and they were staring at her shoes all night

i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.

freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.

i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)

but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?

and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.

that's such a lonely thing to do.

self-reflection and introspection always seemed to come easy to me. as if i had to say it to myself, out loud, to fully comprehend what was going on in my own mind. my feelings? your guess is as good as mine. but there's something that comes along with that revelation when you actually speak the words.its as if you give it life, it comes into existence. and in that existence comes some sort of truth about yourself. whether or not you're ready to handle that is another story.

so i keep saying things as if to validate my own existence. that can be troublesome (and burdensome) at times but i do it. i think, therefore...and all that. and what do i learn about myself? that i am a complex organism. understatement, no? but think about it for a minute. that thought helps to give all of our emotions and actions some sort of relevance and sense. it all can't be just because. talking to my housemate about love gives me closure about love (yes, i NEED closure) and giving my best friend advice allows me insight to that same advice.

ah, love. it all comes back to that, doesn't it. sometimes i think i'm "unlucky" but that's not it at all. unfortunately, i've yet to find a better adjective. i seem to be out of time while all of my friends are inside of time, and i watch over and smile but feel separated and incapable. but i am capable and have been loved. for now, i'll continue to float.

i don't just feel that way about love --- i feel that way about my life's work, like i'm existing outside of myself and someone/something else is doing everything, pulling the strings. maybe i have to separate my consciousness from my emotion in order to accomplish anything of worth, i don't really know. but so far, so good.

are you gonna let me go there by myself?

the poles between which our desire unceassingly is discharged

we as humans look for ways to seek refuge --- from the world and the things that mentally and emotionally bind us. i find myself taking refuge in the same sort of things; things which always make one feel safe and good. unfortunately, the first things that come to mind are those of the superficial. today, especially. like a comment made by my ex, my fabulous new chanel glasses, my upcoming concerts and not the fact that i'm constantly disappointing myself. i mean it is too easy to be ruled by ego and pride and then very natural to feel ashamed. we are wired for it.

however, i have to remind myself that in the end, i know what's best for me and someone's opinion of me, now matter how accurate, is far less important than my own personal feelings. i just hate the fact that maybe i'm becoming jaded to my world, losing the hope that i could make a difference. that's a bummer, let me tell you.

so i'll go home and get back to my book and think about all of the amazing things that reassure the feeling of goodness and worth in me. it's only fair. i think if i live up to my own expectations then everyone else will be satisfied. and if not, well, then, fuck 'em.

this semester i have a lot of things to say and not enough time in which to say them. such is the curse. plus that and the fact that in my new house (yes, i said NEW house) i don't have the internet yet. but you know i'm becoming far more efficient with that in mind. so i guess that means i should stop typing this entry, go home and wash my clothes, right?

right.

...all the terrible things i'm about to unveil.

so many things this holiday season. i feel like i started this blog a year ago with the same sort of feelings in mind. i guess some things never change.

benazir bhutto was assassinated. i don't know what to say about this, honestly, because i don't feel like i know the whole story. does anyone ever? in these instances, and we know them all too well, it's more than the actual death of the person that impacts us. it's the impact that that person could have had on us as a society, the world --- the loss of that opportunity that hurts us. who knows what she could have accomplished. and in all honesty, i can't be too sad about it because i feel like people like her know the path they're taking and have reconciled themselves. at this point in history, i almost feel like its a necessary part of the journey. sad but maybe elemental.

two other people who i respect and admire passed away (of less severe causes) around the season --- oscar peterson and michael kidd. more and more people of that stature, those who have created great art are meeting their end, an unavoidable fact but as that occurs, i feel as if i'm walking in a wasteland. to whom do i prostrate? maybe the time of gods are over, i don't know. but i've never yearned for something more, to bask in the glory of one's greatness. to be a part of their dual nature, other-worldly and amazingly human. maybe it's the curse of my generation. maybe someone will create new gods. till then, i'll pay my respects.

the end of 2007 is in sight. i don't know how i feel about looking back upon this year. it is one of massive change in my life but, fortunately, was not the most life-changing in regards to the last couple. i've learned a lot, that's for sure and i guess that's all that anyone can take out of it, no? i mean come on. have i had better luck with men? god no. have i run into obstacles in my professional life? oh yes. and there is nothing out there that says it gets easier but for the first time in a truly long time, i feel happy and at peace. now, i'm not working to escape, i'm working to reach the goals of which i've been dreaming.

and i can't ask for more than that.

