...all the terrible things i'm about to unveil.

so many things this holiday season. i feel like i started this blog a year ago with the same sort of feelings in mind. i guess some things never change.

benazir bhutto was assassinated. i don't know what to say about this, honestly, because i don't feel like i know the whole story. does anyone ever? in these instances, and we know them all too well, it's more than the actual death of the person that impacts us. it's the impact that that person could have had on us as a society, the world --- the loss of that opportunity that hurts us. who knows what she could have accomplished. and in all honesty, i can't be too sad about it because i feel like people like her know the path they're taking and have reconciled themselves. at this point in history, i almost feel like its a necessary part of the journey. sad but maybe elemental.

two other people who i respect and admire passed away (of less severe causes) around the season --- oscar peterson and michael kidd. more and more people of that stature, those who have created great art are meeting their end, an unavoidable fact but as that occurs, i feel as if i'm walking in a wasteland. to whom do i prostrate? maybe the time of gods are over, i don't know. but i've never yearned for something more, to bask in the glory of one's greatness. to be a part of their dual nature, other-worldly and amazingly human. maybe it's the curse of my generation. maybe someone will create new gods. till then, i'll pay my respects.

the end of 2007 is in sight. i don't know how i feel about looking back upon this year. it is one of massive change in my life but, fortunately, was not the most life-changing in regards to the last couple. i've learned a lot, that's for sure and i guess that's all that anyone can take out of it, no? i mean come on. have i had better luck with men? god no. have i run into obstacles in my professional life? oh yes. and there is nothing out there that says it gets easier but for the first time in a truly long time, i feel happy and at peace. now, i'm not working to escape, i'm working to reach the goals of which i've been dreaming.

and i can't ask for more than that.

the guardian of your challenge does not cry

so this has definitely been the largest stretch of time i've gone without writing here. i guess it begs the question: has my life been memorable enough to put down in words. on one hand yes, on the other, definitely not. a strange dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

let's see --- i'm trying to live a new life and be a new person here in baltimore and it's happening for me. i finally have found a community within which i feel comfortable so i exercise that comfort. i go out to parties and concerts and try to be as visible as i can. there's no reason for me to stay locked up in my basement. and i've definitely found a few people that i have really connected with which is so exciting. i don't feel quite so alone. however, i have come to a crossroads musically. on the one hand i'm getting better and better every day and on the other, i have to go back to the basics because there's so much internal stuff to fix and that makes me feel like i'm at square one. it just reminds me that i'm choosing the right path. i'm feeling so much love from the musicology department and things are crystallizing for me which is nice. don't get me wrong. the bassoon is my first love and i still want to teach and perform and be the best bassoonist i can be but it's just this: at app everyone wanted to be a secondary education teacher and i didn't want that. at queens everyone wanted to freelance and be a part of the NYC scene and i didn't want that. at peabody, everyone wants to have a ridiculous solo performing career and i don't want that either. i want to be me and do what i want to do and i've grown tired of trying to fit into other people's molds. so i have to make what i want to do work for me where i am.

there are not many places where you can learn to be a matriarch. :)

personally, i've been through a few conflicts in my life. first, a health scare and second, a reevaluation of just who i am. now that thats past, i'm looking over the relationship thing. i'm so comfortable being single just because i think it's easy. so says the introvert only child. but there are so many other things that i have to think about that i have to face (you know, stuff that requires a great deal of therapy) and i have to make the decision to face them. unfortunately for me, i've run into a lot of my past here in baltimore and it's been a challenge to move forward. but i'm doing it. speaking of, another conflict is that of what happens after all of this. i'm going home it's never been more clear to me. and i think i could be the only person around who would be unhappy if i didn't get into carolina and got into yale. i'm ready to be back home around my parents and happy. not that i'm doing badly here, it's a start (much better than new york) but the older i get the more nostalgic i become.

i wonder what gingerich would say about that. (schubert class reference, don't worry about it)

so in two weeks, PSO is playing at the kennedy center honors so watch for it on CBS. i plan on being back in new york in a couple of weeks...i don't know how that's going to work but you know it's worth a shot. :) i'll be home on tuesday and that's going to be amazing i can feel it. it's about time.

what has she written?

wow. i guess i didn't really do things during my undergrad i was posting in here non-stop. and to be honest, i didn't really have anything to talk about. i do now but i don't have time.

oh, the irony.

but it's friday night, i don't have school tomorrow (which is a rarity) so i figured i'd sit down and recollect.

i'm going to go on a rant for a little bit and you must forgive me but i totally agree with whoever says there can't be an intelligent designer when they could make things so imperfectly. i hate my body. i hate the fact that it can't do the simple things, like walking, without feeling that i'm going to need to go to the hospital. i hate feeing like i'm letting people down because i can't do what's asked of me. i couldn't play in my lesson today and even though my teacher insisted that i not play, i couldn't help feeling like a failure. i know that this is a very warped sense of reality and i am dealing with it accordingly but i wish i didn't have to be put in this situation in the first place.

on more down-to-earth news, two weeks till my fall break. i'm very excited...i should find out about my (new) car on monday. tomorrow is my very first orchestra concert at peabody. it's really occurring to me just how different my life is here. this ocncert is sold out. what? oh yeah. i think i could get used to this.

there isn't much very special going on in my life, i'm too busy for that but i'm hopeful.

can't you just come back for a couple of weeks?

just a quick little post to whittle away my last half hour at work.

i called the boss lady at work today. she and martha were very happy to hear from me. apparently, it's swamped in the office and they have no one to replace me (which saddens me, of course) they asked me how i was doing and if i had settled in. it was nice to hear their voices. lisa was like "i can't even imagine starting a new year without you...i need someone that i can, like, do stuff with." that job was a very important part of my life for almost four years. they became my family and that's not something that's easy to give up. i can't wait till i go back and see them. just watch, everything will have changed.

i really wish i could explain to others, and to myself, why i love my home state so much. it's something so uniquely american, i feel. i've just been mad digging on n.c. the past couple of weeks. going to obx inspired me, i think. that and when i invited all of my friends list to join "race for the states - north carolina" that they did! and after app state beat michigan, i felt like it was freaking christmas (i'm still talking about it and it was saturday) i don't know. no place beats home, anyone's home and that's a big part but i'll be damned --- i've been to a lot of places and none of them are as beautiful as north carolina.

we're all growing up, the way it's supposed to be.

long time, no see.

