i am scared to death of this whole grad school thing. and it is manifesting through bad practicing. and so i freaked out and for a quick second i said to myself, "self, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" cause i'm not good enough to get my master's.
but i stopped and put the bassoon down for a moment. i realized i hadn't brought any of my etude books home but i knew a place to get at least the milde etudes. i said this is what i need to do --- go back to basics, play etudes, make your hands feel good and then go back to the music. it's already there (my recital is proof of that). i think i just got freaked when i got that email from yale this morning. those things will do that.
but i'm good at what i do. and i have ways of reassuring myself.
on a side note, i'm wondering when my suspicions will prove correct. i hope they don't but i know better. plus, that's what i want anyway, right? right. my obsession with the human condition is going to get the better of me one day. today might even be it, we'll never know.
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