so just an update on the adapter situation from yesterday...so my adapter shorted out for like five minutes. so now i have an adapter that works and another on the way. i couldn't be more furious. but we have to look at the upsides, right? and the upside is, this adapter is on the way out and as soon as this one comes, i'm going to stop using this flimsy apple adapter. my god, you'd think they'd know better.
my teacher called me today from her new house upstate. she had been meaning to call me all week to say thank you for the card i wrote her. she told me how incredibly sweet it was and that it moved her. and she read it out loud to her husband who was also moved. of course, i got choked up, as is my way. i'm ridiculously sentimental and i have a tendency to make adults cry (which only leads to me crying and it's a whole vicious cycle) so this is par for the course for me. apparently, people don't thank her --- at all. that surprised me. everyone i talk to loves her. but whatever to them, i definitely let her know how much of an impact she's had on me over the past four years. so of course after we talked and she talked about keeping in touch, i let out this faux cry/whine to which she laughed. she sounded a little sad, though. but she doesn't have time to be sad, she's too busy.
so yes, i changed the layout, color-wise. it was getting a little too dark for me and i usually end up gravitating towards white for my blogs. greater color palette, i suppose. i really should change the song (not that i don't love v/e's recording of the saint-saens), to what i don't know. and the screenshot isn't even right. yikes.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
the floor lay paved with broken hearts
you know, apple, i'm really not happy with you right now. yes, the iPhone came out today, we are all aware. but playing the commercials every 30 seconds does not make me any more able to buy it than before. but that's not even why i'm angry. i'm angry because my notebook adapter just shorted out and the replacement costs $80! i'm tired of giving you my money on replacement stuff. thank god there are non apple brands for this sort of thing so i'm buying one that's more than half of yours. if stuff like this keeps adding up...
oh yeah, another thing. itunes store? don't offer only some of the tracks from an album and not all. i went to buy the tracks i was missing from britten's the turn of the screw and i was missing the last track from disc one, the one i had been LONGING to get (oh ian bostridge, even the reviews talk about how seductive you are --- even if in this case it's a thinly veiled description of someone's homosexual overtures towards boys wrapped up in james' guise of evil from beyond the grave) and i have to buy the whole album to get that track. are you kidding me? i'm on the fence about all of this.
moving away from the corporate, i've been talking a lot to people about (them) moving out of new york. too many blackouts. not enough trees. it does me good, partly because i think i'm ready to go. i think as you become an adult, the more stability you crave. i refuse to believe that new york can ever be stable. and that's not a bad thing, just my opinion. good thing north carolina is always waiting for me.
and yes, there are other reasons to leave new york. i'm reminded of this every single day. i went out to the island last night and had an encounter with a beautiful man. of course that did not come to fruition in any way imaginable. it just wasn't possible. i was in bay shore and i wasn't white, blonde and wearing a skirt. i wasn't meant to be.
okay, i should shut off my computer before it completely dies on me.
oh yeah, another thing. itunes store? don't offer only some of the tracks from an album and not all. i went to buy the tracks i was missing from britten's the turn of the screw and i was missing the last track from disc one, the one i had been LONGING to get (oh ian bostridge, even the reviews talk about how seductive you are --- even if in this case it's a thinly veiled description of someone's homosexual overtures towards boys wrapped up in james' guise of evil from beyond the grave) and i have to buy the whole album to get that track. are you kidding me? i'm on the fence about all of this.
moving away from the corporate, i've been talking a lot to people about (them) moving out of new york. too many blackouts. not enough trees. it does me good, partly because i think i'm ready to go. i think as you become an adult, the more stability you crave. i refuse to believe that new york can ever be stable. and that's not a bad thing, just my opinion. good thing north carolina is always waiting for me.
and yes, there are other reasons to leave new york. i'm reminded of this every single day. i went out to the island last night and had an encounter with a beautiful man. of course that did not come to fruition in any way imaginable. it just wasn't possible. i was in bay shore and i wasn't white, blonde and wearing a skirt. i wasn't meant to be.
okay, i should shut off my computer before it completely dies on me.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Dann sternlose Nacht, sei willkommen.
oh, there's so much i've wanted to say over the past three days or so i don't even know where to begin. let's see if i can put this into some kind of coherent order.
yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.
continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.
friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.
the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?
