on verrouilla le ciel [if one could bolt the sky]

one small diatribe before i get on with the business of catching up: we are (or at least i am) musicians. part of our job as musicians is keeping our craft alive by performing new works. now granted, not all new works are going to be good. i think we as students of the western art music school are tricked into believing that all music that precede us is great music. wrong! there were plenty of mediocre and bad composers who wrote bad and mediocre music. thankfully, time has done what it always does and will continue to do so, in this generation and others. but we can't be the ones to decide by not performing works. so whatever you may think about a piece that you may be working on, keep it to yourself and understand the service you are doing.

i could go on about this but that would be getting into the personal and i don't want to do that. in other news, cinderella has taken over my life. but that's a beautiful thing, as it always is. go here to check out beautiful pictures from my ridiculous cast. but you can imagine how tired this would make, which it is.

i think spring makes people crazy. everyone is going out of their way to make other people's lives more problematic. i am trying to stay out of it as much as i can but god knows i have my own problems to deal with (more on that at iweepforwonder.livejournal.com --- if you care) and it's just more reassurance that i need to get out of here.

so everyone's getting rejections from grad schools, including myself. it's tiresome, no doubt but it's life. amazingly enough, i'm doing much better than others in similar situations. granted, i'm sure i have some sort of an edge given the instrument i play but you know it's doing as much harm as it is good. at this point, it's two out of four and you know what? that ain't so bad, kids.

...god opens a window.

i hate that saying but i suppose sometimes it proves true. and trust me, that is not an easy thing for me to admit (i absolutely HATE being cliché) this weekend my romantic relationship ended after almost seven months and as sad as that is (just because of the simple fact that most if not all endings are sad) in the same night, something wonderful happened. i finally got in touch with another one of my so-called 'little sisters', who i hadn't seen or talked to in a couple of years. even more surprising was that she found me on the same night through another medium. but what tops it off is the news that she has a daughter.

she is my window. and it is calming and joyful, not to mention a pleasantly unexpected birthday present.

if you want me to talk more about how i feel about the breakup, well, sorry. and it's not just because i don't really have much to say. i've grown over the years and i have learned to temper myself in the things that i say and the way in which i say them. i think i've done a good job keeping the greater part of this relationship out of the public's purvey and i owe it to him to continue to do so. he's a good person. i'm not the kind of girl who would put him on blast, as it were. not unless he deserved it. :)

i feel like the world would be a much place if people would be as professional, mature and ready as i am. on the stage that is, but i won't get into that. that's why people hire me and not other people.

two days till the big 2-3. let's hope its something worth celebrating.

assume the (dance) position.

insecurity can be a horrible thing. it can make you crazy. i criticize every move that i make because i'm insecure. i have always felt incapable of being loved so when i am in a relationship with someone, i get so paranoid trying to keep them. why am i paranoid? well i'm too crazy to be in a relationship, duh. and i hate these feelings because i'm so strong minded and strong willed. i think its because i'm trying to be the type of woman i think men want me to be when who i am is just fine.

this is why unlike other people i know (ahem) i can tolerate being single. its nervewracking being in a relationship, but its worth it.

putting someone's dirty laundry out on the street is also another terrible thing. so is lying to someone's face. but you know what, i've been all through that already and i have no desire to go through it again. let's just say that it is what it is (and i'm going down fighting)

aschenputtel, i mean, cendrillon, no, cenerentola...cinderella is going well and taking up all of my time. my dresses are amazing, i got new lines that are mad funny (funny because i say them) and i wonder if other people in the ensemble hate on me because everyone loves me. oh well. (repole gives me lines and confers with me, amanda tells me she trusts me and don't get me started on stephen...) this show has a long run and i don't know if i have it in me to do it without collapsing (especially how i have midterms coming up)

but all and all, i can't complain. i got fabulous news last night and i hope it keeps coming. one can only hope.

the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

queens college is obsessed upon keeping me. but i won't let them.

i went to the political science and english departments and hit some road bumps, respectively. it looks like i will be taking political science over the summer to replace the class i took in spring 2005 with which i'm comfortable --- i will still walk at commencement and receive my diploma. however, english will not be quite as easy. the chair was not there and will not be in till tuesday. so what did i do? i went to my adviser. :) prof. schober was incredibly helpful and made me feel so much better. i sat in his office for about 30 minutes or so just discussing my situation. his solution? take his water gun to the registrar's office and attack them. i told him that i thought that might make things worse but that's just me.

i feel much more secure. all i have to do is corral prof. stone (god knows how hard that will be) and then all will be well. although, it's very funny that on the checklist the school gave me...oh wait, never mind. to be honest, if i get accepted to schools in the next couple of weeks, i may not go through the trouble of changing those FINs that i received that spring...we shall see.

