don't you believe it's worth something?

i guess there's something to be said for formality and ceremony. it can bring out the best (and the worst) in people, but we're going to focus on the good stuff.

today was my commencement ceremony and i will say, the actual commencement --- shoot me in the face. it was HOT beyond belief and the whole host of speakers really let me down. siri sounded fantastic singing the national anthem, of course. and my quartet's rendition of the alma mater "blue and silver" was apparently, 'the best ever sung'. but the thing that got me took place after commencement. there was a music majors brunch and all my faculty were there and my classmates and it got me, you know, emotional because they have been my one point of inspiration throughout this quagmire and they are worth talking about, praising and missing. oh man, i have got to stop with this.

so now...pictures!


i love this picture. me with two of my favorite professors (and people) in the world, prof. john (l) and prof. oates (r)


the alma mater quartet


my theatre kids

if you'd like to see more (and there are more) you can go here. i'm going to look back on this as something special, i know it. you know when i was finally on my way out of the building, my professors started to get like sad that i was leaving, like that's the last that they'll see of me. no way, just ask the mac. you'll see this face again.

a perfect world begins and ends with us.

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.

this gives me faith for the future.

talk about an extra-musical experience.

i have to write about this because it gripped me so fiercely. the preparatory school where i work gave a chamber music concert with all of the chamber groups. i was in a group and we played mendelssohn. it went very well, i'm proud of them. me, however, could have been better but that's neither here nor there. the last group played shostakovich's string quartet no. 8 and it was mindblowing. these are high schoolers, on the young side and the ferocity and energy with which they played was infectious. now i must mention that i take on all of these kids as my own (which makes this even more fantastic) and hearing them play filled me with such pride. not just them but all of the groups that performed today. like i told one of my co-workers, it makes me happy about my chosen profession.

so yes, my kids are amazing. and shostakovich is fucking metal. and nothing in the world could make me happier.

i think i should lock the door.

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.

Si je dois reparaître, au jour fixè devant toi, ne m'accuse pas, pleure - moi! Pleure - moi!

so regarding the previous post...it encompasses many things, things for which i wasn't even prepared. the original intention of the statement was to imply that i'm not necessarily made for anything else anymore. sometimes i'm barely a musician, i feel. but i guess i was just exhausted from school and all of these people asking things from me.

but let's talk about the good side to this comment (yes, there is one) i was on my way to call for the vocal ensemble concert tonight and this woman stopped me in the hallway. she said, "i know you don't know me but i was at the [wind ensemble] concert and i just wanted to tell you that you're one of the most amazing bassoonists i've ever seen." and she went on to tell me that her daughter used to play bassoon and her friend next to her is a music teacher and she said the same thing. she asked me if i was getting offers and she was just so amazed at how good i was. i was just so shocked after she said all of this to me. that's the stuff i live for. i mean honestly, it really means a lot to me and i told her so. its moments like that remind me that maybe somewhere along the way, i made the right choice.

i'm not in my right mind right now...i've just ended a great love affair with my vocal ensemble. like with any love affair, there were fights, some disappointment but in the end, they have my heart. and they know it. so now i'm just going to sit and reflect and cry a little more. i'm such a girl.

i've gone past swallowing my pride

all i ever claimed to be was a musician. that was all...
[more on this to follow]

this queasy view of the future.

i know i said i wouldn't do this but i was so struck by this when i read it that i had to write it somewhere.

"ah, this is the constitution," he said. "now mark my words. so long as we are a young and virtuous people, this instrument will bind us together in mutual interests, mutual welfare, and mutual happiness. but when we become old and corrupt, it will bind us no longer."

ron chernow, alexander hamilton