end of the year wrap-up

yes, i understand, it's not the end of 2009. this is more of an end of school wrap up as tuesday was the last day of classes. so here we go:

• i need to understand and just believe that i am smart. i know that the application process is daunting but for god's sake, i'd like to think that someone would have stopped me if they thought i couldn't handle it.
• there are always new friends. and those new friends are great. thank you, new friends, for keeping me *moderately* sane.
• all that practicing really pays off.
• "ego" ≠ "competitiveness" (nor should it have to)
• though the musicology department at peabody drives me literally insane, i love them. they have shown me that they have my back & care about my growth and development as a musicologist and a scholar. so i'll forgive them when they get me lost or make jokes about me to my face...
• even if it's as bad as you thought it might be, it's not that bad.
• family can suck & family can be awesome. it's a tossup.
• this was the best summer of my life. also, AMS Philly was quite possibly the most hilarious four days i've had in a LONG time.
• i will be a good teacher.
• if i'm ignoring you, don't take it personally. that means i can't afford to have the drama that follows you in my life. i'm busy.

so i can relax a little bit, three out of six grad school apps are turned in. i'm hoping i'll be so busy with teaching, trying to find a job and writing my thesis that i'll completely forget about waiting to hear back. one can only hope. this has been a tough semester but something is different. i feel different. and i like it.

and i'll cherish that moment for life

how do you recount something that's bigger than you?

i've never really been faced with this challenge before but i figured it would happen and hey, better sooner than later, no? i have been back in baltimore for a little over 24 hours now so i've had some time to think (yeah, right) about the last month. so what have i come up with? well all of the words that seem to describe this trip in the most apt of ways don't seem to be, well, real words...

clusterfuck, kerfuffle, ginormous, etc.

still, i found myself sitting on the floor in london heathrow with tears in my eyes. ah, the power of connection, even under the most trying of circumstances. so first, for the facts. i left DC for munich and after that went whirlwind through germany, austria, italy, the UK and iceland. many a concert were played (some were missed), and boy, did people attend. more than i ever would have imagined. (our concert at St. Martin-in-the-fields was PACKED) the entire time in iceland was spent working on and performing The Vision of the Apocalypse, an oratorio written by the ensemble's conductor and founder. that is a catchy little tune right there. not as hard as Rite but just as (musically) annoying. :) though the music we played wasn't beyond anything that i've done in my performing career, my ability to be flexible, to follow, to listen and interpret were stretched to the max. plus, there's no better way to build up endurance than playing three concerts in one day. no better way to get gigger's chops, too.

next: europe. seeing europe was everything i had imagined and more. salzburg was a fairy tale, i know i've been separated from england at birth and iceland is quite possibly the most breathtaking, mindblowing place i've ever been (yes even more serene than my dear lovely boone). in the few moments i had alone on this trip (and i tried to take as many as possible), i allowed myself to just be, wherever it was. i think some of my favorite moments were those, especially my solo trip to aldeburgh. if there was ever a time that i felt alive, that was it.

but the thing that meant the most was the people. walking into this thing, i was terrified. i really felt like i was the girl in the nudist colony who refused to take off her bra. would they accept me? would they like me? but, aha! my powers of persuasion over came fear and the whole lot. slowly but surely, i began to feel close to these people who were undergoing these hardships with me. i mean if anything brings people together, it's frustration. now granted some relationships were easier to forge than others, like missed connections with now-known hometown friends, musical colleagues and faux siblings. and of course, there were people who i thought i'd never win over (and maybe i didn't, who knows) but overall, there was a general feeling of pleasantness that kept me going (that and in usual imani style, a crush that kept me very busy). i even made friends outside of the tour, which was amazing and i'm hoping to keep those connections alive as well.

