self-hatred and self-doubt is an ugly thing. it took me a long time to realize that it was external doubt that was fueling my inner demons. right now, i'm still trying to get over something said about me by someone i love who i am just starting to see never really understood me. i have never fit into anyone's plan as a musician. and no one seems to get it, my father doesn't even seem to get it. i have such big plans for myself and this career. whether or not i'll achieve them is another story but just because i don't fall into your idea of what my future should be doesn't make me any less of a musician. i don't like to compared to other people cause i'm not them. they're not me, it's very simple.
and let me make it clear, it's not vanity. i just feel very clearly about what i'm supposed to do with my life. and i hurt because i feel alone because i live in a world of other people's standards. that's not uncommon, i know but the uncertainty it caused in me...it makes me resentful. or made me resentful, shall i say. i guess it just hurts more than anything.
luckily for me, i've finally found a reason to be proud of myself. and i don't think anyone can take it away no matter what's said. i had to get that off of my chest before i left for vacation. it's been a big hump this year. i allowed myself to live with a certain amount of pain and i don't think i'll let myself do it again. on more important terms, my mother's birthday is today (or i guess, yesterday) and i'm so proud of her. she's going through a lot (she quit smoking) and she means the world to me. a very close friend of mine just lost a parent and i grieve for her, immensely. i don't really know what to say to her because i can't fathom what she's dealing with but i just want to put my arms around her. family, i think, can give us purpose. i've had my own problems with my family over the years but these things really make you reevaluate your relationships.
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