yesterday night was the student concert for the institute. it went really well and the danzi (my piece) just shone right through. it was evident how hard the boys had worked to pull this piece of and i couldn't have been prouder. in noah's introduction, he thanked lauren and i for all the help we'd given them and even though i knew ahead of time that he was going to say something like that, it still got me really choked up. and then, after everything had been played and we were all on stage, matt said that there were two people that he wanted to thank, who had mentored and been of invaluable help --- lauren and i. that caught me really off guard (matt told me later that he had wanted it to be a surprise) we came up to the front and bowed and i was just real emotional. i love to teach and work with other musicians. no matter how much i may gripe about my own personal stuff, it comes down to the music and the experience and it's worth it. i mean, ed summed up best when he said he was glad i was a "good sport", to which i laughed. if i can help anyone reach a deeper personal understanding of music on any level, i feel satisfied. and i got the gratification my little ego was looking for and it was genuine so all the other stuff got washed away, thank god. i got a ton of phone numbers/emails/facebook stuff and i hope everyone tries to stay in touch. it's amazing how tightly music brings people together.
continuing with that feeling, sam and i (along with lauren and jaywon) went to the quintet of the americas concert in jackson heights today. of course, that was beyond emotional for me because it's the last i would get to see my teacher before she moved upstate. the concert was great, the audience was terrible and i had a very good time. i said my final goodbyes to the quintet that means so much to me. they sent me off with nothing but good wishes and calls to email/call them, keep in touch and call about the summer. i'm sad that i don't know when i'll see them again but i'll do my best to see them perform again soon. saying goodbye to laura was hard for me. i wrote her this huge, elegiac sort of thing in a card that i got (she said she'd save it and read it in the hotel room --- she "loves love notes") and we hugged, talked. i feel like a little piece of my heart is gone. but not gone gone.
friday night was the season closer for the new york philharmonic. i went with sam, we had orchestra seats (the concept of that always puzzled me) and the house was full. the first half of the program was strauss songs performed by deborah voight which of course was fantastic. but mahler 7...oh this was an experience of a lifetime. short of the audience clapping after every movement and the concert ending at 10:40, it was heavenly. phil myers is a horn playing god and glenn dicterow is not to be messed with. these, of course, are my very un-scholarly opinions of the concert. i am allowed to have those. that being said, this was the best concert i've been to all year, by far.
the week ended the way it was supposed to, i believe. i had my last day of work and that, too, was emotional. they got me a cake and gifts, it was all very nice. i'm done being stressed out over silly things which is always good. now, i just have to make up for all the sleep i lost over this week. isn't that what summer's for?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
i've grown tired of [t]his puppyhood.
well it's day three of the institute and things have made a turn for the better. i really like my group --- the three high school boys are really great and cute, you know, eager. and lauren, the flautist is a riot. great flute player. i'm really starting to sink into my role as "assistant" and my ego is definitely more in check...
"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."
cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.
today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.
i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)
okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!
"you're expected to have opinions. you don't leave your ego at the door. you bring it inside and put it on display."
cause i mean the bassoonists are great, i may be the oldest one or that might be sasha but i seem like the one the most anchored which doesn't mean anything except for what i just said. and its nice to know one's role. laura kind of looks to me for god knows what and she definitely doesn't have to talk to me about things, most likely because i already know what she's about to say. but everyone's really nice this year, those i get a chance to talk to, and i definitely feel better about the pieces. so all and all, it's shaping up.
today, we went to a gallery over on rivington and norfolk to talk about art and listen to matt (sullivan, oboist) play some of his pieces. i've heard them several times but it's always nice to hear them again. i talked to ken, the artist, who i've known now for several years and i ran into two of my favorite co-workers who were rehearsing right across the street. earlier that day, lauren asked me to play some bach continuo parts for the gallery. well there ended up being no piano so lauren, anna (another flautist who was going to play piano) and i played the bach sonata as a trio and it was fantastic. people were stopping from off the street and just standing to listen which was always nice and everyone liked it. bach is a breath of fresh air after a couple of electronic music/minimalist pieces. afterwards, barb(ara oldham, horn) came up to me and told me how good it was and that she was so proud of me to see how i've grown as a musician. i was so flattered. she gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek and i was just like, wow, another person that's part of my musical development. at that very moment, i stopped to think about what she was saying. it seems like only yesterday i was playing the nielsen (quintet) with her. of course, yesterday is four years ago. and so much has changed with me as a person and as a musician. the members of this quintet, to me, have become somewhat of a family --- musical godparents, if you will. i value what they have to say a great deal and it was at this institute four years ago that i had a musical pivotal moment. they inspired me to go with an exclamation mark. and go i did.
