when she performs, in such a way

the great thing about music as opposed to dance (and opera, theater, etc) is no crazy theatrics that cost tons of money. stage+stands=success.

the great thing about dance as opposed to music? beautiful, shirtless men. if male musicians were required to play without THEIR shirts, i'd leave the profession immediately. that being said, i'm in the right line of work. the pay is okay and the rules are pretty flex. plus, i have plenty of opportunities to watch shirtless men dance (and dance with them, i might add). our showcase tonight went very well save a few glitches which is to be expected. but i finally got to see our dancers and i will say that they are meant to do what they are doing. and you know how, and this is in any art, there are always the ones from whom you can't look away? i saw that tonight. one girl has the most beautiful face i've ever seen, beyond her years, not in age, but in flirtation. with a very subtle glance she seems to hint at the most seductive and beautiful things. and then in the next moment she is smiling, radiantly. another girl was just magnetic, agile and strong. she slinked across the stage, the power and strength just rippling in her lean muscles. and my other particular favorite just had the look of wisdom and girl-next-door beauty. she's a funny girl outside of the stage and her effervescence just shines through. that does not mean that all the dancers weren't fantastic. but you always know. i've known some young musicians like that who just awe me every time i watch them perform. they are filled with something magical. that magic gives me hope.

(wow, that was corny)

but now i can somewhat regain control of my life which is comforting. it's been pretty rough but i think i'm finally reaching calm air. i don't have any time for anything else, anyway.

and they were staring at her shoes all night

i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.

freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.

i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)

but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?

and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.