i've been absurdly busy over the past few weeks with my move to baltimore. that and starting at a new school had taken over my life but i'm finally at a point where i can at least write --- sit down, catch my breath. this is an entirely new experience for me. when i walk to the bus i take to school, i walk through these beautiful neighborhoods filled with painted lady row houses, hidden by trees saying in the breeze. i can't explain to you how different that is from a walk i used to take to achieve the same purpose. it's just so invigorating. but then again, so is the newness of everything. but honestly, as i sit here in my new room, i feel old hat at at least most of it. i'm just glad this isn't like five years ago. i don't feel lonely like i did when i moved to new york or when i moved to boone for that mater. i just feel good.

i realized the other night that this is the first time in a long time that i've been really stable. like i have nothing in my life to complain about. i'm not depressed and i feel really good about life and where it's going. did i just have to move out of new york to achieve all of that? i don't think so, but it helps. i've been calling people and reaching out to people and feels so nice. like why hold back? everyone, i'm cool with you. it's all good.

i am scared of what lies ahead. can i handle it? yeah but who knows how... but that is life. i'm not worrying about it too much.

the transition from summer into fall is, in my opinion, the best time of year (after the beginning of spring, of course) i wish it stayed this way all the time. now all i have to do is start playing and find me a relationship, oh yeah and buy a car, and i'll be set.

from murphy to manteo, city streets or a country mile.

so i've been noticeably absent --- traveling all over the place getting things ready for the big move. but it hasn't all been work. i just got back from a trip to the outer banks with a friend of mine and man oh man, was that what i needed. i'll break it down to you in a nutshell (aka, list form) as to why this trip was amazing:

- THE OUTER BANKS!
- at the beach during the hottest week on record
- sea kayaking with dolphins (at high tide no less)
- the wright brothers memorial at night
- walking along the beach at night with TONS of ghost crabs
- dairy queen and a putt-putt golf course with a train ride
- riding in the back (flatbed) of a truck to said dairy queen
- driving down 12 south
- jockey's ridge, the cape hatteras national seashore and the bodie island lighthouse
- real north carolina barbecue

it was jampacked and i didn't get much time to rest. so i should be resting now. and i will...i'm just having such a good time reminiscing. i mean i really love north carolina for those of you who don't know. it's just such an amazing place. i mean you know the saying...."you know how i know god's from north carolina? cause he made the sky tarheel blue."

it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.

"i rarely apologize because i seldom make any mistakes."

just a few random things seeing as how there's not much going on in my life (except getting a job :) and looking for a new place to live) and i have no real social commentary:

well for starters, i think i just ruptured my eardrum, or am about to. when i was 18, my eardrum ruptured in my sleep and i woke up in the morning covered in blood. i had irreversible hearing loss. yeah, that sucked. (sorry, i told you this was random) no matter how often i drive/walk around, i will never get over how awesome it is to be in raleigh where everyone says "hi". some people may not understand just how valuable that is but i like being able to talk to be on the street or that when i call up my pharmacy, go to the bank or order food, the person on the other side calls me "baby" or "darling" in the way only a southerner can (all three of those things happened to me today) why anyone would ever want to leave that is beyond me.

i love going through my library and discovering new things. right now i'm listening to bernstein's MASS and i hadn't really listened to it after i had gotten it. and of course, i totally love it. listening to the responsory, i could just imagine doing this with the jazz vocal ensemble at app or a handful of people from v/e. but i can't start thinking about v/e and all of the wonderful things i could do with them cause i'll get really sad (damn you hamish maccunn part songs!) and i've been listening to britten's the turn of the screw like a fiend. i mean how powerful is the line "the ceremony of innocence is drowned". holy moly. and all of this after listening to hours of handel today (i watched rodelinda on ovation which was four hours long, fell asleep during the last fifteen minutes and didn't find out what happened so i had to watch it all over again) that's a lot of music.

well like i mentioned above, i got a job working at peabody as a lab assistant. not much but it pays the bills. and next week, i'll be going up to baltimore to find a place to live. so then i'll have something interestant to write about, i hope.

well, i don't envy you at all.

it is very difficult to explain to someone why you would choose a school whose tuition is $45,000 with no scholarship than one who gave you 90% of your expected tuition. it's even harder to hear it come out of your own mouth and make the justification. but i did it and as much as i sometimes agonize over my decisions, i know that they are the right ones. i have the support of my parents (which means more to me than just about anything else), my teacher and all of my friends.

i gave up a teaching position, relative financial stability and a virtually easy degree program to take a risk. so many people have told me that it's only the risk takers that truly achieve great success. i am willing to lose everything to gain everything. but god damn, if that's not the scariest thing in the world. some people may think that this is not really a risk but the smartest decision i could make. well, that might be true but the thing is, i don't know what's going to come on the other side of this. and giving up your stability and letting go of your comfort zone. that's a fucking big risk.

but hey, i'm a fighter.

oh come now, so much modesty.

this morning while i was eating breakfast, i watched a very interesting episode of babar.

yes, babar, the show about the elephants.

anyway, babar was telling his son a story about when he was a young king and how the great leopold, "the greatest pianist of our generation" was coming to celesteville. well babar was going to give a speech but was so transfixed by a piece that the old lady was playing and decided that, not only did he want to learn how to play the piano and that song, but that he was going to welcome the great leopold with a concert. (and yes, they get around the fact that he's an elephant and doesn't have fingers) now he has four weeks to do this and he gives up all of his spare time to practice. of course, that plan goes awry (and one who was a kid and had to practice will attest to that) and at the end of the four weeks and after countless nightmares, is not able to perform the piece. but with the old lady's help, he plays the only piece he knows how, "baa baa black sheep", which just happens to be a similar theme in haydn's surprise symphony, one of the great leopold's favorite pieces.

now the theme of this story is to take on tasks you are prepared to handle, but of course i saw it as an ode to practicing, or lack thereof. i mean, how do you teach a child (or anyone for that matter) to practice? it's hard. it took me a very long time to understand really how to practice and now i love to do it because i've seen the results. but i remember being 12 and not really having the best experience. there was a moment in the show where all of the notes blurred together and babar sort of had sheet music tunnel vision. i laughed cause that still happens to me. you practice for more than two hours and its 2:05 in the morning and you sort of lose your grip on reality and your own sanity.

but it made me laugh and i need laughs nowadays. babar was always a great show.

let golden sleep charm your star-brighter eyes.

ignore the time. i have an absolutely valid reason for being awake at this time. i'm about to get on a plane leaving for home (about meaning an hour and a half) and this is usual fare for me so it's all good. moving on.

