if you want someone to write about jazz, then you do it.

self-hatred and self-doubt is an ugly thing. it took me a long time to realize that it was external doubt that was fueling my inner demons. right now, i'm still trying to get over something said about me by someone i love who i am just starting to see never really understood me. i have never fit into anyone's plan as a musician. and no one seems to get it, my father doesn't even seem to get it. i have such big plans for myself and this career. whether or not i'll achieve them is another story but just because i don't fall into your idea of what my future should be doesn't make me any less of a musician. i don't like to compared to other people cause i'm not them. they're not me, it's very simple.

and let me make it clear, it's not vanity. i just feel very clearly about what i'm supposed to do with my life. and i hurt because i feel alone because i live in a world of other people's standards. that's not uncommon, i know but the uncertainty it caused in me...it makes me resentful. or made me resentful, shall i say. i guess it just hurts more than anything.

luckily for me, i've finally found a reason to be proud of myself. and i don't think anyone can take it away no matter what's said. i had to get that off of my chest before i left for vacation. it's been a big hump this year. i allowed myself to live with a certain amount of pain and i don't think i'll let myself do it again. on more important terms, my mother's birthday is today (or i guess, yesterday) and i'm so proud of her. she's going through a lot (she quit smoking) and she means the world to me. a very close friend of mine just lost a parent and i grieve for her, immensely. i don't really know what to say to her because i can't fathom what she's dealing with but i just want to put my arms around her. family, i think, can give us purpose. i've had my own problems with my family over the years but these things really make you reevaluate your relationships.

i am a rock in a sea of chaos.

in a lot of ways, i am a very lucky girl.

i have thought about this recently when it comes to relationships. and by relationships, i mean, connections between one person and another. on the whole, i have found people with whom i can make lasting and meaningful connections. every now and then there is an aberration of sorts but not every person is a person you want to know. but here's the thing. we go through a lot of adversity in our lives, some of it private and solitary and some of it public. there are people in my life with whom i've had serious problems that had to be overcome. and somehow, in spite of that, we've remained close. mainly because there was a foundation there upon which to build.

i never thought that my friendship would mean so much to people. i never thought that someone would trust me with their private lives, their secrets and feelings. the fact that someone confides in me and cares about my feelings, even after traversing through dangerous ground is pretty mind-blowing. i was reminded of this very recently and i'm still kind of awestruck by it. and what amazes me is the fact that over the course of my life, i'm able to find these people and connect with them.

if that's not luck, i don't know what is. :)

i am listening to messaien's des canyons aux étoiles right now. i figured it would get me in the right frame of mind before my trip. i don't know if i was right on that accord but hey, a little messaien never did anyone any harm, now did it?

don't ruin my artistic vision!

i love how no one takes to my meaning.

i wrote a note on facebook complaining about how upset i was about my grades this semester. for some reason everyone thought it meant one thing and said, "cheer up, imani, your grades aren't that bad, it doesn't matter." well i KNOW that. the issue is the fact that every class that could have been an A wasn't because i let myself get caught up in a job that has no bearing on my life and has made my overall life increasingly difficult. that makes me angry and rightfully so. whatever...

so my carpal tunnel is back in my left hand (i really shouldn't be typing then, should i?), just one more thing in my list of grievances. but as someone i know would say, life is good. two more days of the tech week from hell and then i'm on vacation. it's a very happy thing, sunny prospects lie ahead, literally.

as whole enamored worlds will say

"i had to coach my friends on how to accept compliments."

i just love that. here's why. last night was absolutely revelatory. i played the best (orchestral) solo probably of my bassoon career to date, was part of a (yes, flawed) incredibly emotional (for me at least) performance of mahler 1 and then received the accolades and congrats from my peers. if anything, it humbled me, greatly. i feel very blessed that people have said such wonderful things to me and have been so wonderful to me. in my mind, i'm just a girl, playing the bassoon, trying to do what i love to the best of my ability.

i really got to know some fantastic people last night, i mean, people that i knew but hadn't really spent any time with. and that was what really made me feel good, cause they're just all really down to earth and fun and you need those kinds of people around you, in my opinion.

