the guardian of your challenge does not cry

so this has definitely been the largest stretch of time i've gone without writing here. i guess it begs the question: has my life been memorable enough to put down in words. on one hand yes, on the other, definitely not. a strange dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

let's see --- i'm trying to live a new life and be a new person here in baltimore and it's happening for me. i finally have found a community within which i feel comfortable so i exercise that comfort. i go out to parties and concerts and try to be as visible as i can. there's no reason for me to stay locked up in my basement. and i've definitely found a few people that i have really connected with which is so exciting. i don't feel quite so alone. however, i have come to a crossroads musically. on the one hand i'm getting better and better every day and on the other, i have to go back to the basics because there's so much internal stuff to fix and that makes me feel like i'm at square one. it just reminds me that i'm choosing the right path. i'm feeling so much love from the musicology department and things are crystallizing for me which is nice. don't get me wrong. the bassoon is my first love and i still want to teach and perform and be the best bassoonist i can be but it's just this: at app everyone wanted to be a secondary education teacher and i didn't want that. at queens everyone wanted to freelance and be a part of the NYC scene and i didn't want that. at peabody, everyone wants to have a ridiculous solo performing career and i don't want that either. i want to be me and do what i want to do and i've grown tired of trying to fit into other people's molds. so i have to make what i want to do work for me where i am.

there are not many places where you can learn to be a matriarch. :)

personally, i've been through a few conflicts in my life. first, a health scare and second, a reevaluation of just who i am. now that thats past, i'm looking over the relationship thing. i'm so comfortable being single just because i think it's easy. so says the introvert only child. but there are so many other things that i have to think about that i have to face (you know, stuff that requires a great deal of therapy) and i have to make the decision to face them. unfortunately for me, i've run into a lot of my past here in baltimore and it's been a challenge to move forward. but i'm doing it. speaking of, another conflict is that of what happens after all of this. i'm going home it's never been more clear to me. and i think i could be the only person around who would be unhappy if i didn't get into carolina and got into yale. i'm ready to be back home around my parents and happy. not that i'm doing badly here, it's a start (much better than new york) but the older i get the more nostalgic i become.

i wonder what gingerich would say about that. (schubert class reference, don't worry about it)

so in two weeks, PSO is playing at the kennedy center honors so watch for it on CBS. i plan on being back in new york in a couple of weeks...i don't know how that's going to work but you know it's worth a shot. :) i'll be home on tuesday and that's going to be amazing i can feel it. it's about time.

what has she written?

wow. i guess i didn't really do things during my undergrad i was posting in here non-stop. and to be honest, i didn't really have anything to talk about. i do now but i don't have time.

oh, the irony.

but it's friday night, i don't have school tomorrow (which is a rarity) so i figured i'd sit down and recollect.

i'm going to go on a rant for a little bit and you must forgive me but i totally agree with whoever says there can't be an intelligent designer when they could make things so imperfectly. i hate my body. i hate the fact that it can't do the simple things, like walking, without feeling that i'm going to need to go to the hospital. i hate feeing like i'm letting people down because i can't do what's asked of me. i couldn't play in my lesson today and even though my teacher insisted that i not play, i couldn't help feeling like a failure. i know that this is a very warped sense of reality and i am dealing with it accordingly but i wish i didn't have to be put in this situation in the first place.

on more down-to-earth news, two weeks till my fall break. i'm very excited...i should find out about my (new) car on monday. tomorrow is my very first orchestra concert at peabody. it's really occurring to me just how different my life is here. this ocncert is sold out. what? oh yeah. i think i could get used to this.

there isn't much very special going on in my life, i'm too busy for that but i'm hopeful.

can't you just come back for a couple of weeks?

just a quick little post to whittle away my last half hour at work.

i called the boss lady at work today. she and martha were very happy to hear from me. apparently, it's swamped in the office and they have no one to replace me (which saddens me, of course) they asked me how i was doing and if i had settled in. it was nice to hear their voices. lisa was like "i can't even imagine starting a new year without you...i need someone that i can, like, do stuff with." that job was a very important part of my life for almost four years. they became my family and that's not something that's easy to give up. i can't wait till i go back and see them. just watch, everything will have changed.

