even when they're alone, they're not really apart.

fourth corner trio, on the steps in mt. vernon, january 2009

fools rush in, where wise men never go

it's been a while. i've been busy. very busy, but i don't know if that's important at all. have you ever had a period in your life where you're confronted with revelation after revelation? that's what now feels like. sort of.

it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?

peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.

so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.

more revelations, maybe?

next, i will read a selection from walt whitman's "leaves of grass"

it was cold, but worth it. nothing like doing the cha cha slide to "ain't no stoppin' us now" on the field at war memorial plaza in 18-degree weather with thousands of strangers (and being one of the people who started it) and just feeling happy about life and one's country. it's too late for me to explain now, just know it was worth it.

and i love you back.

i will lift up my voice to the lord

one of the jobs of great art is to make us uncomfortable.

uncomfortable in the sense that it causes internal conflict, makes us rethink how we look at everything, questions our very being. you're supposed to come out of the other side, challenged, maybe even experiencing a catharsis, in the sense of a resolution. and it's an unmistakable feeling. this past sunday, i attended the performance of Bernstein's MASS at the Kennedy Center with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (the importance was not lost on me that the piece was written for the inauguration of that very hall) and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable. the work is not new to me but listening to the recording and seeing it live is like comparing apples to giraffes. the dramatic elements, i found, at times, spellbinding. and in the Celebrant's bel canto style mad scene, i felt the anguish to the point of fear. it was a feeling that i have not felt in quite some time. i left feeling differently about the piece (and myself), more so than i could have imagined.

now is the MASS a great work of art? that is not really for me to say. it is so underperformed and still, to this day, so controversial on so many levels that i don't know if it would ever have a chance to be considered as such. but i must thank the BSO and Maestra Alsop (and of course, Lenny, himself) for giving me something to think about. it has been a while.

post-script: i have not stopped listening to "A Simple Song" since. i think it is too beautiful. listen here
post-post-script: i just saw in my RSS reader that Charles Neidich is playing Quartet for the End of Time at Merkin Hall tomorrow. it's one of those moments that i miss NYC. as much time as i spent working with Neidich, i barely got to see him perform 20th century music.

Ein Komma an der falschen Stelle kann viel anrichten.

(tell me about it)

so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?

it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.

the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.

but yeah, who looks forward to that?

as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.

i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.

Es sei uns dein gnädiges Antlitz erfreulich!

this summer has been an odd one at best.

i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.

but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.

but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.

again, the beauty of summer.

so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?

wherever you stand be the soul of that place.

today was finally what my summer should have been like all along. too bad it seems increasingly fleeting. but the tale i must impart.

i woke up this morning planning on be productive. claire and i ran errands for the house, including applying for a job at plaza art materials. claire then told me that she and ben were going to the american visionary art museum in federal hill to watch, as part of an installment, monks make a sand mandala. for those of you who don't know what that is, it looks like this:



it is created painstakingly by monks tapping out colored sand. it teaches the beauty of impermanence and non-attachment in that after the mandala, which takes hours/days to create, is finished, it is blown away like so much sand on a beach. so of course, i had to go. claire proposed that i take a cab since they were riding their bikes. at the last minute i decided to walk all two miles from my house to federal hill. it was not really that bad and it was a beautiful day. the exhibit, "all faiths beautiful" was beautiful and beyond inspiring and watching the monks awakened something inside me long dormant. my commitment to study and practice buddhism (as much as anyone can actually do those things) has waned as of late and i felt reinspired. (my tweets also mention honeybees. i've been reading so much on our current honeybee plight and i feel this becoming a cause) so after the museum, i walked to the harbor, got some italian ice and dinner and just looked out on the water. it felt good.

four miles later, my body is hurting but it's the good kind. i'm so glad that i've really stuck to exercising. i think i'm starting to see the results which is happy. don't get me wrong, i'm still bored out of my mind and sad that all of my friends have gone away but at least i'm content with my life. that's saying quite a lot.

it really says something about lovers leaping like gazelles

so it seems that i may have jinxed myself, you be the judge.

shortly after i wrote my last post, i found out that the savage mountain arts chamber music institute, to which my trio and i were to be a part, canceled this summer, due to low enrollment. this was a crushing blow, let me tell you. i had been looking forward to this since last fall. however, these things happen, especially to smaller camps. i've seen similar during my time at nyu. it just seems that all of my fabulous plans for the summer imploded on themselves (arabian nights, summer opera theatre, savage mountain) which leaves me at home to practice and prepare for the fall, which would be great except for the fact that i have carpal tunnel in both hands, the reason why i couldn't do some of these things in the first place. so this turns into another one of those summers where i'm at home, nursing my broken and feeble body. don't worry, it's nothing new.

so i guess part of me is counteracting that by working out. hard. i mean i worked out a lot last summer with my father after my unsightly (and unexpected) weight gain due to massive traveling on the part of grad school auditions. and i did lose weight and get myself back. but this summer it's all about getting stronger...

we can rebuild her, make her stronger, faster.

