a perfect world begins and ends with us.

my life is not a movie. i should stop pretending that it is one and the outcome will come about as such. it's like that conversation i had in my independent study about history --- like, well of course history turned out this way, it was supposed to evolve just in this way. it's not true. that's a convenient fallacy that we like to tell ourselves.

what happens to me, well most of it is up to me. some of it is chance, fate, luck, whatever. but the ending that everyone wants isn't going to happen just because everyone wants it. i think that's the thing i must remember.

speaking of movies, i'm watching patton right now. it's always been one of my favorites. (yes i'm a girl who LOVES war movies) and i've always felt like i've been able to identify with him or at least the character of him portrayed by george c. scott. when in his element, he was unstoppable. outside of that, he struggled to fit in, be content in a world he couldn't really understand. how very greek in nature. how universal. or maybe that's just me.

so this weekend was one of the oddest i can think of --- i spent it reminiscing, most literally. i spent time with my high school wind ensemble and people from my graduating class. it was everything i expected it to be --- disappointing and freakish. i don't think it's enough time yet for me (or anyone for that matter) to escape the shallowness, depravity, sadness, depression, anger and confusion that was that time in our life. cause honestly, does that ever go away?

while i was home, however, i found some journals that i had completely forgotten about from that time. man, oh man, did i have issues. there were things i said about people that disgust me (of course they were regarding men, what else) and a reminder that i continued to make the same mistakes. there was one very interesting thing...i realized that i had been right about something from the very beginning. unfortunately, that thing brings me back to the beginning of this post. it doesn't matter if i was right or wrong. the future has not been predetermined.

in less cryptic news...commencement is this thursday. to everyone else that has or will be graduating, congratulations. i'm already thinking about the future but what can i say, i'm a long term planner.