end of the year wrap-up

yes, i understand, it's not the end of 2009. this is more of an end of school wrap up as tuesday was the last day of classes. so here we go:

• i need to understand and just believe that i am smart. i know that the application process is daunting but for god's sake, i'd like to think that someone would have stopped me if they thought i couldn't handle it.
• there are always new friends. and those new friends are great. thank you, new friends, for keeping me *moderately* sane.
• all that practicing really pays off.
• "ego" ≠ "competitiveness" (nor should it have to)
• though the musicology department at peabody drives me literally insane, i love them. they have shown me that they have my back & care about my growth and development as a musicologist and a scholar. so i'll forgive them when they get me lost or make jokes about me to my face...
• even if it's as bad as you thought it might be, it's not that bad.
• family can suck & family can be awesome. it's a tossup.
• this was the best summer of my life. also, AMS Philly was quite possibly the most hilarious four days i've had in a LONG time.
• i will be a good teacher.
• if i'm ignoring you, don't take it personally. that means i can't afford to have the drama that follows you in my life. i'm busy.

so i can relax a little bit, three out of six grad school apps are turned in. i'm hoping i'll be so busy with teaching, trying to find a job and writing my thesis that i'll completely forget about waiting to hear back. one can only hope. this has been a tough semester but something is different. i feel different. and i like it.

you are getting on your grind

well this past month has been ridiculous and i think it's quite peculiar that when i have the most to say (because i'm the most busy) that it's the most difficult for me to put it down. but tonight, i was good. i bought groceries (for the first time in say four months) and cooked (probably the same amount on that one) and here it is, 7:14 and i'm all caught up. so, obviously, the next most important thing to do would be to blog. ;)

this past month has been oh so revelatory for me...teaching jobs have come and gone and things seem like they're getting accomplished. and maybe, just maybe, i've established some sort of routine? i grade, practice, work on grad school apps, edit papers and of course, play on my iphone (it has CHANGED my life, can't even lie) and even though i see nothing but transition up ahead, i'm preparing myself.

(by transition i mean leaving my job. sssshhhhh!)

but hey, i survived a swine flu frenzy, both at work and at school, fellowship applications and a ridiculous halloween (i went dressed as Krishna!) so i think i'm doing pretty well for myself right now (i'm pulling down about 80 thou/my wife makes 40/she's a vassar grad/and hey for a woman/that's not half bad)*

also, i don't want the little lion to get jealous of talks of a new, shinier blog. that blog (which you should all look at: http://anothermusicologyblog.wordpress.com) is just a chance for me to talk about all things musicology. not nearly as interesting as what goes on over here. debauchery! wickedness! idolatry! wait, wait...that's the ten commandments. never mind. point is, i am a multi-platform blogger with plenty of craziness to go around. capisce?

good.


*if you get that reference, you get cookies. lots of cookies.

toccata, mazurka, prelude and fugue

summers are usually the bane of my existence. i have nothing to do and my brain rots. i get really fat (or really thin, depending) and spend most of my nights in bed, mostly naked, sweating and wide awake from unshakeable and insufferable heat. this summer, not so much?

i spent my first week back in baltimore after my vacation at home searching for roommates and jobs, eating out (and drinking) with friends and playing the stravinsky octet (?) much to my surprise. maybe a fluke? doesn't seem that way. i now have a full time job at a realty/property management company in charles village where i spend my days answering phones, filing and being all around awesome (remember, my days are usually spent with me...sleeping) and my nights are spent cooking dinner with friends, going to concerts (earlier this week Hilary Hahn with the BSO (premiering Jenifer Higdon's new concerto) and last night Fleetwood Mac!) and studying.

did i mention studying? cause i'm doing a LOT of that. i have six books and one score checked out from friedheim, all books by professors with whom i'm looking to study at various Ph.D. programs. the score...the score is for my thesis.

[side note: there was a category on jeopardy! last night ENTIRELY ABOUT BRITTEN?! amazing.]

the score is for my thesis on which i am doing research as we speak. not impressive research but research nonetheless. i'm also reading doctor faustus for my thomas mann class in the fall, doing work in my italian workbook (with a little bit of german?), now i have the new task of updating the IDRS website with new bassoon theses/dissertations and practicing. lots and lots of practicing. i'm playing the Hindemith sonata in a week and a half, i have excerpts to prepare, baroque bassoon and a now possibly extended european tour. (that's right...iceland has now turned into iceland, austria, italy, france and the UK)

whew.

just typing that is exhausting. and typing that helps me to realize just how much i have to do in such a short time. but guess what folks? this makes me happy. the only thing is i won't be able to work out quite as much as i did last summer. but you know what, it's okay because this weekend, i'm going back to NYC to see the ny phil do the war requiem and then party at webster hall.

i think i might like summer after all.

don't let the klingons get you down

a lot happens when you're tucked away in your own little paper-writing cubicle of death. so i'm here to clean house (literally, i was just cleaning my house) and reflect on the past six months.

