the most beautiful place on earth.

i had an interview at new york city opera today. i went in through the stage door at the new york state theater (home of city opera and new york city ballet) but that's another story. i am often at lincoln center but every now and then i go stand at the fountain in the middle and go "damn, this place is amazing."

now it's not just because i'm a musician blah blah blah. the architecture there is simply gorgeous. and if you want to see it at its best, and presumably, new york at its best, go to the fountain during the summer in the mid afternoon. kids playing in the fountain, people running around and taking pictures, beautiful blue skies above...you can't beat it. now i do feel the same way about other fountains and other parks in the city, i.e. washington square park but go to lincoln center and you know, you just know. any time of the year, any time of day (oh, ESPECIALLY at night when the met is all lit up) it evokes a feeling of wonder and elegance that i think is really unmatched anywhere in the city.

but that might just be me. ;)

the splendor falls on castle walls

i should not drink.

i have always known that one of these days, i would drink alone and slowly but surely become an alcoholic. it runs in the family. i don't drink as much as i used to because of the heart surgery. actually, i rarely drink at all but last night i was incredibly depressed and i have three bottles of wine in my refridgerator. now it's not like i went and got trashed or anything --- i sipped on a glass of wine but the thing is, i wasn't alone. throughout all of it, my boyfriend was reassuring me over the phone that all is well with me and that i have every reason to have a lot on my mind.

so tonight, i'm drinking water and ginger ale. i just finished practicing and have a healthy amount of trust and faith in myself. i'm a very lucky woman.

another man that i've welcomed into my life is tenor ian bostridge. as it often goes, i've found another thin pasty white boy with whom i can fall in love. now i have a bunch of recordings of his (right now i'm listening to Britten's Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings, op. 31 from his britten album (les illumnations, serenade for tenor, horn and strings, nocturnes) and i just got a recording of him singing schumann lieder) and the thing is, i watched a taping of a staged version of schubert's winterreise with him and it was then that i realized how small he is. he's a waif. puny with a schoolboy english accent. but his voice is amazing. you would never tell when you listen to him sing.

so there. i luff him. and i usually don't have a thing for singers. there's a disconnect with me for some reason that i'd rather not get into right now. but if anyone can get me a tape of that winterreise, i'll give you a cookie.

thank you for styling.

now i may be a geek, to that i will testify but i am also a fashion icon in the making. (i will be the hottest musicology professor you will ever see) and since i've had my geeky posts on here, i figure i better balance out the scales. and what better way to do it than with the fashion from the golden globes.

let's get something straight here. i don't watch awards shows. why? because there are no awards for what i do. and i want shiny things. and to get dressed up. and it does nothing for my ego to see other people look all fancy, get things for free and get wasted on television.

but i do watch preshows because i have to see what everyone is wearing, see if i'm up with the times (or ahead as i sometimes am, living in new york city) and to see giant fashion disasters. so the golden globes...


helen mirren. my god, i have the biggest girl crush on her EVER. and she looked so amazing. i mean definitely not looking like anyone's grandma that i know. she was looking hot. and good for her on both of her wins (hbo's elizabeth I is captivating, i have watched it like a billion times, she is amazing and jeremy irons is so fine)



reese witherspoon, singleness becomes you (i understand that, girl). she lit up the red carpet with her straightened, breezy hair and yellow nina ricci gown. outstanding.

penelope cruz. i have nothing to say. if i could be salma hayek, i would and would propogate all sorts of rumors about us being lovers. this dress is beautiful and she never fails to astound. (that's right, chanel couture)

now all i'm hoping for is that someone, i don't know, like my boyfriend, will give me an opportunity to dress up and feel pretty. i mean, i act like a nerd all the time.

putting one foot forward

now i'm switching back and forth between countdown with keith olbermann (which i usually catch at 8 but i was out having dinner) and sundance's iconoclasts, this episode dave chappelle and maya angelou which i had been dying to see and i listen to maya angelou say this one thing:

"don't pick it up and don't lay it down. when someone tells you 'you're the best, you're the greatest, you're the finest artist of your time. you say 'ah.' cause if you pick it up when they say that, you have to pick it up when they say, 'you lost it, you're worthless, you had it all.' don't pick it up, don't lay it down."

