the lord will fight for you, just be still.

right now i'm watching the trial of darryl hunt on HBO, something that i was excited about watching when i first heard about it. watching it, however, hurts my heart. it's about a rape and murder trial that took place in winston-salem in 1984. anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about my home state. it hurts to know just what kind of racism and injustice existed(s) there. also, watching the judicial system fail time and time again also hurts. but it's an ugly truth, which of course is not something i like to admit.

on a much more pleasant note, i got accepted to northwestern today. unfortunately, i had to turn them down seeing as how i sent in my deposit to peabody (i really didn't want to wait until today, i thought it would be way too late) but it was hard for me because i hate to say no. they seemed very enthused and i told cory wikan (head of graduate admissions) how much i loved the school. i really would have considered them had i had time to think about it. but i was down to the wire and i was not going to let peabody go.

my mother asked me if my friends were mad at me for getting into all of these grad schools. i laughed (only my mother could ask that question) and i told her no...we all want the best for each other. but after i talked to my parents, i went to my office and cried only because these results seem so unfathomable to me. but even more than that, these acceptances are proof that all of my hard work, agony and suffering have not been in vain. its the only thing that makes me happy, to be completely honest. i have worked damn hard and i am the LAST person to call myself deserving (because of my severe lack of self-esteem...another story) but i work because this is the thing that runs through my veins. do yo know what that feels like? does anyone? do i, honestly? do i understand the working of my own heart that sends blood through my own body? it's like that. it is involuntary and lifegiving.

if i think about it, i'll just continue to cry so i won't.

if there are noises...

so before i get to the task of writing my behemoth of an art history paper (maybe i won't go to math?) i figured i'd put a few things down to get me in the writing mood.

people continuously surprise me. in a positive way, of course but still. i will give you some examples (hopefully no one will attack me for this later) today after my choir concert in the city (which was fantastic by the way) a whole bunch of us went to the bar and had some drinks/ate dinner. there was a moment when i was standing next to my ex-boyfriend and our hands touched. this is meaningless to this story, honestly. i flinched, he flinched, whatever. but as we all left, he reached out to hug me. we hugged and i called him darling. again, this means nothing but it was comforting in a way. i'd like to think that i'm tying up loose ends. in that same vein, my other two exes (well the other recent ones) had contacted me in some way today. again, random, out of the blue and surprising.

i feel bad for disliking bad musicians. let me clarify --- bad musicians with nasty attitudes. i feel i just need to get that out there. but to be honest, being surrounded by amazing musicians who don't take themselves too seriously makes up for it.

(and if this is the blog she reads, i just want to give a shout out to oboist toyin spellman from the imani winds who found me by accident --- the story was very funny as it was told to me and i hope you enjoy my little tales of adventure and intrigue)

these past couple of weeks have been murder and will continue to be for quite some time. as much as i hate it, it's pretty much necessary. this week is the last week of my internship so i have to make up a lot of work to finalize everything. on top of that, this massive copying job for choral society has to be finished by the end of this week, blah blah blah. it's the same usual thing so i'm not going to sit here and whine. remember, i only wrote so i could get ready to talk about leger and synthetic cubism.

and i think that's my cue.

when music and lights are gone and we're saying goodbye.

with the flood of negativity that seems to have swept everything, it's good to remember how good life can be.

last night, i went out with a handful of friends to celebrate our friend and our professor's respective birthdays. a great time was had by all, laughter and genuine love. i find those moments are few and far between, but when they happen --- magic! i've actually been lucky enough to have had a few of those in the past couple of weeks. the time spent with my high school orchestra conductor last weekend was time i will treasure for the rest of my life (she has a very special place in my heart, one of those teachers/people who really impacts one's life) working with my "kids" in opera studio is great as well. i try to bring a little levity to italiana, if that's at all possible. and tomorrow night, i'll be out on the town celebrating another birthday and i'm very excited. i don't really go out too much but i need it.

i came to the decision that come hell or high water, i am getting out of here, here meaning queens college, new york, whatever! i don't care if i have to take all four summer sessions, it is getting done. i don't know how i got to this memory, but i was thinking about my graduation recital and a conversation i had with my parents. they told me that right after i had finished, my teacher came up to them and said, "she can do whatever she wants in life. there's nothing she can't do." and i cried. at the time, i didn't realize people believed in me in quite that way. and when i got home today, i got a letter from ACSM in regards to the awards ceremony and the school of music graduation ceremony after commencement. it was a form letter, of course, but where it said "dear ms. mosley:" it was crossed out and my name was written over it. that was from my director. there are several graduates. mine was hand addressed and hand signed.

yeah.

so it's on. i'm not going to be depressed any more. i'm more determined than i ever was. and that's a pretty nice feeling. but along with all of that is the total exhaustion i'm feeling in regards to all of this extra work i'm doing but that's nothing new.

