you are getting on your grind

well this past month has been ridiculous and i think it's quite peculiar that when i have the most to say (because i'm the most busy) that it's the most difficult for me to put it down. but tonight, i was good. i bought groceries (for the first time in say four months) and cooked (probably the same amount on that one) and here it is, 7:14 and i'm all caught up. so, obviously, the next most important thing to do would be to blog. ;)

this past month has been oh so revelatory for me...teaching jobs have come and gone and things seem like they're getting accomplished. and maybe, just maybe, i've established some sort of routine? i grade, practice, work on grad school apps, edit papers and of course, play on my iphone (it has CHANGED my life, can't even lie) and even though i see nothing but transition up ahead, i'm preparing myself.

(by transition i mean leaving my job. sssshhhhh!)

but hey, i survived a swine flu frenzy, both at work and at school, fellowship applications and a ridiculous halloween (i went dressed as Krishna!) so i think i'm doing pretty well for myself right now (i'm pulling down about 80 thou/my wife makes 40/she's a vassar grad/and hey for a woman/that's not half bad)*

also, i don't want the little lion to get jealous of talks of a new, shinier blog. that blog (which you should all look at: http://anothermusicologyblog.wordpress.com) is just a chance for me to talk about all things musicology. not nearly as interesting as what goes on over here. debauchery! wickedness! idolatry! wait, wait...that's the ten commandments. never mind. point is, i am a multi-platform blogger with plenty of craziness to go around. capisce?

good.


*if you get that reference, you get cookies. lots of cookies.

and i'll cherish that moment for life

how do you recount something that's bigger than you?

i've never really been faced with this challenge before but i figured it would happen and hey, better sooner than later, no? i have been back in baltimore for a little over 24 hours now so i've had some time to think (yeah, right) about the last month. so what have i come up with? well all of the words that seem to describe this trip in the most apt of ways don't seem to be, well, real words...

clusterfuck, kerfuffle, ginormous, etc.

still, i found myself sitting on the floor in london heathrow with tears in my eyes. ah, the power of connection, even under the most trying of circumstances. so first, for the facts. i left DC for munich and after that went whirlwind through germany, austria, italy, the UK and iceland. many a concert were played (some were missed), and boy, did people attend. more than i ever would have imagined. (our concert at St. Martin-in-the-fields was PACKED) the entire time in iceland was spent working on and performing The Vision of the Apocalypse, an oratorio written by the ensemble's conductor and founder. that is a catchy little tune right there. not as hard as Rite but just as (musically) annoying. :) though the music we played wasn't beyond anything that i've done in my performing career, my ability to be flexible, to follow, to listen and interpret were stretched to the max. plus, there's no better way to build up endurance than playing three concerts in one day. no better way to get gigger's chops, too.

next: europe. seeing europe was everything i had imagined and more. salzburg was a fairy tale, i know i've been separated from england at birth and iceland is quite possibly the most breathtaking, mindblowing place i've ever been (yes even more serene than my dear lovely boone). in the few moments i had alone on this trip (and i tried to take as many as possible), i allowed myself to just be, wherever it was. i think some of my favorite moments were those, especially my solo trip to aldeburgh. if there was ever a time that i felt alive, that was it.

but the thing that meant the most was the people. walking into this thing, i was terrified. i really felt like i was the girl in the nudist colony who refused to take off her bra. would they accept me? would they like me? but, aha! my powers of persuasion over came fear and the whole lot. slowly but surely, i began to feel close to these people who were undergoing these hardships with me. i mean if anything brings people together, it's frustration. now granted some relationships were easier to forge than others, like missed connections with now-known hometown friends, musical colleagues and faux siblings. and of course, there were people who i thought i'd never win over (and maybe i didn't, who knows) but overall, there was a general feeling of pleasantness that kept me going (that and in usual imani style, a crush that kept me very busy). i even made friends outside of the tour, which was amazing and i'm hoping to keep those connections alive as well.

now yes, a lot of things went wrong and a lot of things made me pretty unhappy. the only reason i even choose to bring them up is as a reminder to me for the future. i've been asked by several if i would do a tour like this again and i've said no. not just because of my experiences but because i don't see a time in my life where it would be feasible again. and that leads me to another good thing. in less than two weeks lives the world that i've been anticipating for quite some time now. and let me tell you, i am terrified. i feel in no way prepared for Ph.D. applications, teaching and writing my thesis. this entire summer, including this trip, has given me the opportunity to enjoy myself in a way i never really thought possible. i've felt so alive and free and though i fear it may never be like this again, i am so grateful.

so yes i'm tired, my bassoon is tired, everything is tired. and yes, i'm ready to go back to work and i'm thankful to be back in the states. but i have no regrets. and that's all you'll get out of me. :)

just don't let the spin get you down

there are things in life that are good of which people tend to be afraid. i should know. but realizing these things and coming to terms is a huge first step.