it's difficult for me to think about, just like my incoming grad school letters (that everyone tells me i shouldn't worry about --- you'd think if enough people way the same thing, you'd change your mind but not me!) i can't help but be so utterly pessimistic. but that doesn't stop the drive. i trudge through the muck and mire, if you will, to get to my goal. the days just get harder.

ugh, i need ice cream.

out like a lamb.

my first post for march, eh? time sure does fly.

march is and has always been an odd month for me. affectionately known as the month with no holidays, i commemorate a lot of things around this time. when i was in high school, this was always the busiest time for me by far. i'd be in a different city each weekend playing different concerts, always on the road. in a way, that much hasn't changed. i don't go quite as far but i'm still moving. and of course, the best part about march is my birthday. those who know me know that i'm a birthday nut. i think everyone should go crazy on their birthday and i've tried to live up to that. but since i turned eighteen it hasn't really been the case. i will spend this upcoming birthday in tech for cinderella, just like i've spent the last four birthdays in tech/performing for orpheus descending, hansel and gretel, and the pajama game.

but really i take time to reflect.

my best friend was killed days before my eighteenth birthday and i can not begin to explain how that has impacted my life. every year i've tried to honor her in some way, knowing that she would want me to go out and get my party on. i had to learn that she was so full of life --- to love her was/is to do the same.

so a lot is on my mind and on my plate. but honestly, when is that not the case? so to all of you who will be on spring break over the upcoming weeks, fuck you. but no, seriously --- enjoy it. i'm sure it will be cold and raining wherever you go. take lots of pictures and be sure to send a little birthday/vernal equinox love my way.

i don't think that's going to make me feel better.

going through this audition cycle has started to make a few things clear to me, or at least i think so.

now i know why i'm attracted to small schools and why they're attracted to me. and it's just so funny because the whole process has been an evolution. at app, i ran away from being the big fish in a small pond. at queens, i fought against it (but secretly loved it and embraced it) and if i do go to the hartt school, i will revel in it. i just can't be a cog in a machine. i am NOT a team player and i'm not ashamed to say it. i relish the fact that i am loud, indignant, boisterous, egotistical and arian to a tee. when when that kind of personality is in a studio of forty, something has to give.

and i can't be the one to give.

i am not the best graduate bassoonist out there. i am secure enough in myself to say that. but i am damn good. and what's good about me goes beyond what comes out of my instrument. anyone who's ever taught me can attest to that. and i really want to be appreciated for that. today at peabody, i had an interview for a bibliography teaching assistantship. they really loved me after talking with me for about ten minutes. i know how to charm people (thanks, dad) and honestly, it's not even charming or anything like, i'm just being real and people like that. but unfortunately, that's not how this world works.

and that's the other thing that i realized (which i already knew anyway) i'm not cut out for that orchestral life, traveling and auditioning all the time. my body is just not up to the task. for someone my age, i'm incredibly weak in a way over which i have no control and it drives me crazy. i try not to think about it too much because it's really depressing...

so, am i going to feel like a failure in april? i don't know. if hartt offers me a free ride, i can't not take that into consideration. i've been trying to get this right for almost five years now. and there's nothing wrong with being a big fish....as long as i live up to my whale of a reputation.

i guess i'm in tune with the universe.

this is where i work. it is such a beautiful place. everyone there looks like singers and ballet dancers. i love roaming the halls, staring at the giant pictures of balanchine and robbins' choreography in still life from the ballet's treasured and world-reknowned repertoire and the promotional posters blown up downstairs displaying each of the recent seasons' bills at city opera.

city opera is performing vanessa in the fall. no one ever does this piece --- at least not around me. it is my favorite non-orchestral work by samuel barber, but we all know that that's a completely different story.


i know i've already talked about this being the most beautiful place on earth but i really just wanted you all to see it. this is a shot of the fountain standing in front of the new york state theater facing avery fisher hall. it is just so majestic and romantic. there are no words to describe it.

in talking about education and websites today at work, i introduced to my co-workers to the san francisco symphony's website keeping score, an amazing website that goes along with michael tilson thomas' lecture program of the same name. i suggest that all of you check it out. and that's not just me as a music teacher telling you to, it's me as a big kid with a creative mind and a giant lean towards nerdiness.

i spent the rest of the night at the performing arts library doing research for bibliography. the idea of spending all of my time cooped up with all of those books is really comforting to me. the hours fly by and i'm just as content as can be. ana ran into me looking for a recording of the taffanel quintet and we talked for a little bit (i can't believe i don't have it) but i got back to work and buried my head in the shelves. i think i'm going to like my future if i can just get it going.