between me and my mother. don't get me wrong, i love them more than life itself and i couldn't get along without them. but i'm a girl and have always been attached to my mother. but i'm not going to leave it to one day to express the love i have for my father. he and i have been through a lot and he's number one in my heart. i was deeply saddened by the passing of tim russert on friday, moreso than by any other "celebrity" figure i can think of, especially upon hearing the touching stories of him, his father and his son. too little do we hear stories about great fathers. maybe because we don't think they deserve the credit, or "that's their job" (a phrase i loathe) i know for a fact that i would not be where i am without my father and i grieve for the russerts in this loss of their father, son and husband.
i'd really rather not end this on such a sad and poignant note so i'll have to come up with something...i don't know, thoughts escape me. i guess i'll just wish everyone a very happy father's day! (love you daddy!)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
i heard it in the wind last night, sounded like applause.
music is a funny thing.
this weekend was one for which i wasn't really prepared. it involves music and, i guess, the past. my two great loves. part of my vacation was to be part of two alumni concerts, one at my high school and the other involving my youth orchestra. and it seems like everything that occurred around those two events showed me how much the passing of time can either romanticize things or harden our hearts.
the first thing that i noticed was the litany of phone calls i received in a few short days. people with whom (unfortunately) i had not spoken to in years, called me. and immediately, it was like restarting a conversation that had been cut off. it was so easy and natural and surprising in that way. being the sentimentalist that i am, i welcomed it. they are all people that i love and had missed dearly. not to mention that in that wave of phone calls came others from people in my present that i also love dearly. it had a profound impact on me.
the next thing was the concerts themselves. and here comes the divide. i had a lot of problems in high school. sometimes, my band program and i were not on the best of terms and that is most definitely not how i left. i carried around a lot of resentment because being in that program became my whole life. certain people left me feeling jilted and after so many years of believing in them, that's a hard feeling to stomach. but the thing about all of that is, underneath all of that pain lay a deep love which i have always wanted to rekindle. and the moment that i walked into the building and set my eyes upon a man that i had not talked to in almost eight years, and those last words were an argument between us, all of the hurt inside me melted away. i had missed him. what i didn't realize was that while i had thought i still felt the initial pain from my past, time had worn it away and only left the feelings with which i had started. it felt good. i felt good. yes, being at my high school, playing on that stage is mildly unnerving, considering. but i definitely left feeling that the whole thing had been worth doing. i even left with a few tears in my eyes. now today was the youth orchestra alumni concert and i will just say that it was the complete and total opposite, the antithesis, really of what had happened before. the anger that i felt came welling back to the surface (i will make an EXTREMELY long story short by saying that we were never on good terms) and what it turned into was a complete reversion --- i turned into the 17 year old troublemaker. and it felt kind of good, i'll be honest. i made wisecrack remarks in the back, making everyone around me laugh and tossed everything to the wind. here, i felt like nothing had changed and i hated that. it even seemed like things had gotten worse over the years rather than better. i think people wonder how i remember such small things with such veracity. they just made such an impact on me...but what i realized was that i don't care anymore the way i used to. i cared then because i had to care, had to believe that i was committed to something and was going to make it work. i am now free of those shackles, thanks to time and the advancement of age. i think i understand that some things will never change but i have to. doing this makes that tangible.
funny how music can bring everyone back...back together, back to life. i saw people i haven't seen in years and worried that i would never see again. a lot of them are working in the real world (it's the real world to me, my own world seems quite imaginary), starting families and creating new lives for themselves. if anything, i envy them because they've made so much change in their life. i'm still the girl behind the bassoon. but in any case, i respect them and they respect me. we sit down together and just make music. it couldn't be any more simple. and i honestly wish that it could always be that way. i know, however, that that is not the case. i am happy that these past couple of days have allowed me to regenerate new connections. those ties that we make to people never really break. i think in the end, that's how our lives will be measured, by the connections that we make. i hope that people will come to remember and think well of me.
this weekend was one for which i wasn't really prepared. it involves music and, i guess, the past. my two great loves. part of my vacation was to be part of two alumni concerts, one at my high school and the other involving my youth orchestra. and it seems like everything that occurred around those two events showed me how much the passing of time can either romanticize things or harden our hearts.