completing a task is amazing. everything with queens college is finally squared away and i feel like i can leave with no worries or concerns. of course, there's always my paranoia that i didn't cross some t or dot some i but that's not happening. there's too much at stake. but it's nice to feel like you've accomplished something. on a distant yet related topic, i kind of feel bad when people in new york say, "well you'll be back to visit." they haven't known me for very long. i have no reason to come back so why would i? people say family. i pretty much have no desire to visit my family now or at any time in the future. and i rarely go out of the way to visit friends. didn't people see me tying up loose ends? (like take the fact that i asked my ex to lunch, he wasn't in town but he told me to call him when i came back to visit. i laughed for the sole reason that me coming back was not happening) i can count on one hand hand the people i have gone to visit while in college and two of those people live in north carolina. it's nothing personal, i just know how i am. and i love the people here greatly and i will be back...eventually. but it's nothing personal. and why does no one ever visit me? (well that's not true. those same people who i went to visit have all stayed with me in new york) if they want to see me so bad, they can get on the train for three hours and see me in baltimore. their call.

is it bad to love the line "hath eased you and pleased you"? it's more like eeeeeeased you and pleeeeeeeased you. it makes me think terrible thoughts. thanks, peter warlock. and i've said it once, but i'll say it again. ian bostridge's the english songbook is one of the best albums i own. it's a "listen all the way through" album. it'll go on my list with stevie nicks' bella donna and a whole bunch of albums to which i can listen to every track. brilliant.

and on an even more distant topic, i just heard a cover of pink's get this party started by shirley bassey. and i dare say, it might just be the most genius thing i've ever heard.

north carolina yields to south carolina?

happy fourth of july, mes amis américains! it's been a pretty low-key holiday for me considering my history but it was rainy here in new york so i wasn't really inspired to go out. so instead, i stayed in watching all thirteen episodes of the revolution on the history channel and the inevitable law and order marathon. 'twas a beautiful thing. but it hasn't been all fun and games. a lot of thinking being done. in a state of half-consciousness, listening to the history channel, i dreamt up my subconscious thoughts about america and this war and all of this nonsense. it went back to the beginning of the declaration of independence, of course. this work in progress that we call america is such a grand and valued experiment, necessary. it is not our place to toy with the power we've accrued over the past centuries. we are to grow and to never think that we've achieved some sort of invincibility. we are rebels, independent thinkers, brave and full of reason. let that continue to be our legacy. not...not this.

i'm sitting here watching one of my favorite musicals ever, 1776 and i had failed to realize till now just how relevant a piece of art it is. just listen to cool, considerate men and you can see just how eerie it is. at times this was always a hard musical for me to watch, especially when rutledge sings his aria about slavery. but nonetheless, it is compelling and moving. go watch it, everyone.

but that's enough of that for one day.

i hope you all had your fill of barbecue, fireworks and other flammable goodies, good music and whatever it is that you drink on these holidays. i'll save my standard forms of celebration for another day when i have the opportunity. did i mention that this is my favorite holiday? oh yeah.

zueignung

i realized something the other day as i was watching the english national ballet perform at wembeley stadium in the concert for diana: i could imagine people in the audience being annoyed at the fact that they had to watch ballet (maybe emasculating?) and as i was watching it, i was like, "boring. i've seen swan lake a BILLION times, you've got to be kidding me." me, the ballet enthusiast/lover/participant. then it came to me. everyone who thinks the arts are girly/pansy/boring/hoity-toity have never been to a rehearsal. if everyone could see the way we as artists rehearse, they would see things differently. they'd see things the way i see them.

rehearsals are rough.

there is a lot of sweating, cursing, pencil-erasing, yelling, laughing, etc. i think every dance rehearsal i've come back from, i've lost my nerve and hurt something/bled. every choral rehearsal i've ever had i've come back with some sort of hope for the future or utter disdain (depending on the choir) and every chamber music rehearsal, well, a lot of yelling takes place. and that's just the shit i do. go to an english national ballet rehearsal and see how hard they work. realize that every woman in there is made of lean muscle and could kick your ass if need be. do you think you could handle the gaggle of tyrannical conductors and their non-stop abuse? (and oh yeah, playing music is very physical. that's a whole different story) we rehearse for hours, late into the night with very little stopping. and there are not tuxes or fancy costumes. it's sweats, beat up jazz and pointe shoes and reading glasses. music in hand, pencils in hair, standing next to the barre, it's on.

maybe if that's what we as a whole saw, the intensity, emotion, work and sheer force, opinions would change. whether that matters or not is another story.

and msnbc has just announced that beverly sills has passed away. it was just the other day that i found out that she was sick. not only was she an amazing talent, she was a powerhouse on the new york arts scene. she will be missed. and fuck you msnbc for butchering her name. check your shit.

there's a red moon out tonight low on the horizon. sad night here in the city.

our anxieties about life and the passing of time and our emotional life … love lost.

so just an update on the adapter situation from yesterday...so my adapter shorted out for like five minutes. so now i have an adapter that works and another on the way. i couldn't be more furious. but we have to look at the upsides, right? and the upside is, this adapter is on the way out and as soon as this one comes, i'm going to stop using this flimsy apple adapter. my god, you'd think they'd know better.

my teacher called me today from her new house upstate. she had been meaning to call me all week to say thank you for the card i wrote her. she told me how incredibly sweet it was and that it moved her. and she read it out loud to her husband who was also moved. of course, i got choked up, as is my way. i'm ridiculously sentimental and i have a tendency to make adults cry (which only leads to me crying and it's a whole vicious cycle) so this is par for the course for me. apparently, people don't thank her --- at all. that surprised me. everyone i talk to loves her. but whatever to them, i definitely let her know how much of an impact she's had on me over the past four years. so of course after we talked and she talked about keeping in touch, i let out this faux cry/whine to which she laughed. she sounded a little sad, though. but she doesn't have time to be sad, she's too busy.

so yes, i changed the layout, color-wise. it was getting a little too dark for me and i usually end up gravitating towards white for my blogs. greater color palette, i suppose. i really should change the song (not that i don't love v/e's recording of the saint-saens), to what i don't know. and the screenshot isn't even right. yikes.

the floor lay paved with broken hearts

you know, apple, i'm really not happy with you right now. yes, the iPhone came out today, we are all aware. but playing the commercials every 30 seconds does not make me any more able to buy it than before. but that's not even why i'm angry. i'm angry because my notebook adapter just shorted out and the replacement costs $80! i'm tired of giving you my money on replacement stuff. thank god there are non apple brands for this sort of thing so i'm buying one that's more than half of yours. if stuff like this keeps adding up...