i'm very grateful for all they've given me and sad to leave them. and they do love me which definitely doesn't help. (and for those of you who don't know who they are, the new yorker calls them "innovative" --- quintet of the americas)
okay, this is getting me emotional, again, so i should stop. tomorrow is the barbecue, i plan to take lots of pictures so beware! now thursday is Make Music day all around the world. i was invited to play at one of the concerts part of make music new york, a performance of terry riley's in c (matt asked me, another thrill and honor) but i can't because i'll be making music up the street singing "what i did for love" for marvin hamlisch. (as matt said, "girl, you busy!") i'm excited because it will be time i get to spend with my theatre friends of which i don't do enough. there will be pictures from that, too. if any of you are in new york, you should definitely come to our set of concerts on friday and saturday. they're free and it's good music. okay, i've done way too much plugging in this post. and no commission!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
did you say that i was nice? and studious? and pretty!
i have to get over the fact that we all have to and want our egos to be stroked. it's subconscious, i think. me being a musician makes it even worse and i don't know how to feel. maybe i should just acknowledge it and move on and have that be the best thing. it's really not as serious as it sounds, folks! i started the NYU summer institute for wind quintet and chamber music today. i've been doing it for the past four years and i've loved it. i was especially happy to do it this time considering this is the last time i will be able to...i get to spend time with great musicians and of course my wonderful teacher and her equally wonderful quintet. we were placed in our quintets and the piece my quintet is working on is one of the danzi quintets. and what do i do? i get upset (internally) because someone else is playing the ligeti and the francaix blah blah blah. i know how silly it was of me to get that way. i was asked to play not just because they needed a bassoonist but because they know me and my chamber music experience. i'm playing in a group that doesn't have as much experience and i'm there to help them out which i LOVE. but no, all of that got lost in my ego. well after a nice ride on the train, i think i set my self straight. i thought about how great i felt after working with my mendelssohn trio and then i just realized i was being silly. and the worst part is, i know it's from insecurity. the fact that i'm always trying to prove myself. "yeah, i can play that music, too." i don't know why its still in me. i know how good i am. people respect me. old habits die hard, i guess.
on the happier side of things, the institute is going to be great. my friend sam is there along with some other people i know. everyone there seems really excited. i hate that i'm going to be so separated from them due to summer school but i'll do what i can. and of course, laura never lets me down. i love her and i'm not ready to leave her! i hope to have a great experience, i really do. i know i can be off-putting (shock of shocks) but i'm here to learn like everyone else.
ugh, could i get any more sappy/motivational poster-ish?
wow, now that i've vented all of that, i feel like i don't have anything else to say. i think there will be more as the week progresses...that and an update from the q (marvin hamlisch) gala, make music new york and the close of the new york phil season: mahler 9, deborah voight conducted by maazel. oh yeah. happy father's day!
on the happier side of things, the institute is going to be great. my friend sam is there along with some other people i know. everyone there seems really excited. i hate that i'm going to be so separated from them due to summer school but i'll do what i can. and of course, laura never lets me down. i love her and i'm not ready to leave her! i hope to have a great experience, i really do. i know i can be off-putting (shock of shocks) but i'm here to learn like everyone else.
ugh, could i get any more sappy/motivational poster-ish?
wow, now that i've vented all of that, i feel like i don't have anything else to say. i think there will be more as the week progresses...that and an update from the q (marvin hamlisch) gala, make music new york and the close of the new york phil season: mahler 9, deborah voight conducted by maazel. oh yeah. happy father's day!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
what have you done for me lately?
so my alarm didn't go off this morning (or i didn't hear it) and i was sleeping, too busy dreaming about the release of leopard os 10.5 (and someone giving me an 17" apple cinema display for free) and when i woke up and went immediately to macthemes and macrumors, i realized that i've been spending too much time on the forums talking to developers and programmers.
i know i've mentioned about being a nerd here --- i don't think people really understand how deep it goes. i was out with some of my friends the other day and i was talking about way back in the day when my first computer was a tandy and i was typing out all of this dos stuff on a black screen. what a childhood.