i really wish i could explain to others, and to myself, why i love my home state so much. it's something so uniquely american, i feel. i've just been mad digging on n.c. the past couple of weeks. going to obx inspired me, i think. that and when i invited all of my friends list to join "race for the states - north carolina" that they did! and after app state beat michigan, i felt like it was freaking christmas (i'm still talking about it and it was saturday) i don't know. no place beats home, anyone's home and that's a big part but i'll be damned --- i've been to a lot of places and none of them are as beautiful as north carolina.

we're all growing up, the way it's supposed to be.

long time, no see.

i've been absurdly busy over the past few weeks with my move to baltimore. that and starting at a new school had taken over my life but i'm finally at a point where i can at least write --- sit down, catch my breath. this is an entirely new experience for me. when i walk to the bus i take to school, i walk through these beautiful neighborhoods filled with painted lady row houses, hidden by trees saying in the breeze. i can't explain to you how different that is from a walk i used to take to achieve the same purpose. it's just so invigorating. but then again, so is the newness of everything. but honestly, as i sit here in my new room, i feel old hat at at least most of it. i'm just glad this isn't like five years ago. i don't feel lonely like i did when i moved to new york or when i moved to boone for that mater. i just feel good.

i realized the other night that this is the first time in a long time that i've been really stable. like i have nothing in my life to complain about. i'm not depressed and i feel really good about life and where it's going. did i just have to move out of new york to achieve all of that? i don't think so, but it helps. i've been calling people and reaching out to people and feels so nice. like why hold back? everyone, i'm cool with you. it's all good.

i am scared of what lies ahead. can i handle it? yeah but who knows how... but that is life. i'm not worrying about it too much.

the transition from summer into fall is, in my opinion, the best time of year (after the beginning of spring, of course) i wish it stayed this way all the time. now all i have to do is start playing and find me a relationship, oh yeah and buy a car, and i'll be set.

from murphy to manteo, city streets or a country mile.

so i've been noticeably absent --- traveling all over the place getting things ready for the big move. but it hasn't all been work. i just got back from a trip to the outer banks with a friend of mine and man oh man, was that what i needed. i'll break it down to you in a nutshell (aka, list form) as to why this trip was amazing:

- THE OUTER BANKS!
- at the beach during the hottest week on record
- sea kayaking with dolphins (at high tide no less)
- the wright brothers memorial at night
- walking along the beach at night with TONS of ghost crabs
- dairy queen and a putt-putt golf course with a train ride
- riding in the back (flatbed) of a truck to said dairy queen
- driving down 12 south
- jockey's ridge, the cape hatteras national seashore and the bodie island lighthouse
- real north carolina barbecue

it was jampacked and i didn't get much time to rest. so i should be resting now. and i will...i'm just having such a good time reminiscing. i mean i really love north carolina for those of you who don't know. it's just such an amazing place. i mean you know the saying...."you know how i know god's from north carolina? cause he made the sky tarheel blue."

it is a curious story, i have it written in faded ink.

so besides the cd of schubert lieder by ian bostridge, i also purchased blair tindall's mozart in the jungle with my ever so fabulous barnes and noble gift card (thank you dorothy!) but i decided to save it for a rainy day or plane ride seeing as how i'm still in the middle of the behemoth that is alexander hamilton. well this weekend, i went to baltimore to go house hunting and i figured that this was a perfect time to start the book. i immediately had a connection with the author. there were so many things in common. first the surface stuff: her childhood took place in chapel hill, she started playing oboe young and then ended up going to ncsa (north carolina school of the arts) to study with joseph robinson. i, of course, identified with pretty much ALL of that. and then, moving to new york and working on the freelance scene while going to school. that has been my life as of late. now that stuff is all fine and dandy but it's the other stuff i realized while reading the book that made me think.