1) you find out a lot when you open up netnewswire for the first time in MONTHS. you see one of your college friends (and someone you had a crush on) talked about in alex ross's the rest is noise (congrats), that your favorite lighthouse is getting funding, a professor that you had an immediate connection with is blowing up all over the place (thanks, bush administration?) and all sorts of happy things.

2) i am now a master of music (and not just a bachelor). well, okay, i'm one paper away but it's pretty much in the lock. unfortunately, due to logistics and stupid technical things, i don't get to celebrate with all of my other masters of music in the traditional way (i get a fancy pink stole and a hat and a GIANT sheet of paper) but i will be celebrating. these past two years have been interesting and revelatory. i've come out the other side a better bassoonist, a better musician and, um, cuter? i'm just glad it's over. now to spend another year to become doubly masterful at...um...music.

3) i'm going to iceland! i am so excited about this. i'm going to the land of bjork and thermal spas to go play some new music in the beginning of august and i can't think of a better way to end my summer vacation. more to come as i get more info.

i've learned a lot about myself in these past six months and i think i'm pleased with the outcome. one academic meltdown aside, i think i have the respect of my professors and peers. i mean, i'll be playing baroque bassoon in the fall, writing my thesis on britten's chamber operas, TAing three classes (including at class at JHU's homewood campus) and applying for some of the most prestigious Ph.D. programs in the country. and on a personal level, a lot of rough things went down. and you know, it's still hard but i'm in a happy place.

and hey, i cut off all of my hair. that has to speak for something.

it's only love

i am alive. when my life starts to even out, then i'll have a story to tell.

don't ruin my artistic vision!

i love how no one takes to my meaning.

i wrote a note on facebook complaining about how upset i was about my grades this semester. for some reason everyone thought it meant one thing and said, "cheer up, imani, your grades aren't that bad, it doesn't matter." well i KNOW that. the issue is the fact that every class that could have been an A wasn't because i let myself get caught up in a job that has no bearing on my life and has made my overall life increasingly difficult. that makes me angry and rightfully so. whatever...

so my carpal tunnel is back in my left hand (i really shouldn't be typing then, should i?), just one more thing in my list of grievances. but as someone i know would say, life is good. two more days of the tech week from hell and then i'm on vacation. it's a very happy thing, sunny prospects lie ahead, literally.

as whole enamored worlds will say

"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."

i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.

i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.

i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.

it's enough to move me to tears.

you are the forest.

i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.

on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.

it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.

that's such a lonely thing to do.

self-reflection and introspection always seemed to come easy to me. as if i had to say it to myself, out loud, to fully comprehend what was going on in my own mind. my feelings? your guess is as good as mine. but there's something that comes along with that revelation when you actually speak the words.its as if you give it life, it comes into existence. and in that existence comes some sort of truth about yourself. whether or not you're ready to handle that is another story.

so i keep saying things as if to validate my own existence. that can be troublesome (and burdensome) at times but i do it. i think, therefore...and all that. and what do i learn about myself? that i am a complex organism. understatement, no? but think about it for a minute. that thought helps to give all of our emotions and actions some sort of relevance and sense. it all can't be just because. talking to my housemate about love gives me closure about love (yes, i NEED closure) and giving my best friend advice allows me insight to that same advice.

ah, love. it all comes back to that, doesn't it. sometimes i think i'm "unlucky" but that's not it at all. unfortunately, i've yet to find a better adjective. i seem to be out of time while all of my friends are inside of time, and i watch over and smile but feel separated and incapable. but i am capable and have been loved. for now, i'll continue to float.

i don't just feel that way about love --- i feel that way about my life's work, like i'm existing outside of myself and someone/something else is doing everything, pulling the strings. maybe i have to separate my consciousness from my emotion in order to accomplish anything of worth, i don't really know. but so far, so good.

are you gonna let me go there by myself?

the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged

we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.

however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.

so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.

this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?

right.

