time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.

right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.

so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.

...all the terrible things i'm about to unveil.

so many things this holiday season. i feel like i started this blog a year ago with the same sort of feelings in mind. i guess some things never change.

benazir bhutto was assassinated. i don't know what to say about this, honestly, because i don't feel like i know the whole story. does anyone ever? in these instances, and we know them all too well, it's more than the actual death of the person that impacts us. it's the impact that that person could have had on us as a society, the world --- the loss of that opportunity that hurts us. who knows what she could have accomplished. and in all honesty, i can't be too sad about it because i feel like people like her know the path they're taking and have reconciled themselves. at this point in history, i almost feel like its a necessary part of the journey. sad but maybe elemental.

two other people who i respect and admire passed away (of less severe causes) around the season --- oscar peterson and michael kidd. more and more people of that stature, those who have created great art are meeting their end, an unavoidable fact but as that occurs, i feel as if i'm walking in a wasteland. to whom do i prostrate? maybe the time of gods are over, i don't know. but i've never yearned for something more, to bask in the glory of one's greatness. to be a part of their dual nature, other-worldly and amazingly human. maybe it's the curse of my generation. maybe someone will create new gods. till then, i'll pay my respects.

the end of 2007 is in sight. i don't know how i feel about looking back upon this year. it is one of massive change in my life but, fortunately, was not the most life-changing in regards to the last couple. i've learned a lot, that's for sure and i guess that's all that anyone can take out of it, no? i mean come on. have i had better luck with men? god no. have i run into obstacles in my professional life? oh yes. and there is nothing out there that says it gets easier but for the first time in a truly long time, i feel happy and at peace. now, i'm not working to escape, i'm working to reach the goals of which i've been dreaming.

and i can't ask for more than that.