the first thing that i noticed was the litany of phone calls i received in a few short days. people with whom (unfortunately) i had not spoken to in years, called me. and immediately, it was like restarting a conversation that had been cut off. it was so easy and natural and surprising in that way. being the sentimentalist that i am, i welcomed it. they are all people that i love and had missed dearly. not to mention that in that wave of phone calls came others from people in my present that i also love dearly. it had a profound impact on me.
the next thing was the concerts themselves. and here comes the divide. i had a lot of problems in high school. sometimes, my band program and i were not on the best of terms and that is most definitely not how i left. i carried around a lot of resentment because being in that program became my whole life. certain people left me feeling jilted and after so many years of believing in them, that's a hard feeling to stomach. but the thing about all of that is, underneath all of that pain lay a deep love which i have always wanted to rekindle. and the moment that i walked into the building and set my eyes upon a man that i had not talked to in almost eight years, and those last words were an argument between us, all of the hurt inside me melted away. i had missed him. what i didn't realize was that while i had thought i still felt the initial pain from my past, time had worn it away and only left the feelings with which i had started. it felt good. i felt good. yes, being at my high school, playing on that stage is mildly unnerving, considering. but i definitely left feeling that the whole thing had been worth doing. i even left with a few tears in my eyes. now today was the youth orchestra alumni concert and i will just say that it was the complete and total opposite, the antithesis, really of what had happened before. the anger that i felt came welling back to the surface (i will make an EXTREMELY long story short by saying that we were never on good terms) and what it turned into was a complete reversion --- i turned into the 17 year old troublemaker. and it felt kind of good, i'll be honest. i made wisecrack remarks in the back, making everyone around me laugh and tossed everything to the wind. here, i felt like nothing had changed and i hated that. it even seemed like things had gotten worse over the years rather than better. i think people wonder how i remember such small things with such veracity. they just made such an impact on me...but what i realized was that i don't care anymore the way i used to. i cared then because i had to care, had to believe that i was committed to something and was going to make it work. i am now free of those shackles, thanks to time and the advancement of age. i think i understand that some things will never change but i have to. doing this makes that tangible.
funny how music can bring everyone back...back together, back to life. i saw people i haven't seen in years and worried that i would never see again. a lot of them are working in the real world (it's the real world to me, my own world seems quite imaginary), starting families and creating new lives for themselves. if anything, i envy them because they've made so much change in their life. i'm still the girl behind the bassoon. but in any case, i respect them and they respect me. we sit down together and just make music. it couldn't be any more simple. and i honestly wish that it could always be that way. i know, however, that that is not the case. i am happy that these past couple of days have allowed me to regenerate new connections. those ties that we make to people never really break. i think in the end, that's how our lives will be measured, by the connections that we make. i hope that people will come to remember and think well of me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
yes, if you're looking for infinity, just close your eyes!
my vacation to the cayman islands was strange, in some regards.
i found myself sitting on my patio at 1:30 in the morning, reading milan kundera's the unbearable lightness of being and listening to ian bostridge sing grainger's brigg fair on constant repeat, feeling the breeze from the night sea, crying on the inside.
it reminded me of things and people whose names are not as important as the impact they have had on me recently. i've felt this indescribable feeling of emptiness. when i say empty, i mean poured out from a vase. not lacking but there was something there, something of which i am conscious but not clear. my alone time was pretty much spent that way for the entire trip. while wrapped up in the intoxicating prose of kundera and hearing (what i believe to be) the utterly quixotic and sensual sound of this song from the english countryside, i thought about my own spirit and what it would be like to complete someone. how devastating, painful and beautiful that would be. i know that doesn't really make any sense. it's so damn hard to explain.
but i promise, it wasn't depressing. it was transcendent. it was like i didn't feel anything at all, i just existed. and in that existence, i relived memories that really touched me. there is more but i can and will not say at this time, if ever. i have learned over the years (the hard way, unfortunately) that some things are best kept private.
aside from those moments, grand cayman was wonderful. i snorkeled with cute little fish, spoke italian, got hit on by many an island man and bought the best rum cake EVER. jealous, eh? i know, i know. but we can't all vacation forever...
i found myself sitting on my patio at 1:30 in the morning, reading milan kundera's the unbearable lightness of being and listening to ian bostridge sing grainger's brigg fair on constant repeat, feeling the breeze from the night sea, crying on the inside.