the guardian of your challenge does not cry

so this has definitely been the largest stretch of time i've gone without writing here. i guess it begs the question: has my life been memorable enough to put down in words. on one hand yes, on the other, definitely not. a strange dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

let's see --- i'm trying to live a new life and be a new person here in baltimore and it's happening for me. i finally have found a community within which i feel comfortable so i exercise that comfort. i go out to parties and concerts and try to be as visible as i can. there's no reason for me to stay locked up in my basement. and i've definitely found a few people that i have really connected with which is so exciting. i don't feel quite so alone. however, i have come to a crossroads musically. on the one hand i'm getting better and better every day and on the other, i have to go back to the basics because there's so much internal stuff to fix and that makes me feel like i'm at square one. it just reminds me that i'm choosing the right path. i'm feeling so much love from the musicology department and things are crystallizing for me which is nice. don't get me wrong. the bassoon is my first love and i still want to teach and perform and be the best bassoonist i can be but it's just this: at app everyone wanted to be a secondary education teacher and i didn't want that. at queens everyone wanted to freelance and be a part of the NYC scene and i didn't want that. at peabody, everyone wants to have a ridiculous solo performing career and i don't want that either. i want to be me and do what i want to do and i've grown tired of trying to fit into other people's molds. so i have to make what i want to do work for me where i am.

there are not many places where you can learn to be a matriarch. :)

personally, i've been through a few conflicts in my life. first, a health scare and second, a reevaluation of just who i am. now that thats past, i'm looking over the relationship thing. i'm so comfortable being single just because i think it's easy. so says the introvert only child. but there are so many other things that i have to think about that i have to face (you know, stuff that requires a great deal of therapy) and i have to make the decision to face them. unfortunately for me, i've run into a lot of my past here in baltimore and it's been a challenge to move forward. but i'm doing it. speaking of, another conflict is that of what happens after all of this. i'm going home it's never been more clear to me. and i think i could be the only person around who would be unhappy if i didn't get into carolina and got into yale. i'm ready to be back home around my parents and happy. not that i'm doing badly here, it's a start (much better than new york) but the older i get the more nostalgic i become.

i wonder what gingerich would say about that. (schubert class reference, don't worry about it)

so in two weeks, PSO is playing at the kennedy center honors so watch for it on CBS. i plan on being back in new york in a couple of weeks...i don't know how that's going to work but you know it's worth a shot. :) i'll be home on tuesday and that's going to be amazing i can feel it. it's about time.

we're all growing up, the way it's supposed to be.

long time, no see.

i've been absurdly busy over the past few weeks with my move to baltimore. that and starting at a new school had taken over my life but i'm finally at a point where i can at least write --- sit down, catch my breath. this is an entirely new experience for me. when i walk to the bus i take to school, i walk through these beautiful neighborhoods filled with painted lady row houses, hidden by trees saying in the breeze. i can't explain to you how different that is from a walk i used to take to achieve the same purpose. it's just so invigorating. but then again, so is the newness of everything. but honestly, as i sit here in my new room, i feel old hat at at least most of it. i'm just glad this isn't like five years ago. i don't feel lonely like i did when i moved to new york or when i moved to boone for that mater. i just feel good.

i realized the other night that this is the first time in a long time that i've been really stable. like i have nothing in my life to complain about. i'm not depressed and i feel really good about life and where it's going. did i just have to move out of new york to achieve all of that? i don't think so, but it helps. i've been calling people and reaching out to people and feels so nice. like why hold back? everyone, i'm cool with you. it's all good.

i am scared of what lies ahead. can i handle it? yeah but who knows how... but that is life. i'm not worrying about it too much.

the transition from summer into fall is, in my opinion, the best time of year (after the beginning of spring, of course) i wish it stayed this way all the time. now all i have to do is start playing and find me a relationship, oh yeah and buy a car, and i'll be set.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.

well, i don't envy you at all.

it is very difficult to explain to someone why you would choose a school whose tuition is $45,000 with no scholarship than one who gave you 90% of your expected tuition. it's even harder to hear it come out of your own mouth and make the justification. but i did it and as much as i sometimes agonize over my decisions, i know that they are the right ones. i have the support of my parents (which means more to me than just about anything else), my teacher and all of my friends.

i gave up a teaching position, relative financial stability and a virtually easy degree program to take a risk. so many people have told me that it's only the risk takers that truly achieve great success. i am willing to lose everything to gain everything. but god damn, if that's not the scariest thing in the world. some people may think that this is not really a risk but the smartest decision i could make. well, that might be true but the thing is, i don't know what's going to come on the other side of this. and giving up your stability and letting go of your comfort zone. that's a fucking big risk.

but hey, i'm a fighter.

a perfect world begins and ends with us.

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.

i think i should lock the door.