oh yeah, another thing. itunes store? don't offer only some of the tracks from an album and not all. i went to buy the tracks i was missing from britten's the turn of the screw and i was missing the last track from disc one, the one i had been LONGING to get (oh ian bostridge, even the reviews talk about how seductive you are --- even if in this case it's a thinly veiled description of someone's homosexual overtures towards boys wrapped up in james' guise of evil from beyond the grave) and i have to buy the whole album to get that track. are you kidding me? i'm on the fence about all of this.

moving away from the corporate, i've been talking a lot to people about (them) moving out of new york. too many blackouts. not enough trees. it does me good, partly because i think i'm ready to go. i think as you become an adult, the more stability you crave. i refuse to believe that new york can ever be stable. and that's not a bad thing, just my opinion. good thing north carolina is always waiting for me.

and yes, there are other reasons to leave new york. i'm reminded of this every single day. i went out to the island last night and had an encounter with a beautiful man. of course that did not come to fruition in any way imaginable. it just wasn't possible. i was in bay shore and i wasn't white, blonde and wearing a skirt. i wasn't meant to be.

okay, i should shut off my computer before it completely dies on me.

Dann sternlose Nacht, sei willkommen.

oh, there's so much i've wanted to say over the past three days or so i don't even know where to begin. let's see if i can put this into some kind of coherent order.

yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.

continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.

friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.

the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?

i've grown tired of [t]his puppyhood.

well it's day three of the institute and things have made a turn for the better. i really like my group --- the three high school boys are really great and cute, you know, eager. and lauren, the flautist is a riot. great flute player. i'm really starting to sink into my role as "assistant" and my ego is definitely more in check...

"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."

cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.

today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.

i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)

okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!

did you say that i was nice? and studious? and pretty!

i have to get over the fact that we all have to and want our egos to be stroked. it's subconscious, i think. me being a musician makes it even worse and i don't know how to feel. maybe i should just acknowledge it and move on and have that be the best thing. it's really not as serious as it sounds, folks! i started the NYU summer institute for wind quintet and chamber music today. i've been doing it for the past four years and i've loved it. i was especially happy to do it this time considering this is the last time i will be able to...i get to spend time with great musicians and of course my wonderful teacher and her equally wonderful quintet. we were placed in our quintets and the piece my quintet is working on is one of the danzi quintets. and what do i do? i get upset (internally) because someone else is playing the ligeti and the francaix blah blah blah. i know how silly it was of me to get that way. i was asked to play not just because they needed a bassoonist but because they know me and my chamber music experience. i'm playing in a group that doesn't have as much experience and i'm there to help them out which i LOVE. but no, all of that got lost in my ego. well after a nice ride on the train, i think i set my self straight. i thought about how great i felt after working with my mendelssohn trio and then i just realized i was being silly. and the worst part is, i know it's from insecurity. the fact that i'm always trying to prove myself. "yeah, i can play that music, too." i don't know why its still in me. i know how good i am. people respect me. old habits die hard, i guess.

on the happier side of things, the institute is going to be great. my friend sam is there along with some other people i know. everyone there seems really excited. i hate that i'm going to be so separated from them due to summer school but i'll do what i can. and of course, laura never lets me down. i love her and i'm not ready to leave her! i hope to have a great experience, i really do. i know i can be off-putting (shock of shocks) but i'm here to learn like everyone else.

ugh, could i get any more sappy/motivational poster-ish?

wow, now that i've vented all of that, i feel like i don't have anything else to say. i think there will be more as the week progresses...that and an update from the q (marvin hamlisch) gala, make music new york and the close of the new york phil season: mahler 9, deborah voight conducted by maazel. oh yeah. happy father's day!

what have you done for me lately?

so my alarm didn't go off this morning (or i didn't hear it) and i was sleeping, too busy dreaming about the release of leopard os 10.5 (and someone giving me an 17" apple cinema display for free) and when i woke up and went immediately to macthemes and macrumors, i realized that i've been spending too much time on the forums talking to developers and programmers.

i know i've mentioned about being a nerd here --- i don't think people really understand how deep it goes. i was out with some of my friends the other day and i was talking about way back in the day when my first computer was a tandy and i was typing out all of this dos stuff on a black screen. what a childhood.

there's nothing like learning about human nature and the state of your society as a whole by being in school, namely a political science class. and not because of what's being taught but because of what's coming out of people's mouth. i should learn to stop being so surprised at what people say. sometimes i worry. sometimes i'm amazed at the things that i don't know (which of course saddens me), i'm never amazed at what other's don't know (which also saddens me) and i mean i guess that's what college is for blah blah blah but i really wonder.

going back to the beginning of this post for a hot sec, i got my graduation present --- a new battery for my laptop. i know that sounds silly but it's making my life so much easier right now i can't even tell you. and i'm watching free stuff hoping that maybe just once in my life i could get some free stuff. maybe that's what my dream was for! i'll update you on that one.

in other very random not-tech news, the real world (mtv not the actual real world) is ridiculous. i used to be an overly dramatic person, like to the point of sheer mania. thanks to experience and some people with a knack for tough love (and being jackasses) i grew out of it. to think that people could be that dramatic is beyond words to me, like serious. how do people make it through life acting in such a way? oh yeah, i guess by being on tv.

and i would have no problem having dinner with an ex. it shows a certain level of maturity. and though i hate to admit it, my exes are all pretty good good guys...

those of you who know how i talk and my sense of humor will understand that immediately. and for those who don't, i'm being serious, just with a smile on my face.

just one moment, good people.

one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.

okay, on to the rant.

so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.

but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?

so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.

see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?

no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.

okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.

but an unconstant lover is worse than any thief.

is it possible for a song to make you feel in love?

new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.

with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.

but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.




