there's nothing there

I know a little something about heartaches. literally.

when I have episodes, it feels like someone has my heart balled up in their fist and they squeeze and squeeze. my metaphorical heart, the one I don't take medication for (unless you count cabernet sauvignon & year-old mixtapes), hurts in that same way. when you want someone so badly, miss someone so badly that your heart screams out for mercy. that's how I feel now; forlorn, ripped apart. but what's notable is that in some venus-in-furs way, I savor it. longing for something so beautiful gives me hope, even while my heart is in a chokehold.

for those looking for more factual elements of my life, I won't bore you. I find out tomorrow if I will, indeed, be teaching at Homewood come january, I am up to my eyebrows in musicology and I work all the time. when I'm not listening to such sappy music, I'll give the whole rundown. till then, I'll sit back and wait to be with one of my great loves, new york.