1) change is good. i went home to north carolina, turned 25 and cut off (most of) my hair. i thought i was going to be afraid of the hair thing, as i have been for so long, but it worked out. better than i could have imagined really. the first quarter-century was rocky so i'm trying to make the next one be a little more smooth.

2) distance is good. now this is the one that scares me the most because even though i need my space when i'm going through things (and most people in my life know this) i don't want anyone to think that i don't care about them. but they don't so why am i worrying? plus, there are some people who i just need to be away from. they are the ones who i thought my life depended on constant contact with them. i think they might know better than i do. i've been scared that if i don't keep up with someone that our relationship will fizzle. but distance is giving me the time and ability to reevaluate my feelings. and that is very good.

3) stress can be good. as long as it doesn't paralyze you. i'm still working on that one.

so all and all i'm trying to get my act together. i'm giving a recital in a month and it will be great (the first time i've ever been able to say that) and i will not freak out about academic things like teaching, program notes, theses, commentaries, etc. i will not be afraid.

the thing is, everyone knows you're brilliant.

hiatuses are necessary, nay, important to one's sanity. plus, when you come back, you've really missed things. a few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away and to be honest, it has plunged my life into disarray, not because of grief but because i feel like i've lost my footing in reality. my room's a mess and my mind's a mess. the two being in the same state says a lot about me right now. but i digress --- i just have to make it through this week.

about that. i'm not making it through this week. i spent the majority of my dress rehearsal for La traviata fighting back tears. why? i have no idea. okay, that's actually a lie. very recently, it has been put upon me to be, well, a genius. or at least smarter than most. i'm not very comfortable with this idea. it has been made very clear to me (by several) that if i don't get my act together, i'll be ruining the shot my immensely talented and promising mind has at becoming an academic/scholarly superstar. but you know, no pressure. how was i supposed to know that under all of this hair lay a thriving, pulsating superbrain? so now, all of my work falls short of my standards, everyone's standards blah blah blah and it's really getting to me. all i want to do is talk about music.

i spoke with one of my professors today about my thesis, asking him to be my advisor. let me tell you, scary! but he seemed up to it, though he may regret it. talking about my thesis scares the shit out of me, i'm not going to lie. there is no turning back from that. and i have to put out 60+ pages of cohesive thought by this time next year and the whole process/outcome will change my life.

now wouldn't that make you want to cry, too?

fools rush in, where wise men never go

it's been a while. i've been busy. very busy, but i don't know if that's important at all. have you ever had a period in your life where you're confronted with revelation after revelation? that's what now feels like. sort of.

it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?

peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.

so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.

more revelations, maybe?

tell me again, what is the name of this place? ohio. it means "beautiful".

you know, some things just never work out right, or the way you want them to. and personally, when it happens over and over again, i tend to get suspicious. i will give you an example. i have just come back from a long weekend in cincinnati, which was wonderful, by all accounts. and just when i thought i was going to make it through unscathed, i get a call from my parents telling me that my great-grandmother had passed away that morning. and cue imani's guilt factor! i have a happy habit of being away, trying to act like a normal human being and have fun when someone close to me dies. true, one has nothing to do with the other but there are other circumstances. let's just say i've never been able to handle it very well.

but that's not really the point of this post. even with that bump in the road, i had a great time. it was good to be in a place that i had never been, meet new people and catch up with old friends. and ohio is beautiful. being the country girl i am, i miss, well, being in the country. or at least seeing things that take my breath away. (yes there are not a lot of those moments here in baltimore) and standing in eden park overlooking the ohio river as the sun set was a moment i DRASTICALLY needed. it was a wonderful four days and it was a little tough to come back.