(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)

your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.

this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.

as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.

but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.

right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.

don't you believe it's worth something?

i guess there's something to be said for formality and ceremony. it can bring out the best (and the worst) in people, but we're going to focus on the good stuff.

today was my commencement ceremony and i will say, the actual commencement --- shoot me in the face. it was HOT beyond belief and the whole host of speakers really let me down. siri sounded fantastic singing the national anthem, of course. and my quartet's rendition of the alma mater "blue and silver" was apparently, 'the best ever sung'. but the thing that got me took place after commencement. there was a music majors brunch and all my faculty were there and my classmates and it got me, you know, emotional because they have been my one point of inspiration throughout this quagmire and they are worth talking about, praising and missing. oh man, i have got to stop with this.

so now...pictures!


i love this picture. me with two of my favorite professors (and people) in the world, prof. john (l) and prof. oates (r)


the alma mater quartet


my theatre kids

if you'd like to see more (and there are more) you can go here. i'm going to look back on this as something special, i know it. you know when i was finally on my way out of the building, my professors started to get like sad that i was leaving, like that's the last that they'll see of me. no way, just ask the mac. you'll see this face again.

a perfect world begins and ends with us.

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.

this gives me faith for the future.

talk about an extra-musical experience.

i have to write about this because it gripped me so fiercely. the preparatory school where i work gave a chamber music concert with all of the chamber groups. i was in a group and we played mendelssohn. it went very well, i'm proud of them. me, however, could have been better but that's neither here nor there. the last group played shostakovich's string quartet no. 8 and it was mindblowing. these are high schoolers, on the young side and the ferocity and energy with which they played was infectious. now i must mention that i take on all of these kids as my own (which makes this even more fantastic) and hearing them play filled me with such pride. not just them but all of the groups that performed today. like i told one of my co-workers, it makes me happy about my chosen profession.

so yes, my kids are amazing. and shostakovich is fucking metal. and nothing in the world could make me happier.

i think i should lock the door.

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.

Si je dois reparaître, au jour fixè devant toi, ne m'accuse pas, pleure - moi! Pleure - moi!

so regarding the previous post...it encompasses many things, things for which i wasn't even prepared. the original intention of the statement was to imply that i'm not necessarily made for anything else anymore. sometimes i'm barely a musician, i feel. but i guess i was just exhausted from school and all of these people asking things from me.

but let's talk about the good side to this comment (yes, there is one) i was on my way to call for the vocal ensemble concert tonight and this woman stopped me in the hallway. she said, "i know you don't know me but i was at the [wind ensemble] concert and i just wanted to tell you that you're one of the most amazing bassoonists i've ever seen." and she went on to tell me that her daughter used to play bassoon and her friend next to her is a music teacher and she said the same thing. she asked me if i was getting offers and she was just so amazed at how good i was. i was just so shocked after she said all of this to me. that's the stuff i live for. i mean honestly, it really means a lot to me and i told her so. its moments like that remind me that maybe somewhere along the way, i made the right choice.

i'm not in my right mind right now...i've just ended a great love affair with my vocal ensemble. like with any love affair, there were fights, some disappointment but in the end, they have my heart. and they know it. so now i'm just going to sit and reflect and cry a little more. i'm such a girl.

i've gone past swallowing my pride

all i ever claimed to be was a musician. that was all...
[more on this to follow]

this queasy view of the future.

i know i said i wouldn't do this but i was so struck by this when i read it that i had to write it somewhere.

"ah, this is the constitution," he said. "now mark my words. so long as we are a young and virtuous people, this instrument will bind us together in mutual interests, mutual welfare, and mutual happiness. but when we become old and corrupt, it will bind us no longer."

ron chernow, alexander hamilton

the lord will fight for you, just be still.

right now i'm watching the trial of darryl hunt on HBO, something that i was excited about watching when i first heard about it. watching it, however, hurts my heart. it's about a rape and murder trial that took place in winston-salem in 1984. anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about my home state. it hurts to know just what kind of racism and injustice existed(s) there. also, watching the judicial system fail time and time again also hurts. but it's an ugly truth, which of course is not something i like to admit.

on a much more pleasant note, i got accepted to northwestern today. unfortunately, i had to turn them down seeing as how i sent in my deposit to peabody (i really didn't want to wait until today, i thought it would be way too late) but it was hard for me because i hate to say no. they seemed very enthused and i told cory wikan (head of graduate admissions) how much i loved the school. i really would have considered them had i had time to think about it. but i was down to the wire and i was not going to let peabody go.

my mother asked me if my friends were mad at me for getting into all of these grad schools. i laughed (only my mother could ask that question) and i told her no...we all want the best for each other. but after i talked to my parents, i went to my office and cried only because these results seem so unfathomable to me. but even more than that, these acceptances are proof that all of my hard work, agony and suffering have not been in vain. its the only thing that makes me happy, to be completely honest. i have worked damn hard and i am the LAST person to call myself deserving (because of my severe lack of self-esteem...another story) but i work because this is the thing that runs through my veins. do yo know what that feels like? does anyone? do i, honestly? do i understand the working of my own heart that sends blood through my own body? it's like that. it is involuntary and lifegiving.

if i think about it, i'll just continue to cry so i won't.

if there are noises...

so before i get to the task of writing my behemoth of an art history paper (maybe i won't go to math?) i figured i'd put a few things down to get me in the writing mood.

people continuously surprise me. in a positive way, of course but still. i will give you some examples (hopefully no one will attack me for this later) today after my choir concert in the city (which was fantastic by the way) a whole bunch of us went to the bar and had some drinks/ate dinner. there was a moment when i was standing next to my ex-boyfriend and our hands touched. this is meaningless to this story, honestly. i flinched, he flinched, whatever. but as we all left, he reached out to hug me. we hugged and i called him darling. again, this means nothing but it was comforting in a way. i'd like to think that i'm tying up loose ends. in that same vein, my other two exes (well the other recent ones) had contacted me in some way today. again, random, out of the blue and surprising.

i feel bad for disliking bad musicians. let me clarify --- bad musicians with nasty attitudes. i feel i just need to get that out there. but to be honest, being surrounded by amazing musicians who don't take themselves too seriously makes up for it.