i think i've tried to live by something akin to that in my life. in this business of music, the ability to have an inflated ego (among other things) is not only prevalent, it's sometimes necessary. if you don't have the brash confidence in yourself to say, "yeah, i'm a bad mother fucker. i will get on stage and be the most amazing thing you've ever heard/seen." you won't get anywhere. and because of that, after years, it tends to stick. i've always believed that whatever talent i have (and the good sense to work at it and make it better) is god given (see LJ entry lift the body of christ with your spiritual gifts) and find myself being somewhat self-effacing in the process. but at the same time, i am also severly self-analytical and harsh.

so i think the attitude of not letting everything that people say determine where or who you are, well may be some what of an understatement but is true. i guess it's never been put quite so eloquently than this.

you're seriously blowing my mind right now.

i have one word for you: iPhone.


it's like all of my dreams coming true --- sex, ponies, stardust and ice cream. now i am anxiously waiting the upload of the Macworld keynote address from yesterday on apple's website. i mean, i went to the website looking for the release date of leopard and instead this is what i find (what a happy surprise) so i signed up to get more information and all i can say is this --- as soon as it's released and i find out how much it is, i am switching from sprint to cingular and using all of my money to buy this phone. EDIT: it is $499 with a 2-year contract at cingular. i'll have to think about this, but i have till june. it's so so so tempting.

i suggest you all go and check out the specs here, it will blow your mind i guarantee it. (god, the nerdiness never ends, does it)

do you consider yourself a lucky person?

"the more i see, the more i find reason for those who love this country to weep over its blindness." - alexander hamilton

i ran across this quotation while reading ron chernow's alexander hamilton and i was just struck but how incredibly apropos it is. this is by no means my trying to turn this blog into some sort of politically motivated force. my politics for the most part are my own. but as a historian-in-training (one who at one point in her life wanted to teach american history and study constitutional law --- and be secretary of state but that is another story!) i can't not mention these things. could there be anything worse then seeing your past mistakes and choosing to repeat them?

that was a rhetorical question. i don't honestly know the answer.

i think i'm sabotaging my grad school auditions. i'm so tired from last semester that i feel like i can muster no drive to do what i know i need to do. i'm about to practice right now (yes, at 1 in the morning as is my way) and this is the thing i've wanted more than anything in my life but it is a giant weight on my shoulders and i feel like the more i accomplish, the heavier it gets. like will it ever get lifted? i ask that a lot. but i know the answer. right now, i have to suck it up and fight through the pain as my indomitable 5 foot tall blonde wisp of a teacher would say. so i'm going to write this, put everything away and take a big bite into the mozart.

the woman i interviewed for was amazing. social dance among strangers. i can't find her website, but when i do, i'll put it up. you should all check it out. she probably won't hire me though cause i'm working short term. but i did apply for a job at the brooklyn philharmonic which is literally perfect for me. so maybe it'll all work out.

mrs. speaker, here's to you.

two job interviews in two days, eh? that's a first, i think. it makes me feel good about the coming months --- i've never needed the money more than i do right now. and what's great is that they both put me around one of my first loves, dance. i feel more whole as an artist when i'm around dancers and when i dance myself. being a musician is great, it's my life but there's nothing like dancing.

at work yesterday, i had a scintillating conversation with one of my coworkers about social change. she and i are very similar in many respects. she's radical, a little more than me. i mean i am but its not so much on the surface. she claims i'm more liberal than i let on. that may be so, only time will tell. maybe it's the state of things, in the world and my life at this present moment.

speaking of, i'm in the middle of my sunday routine which consists of breakfast, reading the sunday paper (in this case, since i'm back in nyc, the new york times) and watching the chris matthews show, meet the press and the mclaughlin group back to back. they were just talking about saddam's execution; decency scale of 0 to 10. it's getting harder and harder for me to follow this routine each day but i feel it is my civic duty to do so.

you know, sundays have always been amazing days. i finally feel good after days of feeling horrible. that's a nice feeling, i will say. i miss my parents, though. and home, a lot. but then again, that's not something new.

