i think i should lock the door.

i am now at the point in my life, well my life over the past six months, where i can safely say, "i deserve all of this." i have also realized that there are a lot of people out there who have it in for me. this isn't anything unusual. i never said i wanted to go throughout life without enemies (how futile) but what i have always said is that i want those who hate me to hate me for no reason. i feel comfortable even though i've burned a LOT of bridges. i'm a good person and a good musician. that's all i can hope for and aspire to. so yes, i'm going to peabody not because there weren't any other bassoonists but because i earned it. if you can't handle that then too bad.

(with all of that being said, i want to thank everyone in advance who has decided to come to my graduation party. i will pray intensely for sunshine. but anyone who knows my history knows how pointless that may be)

now, within the last ten minutes, i have seen something on tv that mirrored an event in my life so perfectly...i looked just like that, the environment was almost identical. and it made my heart sink. i wonder if when my event was happening, if i had had an out-of-body experience whether or not it would look like that. or feel like that for that matter. it's too late now to ponder such a thought, this event is years behind me. but i often wonder if i had handled things differently how much different i and the people involved might be. i only think about it now (besides this image) because things within me are changing yet again. am i running back to the things i know or think i know? is it honest or am i just trying to fool myself? sometimes i think i will never know the truth. what a burden that is.