(and if this is the blog she reads, i just want to give a shout out to oboist toyin spellman from the imani winds who found me by accident --- the story was very funny as it was told to me and i hope you enjoy my little tales of adventure and intrigue)

these past couple of weeks have been murder and will continue to be for quite some time. as much as i hate it, it's pretty much necessary. this week is the last week of my internship so i have to make up a lot of work to finalize everything. on top of that, this massive copying job for choral society has to be finished by the end of this week, blah blah blah. it's the same usual thing so i'm not going to sit here and whine. remember, i only wrote so i could get ready to talk about leger and synthetic cubism.

and i think that's my cue.

when music and lights are gone and we're saying goodbye.

with the flood of negativity that seems to have swept everything, it's good to remember how good life can be.

last night, i went out with a handful of friends to celebrate our friend and our professor's respective birthdays. a great time was had by all, laughter and genuine love. i find those moments are few and far between, but when they happen --- magic! i've actually been lucky enough to have had a few of those in the past couple of weeks. the time spent with my high school orchestra conductor last weekend was time i will treasure for the rest of my life (she has a very special place in my heart, one of those teachers/people who really impacts one's life) working with my "kids" in opera studio is great as well. i try to bring a little levity to italiana, if that's at all possible. and tomorrow night, i'll be out on the town celebrating another birthday and i'm very excited. i don't really go out too much but i need it.

i came to the decision that come hell or high water, i am getting out of here, here meaning queens college, new york, whatever! i don't care if i have to take all four summer sessions, it is getting done. i don't know how i got to this memory, but i was thinking about my graduation recital and a conversation i had with my parents. they told me that right after i had finished, my teacher came up to them and said, "she can do whatever she wants in life. there's nothing she can't do." and i cried. at the time, i didn't realize people believed in me in quite that way. and when i got home today, i got a letter from ACSM in regards to the awards ceremony and the school of music graduation ceremony after commencement. it was a form letter, of course, but where it said "dear ms. mosley:" it was crossed out and my name was written over it. that was from my director. there are several graduates. mine was hand addressed and hand signed.

yeah.

so it's on. i'm not going to be depressed any more. i'm more determined than i ever was. and that's a pretty nice feeling. but along with all of that is the total exhaustion i'm feeling in regards to all of this extra work i'm doing but that's nothing new.

and speaking of the awards ceremony...once again, i can't attend. why? because i have a performance down the street. even though i love people telling me how awesome i am, i'm a musician 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i mean, isn't that what "bachelor of music in performance" means, anyway?

in other news, thank god for spring! it took long enough for it to get here. i was all alone in the office today so i did my work for prof. john and part of that was going to staples and kinko's (oh and i am never going to staples again) and i decided to walk back to work. on the way, i did a little reminiscing...i went to a certain haagen-dazs on 72nd and amsterdam and thought about plans i had made not too long ago. surprisingly enough, it made me smile. because luckily for me, i still have the brooklyn bridge, it's not going anywhere, and i may have the opportunity to cross over it yet.

it will allow you to see them with fresh, clear eyes.

my goodness, world, so much is going on and i don't think i can touch on it all with any sort of accuracy or relevancy.

my thoughts on va tech? first, i thought of my friends who are at the university and those who are recent alumni. they are fine, much to my relief. but after that, where do you begin? so much emotion --- sadness, grief, confusion. i've tried not to think about it too much in the days passing because so many conflicts arise within me, maybe those should be discussed i don't know. but it causes so much upheaval...tis a strange place.

my personal life is not salvaging very well but i haven't come here to whine about it. i know what i have to do to get it together, so get it together i shall.

right now a very good friend of mine is dealing with a very difficult crisis and it is only becoming more and more complicated and it only makes me wonder...what is it about ourselves that allows us to put ourselves through such pain? every time we talk, i always tell her that i'm speaking from experience. i have gone through everything she is going through and how. you'd think we care about ourselves more. i don't know. i wish she'd see that this is only one singular moment in time, one that will not define her whole life. it took me a long time to come to that realization.

this time of year brings it out in people, i swear. i have a lot on my plate, that is certain. but when is that never true?

we are building ourselves a glass house.

okay, i guess it's my turn to weigh in on this whole don imus controversy. i don't really feel it's necessary (as my opinion is a drop in a colossal bucket) but it's just i have to get it out or i may just explode. so here it goes.

when i originally heard his comments, my reaction was small if any. i didn't take it too seriously (i have known about imus and have listened to him off and on for years now --- thanks ms. newmark) i did think "oh, well that was unnecessary." but that was about it. i can definitely understand why the women of the lady scarlet knights would be offended and ask for an apology (or at least an explanation) and i felt that was owed to them. what did they do to deserve that? that have no impact on any sort of social commentary (they're not famous NBA athletes, etc. they're just women in college playing college ball) i hoped that it would be resolved in that way and let the powers that be determine the fate of the players involved.

but no, that was not to be. people in the african-american community felt it necessary to say a lot of things. and then the rock that rolled down the mountain went from a snowball to an avalanche. that's all i heard on TV and in the papers and all i could think about was "who are you to comment on this?", i mean honestly. if you're outraged by this man's comments, that is your right. if you want to do something about it, it is your right as well. people, however, were acting as if someone slapped their mother. just because you're offended doesn't mean that i have to be offended as well and that your opinion has to determine the fate of a man who hasn't done anything that, unfortunately, scores of people have not done and do on a daily basis (i.e., use the airwaves to say what could be considered by some/most as "hate speech", derogatory and plain stupid comments) we're making examples now of people who choose to be ignorant in their thought process? because it's more public than most?

and the thing that gets me the most was listening to the president of the nbc news department regarding the removal of the simulcast on msnbc. it was evident that he didn't want to do it. he caved under the pressure not only from activism but sponsorship withdrawal. and if the only reason he feels it's necessary to remove the show is for those reasons and not because he feels some moral obligation to do so (meaning msnbc does not represent these sentiments) then really, what are we doing? what is the point that's being made? don imus is not off of the air because he's being held accountable for his actions --- he's off the air because his actions (and the ridiculous response to those actions) have given his bosses no choice. now maybe that would be the impetus for others who speak in this way not to do so but somehow i doubt it. why? because i know who controls the media. and those people have nothing to fear.

the media response to this was intolerable. i do not care about john mccain's opinion or barack obama's opinion or anyone else for that matter. the only people i listened to were the women on this team and they astounded me with their level of understanding, dignity and composure. i have been told that now, they are receiving death threats due to imus' removal. they don't deserve any of this and the media has guaranteed that this incident will be a deep scar for the rest of their lives. everyone in the press owes them an apology as well.

the timing of this and the acquittal of the duke lacrosse players could not be more perfect. for those who don't live in north carolina, more so, the triangle area can not possibly understand how divisive this ordeal was. it played on the race relations that have served as a constant problem in my hometown. it was volatile. and these same people who demanded so much from don imus in the press, went to the press to condemn these young men. and it was the press and use of the press that blew this up WAY out of proportion (note: any rape case is serious but this sort of thing, unfortunately happens everywhere all the time --- it was due to the people involved, who they were, i.e. rich white boys of prestige and a young black woman, that started this whole nonsense) and no one's taking any sort of responsibility for that. my town deserves an apology. but no one will talk about that, will they?

as a young black woman, i do feel the comments were inexcusable. but my feelings don't mean a thing. only the feelings of the young women involved --- for them, this was personal. the "divisiveness" that exists in america is constantly being exploited by pundits and figures of power whether they know it or not. honestly, i don't feel that split is a real thing, or was a real thing. we all disagree on many issues. but if anyone wants to make it real, it's those in the media and i'm tired of it. do you're job, inform me. do not make this a bully pulpit where anyone can say what they wish and we as the american people have to pay for it in one way or another.

this goes out to all of the al sharptons, don imuses, and anyone else out there. take your bait somewhere else.

self-professed, profound//till the chips were down.

today, i asked my friend charlie, along with others, if they ever have days where they feel like no matter how much they try, they can't get anything to work out and they feel like a failure at life. his response?

