i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.
on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.
it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.
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