now yes, a lot of things went wrong and a lot of things made me pretty unhappy. the only reason i even choose to bring them up is as a reminder to me for the future. i've been asked by several if i would do a tour like this again and i've said no. not just because of my experiences but because i don't see a time in my life where it would be feasible again. and that leads me to another good thing. in less than two weeks lives the world that i've been anticipating for quite some time now. and let me tell you, i am terrified. i feel in no way prepared for Ph.D. applications, teaching and writing my thesis. this entire summer, including this trip, has given me the opportunity to enjoy myself in a way i never really thought possible. i've felt so alive and free and though i fear it may never be like this again, i am so grateful.

so yes i'm tired, my bassoon is tired, everything is tired. and yes, i'm ready to go back to work and i'm thankful to be back in the states. but i have no regrets. and that's all you'll get out of me. :)

toccata, mazurka, prelude and fugue

summers are usually the bane of my existence. i have nothing to do and my brain rots. i get really fat (or really thin, depending) and spend most of my nights in bed, mostly naked, sweating and wide awake from unshakeable and insufferable heat. this summer, not so much?

i spent my first week back in baltimore after my vacation at home searching for roommates and jobs, eating out (and drinking) with friends and playing the stravinsky octet (?) much to my surprise. maybe a fluke? doesn't seem that way. i now have a full time job at a realty/property management company in charles village where i spend my days answering phones, filing and being all around awesome (remember, my days are usually spent with me...sleeping) and my nights are spent cooking dinner with friends, going to concerts (earlier this week Hilary Hahn with the BSO (premiering Jenifer Higdon's new concerto) and last night Fleetwood Mac!) and studying.

did i mention studying? cause i'm doing a LOT of that. i have six books and one score checked out from friedheim, all books by professors with whom i'm looking to study at various Ph.D. programs. the score...the score is for my thesis.

[side note: there was a category on jeopardy! last night ENTIRELY ABOUT BRITTEN?! amazing.]

the score is for my thesis on which i am doing research as we speak. not impressive research but research nonetheless. i'm also reading doctor faustus for my thomas mann class in the fall, doing work in my italian workbook (with a little bit of german?), now i have the new task of updating the IDRS website with new bassoon theses/dissertations and practicing. lots and lots of practicing. i'm playing the Hindemith sonata in a week and a half, i have excerpts to prepare, baroque bassoon and a now possibly extended european tour. (that's right...iceland has now turned into iceland, austria, italy, france and the UK)

whew.

just typing that is exhausting. and typing that helps me to realize just how much i have to do in such a short time. but guess what folks? this makes me happy. the only thing is i won't be able to work out quite as much as i did last summer. but you know what, it's okay because this weekend, i'm going back to NYC to see the ny phil do the war requiem and then party at webster hall.

i think i might like summer after all.

don't let the klingons get you down

a lot happens when you're tucked away in your own little paper-writing cubicle of death. so i'm here to clean house (literally, i was just cleaning my house) and reflect on the past six months.

1) you find out a lot when you open up netnewswire for the first time in MONTHS. you see one of your college friends (and someone you had a crush on) talked about in alex ross's the rest is noise (congrats), that your favorite lighthouse is getting funding, a professor that you had an immediate connection with is blowing up all over the place (thanks, bush administration?) and all sorts of happy things.

2) i am now a master of music (and not just a bachelor). well, okay, i'm one paper away but it's pretty much in the lock. unfortunately, due to logistics and stupid technical things, i don't get to celebrate with all of my other masters of music in the traditional way (i get a fancy pink stole and a hat and a GIANT sheet of paper) but i will be celebrating. these past two years have been interesting and revelatory. i've come out the other side a better bassoonist, a better musician and, um, cuter? i'm just glad it's over. now to spend another year to become doubly masterful at...um...music.