exacerbating that was the fact that the Peabody community et al, will not get off of my back. my old job is hounding me to find stuff for them which i don't have a problem with (well except for the hounding), people are calling me up about recitals (still!) and everything is falling apart. how is that possible? i mean, honestly? no one wants to come back to that but i'm going to deal with it head first...after i sleep in through Stone's 1900-1945 class (sorry Dr. Stone, i really need to sleep)

so i guess the moral of the story is that good things and bad things are not independent of each other, they happen, sometimes one on top of another and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. my way is remember all the good things in my dreams until i've squeezed all of the goodness out of them like an orange.

you know, the birds who can't sleep at night

it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here at my computer, listening to Ravel's Piano Trio in A minor (III. Passacaille), ruminating over my life, as is the profound effect that music has on me when i really listen to it, wondering just what the hell is going on. i leave for raleigh not too long from now and i think that will help clear things up for me.

the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?

i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.

but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.

okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...

when two worlds collide

how do the mata haris of the world do it? and no i don't mean espionage and double-crossing. i mean leading two lives. it is a complicated balance that could give way at any moment. most of the time, i do it pretty well. today is an example of how i can and can't at the same time.

i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.

plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.

but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.

in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.

back to the debate!

no one asks my opinion, i'm an independent.

this year has not started with a bang, like i may have previously surmised. more like a crash and possibly, a thud? i am starting to feel like an academic (oh, that word.) and the weight of all of my music academic classes is hitting me pretty hard, not to mention learning my, what, seventh language? (although, the most i can do at this point with any amount of confidence is Comment t'appelles-tu?). my analysis of an article by taruskin on the mediant relations connection between schubert/liszt and the mighty five turned out to be quite in depth and the act of plumbing the scholarly deep has left me craving for more.

next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.

the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...

i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.

Ein Komma an der falschen Stelle kann viel anrichten.

(tell me about it)

so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?

it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.

the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.

but yeah, who looks forward to that?

as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.

i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.

Es sei uns dein gnädiges Antlitz erfreulich!

this summer has been an odd one at best.

i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.

but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.

but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.

again, the beauty of summer.

so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?

and they were staring at her shoes all night

i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.

freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.

i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)

but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?

and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.

what have you done for me lately?

so my alarm didn't go off this morning (or i didn't hear it) and i was sleeping, too busy dreaming about the release of leopard os 10.5 (and someone giving me an 17" apple cinema display for free) and when i woke up and went immediately to macthemes and macrumors, i realized that i've been spending too much time on the forums talking to developers and programmers.

i know i've mentioned about being a nerd here --- i don't think people really understand how deep it goes. i was out with some of my friends the other day and i was talking about way back in the day when my first computer was a tandy and i was typing out all of this dos stuff on a black screen. what a childhood.

there's nothing like learning about human nature and the state of your society as a whole by being in school, namely a political science class. and not because of what's being taught but because of what's coming out of people's mouth. i should learn to stop being so surprised at what people say. sometimes i worry. sometimes i'm amazed at the things that i don't know (which of course saddens me), i'm never amazed at what other's don't know (which also saddens me) and i mean i guess that's what college is for blah blah blah but i really wonder.

going back to the beginning of this post for a hot sec, i got my graduation present --- a new battery for my laptop. i know that sounds silly but it's making my life so much easier right now i can't even tell you. and i'm watching free stuff hoping that maybe just once in my life i could get some free stuff. maybe that's what my dream was for! i'll update you on that one.

in other very random not-tech news, the real world (mtv not the actual real world) is ridiculous. i used to be an overly dramatic person, like to the point of sheer mania. thanks to experience and some people with a knack for tough love (and being jackasses) i grew out of it. to think that people could be that dramatic is beyond words to me, like serious. how do people make it through life acting in such a way? oh yeah, i guess by being on tv.

and i would have no problem having dinner with an ex. it shows a certain level of maturity. and though i hate to admit it, my exes are all pretty good good guys...

those of you who know how i talk and my sense of humor will understand that immediately. and for those who don't, i'm being serious, just with a smile on my face.

just one moment, good people.

one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.

okay, on to the rant.

so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.

but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?

so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.

see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?

no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.

okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.

your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.

this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.

but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.

right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.

don't you believe it's worth something?

i guess there's something to be said for formality and ceremony. it can bring out the best (and the worst) in people, but we're going to focus on the good stuff.

today was my commencement ceremony and i will say, the actual commencement --- shoot me in the face. it was HOT beyond belief and the whole host of speakers really let me down. siri sounded fantastic singing the national anthem, of course. and my quartet's rendition of the alma mater "blue and silver" was apparently, 'the best ever sung'. but the thing that got me took place after commencement. there was a music majors brunch and all my faculty were there and my classmates and it got me, you know, emotional because they have been my one point of inspiration throughout this quagmire and they are worth talking about, praising and missing. oh man, i have got to stop with this.

