hormones, repressed feelings and anxiety make us do wild things.
like act like a child when you're a grown-up or act like someone who's looking to be casual and fancy free when you really want a relationship. it's the "i'll-take-anything" mentality. and sometimes, it's nice to indulge it (even at the sake of your own embarrassment) but then comes that adage of curiosity killing some cat somewhere and you realize that it could be a dangerous path.
who really wants to singe their whiskers?
especially when there might be greater things around the corner? i've grown pretty impatient with a lot of of things --- mainly, being an adult and all that comes with it; worrying about school and the economy, paying my rent, taxes, bills, and of course, wondering why i'm not married yet. so why not have dalliances and run around with people twice one's age (or the square root of one's age) and laugh and be silly in the face of such terrifying danger? because, i know better or at least, a little more. i know that if i just wait all my questions will be answered, desires and urges squashed. and as fun as it may be to have those desires, it's also a lot more fun just to be calm. (everyone else enjoys it, too)
so i'll wait, sit on my hands and stop myself from doing anything too rash. i can not get too close and still be warm.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
you know, the birds who can't sleep at night
it's 1:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here at my computer, listening to Ravel's Piano Trio in A minor (III. Passacaille), ruminating over my life, as is the profound effect that music has on me when i really listen to it, wondering just what the hell is going on. i leave for raleigh not too long from now and i think that will help clear things up for me.
the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?
i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.
but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.
okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...
the beginning of this (school) year has been nothing but madness. dare i say, a continuation of the months prior with a dash of flavor to keep things interesting. i just feel like i've been kicked in the gut over and over again (even though sprenkle refers to that as what emily dickinson says great art should do) and i'm so dissatisfied. but who wants to listen to me complain?
i think everyone needed this break right about now. if ever the term "at one's wit's end" became tangible and visible, you'd see it on the face of every peabody student. not to mention the toll of what's going on in the world, in general. most of them don't have to deal with it directly because they're too young for it to have really affected them but it wears on me in a way that i can not explain. people are hurting and suffering everywhere and anyone with any bit of empathy really understands how calamitous that is.
but if i make it through october all will be well. november is the month of optimism and excitement. just about three weeks out of the month, i will be out of town and that is a glorious thing. what awaits me? i can not say but the prospects are scintillating. getting the chance to mix with people at AMS/SMT will be, no doubt, of great use to me. plus, i love nashville! everyone needs to get out every now and then.
okay, i admit it, this blog entry was a device to keep me from packing, an activity that i loathe but since i must get to bed, it can't be avoided. but i think i'll listen to the ravel one more time...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
when two worlds collide
how do the mata haris of the world do it? and no i don't mean espionage and double-crossing. i mean leading two lives. it is a complicated balance that could give way at any moment. most of the time, i do it pretty well. today is an example of how i can and can't at the same time.
i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.
plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.
but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.
in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.
back to the debate!
i found out yesterday that i have been named one of the recipients of the AMS Eileen Southern Travel Fund, a fund that has been established by the Committee on Cultural Diversity at AMS, a group that works to promotes scholarship among under-represented groups in musicology. this is, quite possibly, the best thing that's happened to me this academic year. but this fund requires me to stay at the conference for the entire time which had not been my plan due to the second Camerata concert of the season (Adams and Schoenberg, agh!) i spoke with the ensemble coordinator today, he assured me that it's not a big deal (considering that there's a great deal of time before that concert) and that i need to find a bassoonist to play for me. i felt relieved but still sad. but hey, you have to do what you have to do.
plus, everyone's really excited for me and i'm really happy that that is happening. i need something about which to be excited.
but why is there such a backlash between being a performer and being a scholar? i think the two are inextricably linked, at least they are for me. i can't give one thing up but everyone wants me to. strange...i feel like this comes from personal experience. but this is nothing new for me because i always find a way to do the things that i want to do in the way which i want to do them. i mean that's only fair, if i'm going to be posed with such decisions.
in other news, it has been raining a lot and i've done my share of crying. frustration is good because it shows that you care enough to be emotional. but being that emotional can be (and is) draining. i want the sun to come out, literally, and i want to move forward. so much of everything here is in this form of stasis and it's unnerving. also, i have to go back to counseling (for a myriad of issues) and have to learn how to not be so jealous. jealousy is a fatal flaw in most people, especially me but for some reason, i only get jealous in professional situations. another quirk on my part, i suppose.
back to the debate!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
no one asks my opinion, i'm an independent.
this year has not started with a bang, like i may have previously surmised. more like a crash and possibly, a thud? i am starting to feel like an academic (oh, that word.) and the weight of all of my music academic classes is hitting me pretty hard, not to mention learning my, what, seventh language? (although, the most i can do at this point with any amount of confidence is Comment t'appelles-tu?). my analysis of an article by taruskin on the mediant relations connection between schubert/liszt and the mighty five turned out to be quite in depth and the act of plumbing the scholarly deep has left me craving for more.
next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.
the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...
i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.
next up, the first 75 pages of bach's st. matthew passion copied by hand and reverting back to the political philosophy of my past and throwing myself into all things hegelian.