the guardian of your challenge does not cry

so this has definitely been the largest stretch of time i've gone without writing here. i guess it begs the question: has my life been memorable enough to put down in words. on one hand yes, on the other, definitely not. a strange dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

let's see --- i'm trying to live a new life and be a new person here in baltimore and it's happening for me. i finally have found a community within which i feel comfortable so i exercise that comfort. i go out to parties and concerts and try to be as visible as i can. there's no reason for me to stay locked up in my basement. and i've definitely found a few people that i have really connected with which is so exciting. i don't feel quite so alone. however, i have come to a crossroads musically. on the one hand i'm getting better and better every day and on the other, i have to go back to the basics because there's so much internal stuff to fix and that makes me feel like i'm at square one. it just reminds me that i'm choosing the right path. i'm feeling so much love from the musicology department and things are crystallizing for me which is nice. don't get me wrong. the bassoon is my first love and i still want to teach and perform and be the best bassoonist i can be but it's just this: at app everyone wanted to be a secondary education teacher and i didn't want that. at queens everyone wanted to freelance and be a part of the NYC scene and i didn't want that. at peabody, everyone wants to have a ridiculous solo performing career and i don't want that either. i want to be me and do what i want to do and i've grown tired of trying to fit into other people's molds. so i have to make what i want to do work for me where i am.

there are not many places where you can learn to be a matriarch. :)

personally, i've been through a few conflicts in my life. first, a health scare and second, a reevaluation of just who i am. now that thats past, i'm looking over the relationship thing. i'm so comfortable being single just because i think it's easy. so says the introvert only child. but there are so many other things that i have to think about that i have to face (you know, stuff that requires a great deal of therapy) and i have to make the decision to face them. unfortunately for me, i've run into a lot of my past here in baltimore and it's been a challenge to move forward. but i'm doing it. speaking of, another conflict is that of what happens after all of this. i'm going home it's never been more clear to me. and i think i could be the only person around who would be unhappy if i didn't get into carolina and got into yale. i'm ready to be back home around my parents and happy. not that i'm doing badly here, it's a start (much better than new york) but the older i get the more nostalgic i become.

i wonder what gingerich would say about that. (schubert class reference, don't worry about it)

so in two weeks, PSO is playing at the kennedy center honors so watch for it on CBS. i plan on being back in new york in a couple of weeks...i don't know how that's going to work but you know it's worth a shot. :) i'll be home on tuesday and that's going to be amazing i can feel it. it's about time.

what has she written?

wow. i guess i didn't really do things during my undergrad i was posting in here non-stop. and to be honest, i didn't really have anything to talk about. i do now but i don't have time.

oh, the irony.

but it's friday night, i don't have school tomorrow (which is a rarity) so i figured i'd sit down and recollect.

i'm going to go on a rant for a little bit and you must forgive me but i totally agree with whoever says there can't be an intelligent designer when they could make things so imperfectly. i hate my body. i hate the fact that it can't do the simple things, like walking, without feeling that i'm going to need to go to the hospital. i hate feeing like i'm letting people down because i can't do what's asked of me. i couldn't play in my lesson today and even though my teacher insisted that i not play, i couldn't help feeling like a failure. i know that this is a very warped sense of reality and i am dealing with it accordingly but i wish i didn't have to be put in this situation in the first place.

on more down-to-earth news, two weeks till my fall break. i'm very excited...i should find out about my (new) car on monday. tomorrow is my very first orchestra concert at peabody. it's really occurring to me just how different my life is here. this ocncert is sold out. what? oh yeah. i think i could get used to this.

there isn't much very special going on in my life, i'm too busy for that but i'm hopeful.

can't you just come back for a couple of weeks?

just a quick little post to whittle away my last half hour at work.

i called the boss lady at work today. she and martha were very happy to hear from me. apparently, it's swamped in the office and they have no one to replace me (which saddens me, of course) they asked me how i was doing and if i had settled in. it was nice to hear their voices. lisa was like "i can't even imagine starting a new year without you...i need someone that i can, like, do stuff with." that job was a very important part of my life for almost four years. they became my family and that's not something that's easy to give up. i can't wait till i go back and see them. just watch, everything will have changed.

i really wish i could explain to others, and to myself, why i love my home state so much. it's something so uniquely american, i feel. i've just been mad digging on n.c. the past couple of weeks. going to obx inspired me, i think. that and when i invited all of my friends list to join "race for the states - north carolina" that they did! and after app state beat michigan, i felt like it was freaking christmas (i'm still talking about it and it was saturday) i don't know. no place beats home, anyone's home and that's a big part but i'll be damned --- i've been to a lot of places and none of them are as beautiful as north carolina.