for you i was a flame.

i wanted to wait until tomorrow to write when i return to new york because i wanted to post my beautiful pictures but i suppose you wouldn't mind two entries back to back, eh? plus i have a lot to write about, it seems.

there's been so much in my mind bouncing around, i don't know where to start exactly. i went on vacation with my mother to hilton head island/savannah. it was great at first and then when we went to the library i checked my email only to see that i had received an email from julie at NYCO. to make a long story short, i'm pretty sure i'm about to lose my job. and i don't blame them if they fire me but after this was a sort of ripple effect. over my vacation, i became extremely depressed. moreso than any time recently. i mean here i was, sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean thinking about how i singlehandly, in one month's time, had lost what i thought was a friend, lost a boyfriend, lost a job and been rejected from two colleges. the key word is lost here because not only was to lose as a verb a factor but lost as an adjective very much plays a part. i feel lost. i'm so worried about graduating and where i'm going to go to school and making sure i take care of EVERYTHING that it kind of overwhelmed me. i had been putting all of those feelings off during cinderella but now i had nothing but time.

but that's not surprising.

and this is way too personal to be honest and i'm sure that none of you care. (this is NOT livejournal, imani) the point is, i went to a funeral yesterday of a childhood family friend and it kind of sobered me up a bit. i don't want people to say that i worried myself to death. i'm not ashamed to admit that i also thought about things that i don't want to think about but no worries. i love my life and i'm trying to make the best of it. who knew these past five years would turn me into such a crazy person?

...god opens a window.

i hate that saying but i suppose sometimes it proves true. and trust me, that is not an easy thing for me to admit (i absolutely HATE being cliché) this weekend my romantic relationship ended after almost seven months and as sad as that is (just because of the simple fact that most if not all endings are sad) in the same night, something wonderful happened. i finally got in touch with another one of my so-called 'little sisters', who i hadn't seen or talked to in a couple of years. even more surprising was that she found me on the same night through another medium. but what tops it off is the news that she has a daughter.

she is my window. and it is calming and joyful, not to mention a pleasantly unexpected birthday present.

if you want me to talk more about how i feel about the breakup, well, sorry. and it's not just because i don't really have much to say. i've grown over the years and i have learned to temper myself in the things that i say and the way in which i say them. i think i've done a good job keeping the greater part of this relationship out of the public's purvey and i owe it to him to continue to do so. he's a good person. i'm not the kind of girl who would put him on blast, as it were. not unless he deserved it. :)

i feel like the world would be a much place if people would be as professional, mature and ready as i am. on the stage that is, but i won't get into that. that's why people hire me and not other people.

two days till the big 2-3. let's hope its something worth celebrating.

assume the (dance) position.

insecurity can be a horrible thing. it can make you crazy. i criticize every move that i make because i'm insecure. i have always felt incapable of being loved so when i am in a relationship with someone, i get so paranoid trying to keep them. why am i paranoid? well i'm too crazy to be in a relationship, duh. and i hate these feelings because i'm so strong minded and strong willed. i think its because i'm trying to be the type of woman i think men want me to be when who i am is just fine.

this is why unlike other people i know (ahem) i can tolerate being single. its nervewracking being in a relationship, but its worth it.

putting someone's dirty laundry out on the street is also another terrible thing. so is lying to someone's face. but you know what, i've been all through that already and i have no desire to go through it again. let's just say that it is what it is (and i'm going down fighting)

aschenputtel, i mean, cendrillon, no, cenerentola...cinderella is going well and taking up all of my time. my dresses are amazing, i got new lines that are mad funny (funny because i say them) and i wonder if other people in the ensemble hate on me because everyone loves me. oh well. (repole gives me lines and confers with me, amanda tells me she trusts me and don't get me started on stephen...) this show has a long run and i don't know if i have it in me to do it without collapsing (especially how i have midterms coming up)

but all and all, i can't complain. i got fabulous news last night and i hope it keeps coming. one can only hope.