as whole enamored worlds will say

"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."

i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.

i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.

i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.

it's enough to move me to tears.

you are the forest.

i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.

on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.

it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.