a lot happens when you're tucked away in your own little paper-writing cubicle of death. so i'm here to clean house (literally, i was just cleaning my house) and reflect on the past six months.
1) you find out a lot when you open up netnewswire for the first time in MONTHS. you see one of your college friends (and someone you had a crush on) talked about in alex ross's the rest is noise (congrats), that your favorite lighthouse is getting funding, a professor that you had an immediate connection with is blowing up all over the place (thanks, bush administration?) and all sorts of happy things.
2) i am now a master of music (and not just a bachelor). well, okay, i'm one paper away but it's pretty much in the lock. unfortunately, due to logistics and stupid technical things, i don't get to celebrate with all of my other masters of music in the traditional way (i get a fancy pink stole and a hat and a GIANT sheet of paper) but i will be celebrating. these past two years have been interesting and revelatory. i've come out the other side a better bassoonist, a better musician and, um, cuter? i'm just glad it's over. now to spend another year to become doubly masterful at...um...music.
3) i'm going to iceland! i am so excited about this. i'm going to the land of bjork and thermal spas to go play some new music in the beginning of august and i can't think of a better way to end my summer vacation. more to come as i get more info.
i've learned a lot about myself in these past six months and i think i'm pleased with the outcome. one academic meltdown aside, i think i have the respect of my professors and peers. i mean, i'll be playing baroque bassoon in the fall, writing my thesis on britten's chamber operas, TAing three classes (including at class at JHU's homewood campus) and applying for some of the most prestigious Ph.D. programs in the country. and on a personal level, a lot of rough things went down. and you know, it's still hard but i'm in a happy place.
and hey, i cut off all of my hair. that has to speak for something.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
just don't let the spin get you down
there are things in life that are good of which people tend to be afraid. i should know. but realizing these things and coming to terms is a huge first step.
1) change is good. i went home to north carolina, turned 25 and cut off (most of) my hair. i thought i was going to be afraid of the hair thing, as i have been for so long, but it worked out. better than i could have imagined really. the first quarter-century was rocky so i'm trying to make the next one be a little more smooth.
2) distance is good. now this is the one that scares me the most because even though i need my space when i'm going through things (and most people in my life know this) i don't want anyone to think that i don't care about them. but they don't so why am i worrying? plus, there are some people who i just need to be away from. they are the ones who i thought my life depended on constant contact with them. i think they might know better than i do. i've been scared that if i don't keep up with someone that our relationship will fizzle. but distance is giving me the time and ability to reevaluate my feelings. and that is very good.
3) stress can be good. as long as it doesn't paralyze you. i'm still working on that one.
so all and all i'm trying to get my act together. i'm giving a recital in a month and it will be great (the first time i've ever been able to say that) and i will not freak out about academic things like teaching, program notes, theses, commentaries, etc. i will not be afraid.
1) change is good. i went home to north carolina, turned 25 and cut off (most of) my hair. i thought i was going to be afraid of the hair thing, as i have been for so long, but it worked out. better than i could have imagined really. the first quarter-century was rocky so i'm trying to make the next one be a little more smooth.
2) distance is good. now this is the one that scares me the most because even though i need my space when i'm going through things (and most people in my life know this) i don't want anyone to think that i don't care about them. but they don't so why am i worrying? plus, there are some people who i just need to be away from. they are the ones who i thought my life depended on constant contact with them. i think they might know better than i do. i've been scared that if i don't keep up with someone that our relationship will fizzle. but distance is giving me the time and ability to reevaluate my feelings. and that is very good.
3) stress can be good. as long as it doesn't paralyze you. i'm still working on that one.
so all and all i'm trying to get my act together. i'm giving a recital in a month and it will be great (the first time i've ever been able to say that) and i will not freak out about academic things like teaching, program notes, theses, commentaries, etc. i will not be afraid.