3) i'm going to iceland! i am so excited about this. i'm going to the land of bjork and thermal spas to go play some new music in the beginning of august and i can't think of a better way to end my summer vacation. more to come as i get more info.

i've learned a lot about myself in these past six months and i think i'm pleased with the outcome. one academic meltdown aside, i think i have the respect of my professors and peers. i mean, i'll be playing baroque bassoon in the fall, writing my thesis on britten's chamber operas, TAing three classes (including at class at JHU's homewood campus) and applying for some of the most prestigious Ph.D. programs in the country. and on a personal level, a lot of rough things went down. and you know, it's still hard but i'm in a happy place.

and hey, i cut off all of my hair. that has to speak for something.

it's only love

i am alive. when my life starts to even out, then i'll have a story to tell.

fools rush in, where wise men never go

it's been a while. i've been busy. very busy, but i don't know if that's important at all. have you ever had a period in your life where you're confronted with revelation after revelation? that's what now feels like. sort of.

it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?

peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.

so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.

more revelations, maybe?

no one asks my opinion, i'm an independent.

this year has not started with a bang, like i may have previously surmised. more like a crash and possibly, a thud? i am starting to feel like an academic (oh, that word.) and the weight of all of my music academic classes is hitting me pretty hard, not to mention learning my, what, seventh language? (although, the most i can do at this point with any amount of confidence is Comment t'appelles-tu?). my analysis of an article by taruskin on the mediant relations connection between schubert/liszt and the mighty five turned out to be quite in depth and the act of plumbing the scholarly deep has left me craving for more.

next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.

the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...

i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.

it really says something about lovers leaping like gazelles

so it seems that i may have jinxed myself, you be the judge.

shortly after i wrote my last post, i found out that the savage mountain arts chamber music institute, to which my trio and i were to be a part, canceled this summer, due to low enrollment. this was a crushing blow, let me tell you. i had been looking forward to this since last fall. however, these things happen, especially to smaller camps. i've seen similar during my time at nyu. it just seems that all of my fabulous plans for the summer imploded on themselves (arabian nights, summer opera theatre, savage mountain) which leaves me at home to practice and prepare for the fall, which would be great except for the fact that i have carpal tunnel in both hands, the reason why i couldn't do some of these things in the first place. so this turns into another one of those summers where i'm at home, nursing my broken and feeble body. don't worry, it's nothing new.

so i guess part of me is counteracting that by working out. hard. i mean i worked out a lot last summer with my father after my unsightly (and unexpected) weight gain due to massive traveling on the part of grad school auditions. and i did lose weight and get myself back. but this summer it's all about getting stronger...

we can rebuild her, make her stronger, faster.

...and losing some of that baby fat that refuses to go away. that and the fact that i'm bored as hell and working out every day helps me to relieve my every day stress. my injuries feel better, too, but that's not rocket science. (i'm actually typing this after i finished about 40 minutes of yoga). hopefully, something will come to show of it.

as you know, i've shown some real disdain for baltimore this summer due to my incessant boredom. but something has come along to make me proud to be a resident of charm city. thanks to alex ross for bringing this to my attention. baltimore's own, hybrid groove project have just put out "hgp anthem" dissing the likes of peabody faves alarm will sound and so percussion not to mention bang on a can, james levine and many more. this might be the best battle rap i've heard in a while. okay, maybe not but it's pretty badass. read about it here and, well, big ups to mobtown.

there were a lot of no's in that sentence

there's something very cathartic about cleaning. it lets you get your physical space together as well as your mental one. since i have, virtually, nothing to do, i've been cleaning quite a bit. washing everything in sight, sweeping a whole house of wood floors, watering plants, folding clothes, you name it. it helps keep me at peace and let me sleep at night. because let me tell you, the terrors and fears are never too far behind.

today i got an email from PK. it was really sweet. he asked me about my trip to the caribbean. he also told me that he thought the playing in my jury was the best he had heard from me. that really meant a lot. he discussed a summer plan for me to really get me moving this fall and i was just so grateful that he took the time to do that. it wasn't degrading or anything like that. just a teacher being helpful. i really took it to heart. if i had a ridiculous ego and no shame i would have taken it as an offense. good thing that's not me at all. unfortunately, i have to email him and let him know about the CTS. i'm sure that will invariably change his plans for me.

like the line in one of my favorite movies, "we never seem to get a break."