it reminded me of things and people whose names are not as important as the impact they have had on me recently. i've felt this indescribable feeling of emptiness. when i say empty, i mean poured out from a vase. not lacking but there was something there, something of which i am conscious but not clear. my alone time was pretty much spent that way for the entire trip. while wrapped up in the intoxicating prose of kundera and hearing (what i believe to be) the utterly quixotic and sensual sound of this song from the english countryside, i thought about my own spirit and what it would be like to complete someone. how devastating, painful and beautiful that would be. i know that doesn't really make any sense. it's so damn hard to explain.
but i promise, it wasn't depressing. it was transcendent. it was like i didn't feel anything at all, i just existed. and in that existence, i relived memories that really touched me. there is more but i can and will not say at this time, if ever. i have learned over the years (the hard way, unfortunately) that some things are best kept private.
aside from those moments, grand cayman was wonderful. i snorkeled with cute little fish, spoke italian, got hit on by many an island man and bought the best rum cake EVER. jealous, eh? i know, i know. but we can't all vacation forever...
Friday, May 23, 2008
if you want someone to write about jazz, then you do it.
self-hatred and self-doubt is an ugly thing. it took me a long time to realize that it was external doubt that was fueling my inner demons. right now, i'm still trying to get over something said about me by someone i love who i am just starting to see never really understood me. i have never fit into anyone's plan as a musician. and no one seems to get it, my father doesn't even seem to get it. i have such big plans for myself and this career. whether or not i'll achieve them is another story but just because i don't fall into your idea of what my future should be doesn't make me any less of a musician. i don't like to compared to other people cause i'm not them. they're not me, it's very simple.
and let me make it clear, it's not vanity. i just feel very clearly about what i'm supposed to do with my life. and i hurt because i feel alone because i live in a world of other people's standards. that's not uncommon, i know but the uncertainty it caused in me...it makes me resentful. or made me resentful, shall i say. i guess it just hurts more than anything.
luckily for me, i've finally found a reason to be proud of myself. and i don't think anyone can take it away no matter what's said. i had to get that off of my chest before i left for vacation. it's been a big hump this year. i allowed myself to live with a certain amount of pain and i don't think i'll let myself do it again. on more important terms, my mother's birthday is today (or i guess, yesterday) and i'm so proud of her. she's going through a lot (she quit smoking) and she means the world to me. a very close friend of mine just lost a parent and i grieve for her, immensely. i don't really know what to say to her because i can't fathom what she's dealing with but i just want to put my arms around her. family, i think, can give us purpose. i've had my own problems with my family over the years but these things really make you reevaluate your relationships.
and let me make it clear, it's not vanity. i just feel very clearly about what i'm supposed to do with my life. and i hurt because i feel alone because i live in a world of other people's standards. that's not uncommon, i know but the uncertainty it caused in me...it makes me resentful. or made me resentful, shall i say. i guess it just hurts more than anything.
luckily for me, i've finally found a reason to be proud of myself. and i don't think anyone can take it away no matter what's said. i had to get that off of my chest before i left for vacation. it's been a big hump this year. i allowed myself to live with a certain amount of pain and i don't think i'll let myself do it again. on more important terms, my mother's birthday is today (or i guess, yesterday) and i'm so proud of her. she's going through a lot (she quit smoking) and she means the world to me. a very close friend of mine just lost a parent and i grieve for her, immensely. i don't really know what to say to her because i can't fathom what she's dealing with but i just want to put my arms around her. family, i think, can give us purpose. i've had my own problems with my family over the years but these things really make you reevaluate your relationships.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
i am a rock in a sea of chaos.
in a lot of ways, i am a very lucky girl.
i have thought about this recently when it comes to relationships. and by relationships, i mean, connections between one person and another. on the whole, i have found people with whom i can make lasting and meaningful connections. every now and then there is an aberration of sorts but not every person is a person you want to know. but here's the thing. we go through a lot of adversity in our lives, some of it private and solitary and some of it public. there are people in my life with whom i've had serious problems that had to be overcome. and somehow, in spite of that, we've remained close. mainly because there was a foundation there upon which to build.