there's nothing like learning about human nature and the state of your society as a whole by being in school, namely a political science class. and not because of what's being taught but because of what's coming out of people's mouth. i should learn to stop being so surprised at what people say. sometimes i worry. sometimes i'm amazed at the things that i don't know (which of course saddens me), i'm never amazed at what other's don't know (which also saddens me) and i mean i guess that's what college is for blah blah blah but i really wonder.
going back to the beginning of this post for a hot sec, i got my graduation present --- a new battery for my laptop. i know that sounds silly but it's making my life so much easier right now i can't even tell you. and i'm watching free stuff hoping that maybe just once in my life i could get some free stuff. maybe that's what my dream was for! i'll update you on that one.
in other very random not-tech news, the real world (mtv not the actual real world) is ridiculous. i used to be an overly dramatic person, like to the point of sheer mania. thanks to experience and some people with a knack for tough love (and being jackasses) i grew out of it. to think that people could be that dramatic is beyond words to me, like serious. how do people make it through life acting in such a way? oh yeah, i guess by being on tv.
and i would have no problem having dinner with an ex. it shows a certain level of maturity. and though i hate to admit it, my exes are all pretty good good guys...
those of you who know how i talk and my sense of humor will understand that immediately. and for those who don't, i'm being serious, just with a smile on my face.
i know i've mentioned about being a nerd here --- i don't think people really understand how deep it goes. i was out with some of my friends the other day and i was talking about way back in the day when my first computer was a tandy and i was typing out all of this dos stuff on a black screen. what a childhood.
there's nothing like learning about human nature and the state of your society as a whole by being in school, namely a political science class. and not because of what's being taught but because of what's coming out of people's mouth. i should learn to stop being so surprised at what people say. sometimes i worry. sometimes i'm amazed at the things that i don't know (which of course saddens me), i'm never amazed at what other's don't know (which also saddens me) and i mean i guess that's what college is for blah blah blah but i really wonder.
going back to the beginning of this post for a hot sec, i got my graduation present --- a new battery for my laptop. i know that sounds silly but it's making my life so much easier right now i can't even tell you. and i'm watching free stuff hoping that maybe just once in my life i could get some free stuff. maybe that's what my dream was for! i'll update you on that one.
in other very random not-tech news, the real world (mtv not the actual real world) is ridiculous. i used to be an overly dramatic person, like to the point of sheer mania. thanks to experience and some people with a knack for tough love (and being jackasses) i grew out of it. to think that people could be that dramatic is beyond words to me, like serious. how do people make it through life acting in such a way? oh yeah, i guess by being on tv.
and i would have no problem having dinner with an ex. it shows a certain level of maturity. and though i hate to admit it, my exes are all pretty good good guys...
those of you who know how i talk and my sense of humor will understand that immediately. and for those who don't, i'm being serious, just with a smile on my face.
Monday, June 11, 2007
just one moment, good people.
one quick thing before i go on my diatribe about being a pansy and getting all sad because i'm leaving. there was (key word is was) a poster on the wall on the second (third) floor over by the soda machine and the stairs (for those of you who are familiar with the building) and every day that i passed it, for a month now, i grew enraged. finally, thanks to a talk with the boss lady, i went over to that wall, took down the poster and tore it up. it felt good. and not in that fatal attraction sort of way. i just felt feelings subside and dissapate. it's beautiful, really.
okay, on to the rant.
so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.
but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?
so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.
see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?
no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.
okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.
okay, on to the rant.
so the semester is coming to an end at my job. (oh, damn have i mentioned my job before? if not, i work at a music preparatory school) all of our orchestras gave a concert yesterday and of course, it was bedlam. my boss was sick so i was hired as orchestra manager/stage manager/bassoonist. the conductor and my boss were on two completely different planes of thought, people were missing and rehearsals were going badly. but i helped reel it all in and the concert went well. the conductor bought me lunch and it was nice. and the whole time it was like "i can't thank you enough" which leads to "i don't know what we're going to do when you're gone.". lisa (my boss) told me that she identifies CPSM with me because i've been there for over three years. everyone's already started saying all of their goodbyes (some teachers are done, we have make-up weeks coming up) and of course, it's getting to me. i love my job more than anything and i can't even think of someone else doing my job. so of course i spent another weekend being sad. (i'm getting real tired of this, by the way) i am so attached to my co-workers, the parents and definitely the students --- they're smart, talented and, for the most part, really great kids. it's gonna be hard to give up.