so june has been pretty pointless for the most part even though i had to miss one of my very dear friend's wedding and the senior recital of one of my favorite people. you know, tied to a very nonsense job that leaves even my co-workers confused. next week, however, i will be up in NYC for a bridal shower (its the summer of weddings!) so that will be an experience. i'm really just counting down to july. i miss my trio and i can't wait for the time we'll have up in frostburg.

i'm reminded of father's day. my own father and other fathers. i feel like maybe dads get the short end of the stick sometimes. i'll be the first person to say that the relationship between my father and i is much different from that between me and my mother. don't get me wrong, i love them more than life itself and i couldn't get along without them. but i'm a girl and have always been attached to my mother. but i'm not going to leave it to one day to express the love i have for my father. he and i have been through a lot and he's number one in my heart. i was deeply saddened by the passing of tim russert on friday, moreso than by any other "celebrity" figure i can think of, especially upon hearing the touching stories of him, his father and his son. too little do we hear stories about great fathers. maybe because we don't think they deserve the credit, or "that's their job" (a phrase i loathe) i know for a fact that i would not be where i am without my father and i grieve for the russerts in this loss of their father, son and husband.

i'd really rather not end this on such a sad and poignant note so i'll have to come up with something...i don't know, thoughts escape me. i guess i'll just wish everyone a very happy father's day! (love you daddy!)

as whole enamored worlds will say

"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."

i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.

i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.

i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.

it's enough to move me to tears.

the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged

we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.

however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.

so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.

this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?

right.

our anxieties about life and the passing of time and our emotional life … love lost.

so just an update on the adapter situation from yesterday...so my adapter shorted out for like five minutes. so now i have an adapter that works and another on the way. i couldn't be more furious. but we have to look at the upsides, right? and the upside is, this adapter is on the way out and as soon as this one comes, i'm going to stop using this flimsy apple adapter. my god, you'd think they'd know better.

my teacher called me today from her new house upstate. she had been meaning to call me all week to say thank you for the card i wrote her. she told me how incredibly sweet it was and that it moved her. and she read it out loud to her husband who was also moved. of course, i got choked up, as is my way. i'm ridiculously sentimental and i have a tendency to make adults cry (which only leads to me crying and it's a whole vicious cycle) so this is par for the course for me. apparently, people don't thank her --- at all. that surprised me. everyone i talk to loves her. but whatever to them, i definitely let her know how much of an impact she's had on me over the past four years. so of course after we talked and she talked about keeping in touch, i let out this faux cry/whine to which she laughed. she sounded a little sad, though. but she doesn't have time to be sad, she's too busy.

so yes, i changed the layout, color-wise. it was getting a little too dark for me and i usually end up gravitating towards white for my blogs. greater color palette, i suppose. i really should change the song (not that i don't love v/e's recording of the saint-saens), to what i don't know. and the screenshot isn't even right. yikes.

Dann sternlose Nacht, sei willkommen.

oh, there's so much i've wanted to say over the past three days or so i don't even know where to begin. let's see if i can put this into some kind of coherent order.

yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.

continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.

friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.

the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?

i've grown tired of [t]his puppyhood.

well it's day three of the institute and things have made a turn for the better. i really like my group --- the three high school boys are really great and cute, you know, eager. and lauren, the flautist is a riot. great flute player. i'm really starting to sink into my role as "assistant" and my ego is definitely more in check...

"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."

cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.

today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.

i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)

okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!

your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.

this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.

but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.

right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.

i think i should lock the door.

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.