i never thought that my friendship would mean so much to people. i never thought that someone would trust me with their private lives, their secrets and feelings. the fact that someone confides in me and cares about my feelings, even after traversing through dangerous ground is pretty mind-blowing. i was reminded of this very recently and i'm still kind of awestruck by it. and what amazes me is the fact that over the course of my life, i'm able to find these people and connect with them.
if that's not luck, i don't know what is. :)
i am listening to messaien's des canyons aux étoiles right now. i figured it would get me in the right frame of mind before my trip. i don't know if i was right on that accord but hey, a little messaien never did anyone any harm, now did it?
i have thought about this recently when it comes to relationships. and by relationships, i mean, connections between one person and another. on the whole, i have found people with whom i can make lasting and meaningful connections. every now and then there is an aberration of sorts but not every person is a person you want to know. but here's the thing. we go through a lot of adversity in our lives, some of it private and solitary and some of it public. there are people in my life with whom i've had serious problems that had to be overcome. and somehow, in spite of that, we've remained close. mainly because there was a foundation there upon which to build.
i never thought that my friendship would mean so much to people. i never thought that someone would trust me with their private lives, their secrets and feelings. the fact that someone confides in me and cares about my feelings, even after traversing through dangerous ground is pretty mind-blowing. i was reminded of this very recently and i'm still kind of awestruck by it. and what amazes me is the fact that over the course of my life, i'm able to find these people and connect with them.
if that's not luck, i don't know what is. :)
i am listening to messaien's des canyons aux étoiles right now. i figured it would get me in the right frame of mind before my trip. i don't know if i was right on that accord but hey, a little messaien never did anyone any harm, now did it?
Friday, May 16, 2008
don't ruin my artistic vision!
i love how no one takes to my meaning.
i wrote a note on facebook complaining about how upset i was about my grades this semester. for some reason everyone thought it meant one thing and said, "cheer up, imani, your grades aren't that bad, it doesn't matter." well i KNOW that. the issue is the fact that every class that could have been an A wasn't because i let myself get caught up in a job that has no bearing on my life and has made my overall life increasingly difficult. that makes me angry and rightfully so. whatever...
so my carpal tunnel is back in my left hand (i really shouldn't be typing then, should i?), just one more thing in my list of grievances. but as someone i know would say, life is good. two more days of the tech week from hell and then i'm on vacation. it's a very happy thing, sunny prospects lie ahead, literally.
i wrote a note on facebook complaining about how upset i was about my grades this semester. for some reason everyone thought it meant one thing and said, "cheer up, imani, your grades aren't that bad, it doesn't matter." well i KNOW that. the issue is the fact that every class that could have been an A wasn't because i let myself get caught up in a job that has no bearing on my life and has made my overall life increasingly difficult. that makes me angry and rightfully so. whatever...
so my carpal tunnel is back in my left hand (i really shouldn't be typing then, should i?), just one more thing in my list of grievances. but as someone i know would say, life is good. two more days of the tech week from hell and then i'm on vacation. it's a very happy thing, sunny prospects lie ahead, literally.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
as whole enamored worlds will say
"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."
i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.
i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.
i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.
it's enough to move me to tears.
i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.
i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.
i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.
it's enough to move me to tears.
Friday, April 11, 2008
you are the forest.
i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.
on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.
it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.
on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.
it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
when she performs, in such a way
the great thing about music as opposed to dance (and opera, theater, etc) is no crazy theatrics that cost tons of money. stage+stands=success.
the great thing about dance as opposed to music? beautiful, shirtless men. if male musicians were required to play without THEIR shirts, i'd leave the profession immediately. that being said, i'm in the right line of work. the pay is okay and the rules are pretty flex. plus, i have plenty of opportunities to watch shirtless men dance (and dance with them, i might add). our showcase tonight went very well save a few glitches which is to be expected. but i finally got to see our dancers and i will say that they are meant to do what they are doing. and you know how, and this is in any art, there are always the ones from whom you can't look away? i saw that tonight. one girl has the most beautiful face i've ever seen, beyond her years, not in age, but in flirtation. with a very subtle glance she seems to hint at the most seductive and beautiful things. and then in the next moment she is smiling, radiantly. another girl was just magnetic, agile and strong. she slinked across the stage, the power and strength just rippling in her lean muscles. and my other particular favorite just had the look of wisdom and girl-next-door beauty. she's a funny girl outside of the stage and her effervescence just shines through. that does not mean that all the dancers weren't fantastic. but you always know. i've known some young musicians like that who just awe me every time i watch them perform. they are filled with something magical. that magic gives me hope.