...and losing some of that baby fat that refuses to go away. that and the fact that i'm bored as hell and working out every day helps me to relieve my every day stress. my injuries feel better, too, but that's not rocket science. (i'm actually typing this after i finished about 40 minutes of yoga). hopefully, something will come to show of it.

as you know, i've shown some real disdain for baltimore this summer due to my incessant boredom. but something has come along to make me proud to be a resident of charm city. thanks to alex ross for bringing this to my attention. baltimore's own, hybrid groove project have just put out "hgp anthem" dissing the likes of peabody faves alarm will sound and so percussion not to mention bang on a can, james levine and many more. this might be the best battle rap i've heard in a while. okay, maybe not but it's pretty badass. read about it here and, well, big ups to mobtown.

you are the forest.

i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.

on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.

it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.

the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged

we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.

however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.

so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.

this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?

right.

we're all growing up, the way it's supposed to be.

long time, no see.

i've been absurdly busy over the past few weeks with my move to baltimore. that and starting at a new school had taken over my life but i'm finally at a point where i can at least write --- sit down, catch my breath. this is an entirely new experience for me. when i walk to the bus i take to school, i walk through these beautiful neighborhoods filled with painted lady row houses, hidden by trees saying in the breeze. i can't explain to you how different that is from a walk i used to take to achieve the same purpose. it's just so invigorating. but then again, so is the newness of everything. but honestly, as i sit here in my new room, i feel old hat at at least most of it. i'm just glad this isn't like five years ago. i don't feel lonely like i did when i moved to new york or when i moved to boone for that mater. i just feel good.

i realized the other night that this is the first time in a long time that i've been really stable. like i have nothing in my life to complain about. i'm not depressed and i feel really good about life and where it's going. did i just have to move out of new york to achieve all of that? i don't think so, but it helps. i've been calling people and reaching out to people and feels so nice. like why hold back? everyone, i'm cool with you. it's all good.

i am scared of what lies ahead. can i handle it? yeah but who knows how... but that is life. i'm not worrying about it too much.

the transition from summer into fall is, in my opinion, the best time of year (after the beginning of spring, of course) i wish it stayed this way all the time. now all i have to do is start playing and find me a relationship, oh yeah and buy a car, and i'll be set.

it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.

"i rarely apologize because i seldom make any mistakes."

just a few random things seeing as how there's not much going on in my life (except getting a job :) and looking for a new place to live) and i have no real social commentary:

well for starters, i think i just ruptured my eardrum, or am about to. when i was 18, my eardrum ruptured in my sleep and i woke up in the morning covered in blood. i had irreversible hearing loss. yeah, that sucked. (sorry, i told you this was random) no matter how often i drive/walk around, i will never get over how awesome it is to be in raleigh where everyone says "hi". some people may not understand just how valuable that is but i like being able to talk to be on the street or that when i call up my pharmacy, go to the bank or order food, the person on the other side calls me "baby" or "darling" in the way only a southerner can (all three of those things happened to me today) why anyone would ever want to leave that is beyond me.

i love going through my library and discovering new things. right now i'm listening to bernstein's MASS and i hadn't really listened to it after i had gotten it. and of course, i totally love it. listening to the responsory, i could just imagine doing this with the jazz vocal ensemble at app or a handful of people from v/e. but i can't start thinking about v/e and all of the wonderful things i could do with them cause i'll get really sad (damn you hamish maccunn part songs!) and i've been listening to britten's the turn of the screw like a fiend. i mean how powerful is the line "the ceremony of innocence is drowned". holy moly. and all of this after listening to hours of handel today (i watched rodelinda on ovation which was four hours long, fell asleep during the last fifteen minutes and didn't find out what happened so i had to watch it all over again) that's a lot of music.

well like i mentioned above, i got a job working at peabody as a lab assistant. not much but it pays the bills. and next week, i'll be going up to baltimore to find a place to live. so then i'll have something interestant to write about, i hope.

let golden sleep charm your star-brighter eyes.

ignore the time. i have an absolutely valid reason for being awake at this time. i'm about to get on a plane leaving for home (about meaning an hour and a half) and this is usual fare for me so it's all good. moving on.

completing a task is amazing. everything with queens college is finally squared away and i feel like i can leave with no worries or concerns. of course, there's always my paranoia that i didn't cross some t or dot some i but that's not happening. there's too much at stake. but it's nice to feel like you've accomplished something. on a distant yet related topic, i kind of feel bad when people in new york say, "well you'll be back to visit." they haven't known me for very long. i have no reason to come back so why would i? people say family. i pretty much have no desire to visit my family now or at any time in the future. and i rarely go out of the way to visit friends. didn't people see me tying up loose ends? (like take the fact that i asked my ex to lunch, he wasn't in town but he told me to call him when i came back to visit. i laughed for the sole reason that me coming back was not happening) i can count on one hand hand the people i have gone to visit while in college and two of those people live in north carolina. it's nothing personal, i just know how i am. and i love the people here greatly and i will be back...eventually. but it's nothing personal. and why does no one ever visit me? (well that's not true. those same people who i went to visit have all stayed with me in new york) if they want to see me so bad, they can get on the train for three hours and see me in baltimore. their call.

is it bad to love the line "hath eased you and pleased you"? it's more like eeeeeeased you and pleeeeeeeased you. it makes me think terrible thoughts. thanks, peter warlock. and i've said it once, but i'll say it again. ian bostridge's the english songbook is one of the best albums i own. it's a "listen all the way through" album. it'll go on my list with stevie nicks' bella donna and a whole bunch of albums to which i can listen to every track. brilliant.

and on an even more distant topic, i just heard a cover of pink's get this party started by shirley bassey. and i dare say, it might just be the most genius thing i've ever heard.