and speaking of the awards ceremony...once again, i can't attend. why? because i have a performance down the street. even though i love people telling me how awesome i am, i'm a musician 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. i mean, isn't that what "bachelor of music in performance" means, anyway?

in other news, thank god for spring! it took long enough for it to get here. i was all alone in the office today so i did my work for prof. john and part of that was going to staples and kinko's (oh and i am never going to staples again) and i decided to walk back to work. on the way, i did a little reminiscing...i went to a certain haagen-dazs on 72nd and amsterdam and thought about plans i had made not too long ago. surprisingly enough, it made me smile. because luckily for me, i still have the brooklyn bridge, it's not going anywhere, and i may have the opportunity to cross over it yet.

it will allow you to see them with fresh, clear eyes.

my goodness, world, so much is going on and i don't think i can touch on it all with any sort of accuracy or relevancy.

my thoughts on va tech? first, i thought of my friends who are at the university and those who are recent alumni. they are fine, much to my relief. but after that, where do you begin? so much emotion --- sadness, grief, confusion. i've tried not to think about it too much in the days passing because so many conflicts arise within me, maybe those should be discussed i don't know. but it causes so much upheaval...tis a strange place.

my personal life is not salvaging very well but i haven't come here to whine about it. i know what i have to do to get it together, so get it together i shall.

right now a very good friend of mine is dealing with a very difficult crisis and it is only becoming more and more complicated and it only makes me wonder...what is it about ourselves that allows us to put ourselves through such pain? every time we talk, i always tell her that i'm speaking from experience. i have gone through everything she is going through and how. you'd think we care about ourselves more. i don't know. i wish she'd see that this is only one singular moment in time, one that will not define her whole life. it took me a long time to come to that realization.

this time of year brings it out in people, i swear. i have a lot on my plate, that is certain. but when is that never true?

we are building ourselves a glass house.

okay, i guess it's my turn to weigh in on this whole don imus controversy. i don't really feel it's necessary (as my opinion is a drop in a colossal bucket) but it's just i have to get it out or i may just explode. so here it goes.

when i originally heard his comments, my reaction was small if any. i didn't take it too seriously (i have known about imus and have listened to him off and on for years now --- thanks ms. newmark) i did think "oh, well that was unnecessary." but that was about it. i can definitely understand why the women of the lady scarlet knights would be offended and ask for an apology (or at least an explanation) and i felt that was owed to them. what did they do to deserve that? that have no impact on any sort of social commentary (they're not famous NBA athletes, etc. they're just women in college playing college ball) i hoped that it would be resolved in that way and let the powers that be determine the fate of the players involved.

but no, that was not to be. people in the african-american community felt it necessary to say a lot of things. and then the rock that rolled down the mountain went from a snowball to an avalanche. that's all i heard on TV and in the papers and all i could think about was "who are you to comment on this?", i mean honestly. if you're outraged by this man's comments, that is your right. if you want to do something about it, it is your right as well. people, however, were acting as if someone slapped their mother. just because you're offended doesn't mean that i have to be offended as well and that your opinion has to determine the fate of a man who hasn't done anything that, unfortunately, scores of people have not done and do on a daily basis (i.e., use the airwaves to say what could be considered by some/most as "hate speech", derogatory and plain stupid comments) we're making examples now of people who choose to be ignorant in their thought process? because it's more public than most?

and the thing that gets me the most was listening to the president of the nbc news department regarding the removal of the simulcast on msnbc. it was evident that he didn't want to do it. he caved under the pressure not only from activism but sponsorship withdrawal. and if the only reason he feels it's necessary to remove the show is for those reasons and not because he feels some moral obligation to do so (meaning msnbc does not represent these sentiments) then really, what are we doing? what is the point that's being made? don imus is not off of the air because he's being held accountable for his actions --- he's off the air because his actions (and the ridiculous response to those actions) have given his bosses no choice. now maybe that would be the impetus for others who speak in this way not to do so but somehow i doubt it. why? because i know who controls the media. and those people have nothing to fear.

the media response to this was intolerable. i do not care about john mccain's opinion or barack obama's opinion or anyone else for that matter. the only people i listened to were the women on this team and they astounded me with their level of understanding, dignity and composure. i have been told that now, they are receiving death threats due to imus' removal. they don't deserve any of this and the media has guaranteed that this incident will be a deep scar for the rest of their lives. everyone in the press owes them an apology as well.