the life she described hasn't changed all too much. (and allow me to get a little candid as this post goes along) ncsa is still notorious for loose education, drugs and sex (which of course was the big topic when i was 15/16, the age when you could apply for their high school division) and the new york scene hasn't changed much at all. some things have made it obviously different because there was no choice but i've learned that in new york things only modify, variate. instead of people doing a lot of hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroin, people are taking a lot of prescription drugs. they're still drinking a lot (i can attest to that personally) and sleeping with everyone (that too) but it's not quite as rampant as i am a generation or so behind the outbreak of AIDS in new york. but the scene is still small and when you're in it's a whole number of things. people that she talks about in the book are teachers of mine and my friends and still play. you know their names and their exploits. and as a young bassoonist cutting her teeth, it was difficult but i took every gig and gave out my number, schmoozed at every party and always played the best that i could from rivington street in the village to commack, LI.

i've had my own experiences, some good, some not so good. others, far worse. sleeping with married men, doing a lot of drugs (the list goes on) will cause a lot of problems for you, if that's your thing. my thing was dealing with hardcore depression, fear of becoming an alcoholic, taking crazy people pills and spending a big chunk of time in the hospital due to a bad heart. but all of those things are common in the community of which i am a part. musicians tend to have problems. just like how they say actors become actors because they're not very comfortable and secure with who they are well it's like that. okay, except not really. sometimes its the pressure --- the pressure of living up to people's expectations, to make something beautiful when that option is never really within reach, compensating for having to play in front of an audience (i am always surprised at how many people who spend their lives on stage have stage fright), and sometimes its the nature of the beast.

but despite all of those things, it is an amazing world that others just can not understand. whether it's playing in the community orchestra outside of town, being called in for the sub gig, playing with your friends or playing at alice tully hall, it's pretty fucking special. and what's better than to be surrounded by a bunch of crazy bastards who understand you? you can get drunk with them, sleep with them, get high and watch dvds of heifetz and rubenstein, make reeds all night and learn about everybody's business. and speaking from experience, that's awesome.

this book made me realize that i'm going to miss new york. i loved new york, i always have. i just hated the circumstances that surrounded my life in new york. that and the fact that i'm 3/4 country and 1/4 city and i was missing my trees. but that life there is unlike anything else. maybe, later on in life, i'll return to it. maybe when i'm stronger and when i've stopped hating queens college. new york will always be a part of me, it's where i was born!

well that's enough of that, i suppose. just stuff that had been mulling around in my brain for a little bit. if you're wondering, i didn't find a place to live so i'm sure i'll be heading back to baltimore soon to take care of that. god, i can't wait. it was such an awful trip. i hate moving, trying to find a new place and everything that all of that entails. i'm ready to go back to school.

you heard the terrible sound of the wild swan's wings

i love it when things come together. i got a loan from sallie mae for the whole school year that, yes, takes care of my entire tuition and that's really the big thing. i hate the fact that money can make people go so crazy because god knows i was stressing about paying my tuition (especially since the postmark date for fall 07 tuition is august 10th). but it's like with that and the acquiring of this lab assistant job, i feel like i can relax. i'm going up to baltimore this saturday to find a place. i have a couple of places to look at that are nice and affordable and close (close is very important, i don't know if and when i'll have a car) and when that's all done, i'm going to change my phone number and pack up all the stuff in new york and move it down. wow, that's a lot of stuff to do.

part of me can't believe that it's all happening. i look at my acceptance letter and then i really can't believe it.

in other news, i'm a sucker for sappy love stories. i hung out with my favorite engaged couple last night and they finally told me the proposal story and i couldn't handle it. it gives me hope since i was laughing and crying the whole way. they're cute and i hope for something similar. and as far as other people's love lives --- i'm staying out of them. far far far away. especially if the other person's love life is the product of bad habits that i don't see changing at any point in time. mine (however non-existent it may be at this point) is enough for me to deal with.

well right about now i'm really wishing i had bought that dulce de leche ice cream but hey, we all make mistakes.