Monday, March 9, 2009
the thing is, everyone knows you're brilliant.
hiatuses are necessary, nay, important to one's sanity. plus, when you come back, you've really missed things. a few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away and to be honest, it has plunged my life into disarray, not because of grief but because i feel like i've lost my footing in reality. my room's a mess and my mind's a mess. the two being in the same state says a lot about me right now. but i digress --- i just have to make it through this week.
about that. i'm not making it through this week. i spent the majority of my dress rehearsal for La traviata fighting back tears. why? i have no idea. okay, that's actually a lie. very recently, it has been put upon me to be, well, a genius. or at least smarter than most. i'm not very comfortable with this idea. it has been made very clear to me (by several) that if i don't get my act together, i'll be ruining the shot my immensely talented and promising mind has at becoming an academic/scholarly superstar. but you know, no pressure. how was i supposed to know that under all of this hair lay a thriving, pulsating superbrain? so now, all of my work falls short of my standards, everyone's standards blah blah blah and it's really getting to me. all i want to do is talk about music.
i spoke with one of my professors today about my thesis, asking him to be my advisor. let me tell you, scary! but he seemed up to it, though he may regret it. talking about my thesis scares the shit out of me, i'm not going to lie. there is no turning back from that. and i have to put out 60+ pages of cohesive thought by this time next year and the whole process/outcome will change my life.
now wouldn't that make you want to cry, too?
about that. i'm not making it through this week. i spent the majority of my dress rehearsal for La traviata fighting back tears. why? i have no idea. okay, that's actually a lie. very recently, it has been put upon me to be, well, a genius. or at least smarter than most. i'm not very comfortable with this idea. it has been made very clear to me (by several) that if i don't get my act together, i'll be ruining the shot my immensely talented and promising mind has at becoming an academic/scholarly superstar. but you know, no pressure. how was i supposed to know that under all of this hair lay a thriving, pulsating superbrain? so now, all of my work falls short of my standards, everyone's standards blah blah blah and it's really getting to me. all i want to do is talk about music.
i spoke with one of my professors today about my thesis, asking him to be my advisor. let me tell you, scary! but he seemed up to it, though he may regret it. talking about my thesis scares the shit out of me, i'm not going to lie. there is no turning back from that. and i have to put out 60+ pages of cohesive thought by this time next year and the whole process/outcome will change my life.
now wouldn't that make you want to cry, too?
Saturday, February 7, 2009
even when they're alone, they're not really apart.
fourth corner trio, on the steps in mt. vernon, january 2009
fools rush in, where wise men never go
it's been a while. i've been busy. very busy, but i don't know if that's important at all. have you ever had a period in your life where you're confronted with revelation after revelation? that's what now feels like. sort of.
it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?
peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.
so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.
more revelations, maybe?
it seems like i arrived late to the game. all of a sudden i'm good --- at a lot of things. i've been playing bassoon better than i ever have in my going on thirteen-year career of playing the instrument. i mean, all of a sudden, POW! and let me tell you, it is changing everything. i practice so much more, PK says the best things about me and i don't worry so much about being overlooked (not like that was ever happening, anyway). i go to my house, sit down, practice and feel good about myself. too bad this is probably the most bassoon playing i'll be doing for a while. i don't want to think about that though, it's depressing. maybe it's me going out with a bang?
peabody and i are having a tumultuous relationship right now. on the one hand, everyone loves me (it seems) and i've really come to know, meet and love a lot of people. it's endearing. on the other hand, i have the biggest case of senioritis and that is turning into serious apathy. the funny thing is i don't graduate for another year. but it feels like the end. this marks the conclusion of my bassoon playing degree and academic classes for me (which actually finished quite some time ago). next year is all about me writing my thesis and applying to Ph.D. programs. so for now, when things come up that i don't want to deal with, i simply don't deal with them. it's kind of relaxing but i feel i'll have to reevaluate that in the near future.
so as far as actual things in my life, we just get back to the busy. i have concerts tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday, the following tuesday...the list goes on. plus things around the peabs will be intense with audition week, mahler, traviata, etc. and i have visitors coming which will be great though it will clog up the tiny house. we've handled it before so this will be no different. lots of happy things around the bend but lots things that will be made to kick my ass.
more revelations, maybe?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
next, i will read a selection from walt whitman's "leaves of grass"
it was cold, but worth it. nothing like doing the cha cha slide to "ain't no stoppin' us now" on the field at war memorial plaza in 18-degree weather with thousands of strangers (and being one of the people who started it) and just feeling happy about life and one's country. it's too late for me to explain now, just know it was worth it.
and i love you back.
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