(wow, that was corny)
but now i can somewhat regain control of my life which is comforting. it's been pretty rough but i think i'm finally reaching calm air. i don't have any time for anything else, anyway.
the great thing about dance as opposed to music? beautiful, shirtless men. if male musicians were required to play without THEIR shirts, i'd leave the profession immediately. that being said, i'm in the right line of work. the pay is okay and the rules are pretty flex. plus, i have plenty of opportunities to watch shirtless men dance (and dance with them, i might add). our showcase tonight went very well save a few glitches which is to be expected. but i finally got to see our dancers and i will say that they are meant to do what they are doing. and you know how, and this is in any art, there are always the ones from whom you can't look away? i saw that tonight. one girl has the most beautiful face i've ever seen, beyond her years, not in age, but in flirtation. with a very subtle glance she seems to hint at the most seductive and beautiful things. and then in the next moment she is smiling, radiantly. another girl was just magnetic, agile and strong. she slinked across the stage, the power and strength just rippling in her lean muscles. and my other particular favorite just had the look of wisdom and girl-next-door beauty. she's a funny girl outside of the stage and her effervescence just shines through. that does not mean that all the dancers weren't fantastic. but you always know. i've known some young musicians like that who just awe me every time i watch them perform. they are filled with something magical. that magic gives me hope.
(wow, that was corny)
but now i can somewhat regain control of my life which is comforting. it's been pretty rough but i think i'm finally reaching calm air. i don't have any time for anything else, anyway.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
and they were staring at her shoes all night
i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.
freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.
i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)
but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?
and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.
freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.
i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)
but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?
and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
that's such a lonely thing to do.
self-reflection and introspection always seemed to come easy to me. as if i had to say it to myself, out loud, to fully comprehend what was going on in my own mind. my feelings? your guess is as good as mine. but there's something that comes along with that revelation when you actually speak the words.its as if you give it life, it comes into existence. and in that existence comes some sort of truth about yourself. whether or not you're ready to handle that is another story.
so i keep saying things as if to validate my own existence. that can be troublesome (and burdensome) at times but i do it. i think, therefore...and all that. and what do i learn about myself? that i am a complex organism. understatement, no? but think about it for a minute. that thought helps to give all of our emotions and actions some sort of relevance and sense. it all can't be just because. talking to my housemate about love gives me closure about love (yes, i NEED closure) and giving my best friend advice allows me insight to that same advice.
ah, love. it all comes back to that, doesn't it. sometimes i think i'm "unlucky" but that's not it at all. unfortunately, i've yet to find a better adjective. i seem to be out of time while all of my friends are inside of time, and i watch over and smile but feel separated and incapable. but i am capable and have been loved. for now, i'll continue to float.
i don't just feel that way about love --- i feel that way about my life's work, like i'm existing outside of myself and someone/something else is doing everything, pulling the strings. maybe i have to separate my consciousness from my emotion in order to accomplish anything of worth, i don't really know. but so far, so good.
are you gonna let me go there by myself?
so i keep saying things as if to validate my own existence. that can be troublesome (and burdensome) at times but i do it. i think, therefore...and all that. and what do i learn about myself? that i am a complex organism. understatement, no? but think about it for a minute. that thought helps to give all of our emotions and actions some sort of relevance and sense. it all can't be just because. talking to my housemate about love gives me closure about love (yes, i NEED closure) and giving my best friend advice allows me insight to that same advice.
ah, love. it all comes back to that, doesn't it. sometimes i think i'm "unlucky" but that's not it at all. unfortunately, i've yet to find a better adjective. i seem to be out of time while all of my friends are inside of time, and i watch over and smile but feel separated and incapable. but i am capable and have been loved. for now, i'll continue to float.
i don't just feel that way about love --- i feel that way about my life's work, like i'm existing outside of myself and someone/something else is doing everything, pulling the strings. maybe i have to separate my consciousness from my emotion in order to accomplish anything of worth, i don't really know. but so far, so good.
are you gonna let me go there by myself?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged
we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.
however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.
so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.
this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?
right.
however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.
so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.
this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?
right.
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