the timing of this and the acquittal of the duke lacrosse players could not be more perfect. for those who don't live in north carolina, more so, the triangle area can not possibly understand how divisive this ordeal was. it played on the race relations that have served as a constant problem in my hometown. it was volatile. and these same people who demanded so much from don imus in the press, went to the press to condemn these young men. and it was the press and use of the press that blew this up WAY out of proportion (note: any rape case is serious but this sort of thing, unfortunately happens everywhere all the time --- it was due to the people involved, who they were, i.e. rich white boys of prestige and a young black woman, that started this whole nonsense) and no one's taking any sort of responsibility for that. my town deserves an apology. but no one will talk about that, will they?

as a young black woman, i do feel the comments were inexcusable. but my feelings don't mean a thing. only the feelings of the young women involved --- for them, this was personal. the "divisiveness" that exists in america is constantly being exploited by pundits and figures of power whether they know it or not. honestly, i don't feel that split is a real thing, or was a real thing. we all disagree on many issues. but if anyone wants to make it real, it's those in the media and i'm tired of it. do you're job, inform me. do not make this a bully pulpit where anyone can say what they wish and we as the american people have to pay for it in one way or another.

this goes out to all of the al sharptons, don imuses, and anyone else out there. take your bait somewhere else.

self-professed, profound//till the chips were down.

today, i asked my friend charlie, along with others, if they ever have days where they feel like no matter how much they try, they can't get anything to work out and they feel like a failure at life. his response?

"um, you mean every day?"

at least that made me laugh. i'm just overwhelmed as usual with little things that scare the nonsense out of me. if i think about it now, i'll cry and i'd rather not do that so that's the end of that conversation.

i got a letter from hartt today telling me what i already knew --- that i didn't get a spot in the performance 20/20 program. it does help the decision i'm already making but trust me, i understand how hard it is for a sane person to turn down $15,000. and i'm far from sane.

i have a great urge to shout my feelings about certain things from the rooftops but alas, i have no roof. i don't even have a home. and it's eating away at me because, much to my and other's dismay, i have to vocalize everything. that's why i have all of these outlets, hoping someone will hear. hopefully, the right one. but then again, for those of you who've known me for the long haul know that this consistently gets me into trouble!

what can i say, i'm a glutton for punishment.

smiling faces, beautiful places

this post serves two purposes:

1) i am amazed at how prophetic/foolish i can be. shortly after i wrote the previous post yesterday evening, i received word from my grandmother in new york that i had been accepted at the peabody institute at johns hopkins university. i was beyond emotional. i laid in my parents' bed and wept. i'm still in shock right now and i fear i will be every day until i get there.

that's right. despite the fact that i received no scholarship money, i will be attending school there in the fall. this is my dream. as i told my parents, my only goal in life is to do what i love. i never thought in a million years that it would become a reality. even typing this is difficult. amazing, but difficult.

these are signs to me that i am worthy of all that i've wished for and believed in and believed myself to be. you have no idea how hard that is for me to accept --- that i am worthy of such great things. all i know is the work i do. it is my life.

2) another thing in regards to my future:



this is one of the many pictures i took while i was in savannah this past week. this town is everything i imagined it to be. i asked my mother if she could envision me living there and she said of course. it is filled with history and beauty and of course, happy southern people. i felt nothing but warmth and pleasantness. i miss all of those things so desperately. it's really the only life i know. moving back to baltimore is a step in the right direction --- these are things in life that i feel are important. raising my kids in a town where they can run barefoot in the woods and teach my students on beautiful clear days.

who knew such dreams were possible?

for you i was a flame.

i wanted to wait until tomorrow to write when i return to new york because i wanted to post my beautiful pictures but i suppose you wouldn't mind two entries back to back, eh? plus i have a lot to write about, it seems.

there's been so much in my mind bouncing around, i don't know where to start exactly. i went on vacation with my mother to hilton head island/savannah. it was great at first and then when we went to the library i checked my email only to see that i had received an email from julie at NYCO. to make a long story short, i'm pretty sure i'm about to lose my job. and i don't blame them if they fire me but after this was a sort of ripple effect. over my vacation, i became extremely depressed. moreso than any time recently. i mean here i was, sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean thinking about how i singlehandly, in one month's time, had lost what i thought was a friend, lost a boyfriend, lost a job and been rejected from two colleges. the key word is lost here because not only was to lose as a verb a factor but lost as an adjective very much plays a part. i feel lost. i'm so worried about graduating and where i'm going to go to school and making sure i take care of EVERYTHING that it kind of overwhelmed me. i had been putting all of those feelings off during cinderella but now i had nothing but time.

but that's not surprising.

and this is way too personal to be honest and i'm sure that none of you care. (this is NOT livejournal, imani) the point is, i went to a funeral yesterday of a childhood family friend and it kind of sobered me up a bit. i don't want people to say that i worried myself to death. i'm not ashamed to admit that i also thought about things that i don't want to think about but no worries. i love my life and i'm trying to make the best of it. who knew these past five years would turn me into such a crazy person?