the bassoon front is shaky, if that is even the right word. my thrust into the world of new music is firm --- i am working on varese's Octandre and trying to plan a chamber recital for fourth corner at an die musik while still trying to get myself to the contemporary museum of art for mobtown modern (of which the first concert i am missing RIGHT NOW) --- but the classical side is lacking? in a sea of mediocre auditions, mine was floating right at the top. yet, in the same vein, i am tapped to be a musical "senior leader", whatever that means. i am favored by the powers that be, why i don't know (it could be my playing, my charismatic personality or that i play bassoon in short skirts), whatever the reason, i am running with it, albeit that may mean running in heels...
i kind of want to get out of myself, get out of peabody. something to reconnect me to myself. and to think, my pinky toe is barely in the water. too bad that water is scalding.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.
right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.
so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
i had been thinking about this song a lot, for no particular reason. i hadn't listened to it in a while and just now it showed up on a CD i made a year ago. there was a period of months, last year, when i had this song on constant repeat. i don't know what happened, maybe i reconciled my issues (at least enough not to have to hash them out through song) but it just kind of disappeared. i suppose it still speaks to me. in the months when this song was always playing, i was sad, sad over a love that i had lost --- and when i say "had lost", i mean i was an active participant in the losing --- and sad that i couldn't figure out what was going on. it's easy to like a song that blames everyone involved. i can blame myself enough but i can never share.
right now, on my ipod, there is a playlist. the title of it is an acronym for which i will not spell out. it doesn't matter, on my ipod it only shows up as "wissly" --- yes, W.I.S.S.L.Y. i have listened to it straight for almost three weeks. it's almost losing its effect. and then i heard a song that i knew IMMEDIATELY had to go on this playlist...it fit the bill perfectly. and it all came back to me. i love how songs can make you remember.
so how do i feel now? well i don't know. all i know is the song is still damn good and, well, i liked it for a reason.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ein Komma an der falschen Stelle kann viel anrichten.
(tell me about it)
so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?
it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.
the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.
but yeah, who looks forward to that?
as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.
i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.
so alas, this post is NOT on my shiny new iMac (i have not had a chance to pick up my check, plus verizon is still screwing me over on the internet in my house) but my macbook is in the mail so that's a start, right?
it's a time of beginnings and endings. tomorrow is my last day at my temp job and the first day of orientation at peabody. those, in themselves, are two very interesting things. all of a sudden, the streets of mount vernon are alive with peabody students (and my friends) like they had been they're all along. i'm still nursing a grudge (against no one in particular) about being alone all summer so i'll just sit on my hands like a five year old until someone gives me a call. it's pathetic, i know. but peabody itself is all a bustle with activity which is great...well until wednesday.
the beginning of large ensemble auditions. i have decided that i just can't care the way i did before, which really shouldn't be anything new because this is how i ALWAYS get. i was so worried about haffner and hyped up that i was making myself crazy. i had to sit myself down and say "you are not the only one who's going to have trouble with the mozart. play it as cleanly as you can and just make sure the other excerpts are rock solid." i can't do any more than that. and if that doesn't get me into PSO then what(the fuck)ever. i've been making myself consciously nervous to see what kind of mistakes i would make under pressure. it's eye-opening. a lot of work.
but yeah, who looks forward to that?
as word spreads about me finishing my final days, people are saying their goodbyes which really took me be surprise. i mean i've been here for a month but i didn't think people were going to miss me. well, i'm going to miss them, too. i don't know if i'm surprised by that, either.
i've got a lot on my mind, as usual. that's how you can tell the fall has started.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Es sei uns dein gnädiges Antlitz erfreulich!
this summer has been an odd one at best.
i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.
but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.
but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.
again, the beauty of summer.
so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?
i mean, i couldn't play due to injury, couldn't make any money (due to my ridiculous job), couldn't go home, just cause but i lost a whole dress size, learned how to play poker and ventured out to north baltimore. i'm glad it's over.
but, honestly, who is ever really glad that summer is over? when i got to sleep and exercise and cook and do what i want, i loved it. it's the freedom of summer that makes it so magical (even it's the freedom to work your ass off) and i will miss it. as wonderful as this upcoming school year seems to be (my assistantship, great classes and preparing for my recital/starting my thesis) it brings its usual birthing pains (auditioning for ensembles and then BEING in those ensembles)...it is no walk in the park, my friends.
but things work out, they always do. within minutes of finding out that i was being let go from my temp job early (because they found someone to hire permanently), i found out that i would be receiving my financial aid check the day before that (hopefully, my next post will come on my shiny new iMac). i told sarah that the reason i'm bugged out about LE auditions is that i'm giving up power and i hate that. it is one of the main reasons that i am not actively seeking an orchestral performance career. i do not like to give up power. and one thing i've learned over the years is that you can do your best and still not make it...and it will have nothing to do with you, musically. i am not a fan. i create my opportunities and seize my power. school is a very delicate balance of this, you have to give up a little bit of your power to gain some. i'm good at it, but it doesn't mean i like it. i'd rather do yoga on the beach at sunrise.
again, the beauty of summer.
so this is my last full week at my temp job. next week i head straight into auditions and orientation; simply meaning "all hell will break loose". luckily, in between, ally will be in town to romp and frolic along the streets of baltimore. and now with my new-found job freedom, i'll be taking a very necessary trip home for labor day, the last of the summer. what self-respecting southern girl wouldn't go home for a labor day barbecue?
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