i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.


i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.

Meinem Groβeltern möchten der Fernsehen einschalten aus dasselbe Kanal.

people who know me know that there are a few things that i am fiercely passionate about: the constitution, barbecue/pigs, chamber music...you get the idea. but one thing that i have a serious love for is the wind ensemble. you all may think that stupid of me but i've found myself on the defensive end especially moving to new york trying to convert people and make them see that, i don't know, it's an art form just like all the other types of classical music. i mean, you don't have to like it (by al means) but don't disrespect to my face the thing that has inspired my musical growth. i know that new york is all about the conservatory and symphonic music but my god, this is one of the most american art forms i can think of --- if anything, it has supported so many great american musicians/composers/conductors over the years. it's such an amazing vessel.

and the last thing i'll say is this: i can tell you the occasions upon which i have cried either playing or listening to a piece of classical music but i can NOT tell you how many times a wind ensemble piece has stirred my very soul. i have had moments.

i know it's been a while since i've written here. my life has been caught up around a lot of things and to be honest, i've just been too emotionally distraught to talk about things which is heady i know but that's how i get sometimes. but there have been little snippets of good here and there --- marc goldberg just emailed me about meeting him and having a lesson before my audition next week and i got notification in the mail from the registrar about filing for graduation. plus, when i told my boyfriend i needed a hug, he gave me a hug. can't get much better than that.

i don't know how the next couple of weeks are going to be, it's almost to the point of fearful but i can't psych myself out about it. who knew all of this would be so hard?