yes, if you're looking for infinity, just close your eyes!

my vacation to the cayman islands was strange, in some regards.

i found myself sitting on my patio at 1:30 in the morning, reading milan kundera's the unbearable lightness of being and listening to ian bostridge sing grainger's brigg fair on constant repeat, feeling the breeze from the night sea, crying on the inside.

it reminded me of things and people whose names are not as important as the impact they have had on me recently. i've felt this indescribable feeling of emptiness. when i say empty, i mean poured out from a vase. not lacking but there was something there, something of which i am conscious but not clear. my alone time was pretty much spent that way for the entire trip. while wrapped up in the intoxicating prose of kundera and hearing (what i believe to be) the utterly quixotic and sensual sound of this song from the english countryside, i thought about my own spirit and what it would be like to complete someone. how devastating, painful and beautiful that would be. i know that doesn't really make any sense. it's so damn hard to explain.

but i promise, it wasn't depressing. it was transcendent. it was like i didn't feel anything at all, i just existed. and in that existence, i relived memories that really touched me. there is more but i can and will not say at this time, if ever. i have learned over the years (the hard way, unfortunately) that some things are best kept private.

aside from those moments, grand cayman was wonderful. i snorkeled with cute little fish, spoke italian, got hit on by many an island man and bought the best rum cake EVER. jealous, eh? i know, i know. but we can't all vacation forever...

do you consider yourself a lucky person?

"the more i see, the more i find reason for those who love this country to weep over its blindness." - alexander hamilton

i ran across this quotation while reading ron chernow's alexander hamilton and i was just struck but how incredibly apropos it is. this is by no means my trying to turn this blog into some sort of politically motivated force. my politics for the most part are my own. but as a historian-in-training (one who at one point in her life wanted to teach american history and study constitutional law --- and be secretary of state but that is another story!) i can't not mention these things. could there be anything worse then seeing your past mistakes and choosing to repeat them?

that was a rhetorical question. i don't honestly know the answer.

i think i'm sabotaging my grad school auditions. i'm so tired from last semester that i feel like i can muster no drive to do what i know i need to do. i'm about to practice right now (yes, at 1 in the morning as is my way) and this is the thing i've wanted more than anything in my life but it is a giant weight on my shoulders and i feel like the more i accomplish, the heavier it gets. like will it ever get lifted? i ask that a lot. but i know the answer. right now, i have to suck it up and fight through the pain as my indomitable 5 foot tall blonde wisp of a teacher would say. so i'm going to write this, put everything away and take a big bite into the mozart.

the woman i interviewed for was amazing. social dance among strangers. i can't find her website, but when i do, i'll put it up. you should all check it out. she probably won't hire me though cause i'm working short term. but i did apply for a job at the brooklyn philharmonic which is literally perfect for me. so maybe it'll all work out.