so now...pictures!


i love this picture. me with two of my favorite professors (and people) in the world, prof. john (l) and prof. oates (r)


the alma mater quartet


my theatre kids

if you'd like to see more (and there are more) you can go here. i'm going to look back on this as something special, i know it. you know when i was finally on my way out of the building, my professors started to get like sad that i was leaving, like that's the last that they'll see of me. no way, just ask the mac. you'll see this face again.

a perfect world begins and ends with us.

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.

Si je dois reparaître, au jour fixè devant toi, ne m'accuse pas, pleure - moi! Pleure - moi!

so regarding the previous post...it encompasses many things, things for which i wasn't even prepared. the original intention of the statement was to imply that i'm not necessarily made for anything else anymore. sometimes i'm barely a musician, i feel. but i guess i was just exhausted from school and all of these people asking things from me.

but let's talk about the good side to this comment (yes, there is one) i was on my way to call for the vocal ensemble concert tonight and this woman stopped me in the hallway. she said, "i know you don't know me but i was at the [wind ensemble] concert and i just wanted to tell you that you're one of the most amazing bassoonists i've ever seen." and she went on to tell me that her daughter used to play bassoon and her friend next to her is a music teacher and she said the same thing. she asked me if i was getting offers and she was just so amazed at how good i was. i was just so shocked after she said all of this to me. that's the stuff i live for. i mean honestly, it really means a lot to me and i told her so. its moments like that remind me that maybe somewhere along the way, i made the right choice.

i'm not in my right mind right now...i've just ended a great love affair with my vocal ensemble. like with any love affair, there were fights, some disappointment but in the end, they have my heart. and they know it. so now i'm just going to sit and reflect and cry a little more. i'm such a girl.

i've gone past swallowing my pride

all i ever claimed to be was a musician. that was all...
[more on this to follow]

when music and lights are gone and we're saying goodbye.

with the flood of negativity that seems to have swept everything, it's good to remember how good life can be.

last night, i went out with a handful of friends to celebrate our friend and our professor's respective birthdays. a great time was had by all, laughter and genuine love. i find those moments are few and far between, but when they happen --- magic! i've actually been lucky enough to have had a few of those in the past couple of weeks. the time spent with my high school orchestra conductor last weekend was time i will treasure for the rest of my life (she has a very special place in my heart, one of those teachers/people who really impacts one's life) working with my "kids" in opera studio is great as well. i try to bring a little levity to italiana, if that's at all possible. and tomorrow night, i'll be out on the town celebrating another birthday and i'm very excited. i don't really go out too much but i need it.

i came to the decision that come hell or high water, i am getting out of here, here meaning queens college, new york, whatever! i don't care if i have to take all four summer sessions, it is getting done. i don't know how i got to this memory, but i was thinking about my graduation recital and a conversation i had with my parents. they told me that right after i had finished, my teacher came up to them and said, "she can do whatever she wants in life. there's nothing she can't do." and i cried. at the time, i didn't realize people believed in me in quite that way. and when i got home today, i got a letter from ACSM in regards to the awards ceremony and the school of music graduation ceremony after commencement. it was a form letter, of course, but where it said "dear ms. mosley:" it was crossed out and my name was written over it. that was from my director. there are several graduates. mine was hand addressed and hand signed.

yeah.

so it's on. i'm not going to be depressed any more. i'm more determined than i ever was. and that's a pretty nice feeling. but along with all of that is the total exhaustion i'm feeling in regards to all of this extra work i'm doing but that's nothing new.

and speaking of the awards ceremony...once again, i can't attend. why? because i have a performance down the street. even though i love people telling me how awesome i am, i'm a musician 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i mean, isn't that what "bachelor of music in performance" means, anyway?

in other news, thank god for spring! it took long enough for it to get here. i was all alone in the office today so i did my work for prof. john and part of that was going to staples and kinko's (oh and i am never going to staples again) and i decided to walk back to work. on the way, i did a little reminiscing...i went to a certain haagen-dazs on 72nd and amsterdam and thought about plans i had made not too long ago. surprisingly enough, it made me smile. because luckily for me, i still have the brooklyn bridge, it's not going anywhere, and i may have the opportunity to cross over it yet.