we're going to the chapel.

i hate talking about relationships in general, it wears me out but it seems that's going to be today's theme. i spent new years' with two of my closest friends. i can't wait till they get married. they love each other but not only that, they are grounded in reality. if there was ever to be a relationship that would succeed, it's them. they talked to me about marriage (no sleeping on the futon until then...) and kids (recessive genes, eye color...) and it just seemed so natural. they are totally the antithesis of all our friends that are of a particular (and strongly southern) mentality who have graduated from college and immediately got married. it's a nice change of pace.

today i found out that my friend's boyfriend bought an engagement ring. i didn't know how i was supposed to react because this is the complete opposite of grounded in reality. i love her, they are a great couple, i wish them luck. they'll be fine but i've been down this road --- i want them to avoid any unnecessary problems.

then there's me. well i won't be getting married any time soon, it seems. i would like this relationship to be that kind of serious but i don't think it can. and i'm okay with that if that ends up being the case. i've always been the big mama cat lady, anyway. plus, i had my little marriage fling and it was fun while it lasted. that was enough to last me a while --- i've finally got the taste out of my mouth.

don't drink when you're tired.

i hate the fact that i've associated being emotionally vulnerable with being weak in character and resolve. i want myself to feel what everything inside me is trying to feel right now because it's true, honest. instead, i'm pushing it down because i don't want to seem weak. well, i have to stop that and just go on feeling.

on a happier note, peabody confirmed the processing of my application. i'm just waiting on yale and hartt (i think i might forego northwestern --- still thinking) my mother and i sat down and planned my trips to all my auditions. it's so funny because sitting down with her working on something that's so pivotal and ensures, even, a little slice of adulthood, i still feel like a baby. but then again, having all of your friends get married and you yourself dating an older man will definitely highlight those feelings.

speaking of marriage, i got a christmas card from james and meagan today. they're doing so well. i really need to go out to utah and visit them. i hope they have kids soon, they'll be such great parents.