Saturday, March 28, 2009

just don't let the spin get you down

there are things in life that are good of which people tend to be afraid. i should know. but realizing these things and coming to terms is a huge first step.

1) change is good. i went home to north carolina, turned 25 and cut off (most of) my hair. i thought i was going to be afraid of the hair thing, as i have been for so long, but it worked out. better than i could have imagined really. the first quarter-century was rocky so i'm trying to make the next one be a little more smooth.

2) distance is good. now this is the one that scares me the most because even though i need my space when i'm going through things (and most people in my life know this) i don't want anyone to think that i don't care about them. but they don't so why am i worrying? plus, there are some people who i just need to be away from. they are the ones who i thought my life depended on constant contact with them. i think they might know better than i do. i've been scared that if i don't keep up with someone that our relationship will fizzle. but distance is giving me the time and ability to reevaluate my feelings. and that is very good.

3) stress can be good. as long as it doesn't paralyze you. i'm still working on that one.

so all and all i'm trying to get my act together. i'm giving a recital in a month and it will be great (the first time i've ever been able to say that) and i will not freak out about academic things like teaching, program notes, theses, commentaries, etc. i will not be afraid.

Monday, March 9, 2009

the thing is, everyone knows you're brilliant.

hiatuses are necessary, nay, important to one's sanity. plus, when you come back, you've really missed things. a few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away and to be honest, it has plunged my life into disarray, not because of grief but because i feel like i've lost my footing in reality. my room's a mess and my mind's a mess. the two being in the same state says a lot about me right now. but i digress --- i just have to make it through this week.

about that. i'm not making it through this week. i spent the majority of my dress rehearsal for La traviata fighting back tears. why? i have no idea. okay, that's actually a lie. very recently, it has been put upon me to be, well, a genius. or at least smarter than most. i'm not very comfortable with this idea. it has been made very clear to me (by several) that if i don't get my act together, i'll be ruining the shot my immensely talented and promising mind has at becoming an academic/scholarly superstar. but you know, no pressure. how was i supposed to know that under all of this hair lay a thriving, pulsating superbrain? so now, all of my work falls short of my standards, everyone's standards blah blah blah and it's really getting to me. all i want to do is talk about music.

i spoke with one of my professors today about my thesis, asking him to be my advisor. let me tell you, scary! but he seemed up to it, though he may regret it. talking about my thesis scares the shit out of me, i'm not going to lie. there is no turning back from that. and i have to put out 60+ pages of cohesive thought by this time next year and the whole process/outcome will change my life.

now wouldn't that make you want to cry, too?