i think we can call that exigent circumstances.

had i gone into constitutional law like i had originially planned, i'd have a lot to do right about now.
(but that's for another day)

colleges are funny things. every school i've talked with has been more than gracious with me regarding applications (not that i've been that bad) yale has given me a week to get them a recording, n'western told me to just send in my application --- i'm not so disheartened (and trust me, i've lost my share of sleep over this) i mean this is the moment, you know?

colleges also cost a lot of freaking money. i'm going back to new york without money which was so not my plan. i kind of forgot that it would cost $72 to get old grades. yeah.

and by the way, what is a world memory champion anyway?!

your trip hasn't been very computer-friendly, has it?

there are upsides to having OCD. okay, maybe not. but one of my most harmless and most fun obsessions are organizational things through the way of technology. school does not start for another month and yet, i'm up till 3 in the morning finding new things to put on my baby (PowerBook G4 Mac OS X Tiger 10.4.8 1.5 GHz PowerPC G4 512 MB) to make learning easy.

so a couple of the new faves:
Schoolhouse: an assignment manager with GPA calculator and customizable charts with a beautiful interface (i'm all about a beautiful interface)

gDisk: this has so much potential (for some reason, i can't figure parts of it out) but if you have a gmail account you can use it as a hard drive and store files there. for someone who uses multiple computers that are not mine (that's right, work computer and ACSM media lab --- i'm talking to you), it's great.

there are others, but i'm not going to bore you. onto the screenshots!
here's the dirty:[theme: "somatic by david lanham; programs on screen: Finder, MacFun Sudoku widget, Adium; dock (from l to r): finder, dashboard, system pref, stattoo, mail, adium, firefox, gDisk, iTunes, quicktime, VLC, acquisition, iCal, schoolhouse, microsoft word, journler, appzapper, snap n' drag, preview; menubar (from l to r): virtuedesktops, adium, weatherdock2, growltunes, menuet, growl, quicksilver, bluetooth]

and the clean:
[desktop picture: lacoste stripes by black diamond studio]

well that's my nerdy post for the day. i'm sure there will be more. ;)

well, they want to cut through the riff-raff.

i am scared to death of this whole grad school thing. and it is manifesting through bad practicing. and so i freaked out and for a quick second i said to myself, "self, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" cause i'm not good enough to get my master's.

but i stopped and put the bassoon down for a moment. i realized i hadn't brought any of my etude books home but i knew a place to get at least the milde etudes. i said this is what i need to do --- go back to basics, play etudes, make your hands feel good and then go back to the music. it's already there (my recital is proof of that). i think i just got freaked when i got that email from yale this morning. those things will do that.

but i'm good at what i do. and i have ways of reassuring myself.

on a side note, i'm wondering when my suspicions will prove correct. i hope they don't but i know better. plus, that's what i want anyway, right? right. my obsession with the human condition is going to get the better of me one day. today might even be it, we'll never know.

we're going to the chapel.

i hate talking about relationships in general, it wears me out but it seems that's going to be today's theme. i spent new years' with two of my closest friends. i can't wait till they get married. they love each other but not only that, they are grounded in reality. if there was ever to be a relationship that would succeed, it's them. they talked to me about marriage (no sleeping on the futon until then...) and kids (recessive genes, eye color...) and it just seemed so natural. they are totally the antithesis of all our friends that are of a particular (and strongly southern) mentality who have graduated from college and immediately got married. it's a nice change of pace.

today i found out that my friend's boyfriend bought an engagement ring. i didn't know how i was supposed to react because this is the complete opposite of grounded in reality. i love her, they are a great couple, i wish them luck. they'll be fine but i've been down this road --- i want them to avoid any unnecessary problems.

then there's me. well i won't be getting married any time soon, it seems. i would like this relationship to be that kind of serious but i don't think it can. and i'm okay with that if that ends up being the case. i've always been the big mama cat lady, anyway. plus, i had my little marriage fling and it was fun while it lasted. that was enough to last me a while --- i've finally got the taste out of my mouth.