"um, you mean every day?"

at least that made me laugh. i'm just overwhelmed as usual with little things that scare the nonsense out of me. if i think about it now, i'll cry and i'd rather not do that so that's the end of that conversation.

i got a letter from hartt today telling me what i already knew --- that i didn't get a spot in the performance 20/20 program. it does help the decision i'm already making but trust me, i understand how hard it is for a sane person to turn down $15,000. and i'm far from sane.

i have a great urge to shout my feelings about certain things from the rooftops but alas, i have no roof. i don't even have a home. and it's eating away at me because, much to my and other's dismay, i have to vocalize everything. that's why i have all of these outlets, hoping someone will hear. hopefully, the right one. but then again, for those of you who've known me for the long haul know that this consistently gets me into trouble!

what can i say, i'm a glutton for punishment.

smiling faces, beautiful places

this post serves two purposes:

1) i am amazed at how prophetic/foolish i can be. shortly after i wrote the previous post yesterday evening, i received word from my grandmother in new york that i had been accepted at the peabody institute at johns hopkins university. i was beyond emotional. i laid in my parents' bed and wept. i'm still in shock right now and i fear i will be every day until i get there.

that's right. despite the fact that i received no scholarship money, i will be attending school there in the fall. this is my dream. as i told my parents, my only goal in life is to do what i love. i never thought in a million years that it would become a reality. even typing this is difficult. amazing, but difficult.

these are signs to me that i am worthy of all that i've wished for and believed in and believed myself to be. you have no idea how hard that is for me to accept --- that i am worthy of such great things. all i know is the work i do. it is my life.

2) another thing in regards to my future:



this is one of the many pictures i took while i was in savannah this past week. this town is everything i imagined it to be. i asked my mother if she could envision me living there and she said of course. it is filled with history and beauty and of course, happy southern people. i felt nothing but warmth and pleasantness. i miss all of those things so desperately. it's really the only life i know. moving back to baltimore is a step in the right direction --- these are things in life that i feel are important. raising my kids in a town where they can run barefoot in the woods and teach my students on beautiful clear days.

who knew such dreams were possible?

for you i was a flame.

i wanted to wait until tomorrow to write when i return to new york because i wanted to post my beautiful pictures but i suppose you wouldn't mind two entries back to back, eh? plus i have a lot to write about, it seems.

there's been so much in my mind bouncing around, i don't know where to start exactly. i went on vacation with my mother to hilton head island/savannah. it was great at first and then when we went to the library i checked my email only to see that i had received an email from julie at NYCO. to make a long story short, i'm pretty sure i'm about to lose my job. and i don't blame them if they fire me but after this was a sort of ripple effect. over my vacation, i became extremely depressed. moreso than any time recently. i mean here i was, sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean thinking about how i singlehandly, in one month's time, had lost what i thought was a friend, lost a boyfriend, lost a job and been rejected from two colleges. the key word is lost here because not only was to lose as a verb a factor but lost as an adjective very much plays a part. i feel lost. i'm so worried about graduating and where i'm going to go to school and making sure i take care of EVERYTHING that it kind of overwhelmed me. i had been putting all of those feelings off during cinderella but now i had nothing but time.

but that's not surprising.

and this is way too personal to be honest and i'm sure that none of you care. (this is NOT livejournal, imani) the point is, i went to a funeral yesterday of a childhood family friend and it kind of sobered me up a bit. i don't want people to say that i worried myself to death. i'm not ashamed to admit that i also thought about things that i don't want to think about but no worries. i love my life and i'm trying to make the best of it. who knew these past five years would turn me into such a crazy person?

on verrouilla le ciel [if one could bolt the sky]

one small diatribe before i get on with the business of catching up: we are (or at least i am) musicians. part of our job as musicians is keeping our craft alive by performing new works. now granted, not all new works are going to be good. i think we as students of the western art music school are tricked into believing that all music that precede us is great music. wrong! there were plenty of mediocre and bad composers who wrote bad and mediocre music. thankfully, time has done what it always does and will continue to do so, in this generation and others. but we can't be the ones to decide by not performing works. so whatever you may think about a piece that you may be working on, keep it to yourself and understand the service you are doing.

i could go on about this but that would be getting into the personal and i don't want to do that. in other news, cinderella has taken over my life. but that's a beautiful thing, as it always is. go here to check out beautiful pictures from my ridiculous cast. but you can imagine how tired this would make, which it is.

i think spring makes people crazy. everyone is going out of their way to make other people's lives more problematic. i am trying to stay out of it as much as i can but god knows i have my own problems to deal with (more on that at iweepforwonder.livejournal.com --- if you care) and it's just more reassurance that i need to get out of here.

so everyone's getting rejections from grad schools, including myself. it's tiresome, no doubt but it's life. amazingly enough, i'm doing much better than others in similar situations. granted, i'm sure i have some sort of an edge given the instrument i play but you know it's doing as much harm as it is good. at this point, it's two out of four and you know what? that ain't so bad, kids.