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.

the lord will fight for you, just be still.

right now i'm watching the trial of darryl hunt on HBO, something that i was excited about watching when i first heard about it. watching it, however, hurts my heart. it's about a rape and murder trial that took place in winston-salem in 1984. anyone who knows me, knows how i feel about my home state. it hurts to know just what kind of racism and injustice existed(s) there. also, watching the judicial system fail time and time again also hurts. but it's an ugly truth, which of course is not something i like to admit.

on a much more pleasant note, i got accepted to northwestern today. unfortunately, i had to turn them down seeing as how i sent in my deposit to peabody (i really didn't want to wait until today, i thought it would be way too late) but it was hard for me because i hate to say no. they seemed very enthused and i told cory wikan (head of graduate admissions) how much i loved the school. i really would have considered them had i had time to think about it. but i was down to the wire and i was not going to let peabody go.

my mother asked me if my friends were mad at me for getting into all of these grad schools. i laughed (only my mother could ask that question) and i told her no...we all want the best for each other. but after i talked to my parents, i went to my office and cried only because these results seem so unfathomable to me. but even more than that, these acceptances are proof that all of my hard work, agony and suffering have not been in vain. its the only thing that makes me happy, to be completely honest. i have worked damn hard and i am the LAST person to call myself deserving (because of my severe lack of self-esteem...another story) but i work because this is the thing that runs through my veins. do yo know what that feels like? does anyone? do i, honestly? do i understand the working of my own heart that sends blood through my own body? it's like that. it is involuntary and lifegiving.

if i think about it, i'll just continue to cry so i won't.

self-professed, profound//till the chips were down.

today, i asked my friend charlie, along with others, if they ever have days where they feel like no matter how much they try, they can't get anything to work out and they feel like a failure at life. his response?

"um, you mean every day?"

at least that made me laugh. i'm just overwhelmed as usual with little things that scare the nonsense out of me. if i think about it now, i'll cry and i'd rather not do that so that's the end of that conversation.

i got a letter from hartt today telling me what i already knew --- that i didn't get a spot in the performance 20/20 program. it does help the decision i'm already making but trust me, i understand how hard it is for a sane person to turn down $15,000. and i'm far from sane.

i have a great urge to shout my feelings about certain things from the rooftops but alas, i have no roof. i don't even have a home. and it's eating away at me because, much to my and other's dismay, i have to vocalize everything. that's why i have all of these outlets, hoping someone will hear. hopefully, the right one. but then again, for those of you who've known me for the long haul know that this consistently gets me into trouble!

what can i say, i'm a glutton for punishment.

smiling faces, beautiful places

this post serves two purposes:

1) i am amazed at how prophetic/foolish i can be. shortly after i wrote the previous post yesterday evening, i received word from my grandmother in new york that i had been accepted at the peabody institute at johns hopkins university. i was beyond emotional. i laid in my parents' bed and wept. i'm still in shock right now and i fear i will be every day until i get there.

that's right. despite the fact that i received no scholarship money, i will be attending school there in the fall. this is my dream. as i told my parents, my only goal in life is to do what i love. i never thought in a million years that it would become a reality. even typing this is difficult. amazing, but difficult.

these are signs to me that i am worthy of all that i've wished for and believed in and believed myself to be. you have no idea how hard that is for me to accept --- that i am worthy of such great things. all i know is the work i do. it is my life.

2) another thing in regards to my future:



this is one of the many pictures i took while i was in savannah this past week. this town is everything i imagined it to be. i asked my mother if she could envision me living there and she said of course. it is filled with history and beauty and of course, happy southern people. i felt nothing but warmth and pleasantness. i miss all of those things so desperately. it's really the only life i know. moving back to baltimore is a step in the right direction --- these are things in life that i feel are important. raising my kids in a town where they can run barefoot in the woods and teach my students on beautiful clear days.

who knew such dreams were possible?

for you i was a flame.

i wanted to wait until tomorrow to write when i return to new york because i wanted to post my beautiful pictures but i suppose you wouldn't mind two entries back to back, eh? plus i have a lot to write about, it seems.

there's been so much in my mind bouncing around, i don't know where to start exactly. i went on vacation with my mother to hilton head island/savannah. it was great at first and then when we went to the library i checked my email only to see that i had received an email from julie at NYCO. to make a long story short, i'm pretty sure i'm about to lose my job. and i don't blame them if they fire me but after this was a sort of ripple effect. over my vacation, i became extremely depressed. moreso than any time recently. i mean here i was, sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean thinking about how i singlehandly, in one month's time, had lost what i thought was a friend, lost a boyfriend, lost a job and been rejected from two colleges. the key word is lost here because not only was to lose as a verb a factor but lost as an adjective very much plays a part. i feel lost. i'm so worried about graduating and where i'm going to go to school and making sure i take care of EVERYTHING that it kind of overwhelmed me. i had been putting all of those feelings off during cinderella but now i had nothing but time.

but that's not surprising.

and this is way too personal to be honest and i'm sure that none of you care. (this is NOT livejournal, imani) the point is, i went to a funeral yesterday of a childhood family friend and it kind of sobered me up a bit. i don't want people to say that i worried myself to death. i'm not ashamed to admit that i also thought about things that i don't want to think about but no worries. i love my life and i'm trying to make the best of it. who knew these past five years would turn me into such a crazy person?