i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.


i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.

Meinem Groβeltern möchten der Fernsehen einschalten aus dasselbe Kanal.

people who know me know that there are a few things that i am fiercely passionate about: the constitution, barbecue/pigs, chamber music...you get the idea. but one thing that i have a serious love for is the wind ensemble. you all may think that stupid of me but i've found myself on the defensive end especially moving to new york trying to convert people and make them see that, i don't know, it's an art form just like all the other types of classical music. i mean, you don't have to like it (by al means) but don't disrespect to my face the thing that has inspired my musical growth. i know that new york is all about the conservatory and symphonic music but my god, this is one of the most american art forms i can think of --- if anything, it has supported so many great american musicians/composers/conductors over the years. it's such an amazing vessel.

and the last thing i'll say is this: i can tell you the occasions upon which i have cried either playing or listening to a piece of classical music but i can NOT tell you how many times a wind ensemble piece has stirred my very soul. i have had moments.

i know it's been a while since i've written here. my life has been caught up around a lot of things and to be honest, i've just been too emotionally distraught to talk about things which is heady i know but that's how i get sometimes. but there have been little snippets of good here and there --- marc goldberg just emailed me about meeting him and having a lesson before my audition next week and i got notification in the mail from the registrar about filing for graduation. plus, when i told my boyfriend i needed a hug, he gave me a hug. can't get much better than that.

i don't know how the next couple of weeks are going to be, it's almost to the point of fearful but i can't psych myself out about it. who knew all of this would be so hard?

the most beautiful place on earth.

i had an interview at new york city opera today. i went in through the stage door at the new york state theater (home of city opera and new york city ballet) but that's another story. i am often at lincoln center but every now and then i go stand at the fountain in the middle and go "damn, this place is amazing."

now it's not just because i'm a musician blah blah blah. the architecture there is simply gorgeous. and if you want to see it at its best, and presumably, new york at its best, go to the fountain during the summer in the mid afternoon. kids playing in the fountain, people running around and taking pictures, beautiful blue skies above...you can't beat it. now i do feel the same way about other fountains and other parks in the city, i.e. washington square park but go to lincoln center and you know, you just know. any time of the year, any time of day (oh, ESPECIALLY at night when the met is all lit up) it evokes a feeling of wonder and elegance that i think is really unmatched anywhere in the city.

but that might just be me. ;)

the splendor falls on castle walls

i should not drink.

i have always known that one of these days, i would drink alone and slowly but surely become an alcoholic. it runs in the family. i don't drink as much as i used to because of the heart surgery. actually, i rarely drink at all but last night i was incredibly depressed and i have three bottles of wine in my refridgerator. now it's not like i went and got trashed or anything --- i sipped on a glass of wine but the thing is, i wasn't alone. throughout all of it, my boyfriend was reassuring me over the phone that all is well with me and that i have every reason to have a lot on my mind.

so tonight, i'm drinking water and ginger ale. i just finished practicing and have a healthy amount of trust and faith in myself. i'm a very lucky woman.

another man that i've welcomed into my life is tenor ian bostridge. as it often goes, i've found another thin pasty white boy with whom i can fall in love. now i have a bunch of recordings of his (right now i'm listening to Britten's Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings, op. 31 from his britten album (les illumnations, serenade for tenor, horn and strings, nocturnes) and i just got a recording of him singing schumann lieder) and the thing is, i watched a taping of a staged version of schubert's winterreise with him and it was then that i realized how small he is. he's a waif. puny with a schoolboy english accent. but his voice is amazing. you would never tell when you listen to him sing.

so there. i luff him. and i usually don't have a thing for singers. there's a disconnect with me for some reason that i'd rather not get into right now. but if anyone can get me a tape of that winterreise, i'll give you a cookie.

thank you for styling.

now i may be a geek, to that i will testify but i am also a fashion icon in the making. (i will be the hottest musicology professor you will ever see) and since i've had my geeky posts on here, i figure i better balance out the scales. and what better way to do it than with the fashion from the golden globes.

let's get something straight here. i don't watch awards shows. why? because there are no awards for what i do. and i want shiny things. and to get dressed up. and it does nothing for my ego to see other people look all fancy, get things for free and get wasted on television.

but i do watch preshows because i have to see what everyone is wearing, see if i'm up with the times (or ahead as i sometimes am, living in new york city) and to see giant fashion disasters. so the golden globes...


helen mirren. my god, i have the biggest girl crush on her EVER. and she looked so amazing. i mean definitely not looking like anyone's grandma that i know. she was looking hot. and good for her on both of her wins (hbo's elizabeth I is captivating, i have watched it like a billion times, she is amazing and jeremy irons is so fine)



reese witherspoon, singleness becomes you (i understand that, girl). she lit up the red carpet with her straightened, breezy hair and yellow nina ricci gown. outstanding.

penelope cruz. i have nothing to say. if i could be salma hayek, i would and would propogate all sorts of rumors about us being lovers. this dress is beautiful and she never fails to astound. (that's right, chanel couture)

now all i'm hoping for is that someone, i don't know, like my boyfriend, will give me an opportunity to dress up and feel pretty. i mean, i act like a nerd all the time.

putting one foot forward

now i'm switching back and forth between countdown with keith olbermann (which i usually catch at 8 but i was out having dinner) and sundance's iconoclasts, this episode dave chappelle and maya angelou which i had been dying to see and i listen to maya angelou say this one thing:

"don't pick it up and don't lay it down. when someone tells you 'you're the best, you're the greatest, you're the finest artist of your time. you say 'ah.' cause if you pick it up when they say that, you have to pick it up when they say, 'you lost it, you're worthless, you had it all.' don't pick it up, don't lay it down."

i think i've tried to live by something akin to that in my life. in this business of music, the ability to have an inflated ego (among other things) is not only prevalent, it's sometimes necessary. if you don't have the brash confidence in yourself to say, "yeah, i'm a bad mother fucker. i will get on stage and be the most amazing thing you've ever heard/seen." you won't get anywhere. and because of that, after years, it tends to stick. i've always believed that whatever talent i have (and the good sense to work at it and make it better) is god given (see LJ entry lift the body of christ with your spiritual gifts) and find myself being somewhat self-effacing in the process. but at the same time, i am also severly self-analytical and harsh.

so i think the attitude of not letting everything that people say determine where or who you are, well may be some what of an understatement but is true. i guess it's never been put quite so eloquently than this.