the lord will fight for you, just be still.

right now i'm watching the trial of darryl hunt on HBO, something that i was excited about watching when i first heard about it. watching it, however, hurts my heart. it's about a rape and murder trial that took place in winston-salem in 1984. anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about my home state. it hurts to know just what kind of racism and injustice existed(s) there. also, watching the judicial system fail time and time again also hurts. but it's an ugly truth, which of course is not something i like to admit.

on a much more pleasant note, i got accepted to northwestern today. unfortunately, i had to turn them down seeing as how i sent in my deposit to peabody (i really didn't want to wait until today, i thought it would be way too late) but it was hard for me because i hate to say no. they seemed very enthused and i told cory wikan (head of graduate admissions) how much i loved the school. i really would have considered them had i had time to think about it. but i was down to the wire and i was not going to let peabody go.

my mother asked me if my friends were mad at me for getting into all of these grad schools. i laughed (only my mother could ask that question) and i told her no...we all want the best for each other. but after i talked to my parents, i went to my office and cried only because these results seem so unfathomable to me. but even more than that, these acceptances are proof that all of my hard work, agony and suffering have not been in vain. its the only thing that makes me happy, to be completely honest. i have worked damn hard and i am the LAST person to call myself deserving (because of my severe lack of self-esteem...another story) but i work because this is the thing that runs through my veins. do yo know what that feels like? does anyone? do i, honestly? do i understand the working of my own heart that sends blood through my own body? it's like that. it is involuntary and lifegiving.

if i think about it, i'll just continue to cry so i won't.