the splendor falls on castle walls

i should not drink.

i have always known that one of these days, i would drink alone and slowly but surely become an alcoholic. it runs in the family. i don't drink as much as i used to because of the heart surgery. actually, i rarely drink at all but last night i was incredibly depressed and i have three bottles of wine in my refridgerator. now it's not like i went and got trashed or anything --- i sipped on a glass of wine but the thing is, i wasn't alone. throughout all of it, my boyfriend was reassuring me over the phone that all is well with me and that i have every reason to have a lot on my mind.

so tonight, i'm drinking water and ginger ale. i just finished practicing and have a healthy amount of trust and faith in myself. i'm a very lucky woman.

another man that i've welcomed into my life is tenor ian bostridge. as it often goes, i've found another thin pasty white boy with whom i can fall in love. now i have a bunch of recordings of his (right now i'm listening to Britten's Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings, op. 31 from his britten album (les illumnations, serenade for tenor, horn and strings, nocturnes) and i just got a recording of him singing schumann lieder) and the thing is, i watched a taping of a staged version of schubert's winterreise with him and it was then that i realized how small he is. he's a waif. puny with a schoolboy english accent. but his voice is amazing. you would never tell when you listen to him sing.

so there. i luff him. and i usually don't have a thing for singers. there's a disconnect with me for some reason that i'd rather not get into right now. but if anyone can get me a tape of that winterreise, i'll give you a cookie.