Si je dois reparaître, au jour fixè devant toi, ne m'accuse pas, pleure - moi! Pleure - moi!

so regarding the previous post...it encompasses many things, things for which i wasn't even prepared. the original intention of the statement was to imply that i'm not necessarily made for anything else anymore. sometimes i'm barely a musician, i feel. but i guess i was just exhausted from school and all of these people asking things from me.

but let's talk about the good side to this comment (yes, there is one) i was on my way to call for the vocal ensemble concert tonight and this woman stopped me in the hallway. she said, "i know you don't know me but i was at the [wind ensemble] concert and i just wanted to tell you that you're one of the most amazing bassoonists i've ever seen." and she went on to tell me that her daughter used to play bassoon and her friend next to her is a music teacher and she said the same thing. she asked me if i was getting offers and she was just so amazed at how good i was. i was just so shocked after she said all of this to me. that's the stuff i live for. i mean honestly, it really means a lot to me and i told her so. its moments like that remind me that maybe somewhere along the way, i made the right choice.

i'm not in my right mind right now...i've just ended a great love affair with my vocal ensemble. like with any love affair, there were fights, some disappointment but in the end, they have my heart. and they know it. so now i'm just going to sit and reflect and cry a little more. i'm such a girl.

when music and lights are gone and we're saying goodbye.

with the flood of negativity that seems to have swept everything, it's good to remember how good life can be.

last night, i went out with a handful of friends to celebrate our friend and our professor's respective birthdays. a great time was had by all, laughter and genuine love. i find those moments are few and far between, but when they happen --- magic! i've actually been lucky enough to have had a few of those in the past couple of weeks. the time spent with my high school orchestra conductor last weekend was time i will treasure for the rest of my life (she has a very special place in my heart, one of those teachers/people who really impacts one's life) working with my "kids" in opera studio is great as well. i try to bring a little levity to italiana, if that's at all possible. and tomorrow night, i'll be out on the town celebrating another birthday and i'm very excited. i don't really go out too much but i need it.

i came to the decision that come hell or high water, i am getting out of here, here meaning queens college, new york, whatever! i don't care if i have to take all four summer sessions, it is getting done. i don't know how i got to this memory, but i was thinking about my graduation recital and a conversation i had with my parents. they told me that right after i had finished, my teacher came up to them and said, "she can do whatever she wants in life. there's nothing she can't do." and i cried. at the time, i didn't realize people believed in me in quite that way. and when i got home today, i got a letter from ACSM in regards to the awards ceremony and the school of music graduation ceremony after commencement. it was a form letter, of course, but where it said "dear ms. mosley:" it was crossed out and my name was written over it. that was from my director. there are several graduates. mine was hand addressed and hand signed.

yeah.

so it's on. i'm not going to be depressed any more. i'm more determined than i ever was. and that's a pretty nice feeling. but along with all of that is the total exhaustion i'm feeling in regards to all of this extra work i'm doing but that's nothing new.

and speaking of the awards ceremony...once again, i can't attend. why? because i have a performance down the street. even though i love people telling me how awesome i am, i'm a musician 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i mean, isn't that what "bachelor of music in performance" means, anyway?

in other news, thank god for spring! it took long enough for it to get here. i was all alone in the office today so i did my work for prof. john and part of that was going to staples and kinko's (oh and i am never going to staples again) and i decided to walk back to work. on the way, i did a little reminiscing...i went to a certain haagen-dazs on 72nd and amsterdam and thought about plans i had made not too long ago. surprisingly enough, it made me smile. because luckily for me, i still have the brooklyn bridge, it's not going anywhere, and i may have the opportunity to cross over it yet.

well, they want to cut through the riff-raff.

i am scared to death of this whole grad school thing. and it is manifesting through bad practicing. and so i freaked out and for a quick second i said to myself, "self, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" cause i'm not good enough to get my master's.

but i stopped and put the bassoon down for a moment. i realized i hadn't brought any of my etude books home but i knew a place to get at least the milde etudes. i said this is what i need to do --- go back to basics, play etudes, make your hands feel good and then go back to the music. it's already there (my recital is proof of that). i think i just got freaked when i got that email from yale this morning. those things will do that.

but i'm good at what i do. and i have ways of reassuring myself.

on a side note, i'm wondering when my suspicions will prove correct. i hope they don't but i know better. plus, that's what i want anyway, right? right. my obsession with the human condition is going to get the better of me one day. today might even be it, we'll never know.