let's both go outside and play

i'm not sure if this post will be two-fold, we'll see as i get into it. the personal, first.

as a very good friend and wise woman told me, today, actually, sometimes you need to have time to be wild. i couldn't agree more. these past three weeks have allowed me to connect with my inner club kid/amazon woman/sex goddess/barfly and it's been amazing. even with all of the downs (my stuff being stolen/lost/whatever you want to call it) i wouldn't trade it for anything. the moments were just too precious. but there is one thing that has come out of this that's changed my outlook on everything, most specifically, my own self-esteem.

my father told me once that the reason why guys don't hit on me in clubs/bars is because i frighten men. that might be partly true and i'm willing to concede that but i don't want that to be the case. so i went to NYC to shed that visage. and boy, did i. for the first time in many years, i've felt free and unattached. i told myself to loosen up and let whatever was going to happen, happen. so i danced with many a man, some nice and sweet, others scary as shit but i enjoyed myself and danced like i meant it. and then i met a fabulous guy who caught my eye immediately. we hit it off and i ended up spending the rest of the night with him. that night has now turned into us talking and seeing each other over the past two weeks. it's not anything at all, which my previous self is having a little trouble with but my new self is absolutely relishing and i'm enjoying it to the best of my ability. could it be something in the future? maybe, but even if i never speak to him again, i've now come to believe that i am an attractive young woman with things to offer to people other then my usual musician-boyfriend fare. i can't tell you how thankful i am (to him) for that, it has changed me completely.

well at this point, i've decided that this will not be a two-part post. the personal stuff takes enough out of me. but the next post is about...WAGNER. yeah you'll want to read it, i promise. (it's really about michael jackson but good old richard shows his face) till next time...

toccata, mazurka, prelude and fugue

summers are usually the bane of my existence. i have nothing to do and my brain rots. i get really fat (or really thin, depending) and spend most of my nights in bed, mostly naked, sweating and wide awake from unshakeable and insufferable heat. this summer, not so much?

i spent my first week back in baltimore after my vacation at home searching for roommates and jobs, eating out (and drinking) with friends and playing the stravinsky octet (?) much to my surprise. maybe a fluke? doesn't seem that way. i now have a full time job at a realty/property management company in charles village where i spend my days answering phones, filing and being all around awesome (remember, my days are usually spent with me...sleeping) and my nights are spent cooking dinner with friends, going to concerts (earlier this week Hilary Hahn with the BSO (premiering Jenifer Higdon's new concerto) and last night Fleetwood Mac!) and studying.

did i mention studying? cause i'm doing a LOT of that. i have six books and one score checked out from friedheim, all books by professors with whom i'm looking to study at various Ph.D. programs. the score...the score is for my thesis.

[side note: there was a category on jeopardy! last night ENTIRELY ABOUT BRITTEN?! amazing.]

the score is for my thesis on which i am doing research as we speak. not impressive research but research nonetheless. i'm also reading doctor faustus for my thomas mann class in the fall, doing work in my italian workbook (with a little bit of german?), now i have the new task of updating the IDRS website with new bassoon theses/dissertations and practicing. lots and lots of practicing. i'm playing the Hindemith sonata in a week and a half, i have excerpts to prepare, baroque bassoon and a now possibly extended european tour. (that's right...iceland has now turned into iceland, austria, italy, france and the UK)

whew.

just typing that is exhausting. and typing that helps me to realize just how much i have to do in such a short time. but guess what folks? this makes me happy. the only thing is i won't be able to work out quite as much as i did last summer. but you know what, it's okay because this weekend, i'm going back to NYC to see the ny phil do the war requiem and then party at webster hall.

i think i might like summer after all.