i'm just really kind of shocked at the place in which i'm ending the first year of my master's. i've played a lot of music, found a niche and really established myself, met a lot of great people and musicians, earned a lot of people's respect for my ability as a bassoonist and as a musicologist, starting a second master's degree in a field i love with an assistantship and finishing the orchestral season with a fantastic solo and a continued mahler legacy.

it's enough to move me to tears.

you are the forest.

i had been worried for the last couple of weeks that my love for mahler one would be tainted by the disastrous rehearsals taking place. not so. today we ran the whole thing and in the last movement, i felt like my soul was trying to escape from my body. it was exhilarating and there was sweat and hearts were racing. when we finished, i leaned all the way back in my chair, panting. i told a friend of mine that the last time i saw mahler 1 performed live (three years ago, new york phil, maazel) there were tears in my eyes. i was bawling like a child. it wasn't until today that i realized that it's had a much bigger impact on me than i realized.

on another note, being an academic is hard. i'm not even speaking mainly about me. what do colleges want out of their faculty? how much rejection can one person take? how much schooling can one person handle? i would like to think that i'm on a track that works for me but that is yet to be seen. one can only hope.

it has finally turned to spring here in baltimore. my spirits have risen. i'm in love and i've opened my skylights. all is right in the world. now if only i were finished with school.

when she performs, in such a way

the great thing about music as opposed to dance (and opera, theater, etc) is no crazy theatrics that cost tons of money. stage+stands=success.

the great thing about dance as opposed to music? beautiful, shirtless men. if male musicians were required to play without THEIR shirts, i'd leave the profession immediately. that being said, i'm in the right line of work. the pay is okay and the rules are pretty flex. plus, i have plenty of opportunities to watch shirtless men dance (and dance with them, i might add). our showcase tonight went very well save a few glitches which is to be expected. but i finally got to see our dancers and i will say that they are meant to do what they are doing. and you know how, and this is in any art, there are always the ones from whom you can't look away? i saw that tonight. one girl has the most beautiful face i've ever seen, beyond her years, not in age, but in flirtation. with a very subtle glance she seems to hint at the most seductive and beautiful things. and then in the next moment she is smiling, radiantly. another girl was just magnetic, agile and strong. she slinked across the stage, the power and strength just rippling in her lean muscles. and my other particular favorite just had the look of wisdom and girl-next-door beauty. she's a funny girl outside of the stage and her effervescence just shines through. that does not mean that all the dancers weren't fantastic. but you always know. i've known some young musicians like that who just awe me every time i watch them perform. they are filled with something magical. that magic gives me hope.

(wow, that was corny)

but now i can somewhat regain control of my life which is comforting. it's been pretty rough but i think i'm finally reaching calm air. i don't have any time for anything else, anyway.

and they were staring at her shoes all night

i can feel him. still. looking over my shoulder, touching my waist, disapproving of me and loving me all in the same breath.

freud, i think, would have a very fun time analyzing my dealings with men --- of all kinds. most women are supposed to have the daddy complex. i do not. (my one father is enough) but for some reason, there have been a whole swath of men in my life who have had this ridiculous sort of influence on me which seems completely unescapable. while talking with my high school orchestra director on the phone, she encouraged me to email my old high school band director, just to tell him how i was doing. i said no, that i was still too angry at him. and then of course i had to evaluate that thought. why would i still be angry about something someone said to me almost seven years ago? influence. from him all the way up to my downtown baltimore dealings two nights prior, i feel stuck in a loop of stupid decisions, exasperated by men by whom i am swayed so easily.

i am spending this week watching myself, making sure i don't make any mistakes. (because the best time to make those kinds of mistakes are on vacation)

but enough about that...i have the internet back and it is glorious. i am on spring break and that is also very glorious. i'm heading home to spend a little bit of time with my family and then off on my musical birthday extravaganza (that being a trip to the met to see peter grimes then to boston to hear bach's st. john passion) and that is enough to make any girl happy, no?

and one more thing. every musician knows the politics of our business on every level. but i can say this with a little bit of certainty...the common sense with which i was blessed allows me to see that the ways of certain people (aka, singers) is beyond ridiculous. ladies and gentlemen, this is not stab-everyone-in-the-back-with-your-eyes university. focus on the big picture, please. i beg you. that is all, good night.