...god opens a window.

i hate that saying but i suppose sometimes it proves true. and trust me, that is not an easy thing for me to admit (i absolutely HATE being cliché) this weekend my romantic relationship ended after almost seven months and as sad as that is (just because of the simple fact that most if not all endings are sad) in the same night, something wonderful happened. i finally got in touch with another one of my so-called 'little sisters', who i hadn't seen or talked to in a couple of years. even more surprising was that she found me on the same night through another medium. but what tops it off is the news that she has a daughter.

she is my window. and it is calming and joyful, not to mention a pleasantly unexpected birthday present.

if you want me to talk more about how i feel about the breakup, well, sorry. and it's not just because i don't really have much to say. i've grown over the years and i have learned to temper myself in the things that i say and the way in which i say them. i think i've done a good job keeping the greater part of this relationship out of the public's purvey and i owe it to him to continue to do so. he's a good person. i'm not the kind of girl who would put him on blast, as it were. not unless he deserved it. :)

i feel like the world would be a much place if people would be as professional, mature and ready as i am. on the stage that is, but i won't get into that. that's why people hire me and not other people.

two days till the big 2-3. let's hope its something worth celebrating.

assume the (dance) position.

insecurity can be a horrible thing. it can make you crazy. i criticize every move that i make because i'm insecure. i have always felt incapable of being loved so when i am in a relationship with someone, i get so paranoid trying to keep them. why am i paranoid? well i'm too crazy to be in a relationship, duh. and i hate these feelings because i'm so strong minded and strong willed. i think its because i'm trying to be the type of woman i think men want me to be when who i am is just fine.

this is why unlike other people i know (ahem) i can tolerate being single. its nervewracking being in a relationship, but its worth it.

putting someone's dirty laundry out on the street is also another terrible thing. so is lying to someone's face. but you know what, i've been all through that already and i have no desire to go through it again. let's just say that it is what it is (and i'm going down fighting)

aschenputtel, i mean, cendrillon, no, cenerentola...cinderella is going well and taking up all of my time. my dresses are amazing, i got new lines that are mad funny (funny because i say them) and i wonder if other people in the ensemble hate on me because everyone loves me. oh well. (repole gives me lines and confers with me, amanda tells me she trusts me and don't get me started on stephen...) this show has a long run and i don't know if i have it in me to do it without collapsing (especially how i have midterms coming up)

but all and all, i can't complain. i got fabulous news last night and i hope it keeps coming. one can only hope.

the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

queens college is obsessed upon keeping me. but i won't let them.

i went to the political science and english departments and hit some road bumps, respectively. it looks like i will be taking political science over the summer to replace the class i took in spring 2005 with which i'm comfortable --- i will still walk at commencement and receive my diploma. however, english will not be quite as easy. the chair was not there and will not be in till tuesday. so what did i do? i went to my adviser. :) prof. schober was incredibly helpful and made me feel so much better. i sat in his office for about 30 minutes or so just discussing my situation. his solution? take his water gun to the registrar's office and attack them. i told him that i thought that might make things worse but that's just me.

i feel much more secure. all i have to do is corral prof. stone (god knows how hard that will be) and then all will be well. although, it's very funny that on the checklist the school gave me...oh wait, never mind. to be honest, if i get accepted to schools in the next couple of weeks, i may not go through the trouble of changing those FINs that i received that spring...we shall see.

it's difficult for me to think about, just like my incoming grad school letters (that everyone tells me i shouldn't worry about --- you'd think if enough people way the same thing, you'd change your mind but not me!) i can't help but be so utterly pessimistic. but that doesn't stop the drive. i trudge through the muck and mire, if you will, to get to my goal. the days just get harder.

ugh, i need ice cream.

out like a lamb.

my first post for march, eh? time sure does fly.

march is and has always been an odd month for me. affectionately known as the month with no holidays, i commemorate a lot of things around this time. when i was in high school, this was always the busiest time for me by far. i'd be in a different city each weekend playing different concerts, always on the road. in a way, that much hasn't changed. i don't go quite as far but i'm still moving. and of course, the best part about march is my birthday. those who know me know that i'm a birthday nut. i think everyone should go crazy on their birthday and i've tried to live up to that. but since i turned eighteen it hasn't really been the case. i will spend this upcoming birthday in tech for cinderella, just like i've spent the last four birthdays in tech/performing for orpheus descending, hansel and gretel, and the pajama game.

but really i take time to reflect.

my best friend was killed days before my eighteenth birthday and i can not begin to explain how that has impacted my life. every year i've tried to honor her in some way, knowing that she would want me to go out and get my party on. i had to learn that she was so full of life --- to love her was/is to do the same.

so a lot is on my mind and on my plate. but honestly, when is that not the case? so to all of you who will be on spring break over the upcoming weeks, fuck you. but no, seriously --- enjoy it. i'm sure it will be cold and raining wherever you go. take lots of pictures and be sure to send a little birthday/vernal equinox love my way.

i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.


i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.

Meinem Groβeltern möchten der Fernsehen einschalten aus dasselbe Kanal.

people who know me know that there are a few things that i am fiercely passionate about: the constitution, barbecue/pigs, chamber music...you get the idea. but one thing that i have a serious love for is the wind ensemble. you all may think that stupid of me but i've found myself on the defensive end especially moving to new york trying to convert people and make them see that, i don't know, it's an art form just like all the other types of classical music. i mean, you don't have to like it (by al means) but don't disrespect to my face the thing that has inspired my musical growth. i know that new york is all about the conservatory and symphonic music but my god, this is one of the most american art forms i can think of --- if anything, it has supported so many great american musicians/composers/conductors over the years. it's such an amazing vessel.

and the last thing i'll say is this: i can tell you the occasions upon which i have cried either playing or listening to a piece of classical music but i can NOT tell you how many times a wind ensemble piece has stirred my very soul. i have had moments.

i know it's been a while since i've written here. my life has been caught up around a lot of things and to be honest, i've just been too emotionally distraught to talk about things which is heady i know but that's how i get sometimes. but there have been little snippets of good here and there --- marc goldberg just emailed me about meeting him and having a lesson before my audition next week and i got notification in the mail from the registrar about filing for graduation. plus, when i told my boyfriend i needed a hug, he gave me a hug. can't get much better than that.

i don't know how the next couple of weeks are going to be, it's almost to the point of fearful but i can't psych myself out about it. who knew all of this would be so hard?

the most beautiful place on earth.

i had an interview at new york city opera today. i went in through the stage door at the new york state theater (home of city opera and new york city ballet) but that's another story. i am often at lincoln center but every now and then i go stand at the fountain in the middle and go "damn, this place is amazing."

now it's not just because i'm a musician blah blah blah. the architecture there is simply gorgeous. and if you want to see it at its best, and presumably, new york at its best, go to the fountain during the summer in the mid afternoon. kids playing in the fountain, people running around and taking pictures, beautiful blue skies above...you can't beat it. now i do feel the same way about other fountains and other parks in the city, i.e. washington square park but go to lincoln center and you know, you just know. any time of the year, any time of day (oh, ESPECIALLY at night when the met is all lit up) it evokes a feeling of wonder and elegance that i think is really unmatched anywhere in the city.

but that might just be me. ;)