just one moment, good people.

one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.

okay, on to the rant.

so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.

but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?

so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.

see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?

no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.

okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.