but in two weeks i'm having a little tiny party. isn't that exciting?
so i've been thinking about other things, too. people. closure is the most amazing thing in the world. last night, as i was studying, my mind started to wander as it often does. and i think i was thinking about peope that i'm not going to miss and how it took me a long time to realize that not everyone in this world, no, let's make it simple --- not everyone around me is or has been down for me. and in that instance, i realized that with certain people in my life, i have achieved closure. you know, me and my ex-boyfriend went through a lot. i said a lot of horrible things to/about him because i felt like he had hurt me a lot, he had to deal with me and all of my insanity and me being sick and in the hospital. he also made me look like a fool on more than one occasion. but when we were together, it was nice. and he is a great person that i just could never understand. (and let's not forget that there were people would have fought for me and my honor over this which i love...) but with one hug, all of that was washed away. and i don't think i really grasped that until yesterday. i feel bad in a way because i was a really terrible person. but i don't think it matters now because i think we both forgave each other. now i had been waiting two years for that and it's fucking great. unfortunately, for others, it's not so easy. i have cut people out of my life completely because there is just no forgiving at this point. i know that there are some people who were my "friends" who now hate me but i can't do anything about it. there are some people who i wish desperately were back in my life and would talk to me because i still care but i don't think it's going to happen. such is the nature of life and moving on.
see why i spent so much time trying to be a hermit?
no, people matter. they matter to me and i guess i'm not going to stop being sad for quite some time. i'll get over it but now, in the mix, it sucks.
okay, enough of that. i have my spanish lit final today and i am praying to god almighty that i don't fail. i studied and will be studying after this class is over but i feel like it's really not going to do me any good. this is the scariest thing that could possibly happen to me right now. okay, can't talk about it. got to listen to political science.
Friday, June 8, 2007
but an unconstant lover is worse than any thief.
is it possible for a song to make you feel in love?
new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.
with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.
but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.
(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)
new york city (for musicians at least) is a really small town. i'm reminded of that every day, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. sometimes i feel like a baby because the connections between people that i know are always being revealed to me but then i remember that this was not the life i chose. i were going to stay here and had that been my plan, i'd know all of these people, too. and i do have my "connections"...i've been making them long before i moved to new york. i'm a schmoozer, what can i say? i get it from my dad.
with all that being said, i hope that things don't come to a head this weekend. apparently, new york is so small that there are no other bassoonists to be found. but i already gave lisa the go-ahead. whether she chooses to do so or not is entirely up to her.
but enough about that, i'm in love! the above question was purely rhetorical because we all know that it is possible. and if you don't believe me, just listen.
(may not work on firefox...or just my firefox, who knows)
your hands lie open in the long fresh grass.
this summer has turned out to be more emotional than i ever expected it to be and i don't know how i feel about that just yet.
as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.
but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.
right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.
as far as my personal life is concerned, every day i wake up pretty happy which is a change (a necessary change if i say so myself) and i've felt better than i've felt in a really long time. the downside of that, however, is the fact that every day i come closer to the realization that i'm leaving and as blissful as that is, while i'm in new york it's all about the people i'm leaving behind. and i see them at school or in the street and they invite me out and i look at my pictures and i just get so sad. but it's okay because i love them and these are all good things --- we all have to move on.
but i think i'm going out with a bang. laura and matt (sullivan) talked to me again about playing at the nyu summer institute which i have been doing since its inception four years ago. i always love playing with them so i expect that to be a good time. also, i'm singing at a dinner for marvin hamlisch in a couple of weeks which should be very exciting. (maybe he'll finally give the arts departments at queens some money) i like having stuff to do (like summer school wasn't enough) and of course if they're things like this, then i'm happy.
right now i'm listening to vaughan williams' the house of life (note to self and anyone else: if you're sad, don't listen to vaughan williams) and its so beautiful. i'm actually on my way to school to go and rape the library of any and all things ian bostridge. i spent all night last night listening to britten's turn of the screw and it was just so good. i kick myself that i missed seeing him perform at carnegie hall this time last year but hopefully i'll be able to see him at some point.
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